My foray into the world of Hand Aufs Herz has been happening for less than a week and already I’ve had more than one call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized! moment. It’s not just that the show is an absurdly good time; it’s that the fandom surrounding the show is globally magnificent. And nice. Good heavens, how nice you people are.
Here’s my favorite thing I’ve witnessed so far: When I was trolling around trying to find subtitled clips to piece together the whole story, I saw a YouTube comment exchange where an Italian viewer needed subtitles, but there were no German/Italian-speakers hanging around in the comments. So someone translated the scene from German to Spanish, and then someone else translated it from Spanish to Italian. The Internet can be a really shitty place, full of anger and entitlement, but not you Hand Aufs Herz guys. You guys are the sweetest.
It’s like, you know how sometimes you have to watch someone else love something before you can love it yourself? That’s Hand Aufs Herz. Spreading the love for the sake of the love. And spreading it in like a dozen languages.
So when we last left Jenny and Emma, Emma was like, “What’s your problem?” And Jenny was like, “My problem is that I’m not kissing your mouth right now.” And so she did kiss Emma’s mouth and when she walked away, Emma smiled like the sun after a storm.
The next day, Pink sings about falling in love for the first time while Emma chats to her bestie, Luzi, (I love Luzi) about Jenny. It’s an amazing conversation. Ostensibly, they’re talking about how Hotte is smitten with Jenny. Luzi goes, “How could Jenny ever be into anyone like us? She’s from London. Why, I could even imagine her kissing a girl as an experiment the way she kissed Hotte as an experiment! That’s just the way they kiss in London, no regard for feelings or gender. Just kissing and kissing and kissing all day long. Everyone on the street kissing everyone else on the street. The English, man. Am I right?”
Jenny chases down Emma at her locker and wonders if their kiss made her stumble around in a punch-drunk stupor or anything. The answer is yes, but Emma tries to play it cool (like one of those mythical Londoners), so she goes, “Nah, whatevs. I kissed my mailman this morning, so.” Jenny smiles and says, “Well, it blew me away.”
Have I mentioned Lucy Scherer’s dimples yet? No? Let me do that now: Look at Lucy Scherer’s dimples.
And guess what? According to my friend Brooke, Lucy is like 30 years old which means she’s my age which means she’s my new girlfriend. Danke, Deutschland!
Emma doesn’t have time to worry about how she’s going deaf on account of the thudding of her heart in her ears, because Principal Gotting has decided to give an impromptu school-wide exam in … 15 seconds! Surprise! Emma freaks the f–k out, and Jenny’s all, “Sometimes things happen that you weren’t expecting, but that doesn’t make them bad.”
Only, the surprise exam is bad because Emma’s meant to be answering essay questions about US Civil Rights history, but instead, she’s doodling hearts all over her exam book and writing “Emma and Jenny,” “Jenny and Emma,” “Mrs. Emma Hartman” in the margin. Actually, mostly she’s just sneaking peeks at Jenny and wishing she could either: a) Run for her life. Or b) Clear her desk with one fell swoop of her arm and pin Jenny down on it for some more of that “experimental” snogging.
Shockingly, Emma fails the exam.
The next thing that happens is almost as amazing as the time Hanna got hit by a car on Pretty Little Liars. When the exam results come back, Principal Gotting wrangles up everyone who failed — just, like, sends these teachers around with a list, going, “Will the following morons please gather your things and come with me?” — and stashes the students in a supply closet. The way the announcement is made, you’d think they were hauling the kids off to prison or something. When Emma’s name is added to the Dumb Student list, Jenny loses it. She starts shouting about, “F–k you and your test! You won’t get away with this s–t! I’M FROM LONDON!”
After class, Jenny finds Emma and tries to console her, but Emma’s not having it. She goes, “I would have nailed that test if I hadn’t been thinking about nailing you!” And then she storms off to the cafeteria where it suddenly costs a million Euros to buy a sandwich, and also there is announcement on the bulletin board explaining that Dumb Students can’t participate in extra-curricular activities, which means Emma is out of STAG.
It gets even worse when Emma tries to find a place to sit. Regina George and Gretchen Weiners are like, “Only people who aren’t idiots can sit at our table.” Jenny sees it going down from across the cafeteria and she hops across six tables and literally goes, “I am going to count to three and then I am going to murder you and bury you under the volleyball court.”
Gretchen and Regina flee Jenny’s lesbian wrath. Jenny tells Emma: “Don’t worry, darling. If anyone else bothers you, I will rain down some kung-fu on them. It’s something every Londoner knows how to do, kung-fu.”