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“Glee” Episode 218 Recap: “I’ve Got to Gay”

It’s the biggest Glee ever — 90 minutes of pure gay goodness. That’s right; for those who thought I was too hard on last week’s forgettable episode “Night of Neglect,” get ready to see the fangirl side of me.

In the first scene, Mr. Schue correctly observes that his little band of ragtag songbirds may have won at Regionals with their singing, but when it comes to dancing, “Vocal Adrenaline takes no prisoners.” Time, he says, for “booty camp.”

The glee kids take to their dance practice with enthusiasm, Finn so much so his wildly swinging arm hits Rachel and breaks her nose.

Rachel’s family doctor suggests she take advantage of the break to have her deviated septum repaired and to do a little “vanity adjustment” at the same time. “It’s like a rite of passage for Jewish girls,” he tells her.

Besides, he adds, it might make her voice better by allowing her to take in more air.

“But… Barbra…” Rachel stammers.

“Is great,” the doctor says. “She’s also one in a million.”

Rachel tells the Glee Club that she’s considering having her deviated septum repaired, but both Santana and Quinn call it what it is: a nose job.

Mr. Schue is all teacher-y and wise, but Santana cuts to (her version of) the truth. “I hear that Rachel’s got a bit of a schnozz. I wouldn’t know, because like Medusa, I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all stop lying for a minute about there not being things we wouldn’t like changing about ourselves?”

Finn looks bewildered, but she goes on. “I mean, I’m sure Sam‘s been at the doctor’s office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reduction. I’ll bet Artie‘s thought about getting his legs removed, since he’s not really using them anyways. And I’m definitely sure that Tina‘s looked into getting an eye de-slanting.”

Tina tells her that’s racist and she loves how she looks, and Mike frowns. “Is that why you’re wearing blue contacts today, Tina? Self-hating Asian.”

She sputters she’s just trying to be fashionable, and Finn admits his dancing kind of bothers him, especially since he nearly killed Rachel. Santana tells us more than we ever wanted to know about Finn’s strange nipples, prompting Sam to try to check them out and Quinn to rest a consoling hand on his shoulder.

Santana says her philosophy is that if you see something in the mirror that you don’t like, you should change it. Will is pretty upset by this, and assures the kids that the very things they don’t like about themselves are the things that make them the most interesting.

“Well, maybe,” says Mercedes. “But at this school, the thing that makes you different is the thing that people use to crush your spirit.”

Will hasn’t convinced anyone, so he goes to Emma for advice. But instead, he engages her in a slightly confrontational discussion of her OCD. She doesn’t want to change, though. “I may not have been born this way,” she said. “But this is my lot in life. And there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Meanwhile in the halls of McKinley, Santana is thinking about how much she wants to get Brittany back as she defaces Quinn and Finn’s prom queen/king campaign posters.

“I should be prom queen at this school,” she mentally voice-overs. “If I were prom queen I could get Brittany to drop the four-eyed loser and go for the real queen. She’s so gullible I could convince her that by royal decree I made her being with me the law of the land. But that’s never gonna happen; I don’t have the votes. Unless… I could get the jock block.”

Sam walks by, doing his Sean Connery impersonation, and Santana says (in her own head only) that he doesn’t have “the juice” at McKinley yet.

Karofsky, on the other hand, does. Just as Santana’s considering that option, Sam leans over to get a drink from the water fountain and Karofsky walks by — and slows down to check out Sam’s ass.

Santana suddenly puts the pieces together. “I’m a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing: I have awesome gaydar.”

The next scene is all kinds of interesting.

Santana, Mercedes, Tina, Kurt and Blaine are having coffee. Santana’s not really listening to anyone; she’s gazing sorrowfully at the next table, where Brittany and Artie are being silly with whipped cream. Her face is so sad I missed all the dialogue in this scene the first time through.

Mercedes asks if the reason Kurt hasn’t asked anything about Nationals is that it’s too painful, and he says it is. While New Directions is getting ready for New York, the Warblers are preparing to sing at “a nursing home in a strip mall next to a national bank.”

Tina says they miss Kurt so much, and Mercedes asks is there isn’t some way he could come back.

“I told him I’d be all for it if it wasn’t for Karofsky,” says Blaine, and we can see a little light bulb go off over Santana’s head. Kurt, she decides, is the key to winning prom queen and thus, “getting Britt.” Not to mention boosting their chances to win at Nationals.

