“Coronation Street” recap: Coming Home

Pop quiz: Your child just fell from a roof and nearly died. How long should you wait before trying to make her climb back up and jump?

Answer: Four minutes! Nice one, Kevin and Sally!

Sophie’s in the hospital recovering from her fall. She’s lucky to be alive, which Kevin and Sally acknowledge while cooing over her bed. Then Sally finds out that Kevin choose to pick up Baby Jack from the child-minder’s instead of tending to his publicly drunk daughter the day she tipped over the edge of the church and almost plummeted to her death. And so it’s Webster War XII up in there, and Sally even says out loud the name of the conniving harlot who set this whole thing in motion: Molly Dobbs! May she never rest in peace! Probably her ghost pushed Sophie off that church, if you want to know the truth!

Sophie just sort of folds into herself in her hospital bed, and then Sian does the thing I’ve been waiting for her to do for months: She SNAPS. Like, you can hear it when she hops up out of her chair, the way her resolve just cracks!. Her girlfriend almost died, and she ‘s the only one who seems to be taking it seriously. I think if Sophie had been asleep, or if her hospital bed hadn’t been in the way, Sian might have literally beat the s–t out of one or both of these goons.

She screams at them to stop screaming, for starters; Sophie’s brain is still rattling around inside her skull. And then she tells them to grow up and start acting like parents, and maybe — if they’re not too busy with their torrid dating lives and smug secret babies — they might try talking to Sophie about some things. Like maybe how she’s not going to end up homeless. Or how God doesn’t hate her guts. Simple stuff to keep her from scaling any more buildings.

Sally and Kevin are contrite. Sian’s right, they think: They are acting like a pair of adolescent prats. That is a lie. I am lying. They tell Sian they will not be lectured by a child.

Seriously, man. Kevin and Sally are both like these hybrid Skins/Jane Austen parents. The height of absurdity and selfishness. I really do want Sian to slap both of them in the face, at least once.

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