A father-son discussion — It’s another bright and sun-filled day in Los Angeles. Doug and Brian are sitting outside on the wraparound deck at Sky Sport, breathing in the fresh L.A. haze and rehashing the fight at Jackie’s house party last week. For those of you missed that episode or didn’t read my recap (and if so, why the hell not?) Doug threw down with Jackie because they both have egos the size of Jupiter.
Jackie believes deep in her soul that Brian would be unemployed were it not for her bowling ball-like glutes and, ergo, her incredibly successful gym. Brian, who frequently likens his hands to that of Michelangelo’s, knows in his heart he don’t need no stinking Jackie.
Doug, who frequently plays the role of mediator, best friend and ambassador — and in Brian’s case, a father figure — agrees that Brian had a right to be angry when Jackie said to him, “I’ve, like, only built my whole empire and hired you on my body,” but storming out of the party was, perhaps, a bit over the top.
Brian reveals a little something about himself to Doug:
Are there any normal people on this show?
Doug suggests Brian “call her on it all,” and suddenly, I’m not so sure he’s a peace-maker so much as a s— stirrer. Brian takes Doug’s fatherly advice and agrees to talk to Jackie as long as Doug is there to keep him from ripping Jackie’s head off.
Step into my office — Brian goes to see Jackie in her office, and after saying he’s still a little mad, he also admits to her that no, he can’t take a joke. When she teased him about not being a “real bodybuilder,” he not only didn’t laugh, he probably wanted to smash something like, oh, say, her face. Jackie coolly apologizes for hurting his feelings and suggests they let it go and move on. They shake on it, sort of. It’s one of those lame-o handshakes where one person turns their palm downward, like a girl. I think I know which one here is the girl.
Welcome to hell — It’s the first day of Skylab, Jackie’s new fitness boot camp. The class meets out on the deck, where Jackie gives them a pep talk about this “fantastic opportunity to really, really see a life change.” You have got to hand it to Jackie — she knows when two reallys are enough. No need to oversell it.
The class, you may recall, consists of Tess (from last season), a lesbian couple, five other women and one token man. They have varying amounts of weight to lose, but they all feel an urgency to do so. This is just my opinion, but as lesbians, I think it’s our duty to stay fit and healthy. Before you get your panties in a twist, consider this: Gay people don’t roll off the factory line with the same frequency as straight people. We need to live as long as possible to keep our numbers up. There is no such thing as a severely overweight old person.
Anyway, Jackie’s got the group doing lunges, jumping jacks and the like to gauge their fitness level. Everyone’s on their toes and elbows, holding their bodies up in an inverted V position. She wants them to hold their body weight up for 40 seconds. Laurie, the “self-conscious” girl who’s not above showing off her massive cleavage, can’t hold the position.
Jackie says the last 5 seconds of an exercise are where all the muscly goodness lives. So when you cheat, like Laurie did in the last 2 seconds, you might as well hang yourself. Jeez, ease up, Generalissimo. It’s the first day. Don’t kill ass-chest girl just yet.
Tess — Having previously had the Jackie Warner Experience, Tess was hoping to hit the ground running at Skylab, but her bad knee is slowing her down. Her trainer, Gregg, is a good listener and watchful of her leg. He senses her frustration, but looks forward to “watching her grow.” I think he meant to say “shrink.”