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“Grey’s Anatomy” recap: Episode 13 – “Don’t Deceive Me (Please Don’t Go)”

It’s a beautiful morning in Seattle. As Meredith rises for work she realizes Derek is already at the hospital and has begun work on his Alzheimer’s clinical trail. Alex assists Derek in the OR and we see them insert a placebo inside their patient’s brain. I’d be pissed if I had my brain cut open and saline was injected inside of me instead of medicine. At least sprinkle some pixie dust in there to give me a fighting chance!

Callie lies in bed next to Mark (isn’t this how all the trouble began?) and tells Mark that she’s pregnant with his baby. Mark is overwhelmed with excitement. Aww, that’s sweet. Now put a shirt on! Mark asks Callie if they should get married but she turns him down. That’s ok because Mark quickly remembers that he’s in love with Lexie (for this week anyway). Mark is worried about telling Lexie since the idea of having a Sloan Jr. ruined their relationship last time. Good luck buddy!

Callie then stops over at Arizona’s apartment to look at her beautiful face (which is covered in sadness tears) and see if they can work out their relationship. Arizona wants to talk to Callie without Callie interrupting her, walking out or saying their relationship is over. Callie agrees to listen.

Arizona, “I’m mad that you slept with someone else, and I know that we were broken up but still you slept with someone else. And I’m even madder that that person has a penis and I know that you’re bisexual, I know that.”

Callie says that in seven months the baby will be arriving and she wants Arizona to be in her life so she asks her flat out, “So are you in or are you out?” Arizona wipes her perfect tears made of unicorn smiles and salt and responds, “I’m in. I’m in. But you have to give me … I’m still so mad that you … so you have to give me a minute.”

At Seattle Grace Hospital, Chief looks out into a sea of interns and catches them all on their Blackberries, Droids and iPhones while he and Lexie are operating. The Chief scolds them for texting in the OR, but April explains that they aren’t texting (well, some of them probably are) they are following Bailey’s surgery on Twitter. Bailey’s interns are tweeting her surgery, so even those who aren’t in the OR with her know what’s happening. The Chief responds, “Twitter? What the hell is a Twitter?” Then he says, “When I was your age I walked ten miles uphill, by myself, barefoot in the snow to get to school.” (Ok, he didn’t say that last part, but I could tell he wanted to.)

Avery and Cristina are both fighting for Teddy’s attention so they can work on her surgery. As always, my money is on Cristina.

Callie and Mark discuss being McParents, and Callie explains that if Mark doesn’t want to be the baby’s father he has a “get out free card” and he can just be the “cool uncle” instead. Mark gets pissed and says he doesn’t want to be the “cool uncle” he wants to be the dad. The McParents should start saving money for their child’s therapy and anti-depressants fund.

Meredith confronts Derek for starting his Alzheimer’s clinical trail and sneaking out in the morning and not telling her about it. Then Alex shows up with a file and tells Derek about another patient waiting for him. Meredith freaks out that Alex is working with Derek instead of her. Derek and Alex exit, and Meredith yells down the hall and Derek, who responds by blowing her a kiss. If I was a patient at Seattle Grace, I wouldn’t feel comfortable if my doctors were screaming at each other and shooting air kisses around the corridors. Well, except for Arizona. I’d take an air kiss from her any day.

The Chief tracks down Bailey in the cafeteria and interrupts her “milkshake time.” Milkshake time? Why didn’t anyone tell me? When is “milkshake time” happening again?

The Chief tells Bailey to nix the tweeting in the OR. He’s worried that broadcasting surgeries could cause legal problems (which I 100% agree with). If I die on the operating table, I don’t want Seattle Grace’s twitter followers to know I’m dead before my loved ones do. (p.s. when I go, I want to be cremated and sprinkled in Hillary Clinton’s shoes.)

Arizona pulls Teddy aside and tells her about the bun in Callie’s oven. (I love fresh hot buns with lots of butter.)

Arizona begs Teddy to give her a pep talk so she’ll want to have Callie’s kid with Mark, but before the pep talk can begin Arizona is paged and goes racing off to find Callie with her feet up in stirrups (not in a fun way.)

Mark is standing next to Callie while a new hot blonde obstetrician named Lucy Fields (played by new Charlie’s Angel Rachael Taylor) checks on their McBaby.

Dr. Fields asks who everyone in the room is and Callie takes care of the introductions by pointing to Arizona and Mark and saying, “Lesbian lover. Baby daddy.” My grandmother is rolling over in her grave. Callie is bleeding, but Dr. Fields says everything is normal. (I wouldn’t say “normal” but I’m sure the baby is fine.)

Alex is tending to his Alzheimer’s patient, Daniel, who is having an “episode” and is screaming for his wife, Victoria. The problem is his wife’s name is not Victoria. OH SNAP! Daniel met another woman, Victoria, in treatment and when they were both lucid they accidentally fell in love with each other. (Which is why I forbid my wife to go to the doctor for any treatments.)

