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“Glee” Episode 217 Recap: Vicious, Vicious Words

Dear Glee,

While you were gone, I was faithful and true. I watched old episodes on my DVR. I got into heated debates on Twitter about where the season was going from here. I waxed passionate with friends who do not watch Glee, explaining why it was really as good as its popularity would indicate, despite the plot holes and stuff.

I don’t regret my devotion, dearest Glee, but I do regret the hour I spent watching “Night of Neglect,” or rather, I regret slightly less than one hour because there were a few minutes that were worth the wait.

I hope, my beloved little show, that next week lives up to the expectations raised by the preview for a ninety minute episode with Kurt wearing an adorable hat, because otherwise, darlingest Gleester, our love may be put to a terrible test.

Yours devotedly… etc.

Okay, was last night’s episode that bad? Yeah, it kind of was. Not bad, perhaps, so much as boring. And a strain.

It turns out Sue hid the Cheerio’s budget that was supposed to go to the Glee Club to send them to New York in the Cayman Islands, so they need to raise $5,000 for the trip to New York City for Nationals.

While they’re scheming on how to raise the money — Mr. Schuester wants to do it by selling saltwater taffy, until Santana sets him straight — Mike Chang stands up and does a diva-esque walk-out.

It turns out he, Artie, Tina and Brittany belong to an academic club called The Brainiacs, and they went on the Smartypants show and won, largely due to Brittany’s encyclopedic knowledge of cat diseases.

Mike is pissed off because his fellow Glee Clubbers are all wrapped up in their own problems and don’t care about the Brainiacs’ woes. Specifically, they can’t advance to the next level of smartness competition, to be held in Detroit, without enough money to send the club there.

Hmmmm; is there some kind of word for when you make up a new thing that didn’t exist before and we never, ever heard about and now it’s a big deal because you needed it to make some point you wanted to make and couldn’t figure out how to make with your existing huge cast and complicated web of inter-related plots and characters?

Oh, yeah. “Plot device.”

Although it’s all worth it to learn that Brittany knows everything there is to know about cat diseases. She is so a lesbian.

Sue, of course, can’t let go of her vendetta against Will and the Glee Club. She’s recruited a number of “enemies of Glee”: Sandy Ryerson, “defrocked educator and legendary friend of Dorothy,” Dustin Goolsby (Cheyenne Jackson), the coach of rival show choir Vocal Adrenaline, and Will’s ex, Terri.

Sandy hits on Dustin, who sneers back that he’s not gay — a twist I didn’t really see coming and, by the way, don’t believe. Sandy doesn’t much care, saying he’s a “predatory gay.” I start to have a headache.

Sue dubs her minions the League of Doom, with Sandy as “The Pink Dagger,” Terri as “Honey Badger, nature’s most ferocious warrior; look it up on YouTube,” and Dustin as “Sergeant Handsome.” Sue, of course, is General Zod.

Next, we cut to Will and Holly Holliday (Gwyneth Paltrow, back again) having pizza. “I am both awesome and unavailable,” Gwyneth tells him, just before she tells him his taffy-selling idea sucks, and the Glee Club needs to have a benefit to raise money.

Will tells the club they’re going to do a “Night of Neglect,” featuring artists whose work is under-appreciated.

“Like me,” sighs Rachel.

Out in the halls of McKinley High, Sue spots a sunglassed Dustin lurking at the bottom of the stairs on a spy mission. “Sergeant Handsome,” she says, “Walk with me.”

His assignment: To break up Will and Holly, in order to destroy Will’s spirit like the League of Doom is going to destroy the Glee kids’ confidence.

Sue and Sandy also create a new school club — for hecklers. Its members are Becky Jackson, Jacob Ben Israel, and Azimio Adams (James Earl). If you think that’s a pretty sparse description, well, it’s actually more than it deserves. These kids are mercilessly stalked in the halls and doused with red dye number 4 on a daily basis, and heckling will destroy their will to perform?

The Glee kids are talking about what they’ll do at the benefit. Mike is going to dance (of course). Tina is going to do a song by Lykke Li, and Mercedes is going to sing some Aretha.