“If I could get Kurt back, I’d be a hero,” she thinks. “Even Quinn and Finn would vote for me.” (OK, Finn might, Santana.) “Karofsky’s the key.”

She stands up, resolutely. “I’ve gotta gay. Go. I’ve gotta go.” Oh, Santana. Have you seen those little LOLCats that say, “I haz a sad“? I saw a picture of Santana in my mind, with the caption, “I haz a gay.”

Back in the choir room, Mr. Schue tells the class that they’re going to do Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way,” and that they also need to spend the week coming up with a slogan to put on the t-shirt they’ll wear during the number. Emma’s going to help them come up with something that they’re ashamed of or would like to change, but can’t. Will wants them to learn to love themselves for it.

Next we learn that Lauren Zizes was a pageant toddler! “Yeah,” she says, “three years in a row. I dominated western wear and runway, but I where I really shone was toddler pull-ups.” She was well on her way to becoming Miss Ohio when her thyroid trouble kicked in. We see a flashback to little Lauren demonstrating the pull-ups. I love how this show keeps letting us meet the little versions of the characters. Adorable.

Puck resolves to help Lauren become prom queen. “And baby, I’m going to be your king.”

Quinn goes with Rachel to the plastic surgeon to serve as a nose model, and then the two of them sing a mash-up of TLC’s anthem to self-esteem, “Unpretty,” and “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story. It’s pretty awesome, and for the very first time, ever, I got a glimmer of why some fans ship this pairing.

Rachel seems deeply affected by the song, and even Quinn looks unsettled. So when she leaves the choir room (the song was one of those that moved around in space and time) and comes across Lauren hanging up her prom queen campaign posters, she reacts with more anger than she might normally have shown.

She blows up at Lauren, saying that she might win because people would think her candidacy was a joke, but when they squeezed the tiara on her head, someone would dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her, and she’d “become more of an outcast than you already are.”

Lauren doesn’t quite know what to make of the whole thing. “Oh-kay. I don’t know exactly what your problem is, but you best bring it, Fabray. Because I’m hot as hell, I keep it real, and the people at this school want a prom queen that’s like them.”

“No, they don’t,” Quinn says. “They want a prom queen who’s somebody they’d like to be.”

“Not everybody can be born pretty like you,” Lauren tells her, “but just so you know, who you are inside, and who you pretend to be to the rest of the world? They’re two different people.”

“You don’t know anything about me, Lauren, anything,” Quinn says, almost menacingly. “But you know what? You’re about to. Because guess what? It just got personal.”

Next up is the scene I loved best in the whole episode, which is saying a lot since I really loved this episode.

Karofsky’s sitting with Santana at a cafĂ©, a smug look on his face. “I knew you’d ask me out eventually,” he says. “I’m kind of Duke Stud at McKinley.” (Someone please tell me I got that dialogue wrong? Because if that’s right… ouch.)

“Oh, give it up,” Santana says. “I know.”

“Know what?” he says, still smirking.

“That you’re gay,” she says. Loudly.

His face does this strange, uncomfortable, semi-frightening thing — incredible. Max Adler does an amazing job here. “What? Who told you that?”

“No one had to tell me,” Santana says. “First of all, I saw you checking out Sam’s ass the other day. You know, you really need to be more careful with your leering.”

“I didn’t. I was just seeing what jeans he was wearing.”

“Like that’s any less gay.” She makes a gesture. “Second of all, I know about you and Kurt. Remember last week, before the benefit? You worrying about ‘the truth’ getting out? Well guess what?” She throws her hands in the air. “It’s out.”

He’s furious. “Whatever they told you is a lie to mess with me. I’m gonna kick their asses.”

Santana leans across the table and takes his hand. “You know what? Why don’t you just settle down, and let Auntie Tanny tell you a little story?”

She tells him he’s what they call a “late in life gay” who’s going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with his wife, have kids, and become a state senator or a deacon and get caught in the men’s room with “some page.” She says she accepts that about him, and he’s totally bewildered as to why.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I need you,” she says frankly. “And you need me.” She shifts her eyes away and back. “We play on the same team.”

