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“Grey’s Anatomy” recap: Episode 7.20 – “White Wedding”

First, a big thank you to Dara Nai for covering for me last week. Your comments indicate that you greatly enjoyed her recap and didn’t miss me at all.

Welcome to the highly anticipated Grey’s Anatomy “White Wedding” episode (aka “Calzona is finally getting hitched!” aka “I really wish I was invited to this wedding and that this show wasn’t make-believe”).

The episode starts off at Meredith’s dinner table. Derek discusses his excitement about his Alzheimer’s clinical trial and Alex stares at Meredith, giving her a knowing look that says, “I know you switched Adele Webber’s Alzheimer’s placebo drugs for an active drug” with only his eyes. Alex is truly a method actor.

Then we join the Calzona-Sloane family (already in progress) as they sit down to celebrate Callie and Arizona’s upcoming nuptials. Mark clinks his glass to make a toast and Arizona’s father (who insists on being referred to as “The Colonel”) shouts out, “Why is the sperm donor here? I thought tonight was a family dinner.” Arizona hushes her dad but, come on, who hasn’t heard that exact sentence yelled out at a family function? Anyone? Bueller?

Mark ignores the heckling crowd (even though I flashed him the red light five minutes ago) and continues to toast “the mothers of my child.” They all dig in and Callie abruptly stops them so they can say grace and appease Callie’s religious mother. This family needs a spin-off! Mark gnaws on a breadstick as Callie’s mother gives the blessing. (Hey Mark, you’re not really making the best impression here. Spit out the breadstick, jackass!)

Little Sofia cries so Callie jumps up to get her. When a smiling Callie returns with the baby in her arms Arizona’s mother runs over to hold Sofia, while Callie’s mother won’t touch or acknowledge the child. Callie’s mother says she doesn’t want to hold the baby because she’s still eating. To be fair, if you were really hungry would you rather hold a fork in your hand or a baby? (That’s a trick question for Hannibal Lecter.)

At Seattle Grace, Alex gives a presentation to the entire staff on the medical status of the African children who were transferred to the hospital last episode. While Alex speaks, the remaining Residents bicker about who wants the Chief Resident position the most. Alex finishes up his speech with a “humble” thank you to the staff, who applaud his work. Avery crosses his arms and refuses to make noise with his phalanges.

Derek and Alex check in on a little crying orphan girl named Zola who has spina bifida. Derek holds Zola and she immediately stops crying. They don’t call him McDreamy for nothing!

Teddy and Arizona have a young patient with a rare heart condition whose heart is literally visibly pumping out from his chest. I hate when that happens.

Cristina’s eyes widen and she begins to drool like Pavlov’s dog. She wants in on this surgery, so she tracks down Owen (who is working with a patient who I’m sure doesn’t want to hear Cristina’s problems) for counsel. Cristina pleads that she need advice on how to get back in Teddy’s good graces. Owen tells Cristina that she needs to apologize to Teddy, but stubborn Cristina quips, “Apologize for what? For having better judgment than Teddy? For saving Callie’s life? There is a wedding tomorrow because of me!” Owen’s patient pipes in, “Your apology could use some work.” Back off, dude, you don’t want to mess with Cristina Yang!

Owen, Stark and April are tending to a young girl with AIDS who doesn’t speak English. April tries to communicate with the girl by speaking in the girl’s native tongue and a scorned Stark scolds April in front of Owen for practicing her dialects instead of being an efficient doctor.

Cristina joins up with Teddy in the elevator and, after an awkward pause, she gives him the most insincere apology I’ve ever heard. Teddy calls her out and asks if Cristina really means her apology or if she just wants to get back on her service. Cristina responds, “Does it really matter?” Teddy and I both agree that “Yes, it matters.” Cristina really does need to work on her apologies.

Back at the Calzona camp, the families gather together to do a run through of the wedding service. Callie’s mother groans at the idea of a minister performing the service instead of a Catholic priest but Callie reassures her mother that the service will be held in an old and drafty churchy church. (Callie’s mom should be happy because a churchy church is better than being married in a chapel made of ice or inside a 120,000-gallon shark tank.)

Mark storms in (why don’t Callie and Arizona ever lock their front door?) and asks where he should stand during the service. The Colonel looks pissed that the “sperm donor” has once again crashed the family party. To ease the tension, Callie’s father tells Mark that he can stand by him. Mark stands next to Callie’s dad and whispers, “At least one of my fathers-in-law likes me.” Callie’s dad responds, “You’re Sofia’s father, I love Sofia so I’m at least going to try and like you. But if you call me your father-in-law again I’ll knock you out.” (Mark, the red light is flashing, get off the stage before they start throwing tomatoes at you!)