Lauren questions that last, given that Ms. Franklin is the “Queen of Soul,” and Mercedes points out that it’s the Glee Club that’s been neglecting her; they haven’t done a single Aretha number since Mercedes auditioned with “Respect.”

“Awesome, Mercedes,” enthuses Rachel. “Awesome, all of you guys! Those songs are great appetizers to my main course, Celine Dion‘s ‘My Heart Will Go On.'”

Tina points out that’s “like, the biggest song of all time,” Rachel shakes her head. “Celine Dion isn’t the neglected artist,” she says. “I am.” Oh, delusional Rachel.

Finn races up, saying that Sunshine Corazon (Charice, who by the way, demonstrates conclusively in this scene that while she can definitely sing, she cannot act. It’s painful) is in the house.

Sunshine wants to perform to benefit the Brainiacs, because she knows what it’s like to be a smart student who studies hard and gets no respect. (She was on the Carmel High team that the Brainiacs beat on Smartypants.)

The kids accuse her of being a spy, and Artie points out that, being so small, she could have hung out in the air vents for days. Brittany agrees.

But Sunshine says she isn’t a spy and has nothing against anyone in the McKinley Glee Club. Then she sweetens the pot. “I have 600 Twitter followers. I can get all of them to come.”

Since the club has only sold four tickets so far, it works. Sunshine wants to sing the song “All By Myself,” another Celine Dion standard. At the risk of offending Kurt Hummel, I have to admit I really can’t stand Celine Dion, and this song in particular makes me want to pour hot wax in my ears.

Sunshine, however really, really can sing. Only 600 Twitter followers for someone that awesome? Really?

So Rachel’s misgivings/guilty conscience aside, they enthusiastically applaud and welcome Sunshine to the benefit team.

In a last effort to derail the Sunshine Express, Rachel points out that Mercedes is now going to get pushed to third billing as a female soloist. Mercedes isn’t happy, but she accepts it — to Lauren’s dismay.

Ms. Zizes strolls up to Mercedes later in the library and asks for her yellow patent leather high-top sneakers in exchange for her own dirty flip flops. Mercedes is all, “Huh?”, and Lauren explains that Mercedes needs some “Respect” of her own, and offers to be her manager for a 10 percent cut… of what, I’m not sure. Saltwater taffy?

Will goes into the teacher’s lounge, where he finds Emma using an electric toothbrush to clean a counter.

He gently mentions to her that he’s heard OCD symptoms are worse when someone’s under great stress. She tells him Carl left her and is asking for an annulment because they never consummated their marriage.

Er, is it just me or did that whole relationship wrap up a bit abruptly?

Anyway, Emma said she thought she’d have her OCD under control by now. She’s crying, sad, and tired.

Will snaps on the gloves, and says he’s there for her — no judgment, just a friend she can count on. “Cheers.” And they clink grapes… while Holly looks in the window and sees them.

Under Lauren’s guidance, Mercedes goes full-diva and demands all kinds of backstage perks, including a bank of humidifiers and fluffy puppies to dry her hands after she washes them. Her demands escalate to the point that Finn and Quinn turn to Rachel for advice — presumably because she’ll understand irrational diva-ness better than they can. Really, I have no idea.

I also have no idea why Holly is doing a Wallis Simpson impersonation in history class. I didn’t learn about Mrs. Simpson in high school; I had to learn about that from PBS. Something about Nazi-sympathizers and how people thought Wallis was a hermaphrodite.

“Tomorrow we do Catherine the Great and her pet stallion, Fred,” Holly says as the bell rings. “So come early.”

Dustin slinks in her classroom and introduces himself to Holly. “Let me cut to the sexy chase…. Those aren’t eggs in your Fallopian tubes; they’re rare exotic pearls.” Good thing this is high snark, as I tremble to think someone believes that might be the kind of thing a woman wants to hear as a pick-up line. “Your reproductive prowess is legendary. I have my own hair and a high sperm count. Let’s mate.” Ummmm, no.

