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“Glee” Episode 222 Recap: Nationals!

Let’s see. From Finn and Rachel we got lip service. Brittany and Santana, disservice. And with Kurt and Blaine, a little bit of last-minute fanservice.

I’m kind of despondent right now, so I’m half-tempted to just send in that paragraph as my recap, but I haven’t been abducted by a cab driver hearing voices like I was three weeks ago, or trapped in a hotel room in Laramie, Wyoming like I was two weeks ago. So I’m gonna have to overcome my sadness at the end of Season Two, and the lack of focus on the storylines that touch my heart the most, and recap this sucker.

The night got off to a bad start when American Idol stole the usual Glee time slot for its vapid finale. But by the time Glee rolled around an hour later, I was really excited. And I had sworn I wasn’t going to let the fact that they were actually writing their original songs in New York City upset me. Glee universe, Glee rules, la la la I am suspending disbelief. A couple of times I felt my rational mind rise up screaming, but I wrestled it back into its locked closet and kept watching.

The episode opened with a classic montage of Times Square, with some awesome CNN and Bank of America product placement, and then a That Girl-esque shot of Rachel, so excited she looked like she could fly, saying, “I made it.” I kind of got tingles, I admit it.

The rest of the New Directions kids are sitting on some nearby steps.

“A year and a half ago, the New Directions were nothing but a group of six misfits, stumbling their way through a horrific rendition of ‘Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat,'” Kurt, wearing a charming fur hat, says, “And now here we are, at the top of the show choir heap. Nationals!”

Tina squeals that she wants to “hit up Central Park and get my frolic on,” and Puck says he wants to throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge, but Finn, apparently channeling me, points out that they still have two songs to write.

Kurt blows him off. “Okay,” he says. “Mr. Bossy Pants.” Remember when Kurt worshipped the ground Finn walked on? I like them so much better as brothers!

They all break into a very real-sounding, ie, no music, no harmonies, really not very good, rendition of “New York, New York,” when Rachel walks up and tells them she has tickets to Cats. Which, as Quinn points out, closed eleven years ago. Rachel isn’t really surprised; she says the guy who sold them to her seemed crazy. “He charged my credit card by swiping it through his butt crack.”

Can we have a show of hands as to how many people believe Rachel doesn’t know the opening and closing days of every Broadway hit since the dawn of time? And I’m not saying it’s completely out of the question that Quinn might know, but Quinn and not Rachel?

Excuse me while I crank up my suspension of disbelief. And I know you’re all going, wow, she really hated this episode, but honestly, I didn’t. I enjoy suspending disbelief. I watched Xena: Warrior Princess for seven seasons. They got to China from ancient Greece in like, three days. Suspension of disbelief is one of my favorite things.

Where was I? Oh yes. Still in the stuff that happened while the opening credits rolled.

Will is checking the gang into the hotel, where they have only two rooms. He tells the clerk he’s going to split them up, boys in one room, girls in the other.

“You guys in for the show choir competition?” she asks him.

“Yeah, why?”

“Most of the other teams split them up by sexual orientation,” she says.

Can you see Santana in with Puck, Finn, Artie and Mike? I cannot. Although with Kurt in the other room, Santana may actually have been able to get into the bathroom to do her makeup.

And poor bi Brittany — would she just have to wander the halls?

The kids stroll into the lobby, and Rachel comments to Finn that she’s surprised at how well Quinn is handling the breakup. “I guess I was wrong about her being a vindictive harpy,” she tells him.

Since this episode is majorly about Finn and Rachel, it would be wrong for me not recap those parts, wouldn’t it? I’m just kind of tired of them. Even if Finn was a lot more adorable and romantic in this episode than he normally is.

So, Finn asks what’s up with Jessie, and Rachel says he’s been texting her a lot (apparently he didn’t accompany the show choir to New York), but she told him she wasn’t going to talk to him until she got back. “No boys, no distractions, until we win the trophy,” she says, walking away from Finn, who gazes after her with his usual perplexed facial expression.

Will gets all the kids into one of the rooms for a group meeting. Kurt is looking at the room service menu. “Do you know I can get an ahi tartare and a steak sandwich at 3 in the morning from the all-night dining menu? I feel like Eloise!”

“I have pills for that,” Brittany says.

