Archive

“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 201

Ladies, ladies! Welcome to the implausible second season of The Real L Word, or as I like to call it, “I’m Ilene Chaiken and You’re Not.” Are you ready to dive into a brand-new season of vag-chasing, double-talking and drink-slamming? Of course you’re not. If you waited until you were ready, you’d never do it. It’s just like having a baby. A self-indulgent gay baby with no filter. Congratulations. It’s a girl.

Let’s take a look at this season’s cast.

Whitney: We know Whitney’s deal. Moving on.

Romi: Originally a secondary character who followed Whitney around in Season 1 hoping to be chosen, Romi is now a full-fledged cast member with a new girlfriend, a drinking problem and jewelry line.

Claire: Instead of bringing the show to New York City, NYC comes to the show when Claire moves to LA to launch a new lesbian website. (As you know, you simply can not manage a website from just anywhere.) Claire will also revisit her feelings for her ex, even though she has a perfectly good girlfriend at home.

Francine: Let’s give a slow clap for one of this season’s nods to diversity. As Claire’s aforementioned ex, Francine gets sucked into the processing vortex. Look for Francine’s mom to make an appearance so she can berate her about grad school and saving money. Oh, wait. That’s my mother.

Sajdah: You wanted butch? You wanted color? Sajdah is a twofer. She works at the LA Gay & Lesbian Center, which makes her an activist of sorts. Is that a threefer? Sajdah is a former femme who embraced her inner butch with both hands and now chases what she once was.

Cori and Kacy: Yes, they’re two distinct individuals, but they’ve been together for five years (15 in lesbian years) and they’re legally married. That makes them one adorable entity, which I’ve dubbed “Corcy.” Corcy wants to have a baby now. Watch them as they embark on a sperm scavenger hunt.

Welp, now you know all you need to know. Let’s do this.

We open on Whitney, who explains, “The lesbian wheel is my life. It’s lesbians, entering and exiting, and entering again, and exiting, in one constant flow.”

Isn’t that more like being stuck in a revolving door? Maybe she’s thinking of a hamster wheel. One of Whitney’s hamsters is Sara, (pronounced sa-dah) a tattoo-covered dancer, and I don’t mean ballet.

No matter what else is happening in their awesome hamster lives, they keep jumping back onto the wheel, running like mad, and getting nowhere. That’s what happens when your brain is the size of a grape.

While at lunch together, Sara tells Whitney to stop fighting their undeniable attraction and “live in the moment.” Whitney has a lot of problems, but living in the moment isn’t one of them. In fact, living in the moment is what brought these two geniuses together, and what keeps them from moving on. Whitney looks at Sara and says woefully, “You just get under my-soul.” I don’t know where that is, but it sounds dusty. Try vacuuming once in a while.

Romi is in New York celebrating her 29th birthday with her live-in girlfriend, Kelsey. They walk around the edge of Central Park, shooting video of each other. Kelsey looks impassively at the camera and drones, “We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.” It’s New York, Chuckles. I think they’re used to it.

Who is Kelsey? What’s behind those lifeless eyes and catatonic demeanor? Well, Romi says she’s just her type, and furthermore, “She makes me feel like there’s nobody else in the world that she’s even looking at.” Yeah, because she’s heavily medicated.

A side note. To have a good relationship, you have to care about what comes out of a girl’s mouth as much as what she does with it:

What she said: “She makes me feel like there’s nobody else in the world.”

Translation: This is the girl for me. I love her.

What she said: “She makes me feel like there’s nobody else in the world that she’s even looking at.”

Translation: I better get all your attention. You, on the other hand, don’t get anything.

See how that works?

Too bad Romi and Kelsey aren’t using their mouths for much more than talking and drinking right now — they haven’t had sex in over three weeks. Kelsey wants to very badly, but Romi doesn’t. Sorry for them, but happy for us viewers. I really don’t need to see that.

Downtown, we find blond, Caucasian Claire having dinner with her Taiwanese-American girlfriend Vivian, and a bunch of other Asians. The sole tow-head, Claire gets a friendly ribbing about the plethora of Asians in her life. Whatever happens this season, I will say Claire has good taste: We have low body fat and excellent SAT scores. Vivian lovingly calls her girlfriend a “rice-chaser.”

Vivian can say bye-bye to her rice chaser, because Claire is about to move to the left coast to reconnect with her other Asian, Francine. Claire admits that Vivian is damn near perfect, so why is she moving 3000 miles to dig up Francine feelings, just to roll around in them? I think she’s delirious with Yellow Fever.

Back in LA, Sajdah is at her job at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center, fighting to overturn Prop 8, the California ballot measure that shut the window on legalized gay marriage. She’s also hitting on a straight co-worker, offering her a complimentary bag of Skittles if she switches teams. That’s it? Remember when we used to give out toaster ovens? Not in this economy.

