THIS WEEK’S RAP SHEET:
The rule-maker: Helen lays down the law and then adheres to every letter of it.
The rule-breaker: Zandra is just a victim of circumstance.
The rascal: Shell gets a phone and gets up to no good.
A reminder – Hey, remember the last few episodes? Remember when Nikki and Helen kissed? And then when Sean burned his wedding suit on the Larkhall lawn because Helen said she didn’t want to marry him? Yeah, good times.
So this is the next season, but I don’t know how much time has passed at the prison. But it doesn’t really matter whether it’s an hour or a year: Nikki is still peering out the window of her cell, waiting for Helen to arrive. Sadly, Miss Stewart is nowhere to be seen.
Nikki does a great wistful, mooning look. She’s always sighing and wearing her pain on her face, and on her, that’s adorable.
My eyes, my eyes! – Dominic makes his way to the gov’s office. But who is that behind the desk? It’s not the stunning Miss Stewart; it’s that loathsome Jim. Is he really the wing governor now? He seems to be fond of his role already. He’s wearing a suit and strutting his stuff. I know I just said he was sitting at a desk, but if anyone can strut while sitting, it’s Fenner.
Governing Governor Simon Stubberfield (that looks like a cartoon character’s name) stops by to give Fenner some news about Helen. She’s due back from “sick leave,” but Simon thinks she’s gone AWOL.
Sick leave. Hmm. Sick of suppressing her attraction to Nikki? Sick of pretending to be straight? Sick of facing Fenner’s foul mug every day? I know I’m sick of his feigned concern for Helen.
Fenner: It’s a shame. I feel sorry for her. This job’s tough enough without problems on the home front.
You should know, Jim. Your wife must be a drunkard or a dimwit if she’s tolerating you.
Simon promises to get Jim a promotion just as soon as he possibly can. Fenner’s lips quirk into a half-smile, but on him, a quirk is more like a queer – as in, I see it, and I become even more queer.
Speaking of the home front – Fenner calls his wife, Marilyn. She looks sane enough. Inconceivable!
As Jim asks Marilyn whether she’d like to go out for a steak to celebrate his imminent promotion, Marilyn examines a letter that has just arrived. Remember Shell’s little epistolary moment in the last episode? Her bilious words are about to hit the fan. But not immediately – this is still a soap opera, after all. First we have to go back to Larkhall.
A different kind of grimace – Zandra’s face is almost always squinched in pain or fury, but this time she’s not jonesing for something; she’s giving birth. Crystal tells her to do her breathing while Denny does some breathing of her own, exhaling smoke all over the pregnant lady.
In the wing office, the alarm for the four-bed dorm lights up. Officer Hollamby says she’s not going to jump just because some “silly kids” tell her to.
Dominic: One of them’s pregnant. Don’t want another miscarriage, do we?
Dominic rushes to the rescue; Hollamby sort of saunters along behind him. The woman moves like a slab of suet. By the time they get to the cell, Zandra’s water has broken. Imagine having a baby in prison – worse yet, with Hollamby as your nurse. Not the best start for a little one.
Shell’s cell – Fenner, still in his ill-fitting pin-striped suit, swings by Shell’s cell to gloat about his upwardly mobile career.
Fenner: Who knows? We could be having late-night sessions in my new office. Maybe even a little bottle of wine, eh?
Shell: Ooh, please.
Fenner: If you don’t rock the boat.
As they stroll out of Shell’s cell, Nikki shows up and bumps right into Shell.
Nikki: Watch where you’re goin’, Dockley.
Shell: Awww. Still got the glums ’cause your little gov is gone, have ya? Shame she ain’t comin’ back, i’n’t it?
Nikki just sighs. C’mon, Nik, pull her hair! Or do something interesting – anything! This episode is a snooze so far.
Off to hospital – Dominic and Hollamby escort Zandra to a cab. Hollamby offers her usual brand of advice that feels more like accusation:
Hollamby: Just get in the car. And keep your legs together.
Zandra confesses that she’s scared, but Dominic tells her she’ll soon be safe. You’re a good guy, Dominic.
Inside, Crystal and the two Julies discuss Zandra’s situation.
Julie S.: Who’s Zandra got on escort with her?