Will tells the kids they’re on lockdown, and they have to work on their songs while he goes to the theater to fill out some paperwork. But really, he goes to the theater where April’s show is opening, and sings a song with magical accompaniment and lighting effects, and I do not care. If you do, I apologize. But I thought all this time spent on Will’s somewhat less than mid-life crisis was a waste.

Back at the hotel, Brittany is singing an epic, epic song of her own composition called, I presume, “My Cup,” which is so much better than “My Headband,” if only because it opens with a pair of hanging suspenders framing her butt and features not just her singing but her dancing. Everything in life is better with HeMo dancing. This is not just my opinion; it’s empirical fact. I believe there may even be data on this.

Also? Watching everyone’s facial expressions during this song is one of the best things about this whole episode. Santana is by turns lovingly amused and totally gobsmacked. Kurt’s face is locked in a rictus of horror. Lauren’s mouth is a perfect “O” of disbelief.

“Is this song about… a cup?” Tina asks.

“Yeah, totally,” Brittany says.

“We gotta get out of here,” Quinn says decisively, picking up her coat.

Team captains Finn and Rachel argue for obeying Mr. Schue, but they’re over-ruled by the rest. “We don’t need to write the songs for Nationals,” Quinn says. “New York’s going to write them for us.”

Now, I read that this episode cost $6 million, and I believe it. I don’t think it was worth the money, but I do believe it. The next scene is a mash-up of “I Love New York” and “New York, New York,” set in basically every famous setting in Manhattan, including places it would have taken them an hour to get to from where they were two lines earlier.

It’s really good, Quinn’s shoes are totally awesome, Santana is so hot I’m surprised the cop she flirted with didn’t arrest her. And New York is even better than Quinn’s shoes. (By the way, I tried to find a photo of Quinn’s shoes somewhere. Last week, it took me two seconds to find out all about Kurt’s pants. But nothing on her shoes.)

Later, Finn, Puck, Sam and Mike are hanging out in the hotel room, and Puck says, “Can we just talk about the Jewish elephant in the room?”

They try to convince Finn to make a play for Rachel. “You’re in New York, the city of love,” Puck says.

“I thought that was Paris,” Sam says, his mouth full.

“Anything’s possible here,” Puck goes on. “You need to ask her out. Tonight. Take her on one of those big awful dates you see in those romantic comedies where you grow a vagina if you if you watch all the way through.”

“This is your shot, dude,” Sam says, still eating. “If I was in love with a girl and I wasn’t homeless, I’d totally go for it.”

If this was fan fic, Finn would leave to go get Rachel and then Sam and Puck would have sex. Am I right? Although I’m not sure what Mike would do. I don’t actually read Sam/Puck (Suck? Pam?) fan fic so I have no idea what people do with Mike in situations like this.

The girls are having a pillow fight in their room — well, except Rachel, who’s trying to write a song. I noted that Santana and Brittany are only pillowing each other. With as little Brittana as there is in this episode, I take what I can get.

Finn texts Rachel and tells her to dress up and meet him at the bridge in Central Park.

This scene is just the most fabulous Technicolor romantic movie — not a modern rom com, but doing it old school — a real romance. Turns out Finn’s pulling out all the stops, and I’ve never liked him more except when he put on the red shower curtain and saved Kurt from getting beat up.

They go to Sardi’s, where Rachel spots Miss Patti Lupone. She has a fangirl moment (on behalf of herself and of Kurt, too). Miss Lupone tells her to never give up on her dreams, and oh yeah — that Finn’s cute. She wishes them both luck, and gracefully leaves the restaurant.

Walking down the quiet, rain-wet, lantern-lit street with Finn after dinner, Rachel sighs that it was a perfect night, like something from a romantic movie. “All we need now is a group of street singers to serenade us.”

Puck, Sam, Mike and Artie are suddenly there, with Puck playing an accordion, singing “Bella Notte” from Lady and the Tramp. But Rachel and Finn don’t see them, so I’m guessing they’re not really there, if anything is “really” anything on Glee tonight.

Finn says that if this was a romantic movie this is the part where he’d kiss her, but Rachel freaks out and runs off before he can.

The next morning — when I feel the need to point out they still have no songs written — Kurt wakes Rachel up and says they’re going to breakfast at Tiffany’s. Of course they are.

