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“Work Out” Recaps: Episode 203

A father-son discussion – It’s another bright and sun-filled day in Los Angeles. Doug and Brian are sitting outside on the wraparound deck at Sky Sport, breathing in the fresh L.A. haze and rehashing the fight at Jackie’s house party last week. For those of you missed that episode or didn’t read my recap (and if so, why the hell not?) Doug threw down with Jackie because they both have egos the size of Jupiter.

Jackie believes deep in her soul that Brian would be unemployed were it not for her bowling ball-like glutes and, ergo, her incredibly successful gym. Brian, who frequently likens his hands to that of Michelangelo’s, knows in his heart he don’t need no stinking Jackie.

Doug, who frequently plays the role of mediator, best friend and ambassador – and in Brian’s case, a father figure – agrees that Brian had a right to be angry when Jackie said to him, “I’ve, like, only built my whole empire and hired you on my body,” but storming out of the party was, perhaps, a bit over the top.

Brian reveals a little something about himself to Doug:

Brian: I have a really bad temper. Growing up as a kid, I had a lot of anger issues. I used to be very violently angry towards my mother, my father, and I just had a lot of issues. … They sent me to a psychiatrist to try to handle these problems. And I’ve suppressed it and learned to deal with it from, like, 17 on. Last night brought it out. I felt myself becoming violent. So that’s why I shut down. That’s why I got so cold at you.

Are there any normal people on this show?

Doug suggests Brian “call her on it all,” and suddenly, I’m not so sure he’s a peace-maker so much as a s— stirrer. Brian takes Doug’s fatherly advice and agrees to talk to Jackie as long as Doug is there to keep him from ripping Jackie’s head off.

Step into my office – Brian goes to see Jackie in her office, and after saying he’s still a little mad, he also admits to her that no, he can’t take a joke. When she teased him about not being a “real bodybuilder,” he not only didn’t laugh, he probably wanted to smash something like, oh, say, her face. Jackie coolly apologizes for hurting his feelings and suggests they let it go and move on. They shake on it, sort of. It’s one of those lame-o handshakes where one person turns their palm downward, like a girl. I think I know which one here is the girl.

Welcome to hell – It’s the first day of Skylab, Jackie’s new fitness boot camp. The class meets out on the deck, where Jackie gives them a pep talk about this “fantastic opportunity to really, really see a life change.” You have got to hand it to Jackie – she knows when two reallys are enough. No need to oversell it.

The class, you may recall, consists of Tess (from last season), a lesbian couple, five other women and one token man. They have varying amounts of weight to lose, but they all feel an urgency to do so. This is just my opinion, but as lesbians, I think it’s our duty to stay fit and healthy. Before you get your panties in a twist, consider this: Gay people don’t roll off the factory line with the same frequency as straight people. We need to live as long as possible to keep our numbers up. There is no such thing as a severely overweight old person.

Anyway, Jackie’s got the group doing lunges, jumping jacks and the like to gauge their fitness level. Everyone’s on their toes and elbows, holding their bodies up in an inverted V position. She wants them to hold their body weight up for 40 seconds. Laurie, the “self-conscious” girl who’s not above showing off her massive cleavage, can’t hold the position.

Jackie: Laurie kept failing. … When you are in the last 2 seconds of finishing an exercise, and that’s when you choose to cheat and fail, that means that you have long way to go in terms of your personality and inner strength.

Jackie says the last 5 seconds of an exercise are where all the muscly goodness lives. So when you cheat, like Laurie did in the last 2 seconds, you might as well hang yourself. Jeez, ease up, Generalissimo. It’s the first day. Don’t kill ass-chest girl just yet.

Tess – Having previously had the Jackie Warner Experience, Tess was hoping to hit the ground running at Skylab, but her bad knee is slowing her down. Her trainer, Gregg, is a good listener and watchful of her leg. He senses her frustration, but looks forward to “watching her grow.” I think he meant to say “shrink.”

Night at the freak museum – Well, look who’s come over to Jackie’s new house. It’s Rebecca. Jackie just moved, and her house is still almost devoid of furniture. Rebecca pours some bubbly for herself, and Jackie and sits opposite her in one of two stand-alone chairs. They look like they’re on a talk show. I think Mimi got the couch in the divorce.

Jackie sticks out one Jimmy Choo strappy-heeled foot at Rebecca.

Jackie: Take my shoe off.

Rebecca: Ooh, I’ve never touched a Choo before.

Jackie: [laughs]

Rebecca: These are really sexy. I might have to try these on. What size are you?

Jackie: Eight.

Rebecca: Oh, they won’t fit. You have such a pretty foot.