Will shows up, threatens to knock out Dustin’s teeth, and asks why Holly didn’t turn up for lunch as they’d planned. She says she did turn up, but didn’t feel she was welcome. Now she has to clear her head, she says, instead of singing a duet with Will for the benefit. (I hoped this meant we’d be spared her singing in this episode, but alas.)

Meanwhile backstage, Rachel gets Mercedes her humidifiers, while Puck is out scouring the shelters for a “perfect Pomeranian.” And Sunshine is going to close out the benefit, not Mercedes and not Rachel.

Next we get the one scene I couldn’t have lived without.

Kurt has come back to McKinley to attend the benefit, boyfriend Blaine in tow. Kurt’s showing Blaine the school, when Artie and Brittany go by; Artie thanks the guys for showing up to support them.

Kurt stares longingly after them, and Blaine gently says, “Awww, you miss them?”

And then Karofsky’s there. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re here for the benefit,” Kurt says. “Don’t tell me you’re going?”

“I wouldn’t be caught dead,” Karofsky sneers. “I was pumping iron in the gym, and one of the guys told me you two were here spreading your fairy dust all over the place.”

“Would you just give it up?” Blaine says, sounding weary. “You can live whatever lie you want, but don’t pretend that the three of us don’t know what’s really going on here.”

In the background, we see Santana, although none of the guys notices her.

“You don’t know squat, butt boy,” Karofsky says, and Blaine shoves him (!).

Karofsky goes after him, and Santana flies into action, breaking it up before it gets started by getting right in there. Go, Santana!

“You’re real brave with your fists,” Kurt says, “but you’re a coward when it comes to the truth.”

Santana looks bewildered. “Truth about what?” she asks.

“None of your business, J-Lo,” Karofsky tells her.

We get a fast flash-back to Karofsky slushy-ing Santana, and she says, “First of all, everything you do became my business when you decided to toss that slushy up in my grill.”

“I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl,” he says.

She laughs, dangerously. “Let me tell you how it’s going to go down. You stay here, and I crack one of your nuts. Right or left, that’s your choice. Or you walk away, and live to be a douche bag another day. Oh, and also? I have razor blades hidden in my hair. Mmm hmmm, tons hidden all up in there. Mmm hmmm.” And she swaggers as the turns around and faces Kurt and Blaine, while Karofsky runs off.

My love of Santana Lopez is too big to express with typing.

Blaine looks admiringly at her while Kurt flutters his eyelids adorably, but Blaine just says, “We could have handled that.”

“It was more fun doing it together,” she says with a sweet smile that seems uncharacteristic and yet… so lovely. Oh, my little band of queer Gleeks. You make me forgive the steaming mediocrity that is the rest of this episode.

Okay, so, Santana’s phone beeps and she curses. Sunshine has just tweeted that she won’t be at the benefit after all, and tells her 600 followers, none of whom had bought a ticket yet even though the show is literally already beginning, not to come, either. And there are only six people there, basically no one but the members of the Heckler’s Club. Ummm, don’t any of the Glee kids have parents?

Tina goes first, trying to sing Lykke Li’s “I Follow Rivers,”but breaks down in the face of the heckling.

Backstage, Mr. Schue says they have to buck up and learn to play for hostile audiences, and he knows a way. Finn and Rachel hand out saltwater taffy; the hecklers can’t heckle with their mouths full.

Mike dances to Jack Johnson’s “Bubble Toes,” with a mop. His dancing is, of course, wonderful, but it just doesn’t fit in… and I don’t see the “neglected artist” thing here, either.

Kurt and Blaine love it, however, and the hecklers finally finish their taffy and start up again.

The kids decide they’re going to send Mercedes out to silence the hecklers, but Lauren informs them, “Mercedes has left the building,” because “Miss Jones doesn’t appreciate how she’s been treated.” Holly tells the kids to go find Mercedes while she goes out and deals with “the haters.”

Holly tries to appeal to the heckler’s sense of decency. She says, admiringly, that they’re great hecklers. “You guys must practice a lot.”

Azimio modestly says it’s not so; he mostly just practices on the Internet. “My posts on NCIS and CSI: Miami chat rooms are legendary.”

Holly comments that she’s never seen him on there, and he says, “You wouldn’t, because I mostly post as NCISucks or NCIStupid.”