Crystal: Mr. McAllister and ol’ Bodybag.
Julie S.: Bodybag?!
Julie J.: Oh, God! Poor Zandra.
Julie S.: Christ! Who’d want to go through labor with that ol’ cow by your bedside?
The two Julies say they’ll keep their fingers crossed, but Crystal tells them to put their hands together in prayer instead.
Julie S.: [after Crystal leaves] Gosh. She’s all right, that Crystal, but she don’t half bang a tambourine.
That just about sums up Crystal. And I love that “not half” expression. There’s no good equivalent in the U.S. – I don’t half wish there were.
Yvonne emerges from a cell door behind the Julies. Yvonne! I’ve missed you! Almost as much as Nikki has missed Helen. Nah, probably not quite. Yvonne asks the Julies whether they’d like to earn a little extra money. Who would say no to badass Yvonne with her killer leather jacket and ridiculous eyeliner?
The hospital – Dominic offers to go out into the hall to give Zandra some privacy. But Zandra doesn’t want him to go; she’d rather be rid of Hollamby. So would the nurse – she’s none too pleased when Hollamby refuses to remove Zandra’s handcuffs because Zandra is a “security risk.” Hollamby relents after Dominic scolds her. Dom, you’re such a sweetie.
Zandra is also a sweetie – or is at least a sympathetic character. She looks so fragile as she gets herself into the hospital bed. And it’s so sad when she insists that Robin (the absentee father) be there for the birth. But then I get kinda proud of her when the nurse asks about her track marks and she says, “They’re old marks.”
A long, egocentric day – As Fenner gets ready to go home for the day, he discovers a lipstick in one of the desk drawers. He sneers in that special Fenner way as he tosses it out. And that’s the end of that scene. But I’m glad we’re getting only glimpses of his smarminess. That’s more than enough.
Yvonne’s cell – Yvonne is inspecting the windowsill. It seems the Julies have tidied up her cell. She approves of what they’ve done and asks whether they’d like to make money on a regular basis. I love the way she’s sauntering around and looking all gangstery as she conducts her business.
Julie S.: Oh, yeah, we’d be up for that, wouldn’t we, Ju?
Julie J.: Kickin’!
There’s another great expression. Soon I’ll be not half kickin’ it like a Julie! Um. I’m confusing myself.
The Julies offer to do washing and ironing, but what Yvonne really wants is a set of curtains.
Yvonne: And I’d love something soft to put me feet on first thing.
That doesn’t look like it could be a sexy line (especially because I don’t like feet), but it kinda was. Yvonne knows how to cajole.
Stubberfield’s office – Stubberfield is hiring someone. No, not Fenner. Someone named Karen Betts, a whiskey-voiced blonde with an ability to see right through things and smile anyway. Smile with rather yellow teeth, actually. But her generally badass demeanor makes up for that.
Oh, but maybe she’s not as cool and savvy as she looks. When Jim joins the meeting, he and Karen trade significant glances. Apparently they met at a “conference.” Ew. As Jim grins disgustingly, Karen puts him in his place.
Karen: You’ve put on weight, Jim.
Yeah. Mostly around the vicinity of his ego.
The hospital – Zandra is writhing in pain again. But when Dominic interrupts, she gives him a cartoonish little “Whu?” sound that’s just adorable. He says the police have tried to contact her boyfriend but have nothing yet. He starts to express his sympathy, but Hollamby interrupts and tells him to go get them some tea. She also tells the nurse that it has only made Zandra more upset to be reminded of her boyfriend.
Hollamby: But don’t listen to me.
OK. We won’t.
The Fenner residence – Mrs. Fenner is not happy. She has the letter from Shell – actually, more than one. She says she thought the first one was just a sick joke, but the latest missive has concerned her. It says: “Dear Mrs. Fenner, Your husband is still shagging that killer bitch Shell Dockley. Don’t you care? Yours truely, A friend.”
A friend in need of a spell-checker is a friend indeed. And Fenner is suitably shocked. You can just about see the wheels of deception churning in his forehead: “How do I cover my ass this time?”
Another teeny tiny scene – The two Julies steal the old carpet from Stubberfield’s office. (He’s just had the carpet replaced.) It’s probably not too difficult to convince the Julies to go on a little caper, but I think even the Dalai Lama might rummage through trash bins for Yvonne.