Jackie: Thank you.

Rebecca: If I had a foot fetish, I would be in heaven right now.

Jackie: That would be your thing? Now these …

And as she says it, Jackie slips on a pair of pink, fuzzy slippers and rests them on the edge of Rebecca’s chair. They are filthy.

Jackie: Now these are good times. You’ve seen these many times.

Rebecca: I actually think that looks good with [your outfit].

Jackie: Dirty pink slippers? You think it’s a look?

Rebecca: I think it’s tasty. It’s not too dry.

Are we still talking about dirty pink slippers?

Jackie: You mean it’s not too fruity?

Rebecca: No, I like it fruity. Is it dry?

Are we talking about Jackie now?

Jackie: Yeah, it’s very dry. It’s brut.

Rebecca: Ew. I hate it dry.

Jackie: Well, you love this. Maybe you’re kind of changing your mind about a lot of things you thought you were going to hate?

Rebecca: Could be …

What the hee-el is going on? Rebecca seems uncharacteristically nervous. Is it because she’s starting to get crushy on Jackie, or is it because this is the worst flirting in the history of dating?

The next words out of Rebecca’s mouth are, “I think your dogs stink.” I want to meet the person who edits this show and shake their hand.

Jackie says matter-of-factly that she never washes her dogs because she likes the smell. They smell like dirty seashells or corn chips. Rebecca offers that Jackie might want to consider her guests once in a while. So naturally, Jackie asks Rebecca if she would be interested in washing her dogs. Please tell me we aren’t still talking about her feet.

Thankfully, they are talking about Jackie’s two Chihuahuas. Rebecca tries to be the Dog Whisperer, and it works for all of three seconds before the little terror nips at her. Jackie picks them up and carries them into the bathroom.

They give the dogs their baths, and that concludes the evening. Have you ever spent an evening this way?

The night shift – Whenever Jackie is off acting weird around girls, someone is working at the gym. Tonight, Gregg and Zen are on the clock.

Gregg tells Zen he got into a little trouble at a New Year’s Eve house party three years ago. Someone said something racist. One thing led to another, and Gregg ended up punching a guy in the face. Too bad he hadn’t met Brian yet. Brian could’ve explained how to storm out of a house party instead.

Zen learns that Gregg has to go to court and wants her to go with him for emotional support. And possibly bring some bail money.

All Zen – who is white, mind you – can say is, “Hold yourself to a higher standard.” Well, thank you, Dismissy Elliott. Of course Gregg should not have hit a guy, even if he was a bigot, but unless you know how it feels to be the target of racism, you can’t understand how strong the urge is to pummel the bastard. The only thing that’s kept me from hitting someone is the knowledge I’m not femme enough to be a prison dyke’s bitch, and I can’t poop with other people in the room.

Gregg’s disappointed Zen doesn’t have his back and is being all logical and crap about the law. He tells her his courtroom strategy:

Gregg: If he’s going to act like an a–hole, then I’m not going to apologize to him. And that’s my principle.

Zen: Good luck.

That’s it? I expected more from Zen, frankly.

More therapy for Jackie – Jackie’s back at counselor Dr. Shirley Impellizzeri’s office. The last time we were here, we witnessed the end of the Jackie-and-Mimi era. The doctor asks Jackie if she’s talked to … and she trails off, never saying Mimi’s name. Does she not remember her name? Is she afraid to say her name? Does saying the name “Mimi” aloud bring forth a plague of locusts?

The doctor can’t hide her surprise when Jackie says no, she has not heard from you-know-who. Jackie shrugs and says she’s moved on and doesn’t miss anything about that relationship.

Dr. Shirley: What are some of the things that you would look for in another relationship?

Jackie: Well, when I actually start thinking about another relationship, I’m looking forward to being in that place because I think I’m going to pick a person that’s amazing.

Dr. Shirley: Uh huh. Why do you think that?

Jackie: Because I’m ready for a person that’s amazing. I’m very conscious of what I want in another human being now, and what I really don’t want.

Jackie has a woman who’s willing to touch her nasty feet and give her nasty dogs a bath, all while never putting her champagne glass down. That’s pretty damn amazing.

Dr. Shirley asks Jackie if she’s done any socializing, and Jackie looks her dead in the eye and lies, “No.” Clue number one she knows she’s up to no good. Heh. The doc recommends that Jackie call up her posse and spend some quality time with the girls.

Doug’s big challenge – Doug says his biggest challenge is Skylab rat Laurie, who weighs about 275 pounds. He tells her it’s going to be tough, but she’s up for it.

