“Glee” Episode 219 Recap: Fondue For Two, Anyone?

Those of you who’ve
wished my recaps were shorter are about to see your dreams come true. I know
you’re here to read about what happened on Glee last night, not what
happened in my life, but by way of explaining the shortest recap I’ve ever
written, I sort of got kidnapped by a cab driver.

I’m out of town,
speaking at a conference on avoiding social media mistakes. I’m at dinner with
colleagues, and leave early to grab a cab back to my hotel to watch Glee.

Turns out the cab driver was having some kind of
breakdown, and he drove me around Orlando, yelling and cursing and explaining
some conspiracy theory about GPS satellites. It was totally terrifying even
though nothing really happened and he did, eventually, drop me at my hotel.

So, you know, I
missed Glee. I did finally manage to watch it, but there’s no way at
this point I can write the way I usually do, by which I mean lovingly and
obsessively detail every tiny bit of plot and each scrap of dialogue in much
the same way a birther carefully reconstructs the exact sequence of events that
led to Barack Obama becoming president despite having been born in Kenya.

So, enough about
me. What happened on Glee?

This was their
tribute to Fleetwood Mac’s classic album Rumours, and the biggest rumor
of the night was that Sam was having an affair with both Kurt and
Quinn. It turns out he wasn’t; his father had lost his job, his family
had lost their home, and they were all living in a crowded motel room.

Can no longer afford haircuts

Kurt had been
bringing Sam clothes, and Quinn was babysitting his little sister and brother.

Finn and Rachel, who had been staking out
the motel room, were embarrassed when they found out what was really going on,
so they got the Glee Club to chip in and get Sam’s beloved guitar out of hock.
He cried. For those looking for more insight into Sam and his background, this
was your episode.

For those looking
for the next installment of the Brittana Diaries, this was your episode, too. Brittany
has an Internet talk show (of course she does) called “Fondue for Two.” She
innocently blurts out that Santana “plays for a different team,” by
which she meant Glee Club instead of the Cheerios, but, well… you know.
Santana’s outed. And pissed.

Brittany and Artie
split up because he calls her stupid — I don’t know why this surprises
anyone, I’ll never forget how crappy he was to her the first time they had sex
– for thinking her relationship with Santana isn’t cheating. Which it’s not,
because Santana said so; it’s just two friends talking with their tongues
super-close.

To cheer Brittany
up, Santana sings “Songbird” to her, and it’s truly gorgeous and awesome and
heart-ripping: “And I love you, I love you, I love you like never before.”

Brittany tries to
convince Santana to come out, but ends up negotiating an appearance on “Fondue
for Two” where Brittany will ask Santana to the prom, and all Santana will have
to do is say yes. But Santana doesn’t show up, leaving Brittany to interview
her cat, Lord Tubbington, who is my new favorite character.

Sue Sylvester dressed up as David Bowie and Ann
Coulter
in the same scene, April Rhodes is back (and sang a kick-ass
duet of “Dreams” with Will), and there was some Will/Emma drama.

See you next week
for the prom episode, and in the meantime, avoid cabs. I know I’m going to.

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