Daniel’s wife brings in Victoria to calm Daniel down. Daniel’s wife and Victoria’s husband stand by and watch their spouses be lovey dovey with each other and even kiss each other in front of them. Oh, hell no! If this happened to me, I’d turn this incident into an episode of Bad Girls Club. Lucid or not, I’m ripping that bitch’s hair out!

In all seriousness, I’m not a violent person and don’t have much upper-body strength for fighting, but I would give this Victoria a stern talking to and then bottle my tears and FedEx them to her with an intense haiku explaining my endless sadness. The haiku would be something like this:

You took my lover

Whom shall I eat pizza with now?

Give her back to me!

Mark races down the hospital hallway to find Callie still sitting on the exam table, and she won’t get up until she is tested again. Come on, Callie get up! There are other patients waiting to be treated! There is probably a gunshot victim bleeding out in the hallway waiting for Callie and her entourage to pick out baby names. (I vote for Bridget Sloan Torres. It can work for a girl or boy’s name.)

Callie explains to Mark that she paged him because she’s a “hormone casserole.” Why does that sound delicious?

Callie says that she’s just scared that the baby is going to be messed up and Arizona will leave her again. Callie should be scared because both could happen depending on Shonda Rhimes‘s mood that day. But most likely both won’t happen, at least not in the same episode.

Against the Chief’s wishes, Bailey has her staff tweet her surgery. Owen is to blame, because he’s the one who helped the Chief figure out Twitter was in the first place. Next up he’ll be creating a Facebook page and then JibJabbing and Elfing himself non-stop.

The Chief races into Bailey’s OR and insists once again that everyone stop tweeting. The surgery has complications and, in the end, thanks to Lexie’s obsessive tweeting (and her inability to follow directions) she learns that another local hospital has the equipment they need to save their patient’s life. This episode is sponsored by Twitter and disobedience. I wonder how’s the gunshot wound victim is doing.

Avery and Cristina have been battling each other to see who will make the best chief resident and for Teddy’s surgical affections. Avery jabs Cristina about not logging enough hours in the OR because of her “breakdown” which sends Cristina off to the locker room to hysterically cry. Avery tracks down Meredith and asks her to calm Cristina down.

Avery races off to find Owen to help ease Cristina’s pain and Cristina reveals to Meredith that she’s not really crying she’s just faking it. Cristina, it’s not nice to fake it, unless you have laundry to do and you really need your pants cleaned for an early morning audition.

Alex and Derek operate on Daniel, and we find out that just like their first Alzheimer’s patient Daniel receives the placebo instead of the real medicine. I guess Victoria will be moving into the guest bedroom.

Callie, Mark and Arizona gather around Dr. Blonde-Hottie and see their baby’s heartbeat for the very first time.

Aww … now chill out, Callie, and hop off that table because somebody really needs to tend to that gunshot patient ASAP!

The Chief is riding high off his twitter success so he’s now over-enjoying twitter (like so many of us do.) BTW: Follow me at twitter.com/bridgetmcmanus.

The Chief is so excited that he’s dictating his tweets at lighting speed that Lexie is getting a hand cramp.

Daniel wakes up from his surgery, looks at his wife and asks for Victoria. Daniel’s wife grabs a pillow and smothers him to death. Ok, that didn’t happen, but it should have. Instead, his wife tells her husband she’ll go get Victoria for him.

Derek praises Alex for his patient care and Alex asks to be taken off the trial because it’s “too depressing.” Alex wasn’t really caring for the patients he was just following Meredith’s instructions. Meredith is perfect to work with Derek on the trail since she’s dealt with her mother’s Alzheimer’s in the past, and Alex reminds Derek of that.

Callie’s lounges on Arizona’s couch as Arizona drags Callie’s stuff back into her apartment. Arizona is moving Callie back in if she likes it or not.

Callie, “I haven’t said I’m moving back in … yet. We’re not together.”

And then Arizona just lays down the law, “Shut up. Just shut up. You don’t get to tell me that we’re not together. We are together because I love you and you love me and none of the rest of it matters. We are together. And if you ever sleep with anyone again, man or woman I will kick the crap out of you. Now you sit your ass back down because that’s my baby in there and I don’t want anything happening to my baby!”

Callie smiles, “Your baby, huh?”

Arizona, “Our baby. There was a heartbeat. We’re having a baby!”

And Calzona starts having some baby making sex of their own. (Wait that’s still medically impossible, right?)

Next door, Lexie is cooking dinner for Mark and rambling on, like she does. Mark announces that Callie pregnant. Lexie is really excited for Callie and Arizona. Then she starts to put the puzzle pieces together. (I hate puzzles.) Mark gives Lexie a “McSteamy” look and she knows.

Mark: I saw a heartbeat today. This is my kid this is a part of me.

Lexie: How the hell did you get me in this position twice? Unbelievable! You are unbelievable!

And then Lexie storms out.

Back at the hospital Derek finds Meredith and asks her to add herself to the board so she can start working with him on the Alzheimer’s trail. Derek kisses her on the cheek then walks off. Meredith smiles as this episode comes to an end, and I really hope my imaginary gunshot victim survived.

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