Laurie: I remember my dad telling me that I needed to lose weight because if I didn’t, no man was going to want to marry a fat girl. I must have been 6 years old.

That’s child abuse. And you know what? I bet her dad is tipping the scales at over 300 pounds. I love a double standard. If I see one more sitcom with a fat, stupid slob married to a smart, pretty, thin woman, I’m going to find Kevin James and kick him in the ‘nads.

Doug gives Laurie a pep talk and tells her he wants to be her best friend. Fat straight girls and gay men – when does that not work?

Two lesbians and a Rabbi walk into a bar – Zen is not just a trainer. No, ma’am. She’s also a stand-up comedian. Zen announces to the staff she has a show at the Laugh Factory, a comedy club in L.A. She has no idea what she’s going to say, but they’re all invited.

Amateur comedians: the verbal version of karaoke. But rarely as funny.

But first – Zen is not the only one with multiple skill sets. Jackie wants Jesse, who is also a chef, to work with the Skylab rats on their diet. Learning portion control, proper preparation, the virtues of fresh fruits and veggies – it’s all part of the Skylab experience. But Jackie goes too far when she tells Jesse she wants the group to eschew sugar during the week. I know from the one anatomy and physiology class I took (by accident) in college that starch turns to sugar the minute it hits your saliva. This diet is going to suck ass.

Jesse tells the Sugar Domme that he’s all about being organic. Sugar Domme wants the groups to stay at 1,300 calories per day. Whew. There’s going to be a lot of clients fainting all over Sky Sport next week.

Play date with a friend – Jackie takes Dr. Shirley’s advice and calls her friend Tiffany, a petite woman with brown hair who Jackie met two years ago when she and Mimi were on one of their many “breaks.” The friendship became romantic. Jackie states humbly that she “made such an impact” on Tiffany because she was the only woman she ever dated. Jackie Warner, Proud Toaster Oven Owner.

Back when they first hooked up, Jackie reports, Tiffany had an issue about what we can only guess was her burgeoning gayness. Now that’s it’s been two years and Jackie’s single, Tiffany is back and ready to play. I don’t think this is what the doctor ordered. When dealing with lesbians, she really should be more specific when advising patients to spend time with their friends.

Jackie and Tiffany go to – of all places – the batting cages. And for the first time, we see that Jackie Warner actually sucks at something. Swing after swing, Jackie misses the ball by a mile and a day. She couldn’t hit a ball if it were attached to Brian Peeler.

Jackie: Damn it!

Tiffany: Don’t get frustrated. Just breathe.

Jackie: Phew.

Tiffany: You look sexy.

Jackie: Well, I’m not feeling sexy. I’m feeling irritated. I hate sucking at things.

Tiffany: Stick your butt out.

Jackie: I got my ass out!

The “stick your butt out” part has nothing to do with batting stance. That was probably Tiffany being dirty.

Tiffany turns out to be a pro. She nails every pitch. I’m starting to think this afternoon was her idea. Jackie looks like she’s going to spit.

Steamed carrots taste just like lasagna – Jackie and Jesse bring the Skylab group to a cooking class to learn how to prepare the air they’ll be eating for the next few weeks. Jackie’s breakfast shake consists of frozen berries, weird powders, liquid amoebas, flax seed, toadstools and magic beans. It may look gross, but it does taste like poopy. There are only so many ways to cook white-meat chicken. Tess has her own method, which consists of drowning her chicken breast in oil. Yum.

What did we learn in this scene? Nothing.

Slumber party! – Jackie continues following Dr. Shirley’s advice and throws a slumber party for some “good, clean fun.” Yeah, right. In walks Rebecca, wearing PJ bottoms and carrying her pillow. Erika comes in dragging a big box behind her. She’s brought her comforter from home. This girl didn’t have many friends as a kid, did she?

Feeling one-upped by some of Jackie’s other hot friends, Rebecca changes from her flannel jammies into a sheer nightgown that she claims belonged to her grandmother. Apparently, Rebecca’s grandmother was a prostitute.

Jackie has a surprise for everyone. She’s invited a sex-toy rep to show her wares. Nice. I wait for Rebecca to announce she already owns everything on the table except the kiwi-flavored dental dam, but sadly, she doesn’t.

Actually, Jackie tells the toy lady that the room is almost 50 percent lesbian. She counts herself, her two friends and Rebecca. Zen and Erika look uncomfortable. Rebecca clarifies that she’s “on the fence.” Erika twitters nervously that she doesn’t know what’s going on with Jackie and Rebecca and doesn’t get it.

(Incidentally, Jackie’s two friends are Carole Antouri and Nikki Weiss, who were on the Oprah episode dealing with lesbians coming out of a straight marriage. More evidence that all lesbians know each other!)

