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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.17): Homo Moze

Betrayal. A deep, abiding, sickening sense of heart-wrenching betrayal. That’s what I feel right now. You spend 17 episodes with someone, you think you know her. She tells you who she loves, you believe her. And then out of some kind of apocalyptic dust storm rises a potentially murderous maniac, and suddenly she doesn’t love who she said she loved? Despicable.

I am of course talking about me and Spencer Hastings and freakin’ creepin’ Boo Radley Van Cullen over here who knows French all of a sudden and doesn’t drop snow globes – SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST CLUMSY, OK?! THEY CAN’T HELP IT – and so now Spencer is ready to hop on his Harley and ride off to who knows where. Forks, Washington. When – and correct me if I’m wrong – Spencer has made it crystal clear over the course of this season that the person she really loves is me.

Sleuths are fickle, man. This is the last time I fall for one. I’m barely over Veronica Mars leaving me for Piz. I mean, seriously. Say his name. Say it out loud. Piz. Piz. Piz, Piz, Piz. It makes you want to throw a firecracker at someone’s face.

Let’s just talk about something else.

So, Hannah and Aria are still broken up. Aria’s just so darn mad that she can’t even contribute to the afternoon’s Scooby party. No, she doesn’t want any Scooby Snacks. No, she doesn’t want to help decipher Boo’s secret message. No, she doesn’t want to talk about it. And no, she’s not explaining why she beat up Minnie Mouse and stole her polka-dot dress. OK? Leave her alone! Hannah makes sad eyes at her as she storms out, but Aria’s like, “You’re gonna try to out-doe me? Bitch, please.”

At school the next day, Aria runs up to Hannah and crawls all over her like a puppy and licks her cheek and licks her nose and licks her ear and says, “I’msorryI’msorryI’msorryIloveyou.” And Hannah says the same. And they are girlfriends again. And just in time, too, ’cause hijinkis are a-happenin’.

Gilbert Blythe has, unsurprisingly, wooed the staff of Rosewood High, and all the teachers in the cafeteria are beating each other back with golf clubs trying to get a chance to go to a book signing with him. He’s like, “Ladies, ladies … Tickets for everyone!” And they swoon and sigh, and then they turn mean again when they realize it’s gonna be a fisticuffs to see who rides shotgun in his car.

In the middle of the mush, Mr. Moze (Paige’s dad) thunderclouds onto the scene demanding to see Coachprah. Gil intercepts him and calmly explains that Coachprah rules the world by day, and is only available for visits during swim practice. “It takes a lot of time to run a kingdom,” Gil says cheerfully. And Mr. Moze just starts wailing. “I know what’s going on at this school,” he says. “Oh, you bet your sweet Cylon, I know. It’s the Gay Agenda in here like in every other school in America. Gay teens get preferential treatment. They are revered, exalted, worshiped and adored. Do they go to class and do work like regular students? No, they do not. They have school-funded orgies in the principal’s office instead. And do they compete for spots on sports teams like normal heterosexual kids? No, they do not. Gay athletes get everything handed to them, too. LIKE THE GIANT GAY EMILY FIELDS WHO TOOK MY DAUGHTER’S SPOT ON THE SWIM TEAM!”

Gil’s like, “Look, my girlfriend is best friends with Emily, and I’m telling you: She’s just a really good swimmer with the sickest quads you’ve ever seen.” Just kidding, Gil clocks him. Just kidding again, Gil gets verbally firm and tells him to go.

Moze is embarrassed and Emily is sad.

But that’s only enemy number one. After Piper says, “Gil, Gil, Gil” about three hundred times, Byron decides to challenge Mr. Blythe to a good old fashioned duel to the death. Gil and Aria can’t even enjoy a good statutory makeout session because Byron keeps calling to make death threats. Aria finally gets through to him, like, “Dad, you’re barking up the wrong Montgomery.” And so Byron and Gil become BFFs forevs. They trade charm bracelets. It’s sweet.

Also sweet is Caleb Letto, who has taken it upon himself to remain firmly up in Hanna’s business.

There is a face I am thinking of, an exact face, but I can’t remember the name that goes with it, and it is exactly the face of Ms. Potter’s great-nephew from Kalamazoo who shows up to claim the cash in her safe deposit box. John Tesh! John Tesh is who Ms. Potter’s great-nephew looks like! I knew it would come to me. For some reason that makes him seem even creepier. Anyway, he wants to get his hands on his aunt’s fortune, which weirds Hanna and her mom out just a little because of how ol’ Ms. Potter told Ashley she didn’t have any relatives, and so they stole all her money and then she died.