Still laboring – The baby is almost here. Robin arrives just in time to witness the last of the pushing.
Zan: Robin!
Robin: Zan!
Yeah, it’s a little melodramatic. But the gushing sound of the baby being born is not melodramatic; it’s just gross. Dominic and Robin grin at the miracle, and even Hollamby wipes away invisible tears.
Fennerian logic – Marilyn asks Jim to explain the accusatory letters. He turns it around on her and yells at her for not trusting him.
Marilyn: Of course I trust you.
Fenner: Well, you better had, or you’d be a total idiot.
But obviously she is a total idiot; how else could she be married to him? Fenner promises to “nail the vicious little bitch” who’s trying to wreck their domestic bliss. Gee, I wonder what “nail” means where Shell’s concerned?
The hospital – Robin gives Zandra some flowers. What a great father. She says her baby is in an incubator and is undergoing some tests but is fine.
Zandra: I’ve been calling him little Robbie.
Robin: Robert – it’s a good name.
Zandra: Robbie short for Robert?
Robin: Yeah. We can’t call him Robin. Think of all the Batman jokes.
Yawn. This guy is about as appealing as Sean. Why are the men on this show (with the exception of Dominic) such a waste of space?
Robin reveals that he didn’t get married after all and is studying woodworking. Yeah, fine; whisk Zandra off to a happy little home. That’ll never work.
The boss is back in town – Fenner storms into his office. But this office is just full of surprises lately. There’s a lipstick and various other personal effects on the desk.
Fenner: What the hell?
Helen: [making a dramatic entrance while his back is to the door] Morning, Jim.
Oh, Miss Stewart. You enjoyed that a little too much. But forget that: Why do you look so fabulous? Is it just that I’ve missed you these 16 minutes of the episode so far? Something seems different, and it’s not just your hair. I guess your love for Nikki is making you glow.
They sit right down to chat.
Fenner: Obviously I didn’t expect to find you here.
Helen: Obviously.
Fenner: We were beginning to wonder if you’d had enough of us.
Helen: On the contrary. My flight back was canceled.
Fenner: Honey, we didn’t know what to think, did we?
Honey? Did he just call her honey?
Helen asks Jim to call the officers together for a meeting. He says they’ll have to wait till Dominic and Sylvia get back. As Fenner stands up to go, Helen pulls open the top desk drawer – the one that housed her lipstick – and hands Jim a pack of cigarettes.
Helen: I take it these are yours?
And then she delivers the final insult:
Helen: Nice suit.
As you will discover if you spend any time with Bad Girls websites, Helen’s pronunciation of “soooot” is legendary. And what’s even better is the way she sucks her teeth just before she says it.
I didn’t watch that eight times just now. Not me.
The hospital – Little Robbie has to be in special care for a while; he’s not doing well with the withdrawal.
Robin: He’s withdrawing from drugs?!
Zandra: No. He can’t be.
Aw, Zan. You’re such a sad case. And I don’t mean pathetic; I mean you make me sad.
Larkhall – Oh, the dining area! I think this is the first time we’ve seen it in this episode. What would this show be without its mealtime queues?
Helen steps quietly onto the wing. A rumble goes through the gaggle of inmates as they register her return. Nikki takes a long look, of course, and can barely contain her glee. I think she gives Helen a little lecherous, up-and-down look, but I can’t be sure because the camera is focused on Shell’s scowl.
Nikki: Looks like Fenner’s been telling you fibs, Dockley.
Yvonne: [leaning back as Helen walks by] Who needs men, eh, Miss?
Helen doesn’t respond; she just proceeds to make a speech. She gives them good news about Zandra’s baby boy. As Helen begins to take her leave, Nikki catches up with her.
Nikki: Miss Stewart.
Helen: Not now.
Nikki: I need to talk to you, Miss.
Helen: When I’m ready.
As she goes back to her table, Nikki has a look of delight on her face and a spring in her step, as if she’s thinking, “She said when, not never!”
Elsewhere, Shell asks Fenner why Helen’s back. He says he was misinformed. Yeah, and misguided and misogynist and miserable. He tells Shell about the letters someone has been sending to Marilyn.
