“Coronation Street” recap: The Last Peanut Butter Sandwich

It’s been a long time since Sophie and Sian graced my laptop screen, and you know how I know? Because it took me four minutes to understand the words coming out of their mouths when they showed back up last week. I was getting good at that Mancunian accent. So good, in fact, that I could imitate it just a few degrees short of perfection. But they took a break and my brain took a break and I had to watch last week over and over and over again to make sure I was hearing things correctly. (“Did Sophie just say ‘Yeah, the cat chop; I’ll ganose eff Rashida!”?) (Who the hell is Rashida, and is it really wise to ganose eff anyone before the watershed?) The repeated rewatching was a soul-crusher, too, because we’ve only got two minor scenes leading up to the roof, and both are conducted at top volume.

Sophie is home watching trashy daytime TV, I think, because when Sian comes in wondering why Sophie hasn’t returned her phone calls, Sophie ignores her and says, “Right, if you slept with your best friend’s dad while your best friend’s mum was having a life-saving operation, would you go on telly and share your shame with the nation? Especially if you looked like Shrek?”

Sophie is wearing a dressing gown made of cotton candy. And apparently she’s been wearing it since New Year’s Eve. Sian shifts from mild annoyance to full-on hysteria in three seconds flat, and explains that Sophie is going to get booted from college if she doesn’t, you know, start attending college. Sophie explains, equally hysterically, that she cannot be expected to do maths when she is living in a domestic war zone.

Sian’s like, “Um, you remember that I live here too, right?” And Sophie goes, “It’s not the same.” And Sian says, “Yeah? Then how come Sally has punched me in the face three days in a row just for coming down to breakfast?”

Because skiving off school isn’t hardcore enough for Sophie Webster, she uses up all the peanut butter the next day. She doesn’t even save a spoonful for her girlfriend. Sally walks in to see Sophie running up the stairs with the Last Sandwich, shouting about how she’s fine, and leave her alone, and can’t a person get a second of peace in this tram-crashing town?

Reluctantly, Sian tells Sally that Sophie’s conversion to hobo is 53 percent complete, and since Sally never met some business she didn’t want to be up in, she calls Sophie out about it. Sophie’s logic meter is broken this week, for sure: First she tells Sian that the school can’t hold her responsible for something her parents are doing (“It’s discrimination!”), and now she’s telling Sally that she’s only ever done one thing wrong in her life and that thing is called “Dropping out of college because she’s bored.”

Sophie shouts Sian down from upstairs and has a go at her about the hobo reveal. Sian’s like, “I really liked shagging you, Sophie, and the chances of a repeat performance are growing slimmer and slimmer because you won’t take a f–king shower!”

Rosie manages to steer the drama away from Sophie’s impending homelessness by busting in the front door and crying about how horrible her dad has been to her, how he was just shouting and screaming and storming around for no good reason. I mean, all she did was borrow Baby Jack and take him to a photoshoot to try to score a Mummy & Me advertising gig. And then she took the wrong baby home to her dad. That shit happens all the time. CALM DOWN, KEVIN. GOD.

So, Sophie and Sian are on the outs. Rosie keeps getting better and better. And there’s a roof outside of Weatherfield that seems just right for climbing. By the way, “Yeah, the cat chop; I’ll ganose eff Rashida!” really just means “Yeah, I’ll catch up; I’ll get notes off Rashida.” It doesn’t even deserve the exclamation point once it’s been translated.

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