“Skins” recap (1.03): Flashdance

It’s going to be a short one today, kids. Last night’s Skins was mostly Tea-less.

You’ll remember, I’m sure, that “Chris” is the reason Subway, Taco Bell and three other companies pulled their advertising from MTV. “Child porn” was the violent rhetoric dropped by the Parents Television Council, and the banner taken up by conservative watchdog groups all over the country. You know, ’cause when you disagree with something/someone, the correct thing is to start screaming the most inflammatory thing you can think of as loudly as you can for as long as you can. Bullying isn’t just fun; it’s effective!

Chris wakes up like a Kevin McCallister, Home Alone with nothing to keep him company but his pet goldfish. And his erection, because he eats Viagra like M&M’s or something. His mom has left him an envelope full of cash, which Tony convinces him to drop on an Evil Knievel costume and a rave.

The gang gets gets boozed up and pilled up and then they crowd around a makeshift altar and worship Satan and engage in a cultish orgy that involves intercourse and lighting things on fire, things like American flags and crosses. And then Chris launches into a monologue about how the religious right has hijacked America’s political system and two girls kiss with tongue and then a pair of dudes adopt a child and healthcare is nationalized and suddenly millions of poor sick people can take their kids to the doctor and then a gay lady joins the military and is a hero who never tries to recruit straight women into the fray of lesbianism and the whole world is safer and better and more tolerant, and everyone is happier.

I’m lying. I was just trying to think of something the PTC would find more horrifying than the non-objectified bare ass of a teenager actor.

The party is a Skins party, though. Drugs, drink, sex. Tony tries really hard to get Tea to acknowledge his presence, but she’s not feeling it. He heads upstairs with Michelle instead and starts clowning on her boobs. Stanley walks in and acknowledges that all boobs are awesome based on the sheer boob-ness of them, and then spends the rest of the night with Cadie in his lap, wondering if he said the right thing.

The next day, Chris orders pizza but he can’t pay for it because he blew all his money on powder and stuff. (A real bummer, too, because Tina showed up to the party thinking it was a parent/teacher conference, and she’d have probably hung around a little longer if Chris wasn’t still working his 48-hour erection.) (I don’t know much about erections, but I kind of think you’re supposed to see a doctor if it lasts longer than like half a day. That’s what the commercials tell me, at least.) He tries to sell a stereo to some skeevy junkyard guy after he realizes his mom isn’t coming home at all, but the guy is really only into his wheelbarrow.

Daisy makes Chris go to his dad and step-mom’s, but there’s not room for him and the Awkward Monster in the house, so he runs away with Daisy chasing behind him. In a cemetery, he tells Daisy about how his older brother died and it’s been nothing but gray and heartbreak ever since.

At one of the other kids’ houses, there are some general shenanigans going on and Tony tells Tea she’s going to have to flash them because Stanley f–ked Cadie. (You knew we couldn’t go a whole episode without Tony mentioning Stanley’s flower.) Tea rolls her eyes and lifts up her shirt because she knows how hot she is, and why not?

Chris seeks refuge at Tina’s house. She gives him a goldfish (not a euphemism) and a place to sleep — because Tina has never seen TV before or read a newspaper, and she doesn’t know how she’s going to end up in prison.

Next week: I haven’t seen the preview, but it sure worked a lot of you guys into a nuclear-level rage. Guess we’ll have to wait and see if it’s legitimately smash-inducing, or if it’s just promo monkeys playing us again.

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