Fenner: They’re on prison-issue paper.
Shell: But who – who’d do that, Jim?
Fenner: Oh, you really can’t think? It’s obvious, isn’t it? Wade.
Shell: The evil lezzie bitch.
Oh, jeez. Two criminal – yet barely functioning – minds working in concert. Doom is inevitable.
A dressing-down from a poorly dressed windbag – Stubberfield wants to be reassured that Helen can take control now that she’s been outed. I mean, now that she’s been out of the office.
Helen: I’ve already been down onto the wing, and I’ve arranged a unit meeting for later. As far as my personal life is concerned, I’ve dealt with that matter.
Simon says Helen should consider herself officially warned, and she’ll have to work with Fenner, who will exchange his suit for a uniform but will still be at the same “grade” as Helen. It doesn’t matter what’s being graded, Simon. Fenner will never get anywhere near Miss Stewart’s level.
The final bit of news is the hiring of Karen Betts; she will be the new principal officer. Interesting – I think that used to be Jim’s job.
Helen: But I thought we just needed a replacement for Lorna Rose.
Stubberfield: What I need, Helen, is to know that you’ve got a strong team behind you.
Behind her, yes, and nipping at her heels and blocking her way. And clinging to her back like a barrel of monkeys.
Facing facts – As Zandra and Robin gaze down at their drug-addicted baby in his little incubator, Zandra swears she’ll never touch the stuff again. Why are hospital scenes always so maudlin? I don’t often feel like I’m watching a soap opera when I watch this show, but this particular story line is extremely soapy. I keep expecting Dominic to waltz in and proclaim: “I’m the real father! Hands off my son!”
Hollamby tells Zandra to say her goodbyes.
Zandra: [to Robin] They’ll put us on the mother-and-baby unit as soon as he can join me. It’s a drugs-free zone in there. I’ll have my own room, and he’ll have a cot. And there are plenty of nurses around, so he’ll be really well-looked after. And you will come visit us every fortnight, won’t you?
She says that last sentence as if she wants to add, “That is, unless you want me to rip your sideburns off right now – by reaching up through your nose and out your ears.” Robin gets the message and says yes, of course he’ll visit. Of course. I’ll believe it when I see it.
Helen’s office – Apparently Helen’s finally ready to talk to Nikki. And just look at that expression on Nikki’s face: as if she’s got the biggest secret in the world and can’t wait to share it with someone. You’re almost too obvious, Nik. Better dial it back a bit until you and Helen can get some private time in the potting shed.
As Nikki takes a seat, she tries to suppress a huge grin, but the only result is that she looks like she’s trying to suppress a huge grin.
Helen: I thought we’d better have a talk.
Nikki: I can’t believe you’re back here. I was beginning to think you’d walked. You must have been through hell.
Helen: I’m where I want to be now.
Nikki: Meaning not back with Sean?
Helen: Hardly.
Nikki: Couldn’t believe him turning up here like that. Had to mean you’d chucked him, though.
Helen: Nikki, I don’t wanna talk about Sean.
Nikki: Sure. But I’m not wrong about why you couldn’t marry him, am I?
Helen: Look, Sean and I were never gonna work out.
Nikki: Oh.
Helen: I knew that as soon as he moved in with me.
Nikki: So, nothing to do with what you felt for me. [sighing] Why can’t you tell me I mean something to you?
Helen: [not meeting Nikki’s eyes] Of course you mean something.
Nikki: Say that again.
And again and again and again! This is quite an intense scene; I’ve been holding my breath without realizing it and am even dizzier than I usually am when Miss Stewart’s around.
Helen: Look, it doesn’t matter what the hell I feel, Nikki. You’re a prisoner in my charge. I can’t take advantage of you.
Nikki: You wouldn’t be!
Helen: Look, while it’s my job to lock you up, there’s no way we can be equal, Nikki.
Nikki: Look, wait. I’m not saying any of it’s gonna be easy, but it’s not impossible, is it? Not if we both wanna try.
Helen: But that’s what I’m trying to say to you. I don’t wanna try and pretend that these aren’t the facts. Look, how can I do my job when I’m breaking my own rules? I’m sorry, Nikki, but there’s no way.