His face softens and changes in a very subtle way, and he blinks. I’ve been as big a Karofsky-hater as anyone, but as he lifts his eyes and looks at her, and says, “You’re…” in this very tentative voice, I found myself wanting to give him a little hug. I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with that just yet.

Santana’s quick to assure him that yes, she is, but no, she’s not ready to “start eating jicama or get a flat top, either. Maybe in junior college.”

Then the old Karofsky is back. “This is garbage. I’m not gay.”

She rolls her eyes. “I’m trying to help you out here. Have you ever heard of the term ‘beard’? It’s when a gay man and woman date each other to hide the fact that they’re gay. Like the Roosevelts.”

She tells him they’re going to be each other’s beards, and become prom queen and king and rule the school. And if he doesn’t cooperate, she’s going to out him and ruin his life.

“The only straight I am is straight-up bitch. You in, or not?”

By the way, that “straight-up bitch” line? I think it might have been the most-quoted line in the Gleeverse last night.

Finn and Quinn have a little fight at their lockers about this week’s lesson — Quinn isn’t sure she thinks accepting yourself for what you are is a great idea. But Finn says he loves this week’s lesson, and then does a singing dancing version of Sammy Davis Jr.’s “I’ve Gotta Be Me,” with Mike Chang dancing with him.

I’d forgotten how good Finn’s voice is when they give him something in his natural range and don’t auto-tune the crap out of it. He still can’t dance, but he can definitely sing.

Rachel starts passing around photos of what she’ll look like with her new nose, and Puck says that all the girls at his temple show up after they turn 16 with new noses, and he doesn’t like it. Tina weighs in against it, too.

Rachel isn’t dissuaded, but Finn cuts her off and says, “Rachel, please don’t do this. You’re beautiful.” Then he stops. Rachel looks almost stunned, and so does Quinn, who I thought would be angry. But Rachel still insists she’s getting the nose job.

Will confronts Emma again about her OCD. Unwashed fruit is involved. I actually like what they’re doing with this storyline, but I have an issue with it being Will who pushes her to get the help she needs. Sometimes I think that, although they’re sweet, I’m not sure they’re good for each other.

Principal Figgins shows up at the glee room with Karofsky, who gives a heart-felt speech about how he’s sorry for slushying everyone, and particularly sorry for what he did to Kurt. He says that it’s Santana who helped him see the light by showing him stories on the web of bullied kids who killed themselves.

This whole thing could have been like a truly terrible PSA. The language is stilted, and while it seems sincere, we suspect, based on what we know, that it’s not. Or… is it? We know Santana’s plan, but there’s so much in Dave’s face and body language, it’s hard to know just why he’s doing what he’s doing.

Santana joins him, and says she did it for the team, so Kurt would come back and help them win Nationals. “And then something happened,” she says, taking Dave’s hand. “Something called love.”

Brittany looks appalled, Tina says, “I’m going to barf,” and Puck almost does.

Dave says he wants Kurt to feel safe to come back, and that he and Santana have formed an anti-bullying club at school, the Bully-Whips, where they dress up in red berets and red jackets and stop students from bullying kids.

After the commercial (did anyone else notice this show has more commercials than any other show on television?) we’re in Principal Figgins’ office with Figgins, Will, Burt, Kurt, Dave and Dave’s dad.

“You talk a good game,” Burt tells Dave. “But all I’m hearing is talk. And talk isn’t going to keep Kurt safe.”

Figgins says the bullying has stopped since Dave and Santana formed their club, and Burt explodes, “And if you took all the water out of the ocean, it wouldn’t be wet anymore.” Everyone looks confused, so he explains, “The bullying stopped because your top offender stopped.”

Dave’s dad, who still looks eerily like economist Paul Krugman, tells Burt to remember that he was sympathetic and didn’t defend his son when the way he was treating Kurt first came out. But his son is a changed kid, he insists. Or rather, Dave has now changed back to the person he was before he turned into a bully.

He also challenged Burt to think about how much time it took him to come to terms with homosexuality. Doesn’t Dave deserve some time to change, too?

But Burt’s not buying, and from the look on Kurt’s face, neither is he. Burt blows up and says that Dave threatened to kill Kurt, and Dave insists it was just “a figure of speech,” and that he didn’t mean it.

“What do you think, Kurt?” asks Mr. Schue.

