“Hand aufs Herz” recap: London Calling

Every time I find out something new about Hand aufs Herz, I’m seriously like, “Is this real life?” because I’ve been working in lesbian media for a long time now and things like this just don’t happen. The most recent news from Germany makes me even more suspicious that I am living in some kind of Wonka dream land where rivers flow with chocolate and gum drops fall from trees and Jenny and Emma are accessible to the whole world. Actually, that last thing is entirely true.

Remember when I told you that ProSiebenSat1, the network that airs Hand aufs Herz, was working toward a solution for international Jemma fans? Well, here’s the revolutionary idea they’ve come up with: On the show’s official website, they have created a section where we can watch every single clip from Jenny and Emma’s story so far.

I mean, in all my life I have never seen such a thing. A mainstream network catering to its international lesbian fan base by granting access to hundreds of videos of a beloved couple. And none of them are geo-blocked. They made it legal — they made it easy — for fans all over the world to enjoy their show. The clips are up for a four-week test phase, I think, so if you want this spectacularly gracious thing to keep happening, watch the clips on the official site. Traffic means revenue and revenue means more Jemma and more Jemma means I can’t stop smiling.

(For translations in loads of languages, check out JemmaInternational. Or this amazing group project at Jenny and Emma International that uses the Green Fish Subtitle Player. Also, here’s a tip: Google Chrome can auto-translate German text to English — or whatever language — text, so you can understand what the heck you’re reading and clicking on over at Sat1.)

Anyhoodle, we’ve got a lot to cover in today’s recap if we’re ever going to catch up with Jemma in real-time — so hop in my time machine and enjoy some Kinder ChocoFresh and away we go!

When last we left our little lez-beans, Emma was crushed that Jenny slept with Ben. They haven’t spoken in a while and Jenny is completely bereft, which kind of blows because today is her birthday. Ben and Luzi decide to throw her a surprise party, and Luzi — who has had just about enough of Emma’s moody shenanigans — invites Emma to come to Jenny’s for STAG rehearsal. Emma’s like, “What is the possibility that Jenny will be there, not that I care, and even if I did care, it would be in a completely nonchalant heterosexual way, not in like a ‘she shattered my heart into one gazillion pieces because of our enormous lezzer love’ kind of way.” Luzi goes, “Zero percent. There’s a zero percent chance your straight archenemy Jenny will be there.”

When Emma arrives at the “STAG rehearsal,” everyone is dressed like Andrew Lloyd Webber’s gayest dream. Luzi’s like, “Oh, it’s just a party that happened on accident, something that came together all by itself in the last 30 seconds or so.” She steers Emma into the house, explains the hoopla is for Jenny’s birthday, and before Emma has time to storm out, someone shouts about Jenny arriving. Everyone zooms around, ducking behind plants and diving over couches and shutting themselves in the refrigerator. Emma just stands there in the middle of the floor while the camera moves around her, all, “The way I am circling you is a metaphor for how you’re running out of places to hide!”

When Jenny walks in, she doesn’t notice the circus-colored decorations. All she notices is Emma standing in the middle of the room like some kind of firing squad victim. Her face opens up in the warmest smile and she’s goes, “Emma!” And then everyone jumps out, all, “Surprise! Hopefully you will kiss all of us on the mouth at your birthday party, which is, after all, the London way!”

Emma doesn’t even take off her coat, that’s how determined she is to leave. But also she can’t seem to force her feet to walk away from Jenny. So mostly she just stands in the middle of the room, dressed for winter, frowning and scuffing her shoes on the floor and going, “I’m leaving. I’m totally leaving this party” to anyone who passes by. Ben makes everything a hundred times worse because he keeps shouting about how smokin’ hot Jenny is in her party costume, and that only makes Emma madder about how he’s seen her naked.

Jenny finally makes her way to Emma and says she thought Emma would never speak to her again. She’s always so warm with Emma, so open, and Emma’s like, “I didn’t know this was a party for you. I thought it was STAG rehearsal. Did you un-sleep with Ben yet, because if not, I don’t think I have anything else to say to you.” They bicker about the hundred ways they’ve misunderstood each other while continuing to misunderstand each other. Jenny’s tolerance for bullshit is super limited, so finally she just cuts Emma off with: “Emma, I do not give a single shit about Ben! It’s you! It’s been you! Can we just stop waving the smoke around and admit that we’re both on fire?” And Emma’s like, “Nope.”

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