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“Glee” Episode 220 Recap: You Are the Dancing Queen

If you’d told me when I was a little dyke that one day there’d be a mega-popular youth audience show with five, count ’em five, major queer characters all with their own powerful storylines, I’d have patted you on the head and done my best to avoid you from then on.

And yet, here we have it, with prom dresses, tuxes and corsages. That’s right: This week, Glee went to the prom.

Jacob Ben-Israel found it all too exciting, especially since it gave him the chance to ask semi-reformed bad boy Puck, “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”

When Puck threatened violence, Jacob just swallowed and squeaked, “I’m not scared; I’ve been hit by a girl before.”

But Puck’s clearly thinking. So is Principal Figgins; when his favorite band, Air Supply, bails on playing at the prom, Figgins offers New Directions the $400 he was going to pay them if they’d take the gig. Will is reluctant at first, because the group needs to practice for Nationals, which are only 3 weeks away, but finally agrees.

Sue, of course, wants none of it, giving as her reason something about a punch bowl that frankly makes no sense at all.

When Will tells the Glee Club they’re going to be the prom band, Mercedes isn’t happy at the news, because she doesn’t have a prom date. Brittany, having split with Artie and been turned down by a frightened Santana, says she doesn’t have a date, either. She’s just going to dance with everyone else’s dates. “So all your dates are my dates,” she says with a happy fist pump.

Mercedes walks out of the choir room, and Rachel follows her. Mercedes tells Rachel that even though she talks tough about not needing a man — and in fact, she doesn’t need one — she still has the prom fantasy of a guy telling her she looks beautiful and asking her to dance.

Rachel says she doesn’t have a prom date, either, but she does have a plan. So does Kurt, who asks Blaine to be his date. They’re holding hands in the sweetest possible way, too.

Who could possibly turn down a guy who is wearing a camouflage shirt and a bow tie? But Blaine hesitates anyway. It turns out that, at his old school, right after he came out, he’d asked the only other gay guy at school to a dance, after which three guys “beat the crap out of them.”

We knew Blaine had been bullied at his old school, but we never knew he’d been the victim of violence. I know there’s been some talk about Blaine “running away” and not confronting his bullies, but really, if three guys gang up on you and beat you badly, what the hell are you supposed to do? Invite them to a meeting of the Gay-Straight Student Alliance?

Kurt is perfectly awesome in response. He points out that even if Blaine feels he failed to stand up to the bullies at his school, now he can stand up to them at Kurt’s. But, he says, if Blaine’s really not comfortable with going, they can just take in a movie instead.

“You know I’m crazy about you,” Blaine says, reaching out for Kurt’s hands again.

“I take it that’s a ‘yes’?” Kurt says, making flirty eyes at Blaine. And of course, it is.

Rachel’s plan turns out to be a “three way date” — in the non-dirty sense — with her, Mercedes, and Sam. Sam’s in — in fact, he says he’d be honored. And yes, having the two biggest divas in the school on your arm is an honor, Sam. Glad you appreciate it. Also, it was AfterElton editor Dennis who wrote that caption about him needing a haircut last week; I’m totally loving the hair.

Next we get a prom dress fashion show with Lauren Zizes and Santana. Kurt’s been brought in as the ultimate fashion arbiter, which role he performs brilliantly.

Lauren rants about the lack of great dresses for big girls, and Kurt sadly agrees that prom dresses are mostly designed for girls size 2 and under. Lauren says her yellow poofy dress looks like a lemon meringue, and Brittany seems to think so, too. “I think you look delicious,” she tells her.

“Try navy,” Kurt says, saluting. “It’s chic and slimming.”

“Duly noted” responds a grateful Lauren.

I gotta say I love the plus-positive vibe of Glee. Sometimes the stereotypes bite, but overall, I just love how this is framed that there’s something wrong with the prom dress industry rather than there being something wrong with girls who aren’t a size 2.

Of course, some girls are, and one of them walks next: Santana, in a clingy red number that caused me to temporarily lose the power of speech. Kurt was similarly impressed, saying he had no criticisms and calling her a “devil in a red dress.”

“Go with God, Satan,” he says. “I mean, Santana.”

Kurt then tells the girls that he’s going to the prom with Blaine, and Santana pulls him aside for what she calls a “private fashion question.” She offers him a stepped-up Bully Whips security detail, which will help her with her prom queen campaign — she’s the “Eva Peron” candidate.

Puck, in an effort to get his bad boy street cred back, asks Artie to help him spike the punch at the prom. Artie says no, because he doesn’t think it’s something that would get Brittany back.

Rachel auditions her prom solo for the A-V club in the auditorium. She starts singing Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep,” a shatteringly beautiful song in its original version that I’m seriously worried won’t be listenable when it’s Glee-ified. It’s not that I don’t love this show, but they don’t always do tough songs like this justice.

I was also worried because Rachel was one line into the song when Jesse St. James strolls in from the back of the auditorium and starts singing it with her. I clearly need to pay more attention to spoilers, because I had a serious WTF moment when he showed up.