Kurt, looking so very brave and grown-up, says he wants to talk to Dave alone. They reluctantly agree, filing out slowly and standing right outside the room’s glass walls.

“What’s your angle here?” Kurt asks.

Dave says, “I’m just trying to make things right.”

“David, I know. Remember? I haven’t told anyone.”

“Why?” Dave asks. “It would have made your life a lot easier.”

Kurt explains that he doesn’t believe in denying who you are, but he also doesn’t believe in outing people. “But still, you owe me. The truth. What’s going on here?”

Dave mans up and tells him. “It was Santana’s idea. She wants to be prom queen, and she figures if she can get you back, everyone will vote for us.”

“I’m both repulsed and impressed by her Lady MacBethian ways. A Latina Eve Harrington.”

Dave looks confused, and Kurt says, “Okay, if you’re going to be gay, you simply must know who that is.”

The upshot is that Kurt negotiates an agreement. If he comes back, not only will he be safe at McKinley, but he and Dave will form a P-FLAG chapter at the school, because Dave needs to be educated even if he doesn’t come out.

“Why don’t you just kill me now?” Dave says, heaving a sigh worthy of any drama queen.

Finn’s joined the group watching from outside, and Burt tells him he has to look out for his brother. Finn says he’s one step ahead of him.

Rachel’s in the girls’ bathroom when Puck comes in and appeals to Rachel as a Jew. “Your nose has been passed down from generation to generation as your birthright. It’s a sign of our survival as a people.” He asks for just one hour of her time the next day.

Then, out on the quad, the Glee Club is celebrating the return of Kurt, who is wearing a killer white jacket and a top hat.

And the Warblers, led by Blaine, come to sing Kurt a farewell song — although Blaine adorably adds that he’ll still have Kurt after school and on weekends. I got a little tear at the romance of it. And then I turned into a little puddle of goo when Blaine serenades Kurt with Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know.” Kurt is floating on a cloud, with everything he feels written on his beautiful, expressive face.

And Blaine takes him by the hands and kind of spins him around, and suddenly there is a piano and a string section, and it’s just absolutely perfect. And then at the end of the song, they embrace, and Kurt, who is in tears, says in a rough voice, “I’ll never say goodbye to you.”

And as Blaine walks off, he looks at Kurt with so much love. And seriously? This has got to be the most romantic storyline I’ve ever seen on television. It was just beautiful.

In the next scene, Kurt does a solo of “As If We Never Said Goodbye” from Sunset Boulevard, and it’s just pure Broadway. I told you I was just going to fangirl this episode, and that’s all I can do with Kurt, too. This isn’t even a song I like, but I couldn’t take my eyes off him. What a beautiful voice, with so much on his face, and the way he clenched his own hair… over the top, but in the most perfect Kurt Hummel way possible.

And I guess this is as good a time as any to interject the comment that Joe Jervis of Joe. My. God. Posted on his Facebook page last night:

“As I always do at the end of Glee, I have this OMG moment when I consider that the most popular character on the nation’s most popular show is an out, proud, nellie teenaged show queen. Love or hate the show, it is changing lives.”

And then a scene I did not see coming.

Lauren, whose father’s college roommate was G. Gordon Liddy, says she learned from him that the most important part of any campaign was turning up dirt on your opponent. She discovered that Quinn’s real name was Lucy, that she’d had a nose job and lost around 70 pounds. And she’s going to spread that all over the school, along with an extremely unflattering photo that she found of her.

And then Quinn just shatters, and tells Lauren what her life used to be like. “I hated the way I looked… I didn’t have friends. Nobody would talk to me….”

She eventually became an athlete and changed her name and her nose.

“So you hate yourself.”

“No, I love myself. That’s why I did all those things.” She said she was never going back, and she was going to be prom queen.

Lauren says she shouldn’t be too sure of that; she’s posted the photos of “Lucy” all over school.

Quinn runs out and tears one down, but everyone’s laughing.

Puck, meanwhile, has brought Rachel to the mall, and turned her over to Kurt for a “Barbra-vention.”

“Is she here?” Rachel says, eagerly.

He gives her a look. “This is a mall in Ohio.” Instead, Rachel gets a pep talk and then a flash mob to Duck Sauce’s “Barbra Streisand.” I don’t deny it’s fun, and they look like they’re having a great time doing it, and Rachel loves it, but how, exactly, does this song — which has only two words, “Barbra Streisand,” convince Rachel of anything? I know, I know, suspension of disbelief.