So we get what has to be one of the finest Kurt and Rachel friendship scenes in the history of Glee, as they talk about their mutual love of Broadway and their determination to come back the instant they graduate.

“I talked to Blaine, and he’s on board, too,” Kurt says.

“Good,” Rachel answers. “But what am I going to do about Finn?” She thinks he wants to get back together, she says, “but I can’t let anything keep me from my Manhattan destiny.”

“Bring him along,” Kurt says. “He’ll be great if we need to move anything heavy.”

“Finn won’t come,” she says, “He’s too much of a country boy.” Say what?

“Ah,” says Kurt. “The age old dilemma, love or career. You’re gonna have to make a choice.”

“I don’t know how,” Rachel says.

“I do,” Kurt tells her. “Follow me.”

Then they break into the theater where Wicked is playing, and sing “For Good.” It’s truly one of their best duets (which is saying a lot), and I really loved how Chris Colfer used his voice in this one — he moved much more effortlessly between his head voice and his chest voice than he did in the Gypsy number he did last week. (And thanks to my actor/singer friend, Travis Terry, for letting me sound smart by using those singing terms. Me, I call them his “high voice” and his “deeper voice.”)

And of course, singing the song showed Rachel that Broadway is her destiny, not Finn. And they hold hands and really, just too sweet. I really like them as friends, and I love that their bond is and has always been their talent and their dreams.

Back in the girl’s hotel room, Santana and Brittany are banging on the bathroom door. “Quinn,” Santana yells through the door. “Quit hogging the bathroom. I needs to re-pencil my eyebrows on.”

Quinn emerges, and says she’s going to tell Mr. Schue that Kurt and Rachel snuck off.

“You can’t do that,” Brittany says. “He’ll suspend them.” Yeah, because Will is so hard-ass about the rules.

“And then there goes our chances at Nationals,” Quinn says sarcastically. “Darn.”

“You know what?” Santana says. “We get it. You’re pissed about Finn dumping your sweet ass. Get over it.”

“I don’t want to get over it!” Quinn explodes.

“The only person you’re sabotaging here is yourself,” Santana tells her.

“I don’t care about some dumb show choir competition,” Quinn says, furious.

“Well you should, because this is the one chance we have to actually feel good about ourselves.”

“Aren’t we supposed to be the popular girls?” Quinn says, so much pain and loss in her face it choked me up. “So why can’t we be the ones to have our dreams come true?”

And the look on Santana’s face… that really gets her.

Quinn’s not done. “She has love. Tina has it. Even Zizes hooks up.”

Santana is looking stricken, and Brittany is flushed and looking at the floor. I think this is a more meaningful and intense Brittana scene, although largely subtextual, than the overt one we get at the very end of the episode. This is the kind of thing that sparks a thousand fan fics, and hey, writers, it’s going to be a long summer break. Start writing that now, kthnx.

Quinn sits on the bed, crying. “I just want somebody to love me.”

Santana and Brittany sit on either side of her, Brit stroking her hair. “I think I know how to make you feel better,” Santana says.

“I’m flattered, Santana,” a weeping Quinn tells her, “But I’m really not that into that.”

Notice she doesn’t say, “I’m not into that.” She says, “I’m really not that into that.” There goes the fan fic again.

“No,” Santana says. “I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about a haircut.”

“Yes!” Brittany agrees, smiling. Adorable scene, truly.

Down in the lobby, Dustin Goolsby (Cheyenne Jackson, who I’d truly hoped we were going to see a lot more of this season) strolls up to Mr. Schue and wishes him good luck in his Broadway debut.

When he does, he gives him this flirty up-and-down with his eyelashes, and I know we’ve been told Goolsby is straight, so I don’t know if he’s not, or that was just Cheyenne, not Dustin. Or wait, I’m over-thinking this, aren’t I?

“How did you find out?” Will asks. They’re suddenly sitting at the bar.

“It’s all over the Broadway blogosphere,” he says. “By ‘blogosphere’ I mean the one blog that actually cares about Broadway.”

He advises Will not to tell the New Directions kids, and says he hates his own kids. “I would literally whip them if I could. Every time I watch them achieve, it reminds me of what I missed out on.”

“I love my kids,” Will says.

