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Pretty Little Liars recap 2.03: Things I Wish I Didn’t Know

I’ve heard it said a time or two on these wide Internets that the Pretty Little Liars recapper from AfterEllen.com has some kind of nerve calling Ezra Fitz a lesbian. He is a man, for A’s sake! Didn’t Heather Hogan see his perfectly sculpted man-abs and man-pecs that one time he was walking around his apartment naked in the middle of the day for no raisin? I mean, what would Ian Harding say if he knew that bitch from AE was calling Mr. Fitz a lesbian?

Hmm, what would Ian Harding say?

Ezbian haters to the left, please.

So, the Liars are pretending to enjoy a film at the Rosewood Cineplex, but are, in actual fact, rehashing the plot of last week’s episode, as is their wont at the beginning of each new episode. Spencer reads the minutes from their most recent secret meeting – “and then we spent 30 minutes talking about how we can’t have any more secret meetings and scheduling a time to have our next secret meeting” – and everyone agrees that Jason DiLaurentis has put them in quite a pickle by murdering Maya’s entire family so Ian can take over the guest bedroom. Emily is fascinated by the moving pictures on the giant screen. She’s been to this theater about a hundred times, but she’s never actually watched a movie in it before. Spencer notices a creepster in a hoodie, creeping on them in the back of the theater. He tries to murder them, of course, but Spencer wakes up and realizes it was just a nightmare.

Now, I don’t know if you noticed it or not, but right before Spencer wakes up, she quotes Skins’ Naomi Campbell verbatim: “Emily, I’ve had [about] three conversations with [him] our entire lives.” Which means Spencer’s subconscious was playing Naomily in her dreams which means Marlene King is mining my own personal fantasies for her stories which means it’s the greatest day of my life. You know how A isn’t just a clever spy? She’s also skilled at Legilimency and at Inception-ing people’s headspaces? Well, I think Marlene King has the same superpower. May the Force be with her for all eternity. (So say we all.)

Melissa has lost her wedding ring; she picks up Spencer and throws her against the wall so she can check the couch cushions for her missing diamond. Spencer is still legitimately confused about why Melissa keeps leaving the room to use her phone. I accused her missing husband of murdering/statutory raping my dead friend and attempting to murder/statutory rape me, and also I cannot go 60 full seconds without talking about how dead he is. Why does she need space away from me?

Guess who’s back in Rosewood? Tom Marin. And boy is he a hoot. And I mean, he must be. He must be the funniest, richest man on earth because there is no way Ashley Marin married him otherwise. She is so far out of his league it’s like he’s pitching junior varsity and she’s batting in the Olympics. Tom’s like, “Can I give you a ride to school, Hanna Bear?” And Hanna’s like, “Can I shove that coffee cup up your ass, Dad?”

When he leaves, Ashley drops a hard truth on her: A person who breaks your heart isn’t necessarily going to perpetually break your heart. Cynicism isn’t wisdom. Which: True, but when Hanna lets him in and he f–ks her over again, she is going to go on a month-long alcohol bender/food binge, at the end of which she will shoplift a flamethrower and burn down the entire east coast. So, you know, learn your audience, Ashley.

Emily is washing her hands in the girls loo, but really she is just waiting for the other Liars who are hiding out in the stalls. The way they burst forth at the same time is amazing. I don’t say it enough, but this show is a visual masterpiece.

Today’s agenda: 1) Emily’s mother is going to move her to Texas in about three days if Danby University doesn’t officially offer Emily a full-ride after watching her swim one time. 2) Aria is starting a new class at the local college so she can hold hands with Ezra in the open air while simultaneously keeping one eye on Jackie Molina like some kind of Mad-Eye Moody. 3) Hanna has taken to thieving again out of sheer boredom. She wants the Liars to hang out with her after school, maybe do a little sleuthing, but the only reason they can think of to hang out is to talk about how they can’t hang out. Aria’s like, “I thought you and Mona were going shopping.” And Hanna’s like, “Yeah, but lately all she wants to do is spend like three hours in a tiny Victora’s Secret fitting room while I model everything in the store for her.”

Toby has returned to Rosewood High again to talk some more about how he will not be returning to Rosewood High. He tells Spencer that he has decided to really freak out the town by taking a job at that house where he was accused of murdering that girl that one time. Spencer is all, “You know I don’t trust Jason because of his whole drug abusing/sister murdering/zombie aiding and abetting thing.” And Toby’s all, “Right, but I need the money so I don’t have to keep bonking my SisterBot and Jason needs some help to turn his house into an impenetrable fort. I’ll only do it until I have enough cash to buy this gorgeous, old pickup truck.”