We next learn that Emma has started therapy, although she spends her entire first session disinfecting the chair. The psychiatrist tells her that she has a “fairly severe case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.”

Emma seems stunned, and argues that her OCD is who she is, not an illness or something to treat. “This is how I am. This is who I’m supposed to be.”

“Your illness is not who you’re supposed to be,” the therapist says. “It’s keeping you from who you’re supposed to be. If a student came to you, and had diabetes, would you give them insulin, or would you tell them, ‘That’s just who you’re supposed to be’?”

She gives Emma a prescription for some medication, and sets up an appointment in a week. Emma seems shell-shocked.

Quinn tells Finn she thinks her campaign to be prom queen is over, but Finn tells her that she’s wrong; he has a photo of “Lucy” in his wallet.

And it turns out that all the girls in the school admire her for changing herself, and Lauren tells her that polling has Quinn up 40 percent. Then she says she had that coming, and apologizes for what she did to her.

“I respect you,” Quinn says. “I had to get a nose job and go on a crazy diet to act as if I owned the school. You just do it.”

“I have to admit,” Lauren says, looping her arm over Quinn’s shoulder, “I thought about going blonde.”

“I’m not so sure,” Quinn says appraisingly, “Red maybe.” And they walk off together.

I’m just loving Quinn this week.

Then, in another of these embarrassments of queer riches that Glee is pouring out for us now, we get another Brittany-and-Santana-at-their-lockers scenes. Brittany wants to know what Santana’s going to say about herself on her t-shirt, and it turns out, the word she chose was “BITCH.” She thinks it’s perfect; after all, she says, when she was born, she told the nurse she was fat.

But Brittany has a different idea. She has a t-shirt she made for Santana with the word “Lebanese” on it — which Santana takes a minute to realize is supposed to be “Lesbian.”

Brittany tells her, “When you told me all that stuff the other week, it meant so much to me, to see you be so honest. Especially because I know how bad it hurt. I was so proud of you.”

“Well, don’t get used to it,” Santana says. “And certainly don’t think about telling anyone.”

“Why not? You’re the most awesomest girl at the school. Why would you try to hide any of it?”

Santana says she’s dating Karofsky now. When Brittany says that’s gross, she says she has no business telling her who to date.

“Why not? Because I’m dating somebody? Because you’re Lebanese and I think I’m bi-curious?”

“No,” Santana says, suddenly serious. “Because I said I love you. And you didn’t say you love me back.”

(Actually, Santana, she did.)

“I do love you,” Brittany says, sounding angry. “Clearly you don’t love you as much as I do or you’d put this shirt on, and you’d dance with me.” Then she stalks off.

Emma, in her office, finally starts taking her medication, and the show choir does their “Born This Way” performance.

Mr. Schue has the phrase “Butt Chin” on his t-shirt. Rachel says she’s not going to get her nose fixed after all, and put “Nose” on her shirt.

Kurt opens “Born This Way,” and it’s just about as different from his last number as it could possibly be. He puts his paws up in the air, and he just rocks the opening. Then Mercedes and Tina take over as leads, and we start to see what everyone’s shirt says.

Kurt’s, as anyone who has a computer must know by now, says, “Likes Boys.” Mercedes’ says “No Weave!” Tina’s, “Brown Eyes.” Mike’s, “Can’t Sing.”

At some point Emma sneaks in, and her t-shirt says, “OCD.”

And in the back of the auditorium, Karofsky’s arm over her shoulder, is Santana — wearing a T-shirt that says “Lebanese.”

One last note: I saw some discussion about edits to the lyrics of “Born This Way” on Tumblr last night, and I have to agree that they were strange. Given the context, why on earth did they cut the line “no matter gay straight or bi, lesbian transgender life,” and repeat the line about racial identity? It reminds me of the de-queering of the lyrics from “The Rocky Horror Show” — or more specifically in both those cases, the de-trans-ing of lyrics. Is it Fox? Or the Glee producers themselves? I don’t get it.

That one issue aside, this was a pretty great episode, and I enjoyed the extra half hour.

Next page: #gaysharks Tweets.

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