But don’t even worry about it because Caleb Letto figures out Tesh’s doppelganger is a fraud because he writes with a Bic instead of a Mont Blanc. Dude. Caleb Letto. Let him into the Scooby Gang right now. “A” will be donezo by lunchtime tomorrow. Hanna is like, “Before this goes any further, I just have to ask: Do you or do you not have a doodle?” Caleb does. And do it is on.

Spencer is gallivanting around trying to understand why Boo’s secret message was the word “BAD” spelled out in Braille. She goes on over to the Radley’s place wearing her Laura Ingles Wilder costume and Boo is like, “Hey, do you like my new haircut?” (NO!) And then he explains that JennaBot was plugged into her calibrating machine one night and she kept punching in that code over and over. (Shut up, Boo. Caleb Letto would have solved this mystery hours ago.) So Spencer does what Spencer does and breaks into Jenna’s room. It’s as porcelain doll creepy as you have imagined it to be, and she almost smashes a snow globe on accident, but Boo rushes in and saves her. Their hands touch. (I hate his ass face.)

Boo tells Spencer that the DA has dropped the charges against him because the actual blood from his actual body that tied him to the actual scene of Alison’s actual death was “contaminated.” (That’s because he also sucks the blood of woodland creatures, you fools!) So Spencer takes him to the court house to have his ankle monitor removed. There’s a little scuffle when JennaBot insists that Boo hold her hand and she’ll activate her jetpack and fly them right over to the DA’s office, and Boo says, “There is a chance I will soon be boning someone who is not mechanical/I am not related to, so: No, thanks.”

JennaBot ain’t happy. You think she bought a new lace dress for someone besides her brother? Actually, yes. I do. I think she’s shagging some random who is probably named Ian in room #214 (B-A-D) of a seedy motel.

Spencer drives Boo to a green screen and tells him to run like the wind. (Seriously, man. Get your ass out of here.) But he says he doesn’t want to run anymore. Remember when he tried to say hello to those ice cream kids and they darted across the street and he cried in the alley? That broke my heart. Boo Radley Van Cullen, why did you have to fall for Spencer? I love you, you creep.

Emily is reeling from Mr. Moze’s bullshit in the cafeteria. Well, I mean, that and the fact that her homophobic mom had her girlfriend shipped off to Juvie Camp where cell phones don’t work and relationships fall apart on drug-free principle. And, you know, she and her best mates are still being stalked by a loony-toon psychopath who is responsible for one to ten Rosewood deaths, probably, depending on how “contaminated” the “crime-scene” “evidence” turns out to be. It’s been a rough couple of weeks for Emily, is what I am saying, so it’s no surprise that she almost loses her shit when Pam pops her head into her room and says, “You look unhappy. Why don’t you put on some socks and come downstairs? We’ll watch Titanic and eat popcorn and talk about our feelings.”

When Pam shows up at Rosewood for her parent-teacher conference the next day, Piper is like, “Oh, hey! Glad you’re here! I was going to tell you, everyone at this school loves Emily because she is a good student and a hard worker and a loyal friend, character qualities that have nothing to do with her boob-on-boob thing, and we won’t stand for any more gay-bullying from Mr. Moze.”

And oh, girl. Pam sashays her gorgeous self over to Mr. Moze and lets him have it: “You know who’s awesome? My kid! You know who’s a survivor? My kid! You know who is going to his ass beat into the ground if he ever belittles her again? You, motherf–ker!”

Me and you and Emily and everyone else are all like, “Whoa, Nia Peeples!”

Pam tells Emily she still doesn’t understand about her penis-free lifestyle, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s proud of her, and that she loves her desperately. And I like that. I really, really like that. That’s some organic character growth right there. 

In a dark parking garage in a BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA, Emily is thinking about the day’s events. And then, like a creeping creepster from Creep Town, USA, Moze just Apparates into the front seat looking like a wild thing. There are twigs in her hair; her eyes are three sizes too big. She tries some small talk about the weather and Emily is like, “If you’re going to murder me, just do it.” And Moze grabs Emily’s face and just snogs the hell out of it. She jumps out of the car and throws a “Don’t tell!” over her shoulder.

Emily is like, “What the actual f–k?” And every person who ever watched Nickelodeon and grew up gay is like, “I knew it!”

“A” takes some flowers to Godric’s Hollow and puts them on the Potter’s grave. Probably s/he’s on his/her way over to Bathilda Bagshot’s place for tea again. There, they’ll pet Voldemort’s Horcrux snake and drink some unicorn blood and plot new ways to mess with Spencer. If you take out the first two things, that’s the way I spend every other evening.

By the way, “A” calling the exterminator to get rid of the infestation in Hanna’s basement is the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. Ever. In my life.

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