Lucas is wearing the single greatest article of clothing ever seen on this show:

Hanna wants to hang out with him, but he’s like, “Remember that time you ripped my heart from my chest with your bare hands and then used it as kindling for the homecoming bonfire? Yeah, me neither. Why don’t you help with the yearbook this afternoon?”

Aria and Ezra make out on campus. He’s like, “Perhaps we should use a little discretion.” And she’s like, “Stop using words I don’t understand.” Jackie Molina sees the whole thing and you better believe she’s going to be demanding an explanation later tonight on Ezra’s website page. Everyone in Aria’s pottery class is dressed like a lesbian commune in Homo, Oregon – except for JennaBot, who is there as a surprise, and dressed, as always, like mayhem. She’s just spinning that pottery wheel and smiling to beat the band. It is the creepiest f–king thing I have ever seen. Creepier than her collection of porcelain clowns. Creepier than that time she played the flute.

How does the devil make nightmares? Puppy tears and Jenna smiles.

One afternoon the costume department had a special meeting called How Can We Make Spencer Gayer? And this is what they came up with:

I think the point of this scene is that someone is creeping around upstairs at Jason’s place, drawing the curtains and casting a shadow and every other enigmatic thing. I don’t care, though. For one thing, I think it’s Melissa. For another thing, I just want to look at Troian’s ears for about ten hours. And for another thing, I want to get to the part where Spencer kicks it to eleven and explains the mystery guest to Emily like if a Mountain Dew drank a Red Bull that drank an Amp that drank a Rockstar that had been swimming around for 48 sleepless hours in one of those $11,000 Starbucks Clover brewers. EVERYSENTENCEASINGLEWORD. She wants Emily to sleepover – Which: Get in line. There are lesbians lined up around the block – but Emily can’t because of how Annabeth Gish thinks they’re toxic together and also because the moving van is practically already in the driveway.

And let’s take a moment, shall we, to appreciate how Emily Fields can flat work a v-neck t-shirt.

Spencer flashes back to a pre-homocide sleepover. She and Emily were trying to enjoy a nice, quiet night in with some popcorn and Imagine Me & You when Ali came storming over wailing about how she needed a lock on her bedroom door and she was never going to get any sleep with the rager happening in her house. Spencer invited her to stay, and Ali was like, “Duh, of course I can stay. I like invented you.” But then she cried a little bit because maybe something really terrible happened at that party. Spencer tried to be comforting, but Alison punched her in the neck and disparaged the Hastings fruit bowl.

Downstairs, Melissa’s still tearing the place apart looking for that ring. This scene got to me real good. Being a big sister to my little sister is half of my whole life, so when Spencer tells the story about how Melissa protected her on the playground when she was a kid, and how she wants Melissa to protect her the same way now, my eyes started leaking tears. Melissa’s like, “I actually don’t remember ever protecting you for single moment in our lives, so no.” And I guess JennaBot’s new thing is memory modification.

Have you noticed how the guys aren’t wearing any clothes this season? Someone last week called it pandering, but I actually think maybe PLL spends every single cent of its wardrobe budget on Hanna and Spencer. Like, “Ashley Benson needs those Tory Burch boots in black and brown.” “What about Ian Harding?” “Maybe he has a robe he can bring from home.” Aria looks at the college course catalog and tries to find a way to spy on Jackie Molina that doesn’t involve getting herself killed by Jenna the PotteryBot. Ezra’s like, “I’ll support whatever decision you make. I’m just glad we’re back to consulting one another every time we take a breath. Have you ever heard the phrase U-Hauling? Is that something you’d be interested in? Maybe we should get a cat. Let’s each open our Moleskines and write 50 feelings words for every color cat we can think of. Should we go vegan? I think we should go vegan. Of course, if we do that, you’ve got to stop killing birds for hair accessories.”

Spencer finds Melissa’s wedding ring behind the toaster and she shouts, “Melissa, come quick! I found your wedding ring behind the toaster!” Just kidding. She pockets that motherf–ker faster than you can say “Gollum.”

Emily, Hanna and Aria are hanging out in the very secret location of BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA. Emily is nearly physically ill because she’s forged a letter from Danby to give to her mom so she can stay in Rosewood. Hanna’s like, “That’s my girl! It’s like Ali always said: Lying is just pre-telling the truth.” And Aria’s like, “Hush, please, so I can read Ezra’s latest poem, “Calico,” to you.”