Sajdah was straight, herself, until about a year ago. Check it out:

Sajdah’s mom didn’t know what to think or do when Sajdah came out to her. She hoped “it was just another phase. Like, you wore light blue every day.” Hard to believe the gay thing was the alarming part.

Meanwhile baby-mama-wannabes Cori and Kacy are in their little love nest, talking about sperm. They don’t want to use a sperm bank because it’s so impersonal. Cory explains, “I don’t want some Joe Schmoe who needed money for a six-pack, so he went and beat off into a cup.”

Knock one out, get paid and have a beer? Sounds good to me. That’s what I call penis envy.

Last year, Corcy’s friend Brent said he would help them out, and now it’s time to put his sperm where his mouth is. Sorry, that came out wrong.

While Corcy marks their ovulation calendar, Sara is using Whitney’s dubious handyman skills to lure her over to her house. She asks Whitney to hang a mirror and a candle holder thingy, and change a light bulb, which begs the question: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: one million and two. One to screw it in, one to lift her up by the crotch, and one million to say out loud, “This is about as interesting as watching paint dry.”

Back in New York, Whitney’s ex, Rachel, is playing Keep-Away with a mini-vibrator, a random dude friend, and Hana, who happens to be Sara’s ex.

Rachel and Whitney. Whitney and Sara. Sara and Hana. Yes, it’s true, we are all connected in a disturbing, incestuous way. I’m five degrees separated from Megan Fox, but I’m saving that true Hollywood story for my memoirs.

Rachel is getting ready to visit Whitney. She says she doesn’t care who Whitney’s seeing, dating or two-timing; she will always be the Mary to their Rhoda. As much as I apreesh the Mary Tyler Moore reference, everyone knows that Rhoda was the funny, cool one with the better wardrobe.

Over at Chez Whitney, she and her level-headed, maternal roommate, Alyssa, are working on a job for the New Zealand Red Cross. If you recall, Whitney and Alyssa have a small special effects makeup company. Today, they’re gluing clear, fake shards to bloodied pieces of latex skin. What this has to do with the New Zealand Red Cross is anyone’s guess. Is there such a thing as a glass tornado?

Just then, Sara texts Whitney. Alyssa wants Whitney to get off the phone and do some work, but more importantly, take off that stupid shoelace. It’s cutting off the blood supply to your brain.

Alyssa reports that Sara’s own friends know she’s using Whitney. “She thought that doing the show would be really advantageous to her career as a hair stylist.” Hair stylist? I thought she was a dirty stripper.

The better match for Whitney, in Alyssa’s mind, is Rachel, who at this moment is somewhere over the Grand Canyon, watching an in-flight movie and eating peanuts. Alyssa asks Whitney if she wants to sleep with Rachel while she’s in LA. Whitney responds with a hesitant, “Nnooo.”

“That’s funny,” Alyssa says, “Two days ago, you said you were going to have sex with Rachel.” Sh-t. Called out. Done.

Before you can say “lesbian hamster wheel” Whitney and Alyssa are at Los Angeles International Airport, picking up Rachel. In another terminal, Claire is waiting for her emotional baggage to emerge at Carousel B.

Back in their New York hotel room, Romi and Kelsey are prepping for a night out on the town. Romi is in the bathroom, getting into the shower. She lets her towel fall to the floor and there it is: full-frontal.

The camera tilts down her bare, droopy boobies, zooms in on her crotch, and follows it until it disappears behind the shower curtain. At this point, I went completely blind. And deaf. Twat you say? I c–t hear you.

I’m not allowed to show the money shot, but suffice it to say, if you’re curious about Romi’s topiary styling preferences — she shaves.

Later, when Romi is mercifully wrapped in a towel once again, she tells Kelsey what to say, what not to say, and how to act in front of her friends.

Romi: Don’t ask Becky and her boyfriend 500 awkward questions.

Kelsey: What do you mean ” awkward question”? What qualifies as an awkward question?

Romi: Once you catch on that the response is … that the question is weird, then move on.

Basically, Romi would prefer if Kelsey was fun and charming and someone not her.

Meanwhile, Sajdah is in LA, skyping with a buddy and getting ready for her date with Chanel, a girl she met on match.com. For the occasion, Sajdah has chosen a slim-fit polo shirt, which marks the beginning of a new era on The Real L Word. She’s not wearing two dozen rubber gasket bracelets, a fedora, a vest, or a feather roach clip as an earring. Yet.

Sajdah calls her mom to tell her she’s met someone (“Don’t have sex!”) and drives over, hoping Chanel really is gay, and that she looks like her hot Facebook pictures. Sajdah finds Chanel waiting for her on the sidewalk.

Just call Sajdah “ol’ Pokerface.”

Over in West Hollywood, Cori and Kacy are shopping for something very specific. They walk into a sex toy store and inquire if there’s such a thing as a dildo that can squirt sperm. I think there is. And it’s called a penis.