Quiet everyone, the wedding rehearsal has begun! Arizona walks down the aisle with her father, then Callie and her father walk down the aisle.

Callie pretends baby Sofia is her bouquet of flowers and tries to pass her off to her mother. Callie’s mother looks at Sofia like she’s a leper and races off to the powder room to escape from holding her granddaughter. Callie’s dad saves the day again and lovingly takes Sofia from Callie’s arms.

Back at Seattle Grace, Teddy asks Owen to give her 20 reasons why she shouldn’t put Cristina back on her surgical team. (Don’t do it Owen! If you start complaining about your wife, her ears will ring and then she’ll hunt you down and kill you. That’s a scientific fact!) Owen tells Teddy that she should put Cristina back on her team but Teddy explains that she wants Cristina to learn a lesson. Teddy is willing to play the bad guy until Cristina learns that lesson. If Teddy is playing the bad guy, can I play the bad guy’s girlfriend? Unless that role requires me to wear a bikini because that ain’t happening. Unless it’s for a Dance Magic reunion.

Alex confronts Meredith about her suspicious behavior around the Alzheimer’s clinical trial. Meredith says she didn’t do anything wrong and that Alex should shut up and leave her alone. Alex scolds Meredith and insists that whatever she did was illegal. Meredith should listen to Alex because he is the king of doing unethical things like dating an amnesia patient (Rebecca Pope), asking a patient for money so he can advance his medical career (Doris Roberts) and giving half of the staff syphilis back in Season One.

Stark has been picking on April all day so she confronts him for not treating her like every other resident. Does she not realize that Stark is a jerk that treats everyone like crap? Therefore he is treating her like every other resident. April looks around for a time machine to take her back to that night when she turned down Stark. Come on Shonda, April and Stark are eventually going to date anyway, right? Why delay the inevitable? Stark and April’s pagers interrupt their professional lover’s spat and they go racing off to their patient who is vomiting blood. Now I’m not doctor, but that can’t be healthy.

Arizona and Callie sit on the end of their bed and talk about how they can’t wait until their parents leave town so they can have their life return to normal. Arizona reminds Callie that the most important thing is that they are getting married tomorrow. Callie kisses Arizona’s hand and they giggle.

Which answers the urban legend or folklore: Do lesbians indeed giggle? Shonda Rhimes thinks we do. I bet Cristina and Owen didn’t giggle the night before they got married. But, wait, I do remember Cristina and Burke giggling when they got engaged. Remember? Cristina accepted Burke’s marriage proposal but she refused to wear the engagement ring and Burke picked her up and swung her around in their apartment like the Six Flags Swing Carousel. And since lesbians do giggle, doesn’t that mean that Cristina Yang is a lesbian? Am I stretching here?

Teddy and Arizona chitchat on a quick coffee break about the big day. Arizona says she’s not nervous because her Colonel has scheduled every moment of the day out so all she has to do is show up. How romantic. I bet a lot of straight guys just “show up” for their weddings, too. Teddy checks her phone and giggles at the message.

I see a giggling pattern here. What does this all mean? Is Teddy a lesbian too? Or do the Grey‘s writers giggle themselves and are therefore projecting? So many unimportant questions, so little time.

Anyway, Teddy giggled at her message and Arizona asks if the message is from Teddy’s fake husband or her secret boyfriend. Teddy clarifies that her giggling is due to the messages the grief counsel Andrew (who is not her boyfriend) is sending her. Andrew is just her wedding date and will be leaving town soon so she’s just enjoying his company and genitals. 

A giddy Callie surprises her mother by showing off a replica wedding veil she had made to look just her mother’s wedding veil. Callie’s mother looks at the veil and is uninterested. Callie is frustrated because she has bent over backwards to make her mother happy and has even agreed to have a church wedding specifically to make her mother happy. Callie’s mother snaps back, “Don’t you dare imply that there is anything about a wedding to a woman or a baby out of wedlock that’s for me.”

Callie: Wow, OK. So what bothers you more my bastard child or my lesbian fiancĂ©? You’re a lawyer, Mom. You’re out in the world, you know other gay people, your secretary is gay. [Callie begins to tear up.] I’m your daughter!

Callie’s mom: Do you know how devastating it is, to raise a child, to love a child and know you won’t see that child in heaven?

Callie: Mom –

Callie’s mom: You are not a bride and I am not the mother of a bride. This isn’t your wedding. It isn’t right, I’m sorry. I can’t be here, I just can’t.

Callie’s mom walks off leaving Callie looking devastated and really cute in that veil.

Callie’s dad apologizes for his wife’s behavior and Callie tells her dad that he needs to go too. Callie’s dad wants to stay and attend the wedding but Callie insists that he needs to leave or else she’ll start to cry. I think Callie’s dad should stay and walk her down the aisle and be a part of her special day. Callie’s mom might regret missing her daughter’s wedding for the rest of her life, but her father shouldn’t have that same regret, especially since he loves and supports his daughter.

