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“Glee” Episode 219 Recap: Fondue For Two, Anyone?

Those of you who’ve wished my recaps were shorter are about to see your dreams come true. I know you’re here to read about what happened on Glee last night, not what happened in my life, but by way of explaining the shortest recap I’ve ever written, I sort of got kidnapped by a cab driver.

I’m out of town, speaking at a conference on avoiding social media mistakes. I’m at dinner with colleagues, and leave early to grab a cab back to my hotel to watch Glee.

Turns out the cab driver was having some kind of breakdown, and he drove me around Orlando, yelling and cursing and explaining some conspiracy theory about GPS satellites. It was totally terrifying even though nothing really happened and he did, eventually, drop me at my hotel.

So, you know, I missed Glee. I did finally manage to watch it, but there’s no way at this point I can write the way I usually do, by which I mean lovingly and obsessively detail every tiny bit of plot and each scrap of dialogue in much the same way a birther carefully reconstructs the exact sequence of events that led to Barack Obama becoming president despite having been born in Kenya.

So, enough about me. What happened on Glee?

This was their tribute to Fleetwood Mac‘s classic album Rumours, and the biggest rumor of the night was that Sam was having an affair with both Kurt and Quinn. It turns out he wasn’t; his father had lost his job, his family had lost their home, and they were all living in a crowded motel room.

Kurt had been bringing Sam clothes, and Quinn was babysitting his little sister and brother.

Finn and Rachel, who had been staking out the motel room, were embarrassed when they found out what was really going on, so they got the Glee Club to chip in and get Sam’s beloved guitar out of hock. He cried. For those looking for more insight into Sam and his background, this was your episode.

For those looking for the next installment of the Brittana Diaries, this was your episode, too. Brittany has an Internet talk show (of course she does) called “Fondue for Two.” She innocently blurts out that Santana “plays for a different team,” by which she meant Glee Club instead of the Cheerios, but, well… you know. Santana’s outed. And pissed.

Brittany and Artie split up because he calls her stupid — I don’t know why this surprises anyone, I’ll never forget how crappy he was to her the first time they had sex — for thinking her relationship with Santana isn’t cheating. Which it’s not, because Santana said so; it’s just two friends talking with their tongues super-close.

To cheer Brittany up, Santana sings “Songbird” to her, and it’s truly gorgeous and awesome and heart-ripping: “And I love you, I love you, I love you like never before.”

Brittany tries to convince Santana to come out, but ends up negotiating an appearance on “Fondue for Two” where Brittany will ask Santana to the prom, and all Santana will have to do is say yes. But Santana doesn’t show up, leaving Brittany to interview her cat, Lord Tubbington, who is my new favorite character.

Sue Sylvester dressed up as David Bowie and Ann Coulter in the same scene, April Rhodes is back (and sang a kick-ass duet of “Dreams” with Will), and there was some Will/Emma drama.

See you next week for the prom episode, and in the meantime, avoid cabs. I know I’m going to.

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