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“Coronation Street” recap: The Duckworth Advances

Last time we talked about Corrie, I forgot to tell you that Kevin made a pass at Sally after they found out Sophie wasn’t going to die from falling off that church roof. (I love recapping this show; where else can you write sentences like that and have them be absolutely true?) As soon as Sally’s lips touched Kevin’s she remembered the taste of cheating bastard and the shock of SECRET BABIES, so she hopped right up and Sallyed around the house, stomping and shouting and full-on shimmying in her fury.

It’s Monday morning on Coronation Street, and Sophie and Sian have just popped out for some milk where they apparently ran into Rosie, who wants get an early morning start on planning the logistics of Kevin and Sally’s impending divorce. Sophie says Sally is entitled to half of the Webster’s assets and Rosie agrees, but also thinks maybe they don’t have to let Kevin know that’s what they want. Because, see, if Kevin ends up with everything, they don’t want to have alienated him with their sense of, like, fairness and justice, because if you think he is mature enough to value those things above sheer blind loyalty, you haven’t met Kevin Webster. Also, if you think he won’t let his own children stave or be homeless or wander around drunk in the middle of the day, up, up, up to the top of a building – you still don’t know Kevin Webster.

Sophie goes, “That’s really Slytherin-y of you, sis.” And Rosie’s like, “Maybe. But there’s a reason Draco Malfoy was the best dressed student at Hogwarts.” And Sian’s face is my favorite thing happening today, in response to this Sorting Hat discussion, and also just – everything else that happens in this episode.  

Their argument is stopped short when they see Sally holding an absolutely enormous bouquet of flowers sent (presumably!) from Jeff. Tyrone wanders by talking about how her prefers some kind of Big Bacon Sandwich to flowers (so do I, good sir; so do I), and then Sally gets a call from her solicitor telling her she’s hopeful about the money. Sophie literally goes, “Yeah, so’s Rosie!” And then she laughs and Sian laughs and my heart is as warm as Christmas morning.

You know whose heart isn’t as warm as Christmas morning? Sally’s. ‘Cause those flowers weren’t from Jeff; they were from Kevin. She actually tries to shove them up his arse. You’d think he’d learn his lesson, but Kevin’s thing is not learning his lesson, so he sends her a new car next, and if she could lift it with her bare hands, Sally would have probably tried to shove that up his arse too.

OK, everybody, pay attention! See this new boy:

He’s about to concoct some plans that involve a little lesbian whose plaid shirt collection is only eclipsed by an enchanting laugh and a winning smirk. Some plans that are going to carry him all the way through the summer.

The new boy stops by Sophie’s corner shop for some snacks and some mild flirting. She’s surly with him, even for Sophie, but it gets him going until she short-changes him. He says he paid with a 20; she insists he paid with a 10. She’s like, “That usually works for you, does it? Flash that handsome smile and hypnotize the till girl into giving you 10 pounds? Not here, wanker.” He’s like, “You think I have a handsome smile? So do I! So does everyone!” Sophie hates him pretty good already, but then she hates him more when she realizes he did pay with a 20, and she’s going to hate him even more in about six minutes.

The new boy stops by Tyrone’s place, and when Sian sees him standing there, she says he’d probably have better luck at the garage or the cafe. He tries the garage and gets into a little scuffle with Kevin about how maybe Kevin shouldn’t be shouting out his divorce business on his mobile in the middle of the road while expecting everyone else to be quiet. Kevin offers to smack him in the gob, and just go ahead and start counting. Offers of face-punches: One.

The new boy heads over to the cafe looking for Tyrone, but really looking for Sian, who is somehow getting more and more adorable by the second. He says he’s glad to see her face on account of benevolant people seem to be thin on the ground in Weatherfield.

Sian: Oh yeah?

New Boy: Yeah. You’re the only one that’s given me the time of day. Bloke in the garage gave me a mouthful. And then, girl in the shop? Right stropping mad.

Sian: [trying not to laugh] Really?

New Boy: Yeah. She short-changed me and then accused me of trying it on with her. I pity her boyfriend.

Sian: She hasn’t got one.

New Boy: That explains everything. How about you?

Sian: Nope. Can’t say that I have.

My cheeks are burning from grinning because I watched that scene about ten times in a row just now to transcribe it. Imagine the lesbian characters having an inside joke with the audience! What is this life?

The new boy wants to read Sian’s palm or something, and she’s having so much fun silently mocking him that she lets him. But first she says, “I swear if there’s any funny business, I’ll be giving you a palm right across the face.” Which: Offers of face-punches: Two! He talks some nonsense about her chi and she goes, “Am I supposed to be feeling something?” He says if she gives it time, she’ll definitely be feeling something, and she almost can’t contain her laughter anymore, because have you seen her girlfriend, mate? Sophie walks in and sees him holding her hand, and Sian really does almost actually explode with actual laughter because Sophie nearly clocks him without asking questions.

Sophie goes, “What the hell is going on?” And new boy tells her to bugger off. Kevin walks in just in time to hear it and is like, “Don’t speak to my daughter that way!” New boy’s brain is about to be stretched to the maths limit. First he puts two and two together: The Weatherfield Welcoming Committee are father and daughter. And then Sophie’s like, “Unhand my girlfriend, you fiend!” And new boy doesn’t know if that’s addition or subtraction or multiplication or what. His brain whirs around for a second and the he says, “What a waste.”

He clarifies that he doesn’t think it’s a waste that Sian’s a lesbian; he thinks it’s a waste that she’s with Sophie. And then Kevin jumps in with the third and final threat of physical violence of the day: “Are you looking for a slap?! Apologize or we’re taking this outside!” Offers of face-punches: Three! In five minutes of screen time! New boy, you are trouble!

Sian spots Tyrone and sends new boy on his way, but new boy is about to get a name. He introduces himself to Tyrone as Tommy Duckworth. And if you’re not a long time viewer, let me tell it to you like this: Tommy Duckworth is the grandson of Jack Duckworth. Jack Duckworth was the father figure to ol’ Tyrone. Such a father figure, in fact, that Tyrone and Molly named SECRET BABY after him. SECRET BABY JACK! WHOSE NAMESAKE IS NOW DEAD!

The music goes dun! dun! dun!, and the last thing you hear is Sophie, all, “Sweetheart, I really think you ought to wash your hands.”

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