Meredith joins Alex for breakfast but Alex won’t talk to her. Alex says he’s just keeping quiet like Meredith told him to earlier and that he knows the truth will come out about Meredith switching Adele’s placebo medication. Alex lectures Meredith, telling her that switching the drugs out during the trial can and will destroy the credibility of all the doctors and hospital. Derek walks in and busts up the party, so Meredith and Alex quickly clam up.

As Callie preps for her wedding day Mark comes to delivers some bad news.

The minister who is supposed to be performing Calzona’s wedding ceremony has just cancelled because he got a great deal on tickets from Groupon that he couldn’t pass up his wife had an accident and is at the hospital. (If I were Callie, I’d ask for a second opinion because if that woman is not in critical condition the minister should be at the churchy church.) Mark says not to worry that he will find a backup minister but Callie tells him to just forget it, she’s just not going to get married. Then Callie walks into the bedroom and closes the door. Wait, what? Does Arizona have a say in the wedding status? Why does Mark know that the wedding is cancelled before Arizona does?

Derek pages Meredith and hands her baby Zola to hold while he gives her a neuro exam. An impatient Meredith wants to know why she was paged and then Derek drops a bombshell. He says, “Let’s adopt this baby.” Wait, what just happened? Meredith looks as stunned as I am.

I thought this was the “wedding episode” not the “we just found a baby and we’re going to adopt it episode.”  Is Grey’s trying to challenge the 90-minute Gaga Glee spectacular episode by throwing in random surprises? Wait, what if Gaga showed up and performed at Calzona’s wedding? But I must advise against “Bad Romance.”

Bailey stops by to see Callie, who’s crying on the floor of her apartment. Callie says, “I know why they sent you and it doesn’t matter what you say, the wedding is still off. My mom’s right, it’s a joke. It’s not a wedding. It’s not happening.” (Why is Callie giving up so easily? You are marrying Jessica Capshaw! You’d be a fool to pass that up even if it is a fictitious relationship! And why isn’t Arizona having these conversations with Callie?)

Callie’s pity party continues, “I can’t have a priest, I no longer have a minister. I’m not being given away by my Dad [Note: Callie, that’s your fault because you told your Dad to leave!] The wedding isn’t even legal. What’s the point? This isn’t a wedding, it’s not even in a church, it is nothing. It’s a couple of girls playing dress up. It’s not real, it’s not real.” Callie wouldn’t waiver on having a child but as soon as there is one misstep on her wedding day she throw it all away.

Bailey tells her:

First of all, you do not need the law or a priest or your mother to make your wedding real. The church can be anywhere you want it to be in a field on a mountain, right here in this room, anywhere. Because where do you think God is? He’s in you. He’s in me. Right here in the middle of us. Your church just hasn’t caught up to God yet. Your mother hasn’t caught up to God yet and, by the way, she may never catch up but it’s ok. It’s ok. If you are willing to stand up in front of your friends and family and God and commit yourself to another human being. To give yourself in that kind of partnership in better or worse in sickness and in health, honey, that is a marriage. That is real and that’s all that matters. Besides, I got legally married to a man in a church. Look how well that turned out.

Bailey laughs, then giggles (does that mean she’s bi?) and Callie smiles, which I guess means that the wedding is back on. I wonder if Arizona even knew the wedding was temporarily cancelled. Maybe Callie will catch her up to speed on their wedding night.

Teddy, Lexie and Cristina operate on external heart kid. Cristina stands aside and has to assist Lexie, which really chaps Cristina’s ass. Teddy goes in blind while operating and looks to Cristina as if to say “Booyah, look how awesome I am!” (Teddy is also a method actor) then Teddy looks to Lexie and asks if she wants to tie off when she’s finished operating. And, boy oh boy, does she ever!

Stark pulls Owen aside and recommends April for the Chief Resident position. Starks stresses that he very rarely give positive reviews but the hospital would be lucky to April as the Chief Resident.

Mark knocks on Arizona’s bedroom door and since she doesn’t immediately answer that means he can just let himself in. Seriously ladies, lock your doors! Arizona emerges from the bathroom with tears streaking down her face. Mark asks if she’s all right (no, jackass!) and Arizona responds, “No. When I came out to my brother, he asked me if that meant am I going to marry a chick and when I said “Yes” he had this big smile and he said, ‘I’m going to dance so hard at your wedding.’ My dreams are coming true. Dreams I didn’t even know that I had, but my brother’s not here. He’s missing it.”

Arizona continues, “I need a minute to miss my brother.” Mark hugs and consoles Arizona and I want him to keep his hands off her.

