“Glee” Episode 215 Recap: “Everybody’s Got a Random!”

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I’ve made six or seven attempts at getting this recap

started, and I keep deleting them and starting over. Because, somehow, I think I

turned back into a 16-year-old girl with a broken heart because the girl who

said she loved me is going out with a boy.

If you didn’t watch, I’m talking about Santana Lopez, who broke every expectation I had of what this

episode would be about, and told Brittany she

loved her and wanted to be with her.

Is there anyone reading this who thought that would happen?

Even one single person? Because if you did, please tell me right now what’s

going to happen with the economy, because you’re definitely psychic.

And it’s not like this episode’s gay was all girl-on-girl,

either. Kurt and Blaine had their moments, and Kurt and

his dad had one of the best father-son sex talks in the history of television.

And hey, thinking about Kurt’s sex-hands-tiger-paws has made me laugh enough to

stop this meandering, bloviating introduction and tell you what the heck

happened on Glee last night.

It’s like this: Holly

Holliday
(Gwyneth Paltrow) is back,

this time as a substitute sex ed teacher. Will‘s

totally happy, but Emma, not so much

– ostensibly because Holly is all gung ho on accepting that teens will be

sexually active while Emma is the new leader of the Celibacy Club, but I

suspect it has more to do with the way Will’s face lit up when he saw her. Just

a hunch.

Emma asks Holly why she doesn’t think celibacy is a valid

choice for teens, and Holly says she thinks it’s a valid choice, “I just

don’t think it’s realistic. You know, it’s like saying vegetarianism is an

option for lions.”

Will laughed way too hard. Emma noticed.

Will stopped laughing when Holly said some of the Glee Club

kids were “the most clueless.” Cut to a scene in sex ed class, where

we discover that Finn and Mercedes think cucumbers can “give

you AIDS.”

Emma objects again, saying that kids don’t need to be

bombarded with sexual information, but should be taught that it’s serious

stuff, “not for kids and not for adults.” Yeah. The anvil school of

foreshadowing is strong in the Glee

writers.

So, for those who haven’t been following every word I write

about this show with breathless and rapt attention, or who don’t use Twitter, Glee producer Brad Falchuk tweeted a few weeks ago that this is the episode were

we’d realize that “Brittana is on. Brittana was always on.”

I didn’t know what that meant, but I figured we’d get some

kind of explanation of where their relationship had been since the scene in

“Duets” when Santana flounced out of bed with Brittany

and pretty much slammed the door on any kind of emotional connection between

the two of them — and Brittany

started dating Artie.

So, the next scene was, I thought, the “it” we’d

been waiting for.

Brittany

is putting something in her locker (adorned with one of her promo pics in a

Cheerios uniform, amusingly framed as being the cover of

Cheerleading magazine) when Santana walks up to her, smiling.

“Hey, Britt-Britt, how about you and I popping in some Sweet Valley High this evening and get our cuddle on?”

“Britt-Britt.” That’s just precious.

Brittany

gives her a sweet, sad look. “Look, I’d really like to get my sweet lady

kisses on, but I haven’t been feeling very sexy lately. I think I have a bun in

the oven. Please don’t tell anyone, especially Artie.”

Before Santana can finish saying, “Your secret’s safe

with me,” everyone in the school knows – including Artie.

So, I thought that was it. I wasn’t totally happy with it,

but it was basically what I was expecting. I mean, not that Brittany was

pregnant, but I’d seen it leaked that she really wasn’t, so I sort of ignored

that. No, I mean that little attempted seduction, and the clear indication

that, despite the fact that Brittany

was dating Artie, she was also still at least making out with Santana. And

that, I figured, was that.

I was so wrong.

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