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“Coronation Street” recap: 100 Percent Lesbian

Coronation Street is a bit like coming home, isn’t it? I’ve always known in my head-space why a prominent lesbian relationship on a 50-year-old soap is a Big Deal, but I don’t think I ever really understood it in my heart-space until Sophie and Sian returned from their recent hiatus and I found myself sighing into their warm Mancunian embrace.

Last time we saw these two muff-monkeys, Tommy Duckworth had come to town and barked up the wrong lesbian. Sophie threatened to chop off his balls if he made another pass at Sian, so everyone thought that particular shenanigan was over. Wrong! Sian comes into Roy’s for breakfast, and Tommy cuddles right up to her at the counter while Jason and Tyrone watch in bewilderment. You know I like to make up some dialogue, but only the real deal will do for this scene.

Jason: He hasn’t got a clue, has he?

Tyrone: I’m sure he knows; what is he playing at?

Tommy: [Returns from flirting with Sian] It’s in the bag, that.

Jason: She likes girls.

Tommy: Who doesn’t?

Jason: No, Tommy, I’m being serious. She’s gay.

Tommy: Yeah, I know.

Tyrone: What? And you think you’re still in there?

Tommy: It’s a work in progress, isn’t it?

Jason explains how not every girl who laughs at your jokes also wants to shag you, but Tommy can’t hear him because he thinks every Pants Party he throws is auto-RSVP. Oh, man. You guys remember Ryan? I mean, he was an absolute tool, but, like, a hammer. Tommy Duckworth is a full-on power saw. Whatever, though, Sophie Webster doesn’t need a tool belt. (ZING!)

Sophie and Sian have volunteered to work at a soup kitchen, but they need a ride because Sally is jetting around Paris with her beau. Tommy offers to give Sian some driving lessons – actual car driving lessons, mind – and Sophie steps in between them and says Sophie doesn’t have a car, so it’s a moot point. Actually, my notes say: “Sian doesn’t have a car so there’s no point in discussing it,” Sophie Sallys. Which is really funny ’cause Sian says the same thing in just a little while.

Back at the shop, Tommy tells Tyrone: “Sian might be gay, but she’s not made out of stone. She obviously fancies me. She’s dead eager for me to give her driving lessons.” That’s some amazing logic there, Duckworth: “I know she’s a vegetarian, but I one time killed a boar with my bare hands.” “I know she only speaks German, but I aced my A-levels in Portuguese.” “I know her girlfriend is going to put my gonads in a vice if I go near her again, but I one time saw a guy charm a snake with a trumpet and piece of apple pie.” Tyrone gives Tommy the keys to his car ’cause why not?

Over at Roy’s, Tommy gallops in on a white steed in a cloud of Axe Body Spray talking about, “Wanna go for a ride, pretty lady?” Sian wants to know whose car he stole, and Sophie says, “You do understand the concept of Sian being my girlfriend, right?”

One thing I love about Sian in the deepest place of my heart is how Sophie’s whole protective/jealousy thing just makes her giggle. She always grins and raises her eyebrow at the object of Sophie’s wrath when she senses it coming, like, “Maybe stop waving your blood red flag in front of the raging bull, mate.” Sophie’s like, “I mean, Sian can do what she wants; she doesn’t need my permission to get into a car with you.” And Sian squeals and kisses her because yeah, she totally does.

So Tommy gives Sian driving lessons like a perfect gentleman and then escorts her, un-accosted, back to her door.

Just kidding! He totally tries it on with her, and she stomps away calling him all kinds of names and not even bothering to toss a life jacket back over her shoulder for the inevitable onslaught of Hurricane Sophie. At home, she’s folding laundry in a huff when Sophie comes in. Sophie, who only just started doing laundry again like three weeks ago when she finally got out of that candyfloss dressing gown, is like, “Whoa, what is going – he made another pass at you, didn’t he?” Sian tries to calm her down, but Sophie is having exactly none of it. She leaves the house at a Four Horsemen pace, just ready to rain down Apocalypse on Tommy’s head. Sian chases after her, ostensibly to stop her, but I think she just wants to see Sophie kick Tommy in the babymaker. Maybe kneecap him a little bit. 

Sophie finds Tommy at the garage and lights into him. Rosie never met some commotion she didn’t like, so she rushes over just in time to hear Tommy say that Jason dared him to try to kiss Sian. And whoo boy! If Sophie’s Apocalyptic horses are Pestilence, War and Famine, Rosie’s horse is plain old Death. When Jason comes home, she’s like, “You disrespected my sister and her girlfriend. Prepare to die, motherf–ker.” She seriously breaks up with him because of course she does; she’s the best sister in the world. (Marry me, Rosie! Wear the chicken suit, I don’t care!)

Now, while Tommy’s been roaming around Weatherfield like Lothario’s best dream, Sophie and Sian have also started working at Roof and Refuge, a soup kitchen run by their gay buddy James. Corrie uses the storyline to reintroduce Dennis Tanner to the show, but also I love it because it’s the perfect antidote to that whole “Church Is Where The Good People Go” thing. No, see, the church rejected Sophie and Sian because they’re gay – even though their pastor reached out to them after Sophie almost died falling from the roof – and so they’re shining their light somewhere else. It reminds me of this great Salon.com article by a Presbyterian minister called “I preached against homosexuality, but I was wrong.”

The truth is, I was put out that [homosexuality] was an issue. Feeding the hungry, preaching the gospel, comforting the afflicted, standing up to racial intolerance – these were the struggles I signed up for, not determining the morality of what adults did in their bedrooms.

The church doesn’t have a monopoly on Doing Good, and I love that three of the most benevolent characters on this show are gay. Don’t want them in church? No bigs, they’ll Do Good all by themselves.

Rosie comes up with total Rosie Plan to convince Jason that Tommy is a skeeze. She asks him to come over and “fix the pipes,” and then tells him to go upstairs so they can get their bang on. He’s like, “Of course you want to shag me, everyone does.” And then he hops up the stairs, and hops back down, almost completely starkers. Jason, Rosie, Sian and Sophie are sitting at the table giggling at him.

Jason kicks him out onto his naked arse, and Sophie goes, “Well, if I wasn’t 100 percent sure I was a lesbian before, I definitely am now!”

Sophie sees Sian out later, taking Tommy’s clothes back to him, and she’s like, “I’m making tea, so hurry home. Also, wash your hands when you’re done.” Sian giggles and says, “You are so turning into your mother.”

Have you guys read Stieg Larsson’s Millennium Trilogy? The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and all that? Ol’ Stieg gets a lot of grief for the details, details, details, but there’s something to be said about knowing the mundane things about a character. Like, I know Lisbeth Salander is a badass genius hacker with a penchant for flame-thrower levels of vengeance. But also I know she buys all her groceries at the 7-Eleven at Götgatan, and by “groceries” I mean she lives off Billy’s Pan Pizzas and frozen fish casseroles. And that’s the real beauty of Corrie, right? You don’t just know about these characters; you know these characters, because week in and week out for fifty years, they’re showing up in your living room and letting you into their lives.

I mean, the insanity of Pretty Little Liars is an absolute treat. And the angst and absurdity of Glee is a rollicking good time. But I’m not sure there have ever been any shows – save maybe Tina and Bette’s relationship on the first season of The L Word – that just let us see lesbian couples enjoying one another. I love Sophie and Sian’s relationship for a million reasons. I mean, yes, the cultural impact, of course. And obviously, the way Brooke and Sacha ship them so. But mostly I just enjoy watching Sophie and Sian be, which is, of course, exactly what they wanted all along.

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