Meredith and Derek look over the adoption paperwork, which they find overwhelming. I’m glad it’s overwhelming, adopting a baby is a big deal, what did you expect? (Angelina Jolie makes it look easy, but she’s an A-list and you’re just TV actors.)

Derek looks over the long list of “must-dos to adopt a sick orphan baby.” There is one thing that they can cross off on their adoption list that very day. Meredith looks at the list and realizes that Derek is referring to something she claims she doesn’t want to do, so Derek says they need to do it for the baby’s sake. Then the elevator doors open up on the Seattle Municipal courthouse and Derek and Meredith head in to get married. Does this mean their post-it note marriage is annulled?

Does anyone else find Derek and Meredith’s impromptu wedding to be a slap in the face to Callie and Arizona? No other characters were married on Cristina and Owen’s wedding day or on the day Callie eloped with George in Vegas. I miss George, and George would have hated Mark and he would have really hated that Mark and Callie had a baby together, but let’s face it, if George were Callie’s sperm donor, the baby would have been short and stout like a little tea pot. Now I’m thirsty for some green tea. What was I talking about?

Bailey, clad in purple, walks down a beautiful outdoor wedding aisle nervously wringing her hands because she’s performing Callie and Arizona’s wedding service. Minister Miranda Bailey, M.D. does have a nice ring to it. Arizona glides down the aisle in a strapless cream-colored sweetheart cut gown with a hippie headpiece escorted by The Colonel, who kisses his daughter on the cheek. 

Then Callie turns the corner wearing a stark white gown with sparkly off the shoulder sleeves that reach the middle of her forearm and her flowy wedding veil and her baby daddy, Mark, in tow.

Ladies, your dress colors are going to clash in the wedding photos! A gay man should have dressed these two.

Mark gives Callie away to Arizona. Does anyone else think that is weird and inappropriate? Just me? OK.

Cut to Meredith and Derek, who are simultaneously getting married, which we see in a montage of the two weddings. As Calzona has a magical and romantic wedding ceremony, Derek and Meredith’s have a sterile legal wedding ceremony. Derek and Meredith don’t even have rings so they are told they can skip that part of the ceremony, but then it cuts back to Arizona and Callie exchanging rings as Arizona tells Callie she loves her and I start to cry like a baby. Seriously, why can’t this couple be real? And why can’t they be my best friends? Arizona and Callie end their service with a beautiful and perfect kiss while Derek and Meredith finalize their union by signing paperwork.

I know whose wedding I’d rather have attended.

At Calzona’s reception, April races around taking photos of the happy couple while the other residents talk about their chances for being the Chief Resident. 

A pissed off Cristina is annoyed that she’s not kicking everyone’s ass, so she storms off. The Chief approaches Cristina and says that he always thought Cristina would be the frontrunner for Chief Resident position but it could be anyone’s job. Cristina is worried that her medical future is slipping away, so she confronts Teddy and yells at her. (Yep, that’s going to make everything better.) Cristina tells Teddy that she knows that Teddy is threaten by Cristina’s talent and that Teddy’s fragile ego is getting in the way of Cristina’s chances for being Chief Resident.

Cristina sounds like one of those high school girls who says she has no female friends because she’s so pretty and all the other girls are jealous of her beauty. Guess what, Cristina, Those girls are friendless because they are boring bitches! Although, Cristina is not boring and I find her bitchiness to be quite entertaining and even charming. So forget my analogy.

Teddy tells Cristina that she still doesn’t get it and walks off to her date, Andrew, then downs a glass of champagne. Andrew tells Teddy that he has a proposition for her. He has taken a job in Germany and he wants her to go with him and start a life with him. This episode is full of surprises. As the wedding toasts begin, Katherine Heigl emerges from the cake and begs for her job back. OK, that didn’t happen, but if it did, it wouldn’t shock me.

It’s that time of the night where the father of the bride dances with his daughter. Arizona dances with The Colonel and Callie dances with Mark. Derek and Meredith stop back at the hospital to check on Zola and never make it to Calzona’s wedding. Hey Meredith, if you guys aren’t using your wedding tickets can I have them?

In the middle of the father daughter dance Callie’s father appears and asks Mark if he can cut in. Callie’s begins to tear up and her father explains that he’s been waiting to dance with Callie on her wedding day since she was a little girl and he didn’t want to miss that moment.

Other wedding guests fill the dance floor (which means they can’t follow basic instructions, since this is a “father-daughter” dance) and we see the wedding cake with the two brides on top. See how their dresses clash?

Congratulations to Callie Torres and Arizona Robbins! May you have a long and happy fictitious life together until one of you leaves the show or Shonda kills you off. Cheers!

What did you think of the Calzona wedding? And most importantly, did you like their wedding dresses?

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