“What? No, you don’t. They’re hideous. My kids are at least attractive. Yours look like they haven’t been baked properly.”

Will’s having none of it, of course. He says that watching them grow into young men and women has been the joy of his life.

“You’re starting to tear up,” Goolsby observes with disgust. “I bet people think I broke up with you.” He stands up. “See you on the ice, Schuester.”

Will shows up in the hotel room with pizza, and Quinn, in her new, shorter haircut, tells him they’ve heard. Turns out Goolsby told them — surprise, surprise. Will first tells them he hasn’t made up his mind, but as they talk, he suddenly does.

“I’m not going,” he says. “I’m staying with you guys…. You and I have some unfinished business to take care of. Get out your notebooks. Time to get to work!”

Then they have a big group hug and I guess finally write their songs.

They get to the competition where Will jinxes everything but saying they have a really good chance at winning this thing.

An all-girl’s choir sings Usher’s “Yeah,” while wearing like the worst dresses ever. Will notices Goolsby walking out, and he follows him into the lobby and tells him that New Directions is going to win the competition.

“You’re about to go up against the best show choirs in the country, and your team spent all week mooning about how great New York is,” he responds (correctly). “You’re a bag of meat.”

In the next scene, Rachel’s in the ladies’ room, where she hears someone throwing up in one of the stalls.

“Santana?” she says.

But it’s Sunshine Corazon from Vocal Adrenaline.

Rachel accuses her of being bulimic, but it turns out she’s just nervous. She says she used to love singing but now she hates it; seems the machine that is Vocal Adrenaline doesn’t work for her.

They rehash the whole crack house thing, and Rachel finally confesses that she did that to Sunshine because she’s so talented.

Sunshine’s always been super-cute, but tonight she looks horrible in her bright blue dress and unflattering hairstyle. Rachel hugs her anyway.

Vocal Adrenaline performs “As Long As You’re There,” which I think is an original song? I don’t recognize it and Google was not helpful. Sunshine just isn’t as good as she’s been in the past, and neither is Vocal Adrenaline. Seems Goolsby’s not as good a coach as Rachel’s mom.

They get huge applause anyway.

Backstage, Rachel tells Finn he wrote an incredible song, and he cuts her off. He says all she’s ever said she wanted was him, but “now I’m standing here basically begging for you, and suddenly you’re not interested.”

She says that she is “more than interested,” but she’s not going to let anyone or anything take her away from her New York dream. “There’s nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.”

Then they sing. Talk about bad timing. It’s a pretty good Finchel duet, and it ‘s well-received by the audience. During it, Jessie comes in, and tells Will he couldn’t stay away. “From the show?” Will says. “Or from her?”

At the end of the song, Finn and Rachel locks eyes, and then lips in a passionate, lengthy, unscripted kiss. The audience is dead silent, only Will applauding at first.

Then they do their second number, another original song, this one called “Light Up the World.” It was cute, but not as good as some of their other group anthems. Santana does the opening vocals, and the lyrics sounded very Brittana-esque.

The audience loves this number, cheering and whistling and applauding when it’s over.

After the performance, Brittany is looking at t-shirts in the lobby. She’s holding one up, and says, “Don’t you think is going to look so hot on Lord Tubbington? I’m going to go find an extra-large.” So glad my favorite character got that little shout-out.

Rachel and Finn are talking, and Finn says he calls their kiss “the kiss of the century.”

“You’re wrong, Finn,” Jessie says, walking up to them. “That kiss was unprofessional. It was too personal and intense. The judges won’t like it. They’ll consider it common and vulgar, and it just cost you nationals. Hi, Rachel. You look amazing. And you sounded great. You just shouldn’t have kissed him.”

“Why are you here, Jessie?”

“For you.”

“Dude,” says Finn, “Back off. You’re just jealous, jealous of what we have and what we shared with the entire audience. Because it was shared between two people who love each other. It was the Superman of kisses. It came with its own cape. Right, Rachel?”

She agrees, although she looks a little uncomfortable.

And then the winners are announced, and New Directions isn’t even in the top ten.

This wasn’t a big deal to me, although I’d kind of assumed they’d come closer than that. I knew there was no way they’d have them win because hello, then what would they do next season? But not even in the top ten? Ouch. The judges must have hated that kiss even more than Jessie did.