Nikki: Well, you obviously care more about your bloody career than you do about me. I must be mad. Of course I’m not worth risking your precious job for – not when you can nip down the garden center and pick up another boyfriend. ‘Cause that’s what you’d rather have, isn’t it, Helen? Then you won’t be breaking any rules.
Helen: I nearly didn’t come back to this. Look, my back is up against the wall. This is my last chance to do some good. I want you to help me, Nikki.
Nikki just nods defiantly, so Helen tells her to go. Helen has kept her face stern throughout most of this exchange, but there’s something very warm – and very sorry – in her eyes.
But, um, Helen? Did somebody forget to tell you that when you make the rules, you get to break them, too? My girlfriend was in charge of the attendance records at her old job. That’s awesome power – as is a private office and a set of keys when your girlfriend is behind bars.
If Helen is perpetually stern, Nikki is perpetually pissed off – understandably so. She’s serving time for protecting the one she loved, and now the one she loves is preferring security and stability over love. But I still say you might want to reign it in a bit, Nik – patience is not your strong suit. After all, if she really thinks she can “do some good,” that’s an important thing. It’s not like she’s preferring a desk job to the pleasure of your company.
Welcome back, Zandra – The two Julies and Crystal surround Zandra with questions. Zan bitterly reveals that her baby is detoxing. The Julies tell her the week without little Robbie will go by quickly.
Zandra: Guess what? I got Robin back as well.
Sheesh. What does she see in him? I don’t like guys who overenunciate. The Julies aren’t very thrilled either, though they pretend to be. Crystal, who has been glowering, finally gives Zan a hug.
A meal – Shell is grumbling to Denny about the Fenner thing. She doesn’t understand why Fenner’s wife hasn’t taken the bait. Denny suggests taking a photo while Fenner is “on the job.” Shell shoots the idea down, insulting Denny’s intelligence in the process. But then Shell seems to get an idea. We, the hapless viewers of this soapy episode, have to wait to find out just what.
The “mums and bums” unit – In the mother-and-baby unit, also called “mums and bums” or the MBU, another inmate offers Zandra some drugs. Zan says she’s kicked the habit, but if I were her, the sound of screaming babies would force me to reconsider.
Visiting hour – Robin is there to see his son Robbie. He gives Zandra a kiss, too. Oh, the happy family. Robin is even making his son a “wooden rattle on the lathe.” Yeah, brilliant idea. When the kid starts to teethe, he’ll get some lovely splinters in his gums.
Nearby, the inmate who tried to tempt Zan back to the dark side gets a little drug delivery from her visiting boyfriend. Zan watches the exchange wistfully.
Robin suggests that he take Robbie full-time so the little one doesn’t have to grow up in jail. Zan says it would be better for Robbie to be with his mother – and by “says,” I really mean “spits” – but Robin insists that she consider it.
On the way out from visiting hours, Hollamby makes Zandra take Robbie’s diaper off to prove there are no drugs tucked inside. Zandra sighs, clearly recognizing that this isn’t exactly a great start for her kid.
Causing a scene – Out in the yard, some random inmates we’ve never seen (and probably won’t ever see again) create a distraction so Denny can retrieve a cell phone that has just been tossed over the fence. Shell is thrilled with her contraband and gives Denny a little kiss for her efforts. Aw, Den. I just don’t see what you see in her, but then, I’ve never been drawn to psychopaths.
Shell asks Den to keep watch at the door so they can “have a little play of it.” She dials a number on the phone. Elsewhere, a guard tells Hollamby there’s a phone call for her. Shell pretends to be a customer service rep and asks Hollamby about the double bed she has ordered for £999.99.
Hollamby: I haven’t ordered a double bed.
Shell: That’s what it says on my computer.
Hollamby: Look, I’m telling you, I didn’t order it and I don’t want it.
Shell: Well, it’s a bit late to change your mind now, Mrs. Hollamby. It’ll be loaded up in the depot.
Hollamby alternately yells and whispers into the phone until Shell hangs up. Hollamby turns to a nearby guard and sums up the situation:
Hollamby: Well, that’s me finished with catalogs. Full stop.
OK, Den, I’ll say this much: At least your psychopath is funny.
The mother-and-baby unit – See these dialogue-less scenes of Zan and Robbie and the other mothers and babies? See the drama on Zan’s face? Hear the dramatic music? Ugh.
