“Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” mini-cap: Thus endeth the lesbian

My relationship with Spartacus: Gods of the Arena has been very much like the one with my last girlfriend. At first, I was enamored. Then I saw a few reddish flags, but the good times seemed to outweigh them – until a blood red flag popped up that was so huge and heavy that it obscured everything else. We had to break up.

Friday, Gods and I broke up.

I know that some of you have known Spartacus much longer than you’ve known me. You have to remain loyal. I understand. No hard feelings, I promise. But I want to explain what happened and I’m going to give details, so if you don’t want to know, move ye along.

Wait; first watch this video – for the good times.

Enough with the reminiscing. That was then, this is now.

The breakup was partly my fault, I know. When sex and violence are at the center of a relationship, you shouldn’t expect eternal love. But honestly, weren’t you hopeful, too? I mean, Gaia and Lucretia cared about each other — that was obvious. And Gaia was far more articulate in her admiration of Lucretia than Batman ever aspired to be, with lines like, “Venus blushes in her garden, shamed by such beauty.” Italian Shakespearean English is a beautiful language.

(BTW, if anyone can direct me to that garden she’s talking about, I would be eternally grateful.)

Still, we weren’t quite sure what Gaia was up to — until this week. Gaia needed a husband, to be sure, for security as well as protection. But when she agreed to seduce Tullius in order to keep him from causing further trouble for the House of Batiatus, we discovered that Gaia’s true motivation was quite simple: She loved Lucretia. And she ultimately gave her life showing it.

I have to tell you, when I saw Gaia dead on the floor, her head bashed in by Roman crime boss and psycho Tullius, that was the end for me.

It also was the end of Lucretia as we’ve known her in Gods and the beginning of the cutthroat Luc we know in Blood and Sand. Her innocence is gone; her mind is on revenge. And her dislike of father-in-law Titus is now fully formed hatred. If he’s smart, he’ll employ a taster to sample his next cup of honeyed wine.

I realize that Gods is somewhat reflective of the times. But seeing the slaves toss Gaia’s body off the landing like it was a bag of garbage brought the point home a little too sharply for my tastes. Worst of all, it made Xena cry.

Like every relationship, Gods did a lot right. It succeeded in making me care about Lucretia and Gaia, even beyond the hot sex. (Maybe.) And Lucy Lawless acted the hell out of the part, especially this episode. It was almost worth the shock just to see her expressions.

Almost. But not.

I will keep tabs on Spartacus: Gods of the Arena to find out when and how Lucretia disposes of Titus and Tullius. But Gods and I will no longer spend Friday nights together. I hope you understand. It’s not Gods, it’s me. And we’ll always have memories.

How do you feel about the breakup? Are you still on good terms with Gods?

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