But I truly liked what they did with this song. They both have amazing voices, and the acapella treatment, and the interesting backup from the A-V club members, made this a genuine re-interpretation of the song, rather than a less-then re-make. It was also a nice chance for Rachel to blaze at Jesse in anger, an attitude I wished she’d hung onto for the whole episode. But alas.

Jesse tells Rachel that what he did to her (for those who don’t know, he pelted her with raw eggs. I’m just saying, it’s not the kind of thing I’d be likely to forgive) was his biggest regret. “I traded love for a fourth consecutive national championship,” he says. “It was a bum deal. For a first, maybe, but a fourth? No way. I’ve come to make amends. So, what are you doing for prom?”

The next day, Finn’s very upset to hear that Jesse’s back in the picture. When he confronts Rachel, she tells him it’s not his concern anymore. She gives him some sweet advice about Quinn, and when she walks away, we see on her face that it’s all an act — our girl is still in love with Finn. So, what’s she doing giving Jesse another chance? I don’t get it. I really don’t. I know we’re told Rachel has self-esteem issues, but I can’t imagine her going out with Jesse again after what he did to her, no matter how well he belts out a song.

Santana, in her Bully Whips uniform and walking with Kurt, is talking to Karofsky, similarly if less attractively attired, on walky talkies. Karofsky reports he sees no signs of gay attacks or effigies of Liberace being burned, so Santana announces, loud and clear, “Teen gay, you may now proceed to the next checkpoint without fear of violence.”

Kurt wonders why Santana is doing this, and she tells him, “I’m the law and order prom queen candidate.”

Kurt: “I’m walking away from you now.”

The next scene is set during Home Ec class. Kurt is begging the teacher to forget cupcakes and teach him how to make a pate before he graduates, while Brittany agonizes over the smashing of tiny chicken houses — eggs, for those who don’t speak Brittany-ese.

Artie shows up and tries to serenade Brittany into going to the prom with him. He unfortunately sings “Isn’t She Lovely,” one of the most nauseating songs ever written, and one that was (as Mercedes points out to Kurt sotto voce, was written about a newborn baby). Puck and Mike and Sam stroll in and accompany him, and while at first Brittany is either annoyed or embarrassed, she gets into it by the end.

But she still tells Artie no; he’d called her stupid, and that’s her line in the sand.

On the way of out of the classroom, Puck tries again to get Artie to help him spike the punch at the prom.

“I’m in,” Artie says. “Nothing to live for.”

Now, there were many great scenes in this episode, and some wonderful dialogue, but the next scene was my absolute favorite. I’d love to wallow in it for a few hours. In fact, I would like a whole spin-off based on it.

It’s Blaine just hanging out all casual-like at Kurt’s house, something Finn and Burt take so casually I can only conclude it happens all the time. This makes me deleriously happy.

Kurt models his prom outfit for them all, a custom-made formal jacket and kilt — custom-made by Kurt, that is.

Finn’s impressed. “Dude, that rocks!” he says. “It’s like gay Braveheart.”

Burt’s not a fan; he says Kurt’s going to attract attention in a negative sense, and things like that are like lighting “a match under the fire of their hate.” And Blaine agrees, saying they don’t want to give anyone an excuse to cause trouble.

At which point Kurt goes all righteous on them and says he’ll be wearing the suit to prom and if Blaine doesn’t like, he doesn’t have to come. You go.

The fabulousness of Kurt doesn’t end there. The next day, Karofsky is escorting Kurt to French class, and Kurt gently suggests that maybe the security isn’t needed; “I’m not saying everyone in this school has embraced the day, but maybe they’ve evolved to being indifferent.”

Karofsky tells Kurt he’s dreaming. But Kurt persists, and tells Dave that it was easy to hate him when he was bullying Kurt before, but now all he sees is his pain. He calls him “Dave,” too, which touches me a lot.

Dave breaks down crying, and says he’s so sorry for what he did to Kurt. “I know, I know, ” Kurt says, and then Dave goes all tough-guy again and says, “Cool. Thanks..” Then more intensely, “Wait for me here, right?”

Max Adler’s handling of this role has been great throughout, but this has to be one of his best scenes. I at first assumed Karofsky was just assuaging his guilt by over-protecting Kurt, but given what happens later, I think maybe Dave knew that the hostility toward Kurt hadn’t weakened at all — just gone underground.

Finn picks Quinn up for the prom, and she’s perfect in her pale blue dress and Grace Kelly chignon. Finn is blown away by her, and tells her she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen.

Jesse and Sam have joined Rachel and Mercedes at Breadstix, and we learn that Jesse has flunked out of college and in general become a total loser. I never liked Jesse, but I don’t remember him being this dumb. He says he’s going to start a consulting business for show choirs. when Mercedes points out there aren’t enough of them to build a business around, Rachel gushes, “He’s so smart! I can’t believe he flunked out of college.”

Finn and Quinn show up, and Finn spars with Jesse, clearly still protective of Rachel. Mercedes breaks them up, and then we’re at the prom, where Puck, Artie and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s “Friday,” the terrible YouTube sensation that actually sounds kind of fun the way the Glee boys sing it.