Zan looks like she’s about to unravel as Robbie cries and fusses. Next thing you know, she’s in the loo, swapping a phone card for some jellies. Sigh.
Second thoughts – The next morning (or whenever), the drug-selling inmate says the phone card Zan gave her was half empty. Zan says she’ll just give her the drugs back instead; she doesn’t want them now. But the dealer gets in her face about it, so Zandra shoves her and causes a ruckus. There are screaming babies and frantic mothers everywhere, and then Zan herself is screaming and crying as the guards haul her away.
And zap – through the magic of soap-opera time travel – Zan and Robin are in Helen’s office. Helen reminds Zandra that the mother-and-baby unit is a privilege, not a right. Personally, I’d call it a curse, but OK.
Zandra: I didn’t start it. She was winding me up.
Zandra insists that she didn’t want the drugs and was fighting with the other inmate only in order to defend herself. None of it makes any difference to Helen.
Helen: [shouting] You broke the rules!
I know it’s pervy of me, but I would really like to hear the sound of a whip cracking right about now.
Robin gets all high and mighty and says he can’t believe Zandra is getting involved in drugs again. Zan insists again that it wasn’t her fault. Helen warns her that little Robbie might be taken away from her. Full-of-himself Robin says he’ll take Robbie if it comes to that.
Zandra: But I’m his mother!
Yeesh. Such drama! Robin says Zandra has nothing to offer Robbie; she can’t even breastfeed him.
Zandra: That’s their fault. If they’d let me stay with him in hospital, my milk wouldn’t have dried up.
Oh, jeez. I like you, Zan, but the was the most eye-rolly line I’ve ever heard. She even delivers it with a shaky voice and tear-spattered face. Shake your fist, Zandra! Shake your little kewpie-doll fist at the deaf heavens!
Robin says Zandra could never be a fit mother.
Zandra: You weren’t there with me the whole time I was carrying him, so you can piss off now!
Robin looks embarrassed and ashamed. Zan’s the one who should be feeling that way for ever loving that wanker in the first place. Helen calls a guard to take Zan back to the MBU, and then wonders aloud whether it was a mistake to bring Robin in to talk to Zandra. He says the whole thing has only made him realize he’s doing the right thing.
Robin: I’ve already started legal proceedings, Miss Stewart. I want sole custody of my son.
Jerk. I really don’t know whether growing up behind bars would be worse than growing up with this prat.
But I guess that’s probably worse – Zan is feeling desperate. She sneaks Robbie out of the MBU and then searches for the right door to open – she’s in a sort of hexagonal hall of doors, as if Willy Wonka has taken over Larkhall. I’ll bet the Oompa Loompas are hanging out with Bodybag.
Eventually Zan finds a door that leads her to a white medical coat. A nurse asks her what she’s doing there, so she pretends to be taking the coat for laundry. Um, nice cover, Zandra. I’m sure that happens all the time.
She uses the same trick on a doc in another room. Why would prisoners just be walking around collecting coats for the laundry while carrying a baby at the same time? Oh well, whatever. The coat she has just napped happens to have keys in it. This scene is more like a video game than a TV show. What exactly is she trying to do?
She ends up on the roof. Yes, the roof. That’s where I’d go with my newborn and my death wish! When she’s nearly there, she drops the keys and has to force her way through a rusty gate. You’re pretty impressive, Zan: You can juggle a kid, some keys, and whatever curse the universe has slapped on your fuzzy blond head.
The Larkhall gate – Holy crap! Look at Karen Betts’ hot green Triumph convertible!
After Karen parks her sexy car, Stubberfield greets her and tells her there have been a few changes since they last talked. That’s right, Simon. Nikki and Helen have also talked and are kind of broken up again. Also, Zan has lost her mind and Shell is making prank phone calls. Helen does run a tight ship!
Girl on a hot stone roof – A bunch of inmates are strolling through the yard. I don’t know what Yvonne is wearing, exactly, but I can confirm that it’s awesome.
Suddenly Zan calls down from the roof.
Zandra: Crystal! They tried to steal my baby!
Could this be more overwrought? There’s Zan up on the roof, clutching her swaddled babe and screaming nonsense. The camera even does a quick zoom so we can feel stunned. The roof! She’s on it! With the baby!