“I’m the Beckster in the Entertainment Weekly chat rooms,” says Becky.

“My ‘CurlyHairedInCairo’ Twitter account helped bring down Mubarak,” Jacob says. “The Internet has allowed us to be brutally cruel without any consequences. In the past, if I wanted to tell someone they sucked, I’d have to say it to their face, which would usually result in them kicking me in the groin.”

Holly gives a little lecture on the “culture of insults” and how their comments arise out of their own insecurity and really hurt people. This clearly bothers Becky and even Azimio. Holly tries to get them to come back in and “turn those jeers into cheers,” but Azimio says no, he’s going to go to the NCIS chat room and post about how handsome Mark Harmon is. Jacob and Becky bail, too — Jacob stopping to hit on Holly on his way out.

A rain-drenched Rachel finds Mercedes sitting in her car, and they have a little diva-to-diva talk. Mercedes says she doesn’t want a pep talk, but Rachel ignores her and tells hera story about Aretha Franklin and how she became the “Queen of Soul.”

Mercedes asks, “Why are you always the big star? You get the big solos, the moment in the sun… why is it never me?”

“Yeah,” Mercedes says. “And everybody likes me.”

That, Rachel says, is the problem; you can’t want anything, including to be liked, more than you want to be a star.

“I just wanted that closing slot,” Mercedes says softly.

“Then go in there,” Rachel answers, “and take it from me.”

Kurt and Blaine come back into the auditorium, and Blaine tells Sandy, “You’re a terrible person, you know that?”

“You sound just like my court-appointed therapist,” Sandy says.

Sue tells Sandy she needs to talk to him.

“Yes, General,” he says.

On their way out, Will says he had a feeling Sue was behind the heckling.

“You have no proof,” she says, and she and Sandy leave.

Which leaves only Kurt and Blaine, as far as I can tell, to listen to Holly sing Adele‘s “Turning Tables.” Badly. Sigh. Holly, please stop singing. Really. Please. I’m begging you. You just killed this song, and I don’t mean in a good way.

Sue’s tells Sandy she’s pissed that the hecklers were vanquished by Holly, and he promises to do better. (Also? Jacob’s car has a license plate that says, “Jew Fro.”)

Sandy goes back in, and Mercedes, touched by Rachel’s appeal, comes back in and goes onstage and sings Aretha’s “Ain’t No Way.” She nails it to the wall, but I can’t help but wondering where this painfully broke Glee Club got the resources to hire the gospel choir that backs her up.

Mercedes also looked incredible in her blue sequins and high heels, and girl has some LEGS. We should see them more often.

Sandy, too, turns out to be a big fan, and gives her a standing ovation. So does everyone else.

Mercedes, glowing, runs off stage and tells Rachel it’s her turn to bring the house down. Rachel says the house has already been brought down, and no way is she going to follow that. It’s her highest compliment. I really like Rachel in this episode.

Holly and Will break up. Oh, and she says she might settle down some day but not with him because he’s in love with someone else — “And thanks to my counseling, she’s available now. And by the way, she’s totally into you, too.”

Will walks in and finds Sandy talking to the kids. He asks what he’s doing there, and Artie says that Sandy’s going to pay for the Brainiacs’ trip to the Smartypants’ finals in Detroit. “I tried to be a hater, but I just couldn’t do it,” Sandy says. “It’s drug money, but it’s actually a fantastic way to launder it.”

Sue is furious, and Sandy says, “Aretha Franklin is my kryptonite.”

Dustin’s also there, and she’s angry at him, too. He says that he got Sunshine to pull out of the benefit, and Will and Holly did end up breaking up, even if it wasn’t over him.

But Sue rejects his excuses, and says, “In my hour of need, Honey Badger, I turn to you. Your time has come.”

Terri smiles.

The closing scene has the Brainiacs at the finals, where the tie-breaking category is, “Hermaphrodite Nazi-sympathizers.”

And Artie and Brittany smile.

In conclusion, Glee, just be as good next week as the preview looks like you will be, and we’ll forget this episode ever happened.

Next page: #gaysharks Tweets.

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