Rachel sings Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts,” and it’s interesting — the lyrics sound like they’re about Jesse, but her eyes are fixed longingly on Finn, who gazes back, not unnoticed by Quinn. And Jesse? He never takes his eyes off Rachel.

Kurt and Blaine are watching from the sidelines, and Kurt comments that it’s great the prom is so inclusive this year, referring to Becky Jackson dancing with her date. Then the camera moves to Santana and Dave, as Kurt says, “Even if it’s a lie.”

And Sam goes up to Mercedes and tells her she’s beautiful and asks her to dance. I with I knew if this was a pity thing or not — Mercedes deserves better than that.

Puck and Artie’s plan to spike the punch fails, of course, and Sue drags Artie off to her office and threatens to torture him with dentistry to get him to implicate Puck. Artie tells her tall he wants is to dance one dance with Brittany, and Sue is disgusted. “You’re the worst POW ever. John McCain is rolling over in his grave.”

Blaine sings the Black Kids‘ “I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You,” which is pretty cute, especially with Tina and Brittany’s awesome backup.

But Finn doesn’t like how Jesse is dancing with Rachel, and the two guys come to blows over it on the dance floor. Becky comes in and interrupts Sue’s dental torture, and she expels the two boys from the dance.

Quinn joins the rest of the prom queen nominees on the stage, but she stares balefully at Rachel as she goes. She loses, though — because Kurt “wins” due to a write-in campaign.

Kurt runs out of the gym really sobbing —I mean, serious ugly crying, not some romantic little tear gliding down his cheek. He says that he and Blaine were stupid to think anything had changed.

“It’s just a stupid joke,” Blaine says.

“No, it’s not,” Kurt tells him. “All that hate, they were just afraid to say it out loud. So they did it by secret ballot.”

Scenes of Kurt and Blaine in the hallway are intercut with two others — Quinn blaming Rachel for her loss, and slapping her heard in the ladies’ room, then immediately apologizing, and Brittany listening to Santana rant about losing as prom queen.

Brittany at first has little sympathy for Santana, who is hysterical; she tells her it’s just a crown you can buy at any party store.

“I’ve been an outsider my whole life,” Santana says. “Can’t I just have one night when I’m queen? When I’m accepted?”

Then we cut to Kurt: “I’m not going back in there.”

Then Quinn: “I’m going to transfer.”

Back to Santana, who says when they get to Regionals in New York, she’s “bailing to live in a lesbian colony. Or Tribeca.”

Back in the hallway, Blaine is sitting on the floor slumped against the lockers while Kurt paces angrily. “Wasn’t this prom supposed to be about redemption?” he asks.

“What are you going to do?” Blaine asks in return.

“I’m going to go back in there and get coronated,” Kurt says with sudden determination. “I’m going to show them that it doesn’t matter if they are yelling at me, or whispering behind my back; they can’t touch me. They can’t touch us. Or what we have.” And he drops to his knees in front of Blaine.

In the restroom, Rachel tells Quinn, “I’d expect to be upset over being hit in the face, but I can appreciate the drama of it.”

A defeated Quinn tells her that Rachel may think she has it tough, but at least she isn’t always afraid. Rachel asks what Quinn is afraid of.

“The future,” she says, and takes a tissue from Rachel. “When this is gone,” she adds, gesturing at her own face.

“You’re a very pretty girl, Quinn,” Rachel tells her. “The prettiest girl I’ve ever met. But you’re a lot more than that.” And she tenderly wipes Quinn’s face.

Santana is storming around in front of Brittany, and says she must have lost because they sensed she was a lesbian. “Do I smell like a golf course?”

But Brittany says it’s not that. “They don’t know what you’re hiding; they just know you’re not being yourself. If you had embraced all the awesomeness that you are, you would have won.”

“How do you know?” Santana says, crying.

“Because I voted for you,” Brittany says, stepping close. “And because I believe in you, Santana.”

“This prom sucks,” Santana says. “Now what am I supposed to do?”

“Go back out there and be there for Kurt,” Brittany says. “This is a lot harder for him than it is for you.” And she hands her a tissue, which fades to Blaine handing a tissue to Kurt, then giving him a hand to help him up. There is so much on Kurt’s face here…

We have a quick interlude with Sue, who finds out Artie was “spiking” the punch with lemonade. I really have no idea what this whole arc was about.

The prom crowd is starkly still when Kurt walks back in. When the crown is placed on his head, however, he is silent for a minute, then smiles and flirts a little, saying, “Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!”

The crowd goes wild applauding him, and Santana and Brittany start singing “Dancing Queen.”

The prom queen and king are supposed to dance, but Dave runs out of the gym, leaving Kurt alone in the spotlight. But Blaine is suddenly there, hand out, and he says, “May I have this dance?” And he and Kurt start dancing, and it’s so sweet and lovely. Everyone is dancing and bouncing with happiness, and we get flashes of what they’re doing during the song, and their prom pictures (including Kurt and Blaine and also, disconcertingly, Brittany and Artie).

So everyone’s full of joy — except for Dave Karofsky.

And now for your #gaysharks.

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