Zen gets pressured into modeling some fugly lingerie. Jackie is in full-on horndog mode and drools Zen a compliment about her nice ass. And just when I think it can’t get any more inappropriate, Jackie and Rebecca disappear behind a closed door to apply some kind of arousal oil called “Sensual Explosion” to their hoo-has. From behind the door, we can hear Jackie and Rebecca consulting each other.

Rebecca: I don’t feel anything, do you?

Jackie: No …

Rebecca: Are we supposed to rub it more, maybe?

Jackie: All right.

Rebecca: Mine’s pretty rubbed.

Dear God, are the children asleep?

Jackie and Rebecca emerge from the powder room, walking like they have yeast infections. Toy lady assures them the oil works if they “wiggle.” Zen assures Rebecca she can’t help her with that.

Not that it matters after last night – The next day, Gregg tells Zen his happy news: His case was dismissed. Zen apologizes for not sounding as supportive as she could have. Gregg is instantly appeased and tells her, “You look great.” Men are so fricking easy.

Laugh, damn it – It’s Zen big debut at the comedy club. Everyone’s there, which Zen wanted, because her entire act is about them. This has “train wreck” written all over it.

She invites the 10 people in the audience to “meet Jackie Warner,” and Jackie looks like she’s going to swallow her tongue. The room also learns that Erika has a great rack and Rebecca has a great crack. Jesse gets a terrible chef/trainer joke. Gregg thinks Zen’s act is good, mostly because he lost all sense of reason when he fell for her.

The big show, however, is Jackie and Rebecca, who are all snuggly-wuggly at the table. Brian wants to believe it’s because the room is cold. Andre doesn’t understand. Erika is very confused. Zen keeps babbling valiantly on stage, but all eyes are on the lovebirds. Rebecca says it was their “coming-out party,” and it felt totally normal and natural. For you, maybe.

Coming out – After Zen’s show, Jackie and her girlfriend and the others go across the street for sushi. Everyone is too wigged out to eat. Rebecca plays with her chopsticks, and Jackie looks on adoringly. Jesse calls Rebecca out. Everyone’s talking at once.

Jackie: Jesse, why are you so bothered by it?

Jesse: Well, I am a little. I’m weirded out by it. Because it’s like all of a sudden.

Rebecca: It’s not all of a sudden.

Jesse: It is all of a sudden.

Jackie: It’s not all of a sudden.

Rebecca: The sexual tension has been building …

Jesse: [to Jackie] You tell me everything, and all of a sudden, you didn’t tell me anything about Miss Rebecca all up in your grill.

Jesse has a point. Jackie didn’t say anything to him, and she would have if it were anyone else. Clue number two.

Jackie thinks Jesse’s drama is pure jealousy. She and Rebecca run to the front of the restaurant to discuss.

Jackie: What the hell is the matter with those guys?

Rebecca: [whispering] I don’t know!

Jackie: I had no idea that they would be this judgmental and bizarre. What’s your take?

Rebecca: I don’t know. What’s your take?

Jackie: [fondling Rebecca’s hands] Just freaked out by them … their judgments.

Rebecca: Why are you letting them freak you out?

Jackie: Because of their judgments.

Rebecca: That’s not like you.

Jackie: I know it’s not, but I work with these people.

Holy maki roll, now she’s worried she works with these guys?

Brian is incensed. It’s an outrage. If anyone is going to act inappropriately and unpredictably, it damn well better be him and no one else.

Rebecca wants to know if Jackie wants her too back off. Jackie drags out a “Nnnnn …” but can’t say no because she’s Jackie Warner. Rebecca looks coyly down at her shoes and pouts. She is pushing all the right Jackie Buttons. Jackie won’t let go of Rebecca’s hands. She pulls her closer.

Jackie: I was feeling really good and then that floored me. I’m not going to lie.

Rebecca: OK.

Jackie: All that judgment and you know, “You’re a professional and dah dah dah …” Because these are all feelings that I’ve been feeling, so it’s a little weird.

Rebecca: OK, I can respect that.

Rebecca thinks they should go back to the table and sit with the others, but Jackie has a different idea. She pulls Rebecca to her, draws her in, and they share a long, lingering kiss.

Check, please.

Zen walks into the restaurant late but just in time to see Jackie and Rebecca are no longer kissing sweetly. Jackie has her arms wrapped about Rebecca’s body and they’re making out like there’s no tomorrow.

Next week on Work Out: Rebecca and Jackie rethink their choices and decide to act like professionals. The guys are fully supportive and not at all threatened. Also, hell freezes over.

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