“Glee” Episode 219 Recap: Fondue For Two, Anyone?

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Those of you who’ve

wished my recaps were shorter are about to see your dreams come true. I know

you’re here to read about what happened on Glee last night, not what

happened in my life, but by way of explaining the shortest recap I’ve ever

written, I sort of got kidnapped by a cab driver.

I’m out of town,

speaking at a conference on avoiding social media mistakes. I’m at dinner with

colleagues, and leave early to grab a cab back to my hotel to watch Glee.

Turns out the cab driver was having some kind of

breakdown, and he drove me around Orlando, yelling and cursing and explaining

some conspiracy theory about GPS satellites. It was totally terrifying even

though nothing really happened and he did, eventually, drop me at my hotel.

So, you know, I

missed Glee. I did finally manage to watch it, but there’s no way at

this point I can write the way I usually do, by which I mean lovingly and

obsessively detail every tiny bit of plot and each scrap of dialogue in much

the same way a birther carefully reconstructs the exact sequence of events that

led to Barack Obama becoming president despite having been born in Kenya.

So, enough about

me. What happened on Glee?

This was their

tribute to Fleetwood Mac’s classic album Rumours, and the biggest rumor

of the night was that Sam was having an affair with both Kurt and

Quinn. It turns out he wasn’t; his father had lost his job, his family

had lost their home, and they were all living in a crowded motel room.

Can no longer afford haircuts

Kurt had been

bringing Sam clothes, and Quinn was babysitting his little sister and brother.

Finn and Rachel, who had been staking out

the motel room, were embarrassed when they found out what was really going on,

so they got the Glee Club to chip in and get Sam’s beloved guitar out of hock.

He cried. For those looking for more insight into Sam and his background, this

was your episode.

For those looking

for the next installment of the Brittana Diaries, this was your episode, too. Brittany

has an Internet talk show (of course she does) called “Fondue for Two.” She

innocently blurts out that Santana “plays for a different team,” by

which she meant Glee Club instead of the Cheerios, but, well… you know.

Santana’s outed. And pissed.

Brittany and Artie

split up because he calls her stupid — I don’t know why this surprises

anyone, I’ll never forget how crappy he was to her the first time they had sex

— for thinking her relationship with Santana isn’t cheating. Which it’s not,

because Santana said so; it’s just two friends talking with their tongues

super-close.

To cheer Brittany

up, Santana sings “Songbird” to her, and it’s truly gorgeous and awesome and

heart-ripping: “And I love you, I love you, I love you like never before.”

Brittany tries to

convince Santana to come out, but ends up negotiating an appearance on “Fondue

for Two” where Brittany will ask Santana to the prom, and all Santana will have

to do is say yes. But Santana doesn’t show up, leaving Brittany to interview

her cat, Lord Tubbington, who is my new favorite character.

Sue Sylvester dressed up as David Bowie and Ann

Coulter
in the same scene, April Rhodes is back (and sang a kick-ass

duet of “Dreams” with Will), and there was some Will/Emma drama.

See you next week

for the prom episode, and in the meantime, avoid cabs. I know I’m going to.

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