Spencer drops by to see Toby at Jason’s house. She’s like, “Look at the way Jason’s creeping on your abs. You’ve got to get out of here.” And Toby’s like, “Tumblr spends half its life creeping on my abs and I don’t see you bugging out about that.” Jason calls out to them about, “Friends don’t make secrets and secrets don’t make friends!” And then he tosses an entire garbage bag of bloody bandages onto the front lawn, all, “Whoopsie daisies! Never mind!”

At pottery class, Aria is forced to help JennaBot, but she does so under the pseudonym “Anita,” which was always going to backfire because JennaBot has super senses. Fools! How do you keep forgetting that? SHE WAS MANUFACTURED AT SPACELY SPROCKETS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF DESTROYING YOU. YOU DON’T GET A NAME LIKE JENNABOT BY BEING HUMAN.

Spencer’s feeling guilty about not giving Melissa back her wedding ring, so she goes ahead and does that. Just kidding again! She pawns it so she can buy Toby a truck. It’s the most perfect thing she’s ever done in a lifetime of doing perfect things. And saying perfect things. And wearing perfect things. And just standing there in her perfectness and being perfect and getting straight As.

Hanna sets Lucas up with the new girl because she’s trying this new thing where she doesn’t make him want to die. He appreciates it. She’s like, “But here’s a tip: Don’t wear your muddy shoes on your date. You know how that turned out last time.”

Pam Fields is about to get awesome. She takes a break from packing to bring in a box of Emily’s sentimental stuff: a teddy bear, Halloween costumes, baby clothes. Emily thinks for one horrific second that her mom wants her to give it away, to just erase her whole Emily childhood, but it is the opposite thing. Pam realized something when she was packing up tiny Emily’s things. She realized that her little girl will always be her little girl, and that nothing in this whole wide world can ever change how much she loves her. She was Emily when she was dressed like a pumpkin, knocking on doors and asking for candy; and she was Emily when she brought home Maya for that nearly lethal dinner. It’s what’s inside her that matters, and what’s inside her is undiluted sunlight – whether she kisses boys or whether she kisses girls.

Pam says that exact thing, says she’s sorry she ever made Emily feel like she can’t be who she is, and Emily’s like, “Huh. I guess it really does Get Better.” She rips up the Danby letter, which, I’ve gotta tell you, was kind of an awesome surprise.

Spencer drives her new pickup truck to get Toby from Jason’s house. She hops out and throws him the keys and they are my favorite couple this show has ever known. He’s the only one who gets how her mania makes her so incredible and she’s the only one that gets how he is not a homicidal maniac. He’s like, “I love you so much.” And she’s like, “I wanted to say that first.” You did, honey.

Tom Marin’s fiance texts to say she’s sorry she sucks and that she still wants to marry him. But Hanna gets to it before he gets to it and she deletes it. I can’t say I’m sorry because I have my own personal baggage and I need Hanna to be vindictively badass enough for the both of us.

Pottery class. Only JennaBot and “Anita” are left for the day, and JennBot asks “Anita” to help her “see” her latest creation. This is some creepy shit right here because Cylons with souls are even scarier than cylons with microchips. Jenna moves herself to tears telling a story about how she once loved to see the sun breaking into a million pieces in the water when she was swimming. She has tried to recreate that sensation with her new pottery, hoping it will help her see some shadows and remind her of what she used to love.

She’s like, “Put my pottery on this wheel, Anita. Turn off the light, Anita. Light this candle, Anita, just like the way Aria Montgomery lit my face on fire. Now speak to me, Anita, so I can discern your character.” Aria says three words and JennaBot is all, “You! How dare you light a match in my presence!” It’s intense. I kind of thought someone was going to die. But I also thought one of them was going to lunge for a kiss. What if Jackie Molina got a load of that!

Back at Emily’s, Pam has received a letter from Danby. It is the exact letter Emily wrote and destroyed. It is from A with the following note: You can’t play cat and mouse if the mouse moves to Texas. Emily’s mom is like, “Danby wants you! We can stay here now!”

Spencer and Aria and Hanna follow Melissa into the night where she meets Wren(!), who gives her some kind of package from the boot of his car. Spener’s like, “Painkillers for Ian!” And Hanna’s like, “Prenatal vitamins from hell!” And Aria’s like, “Ezra wrote a short story called ‘Tabby.’ Y’all are gonna love it!”

The Risen Mitten is on the move! On the move to the pawn shop! The Risen Mitten buys Melissa’s wedding ring! That Mitten is a hoarder!

Next week: We better see some Mona up in here. You can’t just make someone the awesomest and then exile her. But for now, let’s see some #BooRadleyVanCullen up in here!

I forgot to mention it in the recap, but my favorite moment this week was when Hanna said, “Melissa needs one of those dog collars that shocks her ass if she tries to leave the yard.”

Also this:

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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