Getting married, I get. One tux, one wedding gown, I get. Wanting to have a baby, I get. But feeling compelled to do it the “old fashion way” I don’t get. It’s time to think outside the box.

The closest thing the clerk can offer is a butt douche. Awesome, but no. He suggest they try Home Depot. Hilarious. What aisle would that be? Plumbing.

Don’t worry. They got this.

Kacy: We could take [a dildo] that looked reasonable-sized, and like, drill a hole in the middle and just kind of, shove it in.

Cori: My thinking is that we would get a straw, funnel it in there, and then, kinda like, uh, what do you call it? Spit ball? You would-

Kacy: Spit wad?

Cori: You would stick it in there, I don’t know, and then, you just go [blows].

This is what happens when you let the femme engineer something.

I can see it now. Lit candles, two empty wine glasses. “Rolling in the Deep” quietly sets the rhythm in the background. A thong, a pair of boxers and an empty Home Depot bag on the floor. Cory is legs akimbo, with her hips on a pillow. Kacy is wearing a dildo on her face. The straw is full. It’s time to shoot sperm into her beloved. Kacy takes a deep breath and … accidently inhales the semen. Very romantic.

I hope they try. I would love to see them try to drill a six inch hole through silicon with a Makita. And if they pull it off, I will give them a thousand dollars to name their baby MacGyver.

Afterwards, they go out to dinner, where Kacy assures Cori that she’ll always love her vagina, even if it goes horribly, irreparably awry after the birthing process.

Meanwhile. Sajdah is dirty dancing with Chanel at The Palms, a lesbian bar so old, Calamity Jane used to be the bartender. But it seems like things are looking up at the ol’ Hairy Palms, and for Sajdah, as well.

Outside, Chanel gives our stud a hug, a giggle and an “I think I like you.” Sajdah can’t help but grin like a loon. They hug it out.

Remember Claire? Yeah, me neither. But Francine remembers. She comes home to find her ex sitting on her couch. They retreat to the backyard, where Francine asks the $100,000 question: Why are you here? Duh. We’ve been over this. This is where we keep the internet. Francine practically dares Claire to admit she’s only in LA to be on television.

Claire: You know why I’m here.

Francine: Why?

Claire: Because I wanted to leave New York.

Francine: [bemused and droll] But you have a girlfriend. Why are you in LA? This is awkward. If you’re in love with a girl, why are you here?

Claire tries to dredge up some drama by yelling, but her acting is so piss poor, I feel like I’m watching a high school play. Francine calmly tells Claire that she’s being selfish and dishonest and hurting people’s feelings by trying to have her cake and eat it, too.

Whitney called. She wants her shtick back.

It’s past 4:00AM in New York, and Romi and Kelsey are good and drunk. They cab it back to their hotel, where it looks like Kelsey’s sexual dry spell is about to end.

Maybe next time. And be sure to wink at the TSA screener while your carry-on is going through x-ray. They love that.

In an interview later, Romi remembers that they were making out, but then she doesn’t know what happened. Did she fall asleep? Kelsey slowly turns to her, heavy-lidded and brain-dead, and mumbles, “Pretty much.” Kelsey is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Over at Whitney and Alyssa’s, it’s very late. Whitney subtly tells Rachel she looks tired. She agrees and toddles off to bed. Alyssa retreats to her room to stick pins in her Sara voodoo doll. As soon as the coast is clear, Whitney quietly walks out the front door and gets in her car.

Sara strolls out of the bushes and gets in the passenger seat. The minute they arrive at Sara’s house, they get naked. At this point, you definitely want to send the children out of the room. You might want to follow them because Whitney goes to work in a way that makes last season’s strap-on scene seem like hair-braiding.

Whitney’s face is buried so deep between Sara’s legs, it looks like she’s rooting for truffles. We get this action from three different angles, one of which is practically on top of Whitney’s head.

Just when you think your jaw can’t drop any farther, the camera cuts to show Whitney’s hand up in there, too, moving in an unmistakable in and out motion. Sara grunts loudly and waves her legs around like she’s landing airplanes with them.

I think we’ve just fallen off the lowest ledge of reality TV and into actual porn.

I can totes see this doing wonders for Sara’s hair styling “career,” can’t you?

We can’t cut away fast enough, so believe it when I say I’m happy to see Cori and Kacy waiting by the phone for Brent. They’re starting to suspect he’s backing out of the sperm donation. Finally, Brent texts them and says he can’t do it, it’s too much to handle. Cori starts to cry. Aww. Don’t cry, Cori. It could be worse. You could be Sara.

And that’s it for Episode 1. What did you think? Suddenly, Rose and Mikey don’t seem so bad, do they?

See you all next week. I’ll be the one hanging on that last ledge, poking my eyes out with a stick.

#reallword (and #thereallword) tweets…

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button