Or maybe it was that they wrote their songs, taught them to the band (where, by the way, did the band stay, since they weren’t in the hotel and Will said he had only two rooms?) and learned them in like, an hour.

Ack. I did it again, didn’t I?

By the way, I’m not sure if there’s a run-off or this is the final top ten, but Vocal Adrenaline was in second place, although they seemed really happy so maybe it went on.

Now, I could see there were a few more minutes of the show left, but with the endless commercials, I didn’t see how there could be much more. And time-wise, there wasn’t, but the writers managed to squeeze in a whole lot of really gratuitous stuff that can’t be called anything but fan service. And I’m a fan and I did enjoy it, but you know… it was what it was.

First is Kurt and Blaine at the Lima Bean. Kurt’s recapping what happened after they found out they didn’t place — including Santana going all Lima Heights adjacent, in Spanish at the top of her lungs while Quinn, Mike and Sam hold her back — barely. And there are subtitles. It was awesome.

“I don’t get it,” Blaine says. “You don’t seem that sad at all.”

“It was still amazing,” Kurt says. “I flew on a plane for the first time in my life. I had breakfast at Tiffany’s. I sang on a Broadway stage.”

“I love you,” Blaine says.

They stare at each other for a long time, then Kurt says, “I love you, too.” Then he grins and looks cocky. “You know, if you think about it, Kurt Hummel’s had a pretty good year.”

Sam and Mercedes show up together, although Mercedes says they just ran into each other in the parking lot.

Blaine says they were just leaving to get some sheet music, because he’s auditioning for the summer show at Six Flags.

“I’m spending my summer composing ‘Pip Pip Hooray,’ a Broadway musical about Pippa Middleton,” says Kurt.

“I have no idea who that is,” Sam says. “But it sounds totally awesome.” Which it does, and I do know who she is.

After they walk away from Kurt and Blaine, Mercedes asks Sam if he thinks they know, and Sam says, “Nobody does.” Then they hold hands. I approve. They’re darling together.

Then we’re at the infamous Brittany/Santana locker. Santana has a Rachel voodoo doll, and Brittany says, “We can’t be mad at Rachel forever.”

“Yes, we can,” Santana says. “How can you possibly be so calm?”

“I don’t know, I hated losing as much as anyone, but this year wasn’t about winning for me.”

“Clearly, because we got our asses kicked.”

Brittany is distressed, but says, “Right.”

“Sorry,” Santana says, looking at her. “What was it about?”

Brittany’s answer is “Acceptance,” a thematic anvil that I’d be more willing to overlook if we’d gotten a Brittana kiss out of this. But no.

We get the message, that Glee Club is a family, and Brittany says she loves everyone in Glee Club and if she gets to spend another year with people she loves, that’s good with her.

“I know I’m going to be a bridesmaid at Mike and Tina’s wedding, and I know I’m going to be anxiously awaiting, just like everyone else, to see if their babies are Asian, too. When they find an operation to make Artie’s legs work again, I’m going to be there for his first steps. I love them. I love everyone in Glee Club.”

“What about you and I?” Santana asks.

“I love you, Santana. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else in this world. All I know about you and I is, because of that, I think anything’s possible.”

They hug, and Santana tells Brittany, “You’re my best friend.”

“Yeah, me too,” Brittany says.

They pull apart, a little awkwardly on Santana’s part, and laugh and link pinkies. “When did you get so smart?” Santana says as they walk off together.

I saw some discontent with this scene on Twitter last night, but I thought it was lovely. I would have loved them to have kissed, but we were still seeing that reserve and closetedness in Santana, and I think maybe them kissing in the middle of the hallway at school would have been completely out of character for her at the moment. I really thought this was a very reassuring and meaningful scene, although I still saw more emotional power in the scene with Quinn in New York; this scene felt, as I said, a bit anvilly. (That’s not a word, is it?)

We end with a Rachel and Finn scene that I’m going to summarize thus: Finn reminds Rachel that, however much her career means to her, they still have a year left of high school, so why not try dating and see how it does? She says yes, they kiss yet again, go to a meeting in the choir room where everyone welcomes them, even Quinn, and it turns out Brittany was right; everyone in Glee Club loves everyone else, even when they’re mad at them.

The end. For now. See you in the fall!

PS: #gaysharks tweets…

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