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“Coronation Street” recap: Coming Home

Pop quiz: Your child just fell from a roof and nearly died. How long should you wait before trying to make her climb back up and jump?

Answer: Four minutes! Nice one, Kevin and Sally!

Sophie’s in the hospital recovering from her fall. She’s lucky to be alive, which Kevin and Sally acknowledge while cooing over her bed. Then Sally finds out that Kevin choose to pick up Baby Jack from the child-minder’s instead of tending to his publicly drunk daughter the day she tipped over the edge of the church and almost plummeted to her death. And so it’s Webster War XII up in there, and Sally even says out loud the name of the conniving harlot who set this whole thing in motion: Molly Dobbs! May she never rest in peace! Probably her ghost pushed Sophie off that church, if you want to know the truth!

Sophie just sort of folds into herself in her hospital bed, and then Sian does the thing I’ve been waiting for her to do for months: She SNAPS. Like, you can hear it when she hops up out of her chair, the way her resolve just cracks!. Her girlfriend almost died, and she’s the only one who seems to be taking it seriously. I think if Sophie had been asleep, or if her hospital bed hadn’t been in the way, Sian might have literally beat the s–t out of one or both of these goons.

She screams at them to stop screaming, for starters; Sophie’s brain is still rattling around inside her skull. And then she tells them to grow up and start acting like parents, and maybe – if they’re not too busy with their torrid dating lives and smug secret babies – they might try talking to Sophie about some things. Like maybe how she’s not going to end up homeless. Or how God doesn’t hate her guts. Simple stuff to keep her from scaling any more buildings.

Sally and Kevin are contrite. Sian’s right, they think: They are acting like a pair of adolescent prats. That is a lie. I am lying. They tell Sian they will not be lectured by a child.

Seriously, man. Kevin and Sally are both like these hybrid Skins/Jane Austen parents. The height of absurdity and selfishness. I really do want Sian to slap both of them in the face, at least once.

It’s not all bad at the hospital, though. Sian takes some time to read the tabloids out loud to Sophie, and she promises Sophie that she loves her, and even asks if she can move back in to take care of her.

Sophie and Sian’s pastor visits, too. And the first thing he says is that God loves Sophie. It gets right to the heart of the thing, and when he says God saved her to give her a second chance, you can tell he’s not talking about the gay thing. He’s talking about the cider and the skipping college and fury at the whole entire world. He invites her and Sian back to choir, just as they are, because how they are is how God made them.

The hospital in Weatherfield is a miracle machine. Sophie fell off of a building and she’s ready to go home the next day. And remember that time Sian’s appendix ruptured and they removed it at lunch and sent her home in time for tea? Like Madam Pomfrey’s the chief of staff over there. Anyway, at home, Sally fusses over Sophie and says she can take off time from work or stop shagging Rosie’s agent or whatever Sophie needs to feel better. What Sophie needs to feel better is some alone time with Sian, so they send Sally off to her job and then out for drinks repeatedly with Jeff so they can have the place to themselves.

On her second night back home, Sian makes them some dinner and tells Sophie she feels like she has her back. Not just from the hospital, but back to being her Sophie, the one who wasn’t a binge-drinking, college-skipping jealous lunatic whose only ambition was to see how many days she could go without showering. Sophie says she found her way home, and that she’s pretty sure God performed a miracle to save her.

Sian smiles indulgently at her ’cause that’s her Sophie for sure, with her big heart and her big faith and her look that says she can conquer anything – even gravity – as long as they fight together.

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