Fenner tells Dominic to get Stewart. Hollamby mumbles that this is all they need. Fenner, in a fit of poetic justice, tells her to get everyone locked up.
Hollamby: Oh, right. Give me the easy job.
Hollamby, why aren’t you caught up in all the drama? I mean, there’s a baby! On the roof! And the inmates! They’re yelling!
Fenner makes his way up to the roof as Dom delivers the news to Helen, who is immediately frantic. She very butchly grabs her walkie-talkie and goes out to see what she can do. Just to make it all worse, Stubberfield and Karen Betts show up to witness the spectacle.
Fenner tries to talk Zandra down, but she just steps a little closer to the edge.
Nikki: [from down below] You’ve got your whole life, Zandra!
You know it’s bad writing when even Mandana Jones sounds ridiculous – that doesn’t happen often.
Dom, who is apparently related to MacGyver, finds another way to get onto the roof. Helen runs up the stairs where Fenner is and interrupts; she thinks she herself is the one Zandra’s really angry with. Who could be angry with you, Helen? You look so cute with your wind-tousled hair.
Helen: I’m gonna put myself on the line too, Zandra.
And with no further ado, Helen climbs onto the roof and walks slowly toward Zandra. Down below, some of the inmates cheer. Quietly and to herself, Nikki says, “Helen.”
Helen tries to make Zandra see that she’s not alone. She compares Robin to Sean:
Helen: He’s weak, Zandra. He’s weak, but he’s totally sure of himself.
Zan seems to believe that Helen can relate. Helen promises to protect Zandra’s rights as a mother and reminds Zan that she’ll be out of Larkhall in the next year. Zan tearfully relents and hands Helen the baby. As the inmates cheer, however, Zandra puts one foot right at the edge of the roof and says she doesn’t want to live without Robin. Little does she know that Dom has crept up behind her, as she tries to jump, he grabs her and holds her close as she cries. Super Dom to the rescue!
Down below, the rabble roars. Nikki just beams.
Lockup – Everyone files back to their cells, chattering about the drama. As she saunters into her cell, Yvonne adds the kicker to the show:
Yvonne: Night-night, Sylvia. Wake me when the bar’s open.
Hollamby looks around Yvonne’s cell and wants to know what has happened. Yvonne says it’s just a few homey touches – the rug, the bowl of sweets, the general tidiness. Hollamby warns her that she’d better not be “doing deals.”
Yvonne: That’s all right, then. No chance.
You’re so smooth, Yvonne. And your wardrobe is crazy cool!
The new regime – Karen and Fenner talk about the events of the day. Karen says Jim must be a little disappointed in how things have turned out.
Fenner: It’s not all bad. I’ll be seeing you every day.
Jim is to creepy as Yvonne is to cool.
A rendezvous – As Helen leaves her office, an enamored Nikki calls softly to her from the other side of a gate. Nikki looks like she’s about to melt the bars with the heat of her gaze.
Helen walks quietly – and beautifully – over, standing as close to Nikki as she can without slipping through the bars.
Helen: What’re you doing here?
Nikki: I thought you were absolutely fantastic up on that roof. And I’m sorry, Helen, I’ve gotta tell you: You’re gorgeous.
Helen: [little gasp]
Nikki: I’m totally in love with you.
Helen: [breathily] Nikki.
Nikki: There’s nothing I can do about it.
Helen: [steeling herself] Well, I can.
Helen turns and strides off in that determined way she has, raising a hand to her head as she goes. Her face and her voice and body are definitely reacting to Nikki’s presence and words, even if her brain isn’t letting her admit that just yet.
Shell’s cell – Shell dials a number. The episode ends with Shell saying – in a flatter, deeper voice that’s not unlike Nikki’s – “Can I speak to Mrs. Fenner?”
Oh, as if anybody cares about Shell’s petty evils after all that drama. And no, I don’t mean the roof. I mean Nikki’s eyes and Helen’s eyes and the little gasps and smiles they slipped in among all those emotion-laden words. Swoon!
NEXT TIME ON BAD GIRLS: Nikki goes to the punishment block; Shell’s scheme unravels; Helen continues to grapple with her emotions.
