“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.19): Snog-o-rama!

Last week Keegan Allen (the guy who plays Boo Radley Van Cullen) tweeted to say this week’s episode of Pretty Little Liars was his favorite. And then Marlene King retweeted Keegan Allen’s tweet. And then ABC Family retweeted Marlene King’s retweet of Keegan Allen’s tweet, and I was like, “Who do you kill this week, Boo? Who do you kill?” But it wasn’t murder that made it his favorite at all. No, it was his favorite because he got to: a) kiss Spencer, after b) hearing her morning voice, after c) being the little spoon to her big spoon all night long. I will not throw a firecracker at your head, good sir. (But I almost will.)

There’s this sort of unwritten law in TV Land that the last three episodes of the season should be a fizz-popping, gut-punching arc of epic epicness, which usually means the fourth-to-last episode is pure filler. You know, so you can catch your breath before the Apocalypse. What Marlene King did with her filler episode is phenomenal in the fan-ficiest way possible. The plot inched forward, but no one’s talking about that. The thing everyone’s talking about is how last night’s episode was the snogathon of the century, a shipper’s solace, a pash paradise! (That Australian slang is for you, JennaBot!)

The PLLs all take a turn in the Rosewood PD interrogation room because of that time they accidentally tried to pass off rat blood as Alison’s blood. (Which: same/same, really.) It’s nifty camera work: They morph into each other over and over again, just lying their balls off. “Psh, no. Spencer never engaged in any inappropriate behavior with Ian. Why would you ask that? Ha! Ha ha ha! Ludicrous! Inconceivable! Unthinkable! Seriously, no.”

My favorite part of the whole shebang is when Emily says, “Spencer called Hilton Head.” Like that just settles everything. “Spencer called New York, OK?” “Spencer called Shanghai.”

When Spencer wakes up the next morning, her mom and dad are hovered over her holding a straight jacket and some electro-nodes from one of those insane asylum movies of yore. Her mom’s like, “Sorry you’re such a big fat liar.” And her dad’s like, “Also sorry. Our fault, really, for not understanding that the brutal murder of one of your best friends might have bummed you out to a sociopathic degree.” Ian appears, too, on Melissa’s arm, and he’s like, “I forgive you. Go in peace.”

Instead, Spencer goes in a rage to the local motel with Boo Radley Van Cullen. He’s going to stay there for a couple of days because his parents are out of town and JennaBot has reached a new level of creepster. There’s that flute, for starters. She’s been acting some kind of superior since Watson’s little stint on Jeopardy. And anyway, her new upgrade includes a cock-blocking mechanism and things are just getting good with someone he’s not related to. Boo is lodged in room 215, conveniently placed next to room 214, known to one and all as The Room of Doom. They decide to stake out the joint. Boo provides the chin dimple. Spencer provides caffeine by the bucketful and every board game ever invented.

Boo makes the risky move of crushing Spencer at Scrabble. Risky because you never know how smart people are going to react to being outsmarted. Like, it either really turns them on. Or it makes them angry. Or it turns them on in an angry way, which is a whole other kind of treat. It works for Spencer though, really gets her going, so he asks if she prefers the top or the bottom. Her brain goes to a French place like, “Excusez-moi?!” He giggles and offers her one piece of his pajamas. (She’s a top, by the way.) Boo takes off his shirt, and she is just dazzled by his sparkly chest. They fall asleep in the same bed, wake up spooning, and then discover that “A” was just messing with them about Room 214. They kiss in the parking lot and talk about well, that was unexpected!, which is a dumber lie than the lie the Pretty Little Liars lied to the police. (I’m not bitter. Shut up. You are.)

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