“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.15): Breast Stroke

I don’t know what to do with myself, I really don’t. For one thing, Spencer said “give me tongue” on last night’s Pretty Little Liars, and then she ate pizza and talked with her mouth full and wore some kind of sleuthing/safari outfit, and also she said, “I will destroy her,” and then went know-it-all about World War II (which is my own personal area of expertise), and so I’m over here swooning to beat the band, but I don’t even think that was really the best part because Moze from Ned’s Declassified also popped up out of nowhere last night and tried to drown Emily. This show!

Also, I think the new gym teacher might be a lesbian. I mean, I don’t care if she is or not; I’m an equal-opportunity awesome-admirer, but I sure do love her. (You guys think she’s Oprah — “Let’s go swimmmiiiiinnnngggggg!” — and I can’t stop laughing about that.)

So, Hannah Banana has her hands on a wad of cash because of the hit she preformed on Lucas last week. And what does she do with it? She stuffs it in a Popsicle box, of course. But that paltry sum isn’t going to do her much good ’cause the rich old lady from whom Ms. Banana obtained her loan has scheduled another meeting at Gringotts, and even a kooky old bat is going to notice if 50,000 Galleons are missing from her vault. Realizing that a prison sentence is imminent, Ms. Banana gets nostalgic and hugs her kid for once. “When mama’s in the clink, always remember the time I didn’t let the doctors make you ugly,” she tells Hannah.

But A has another way for Hannah to earn some dollar-dollar-bills: She just has to tell Piper Montgomery about how her daughter is boning a teacher. Actually, I don’t want to gloss over this because it’s A’s creepiest message delivery yet. S/he has somehow procured a Mother’s Day card that was created in Satan’s own craft room. It’s terrifying. (It’s also moot, because the elderly loan shark conveniently dies the day of her meeting.)

Anyway, so Hannah gives Piper a ticket to a gallery opening in downtown Philly so that Piper will have the opportunity to catch her daughter french kissing her literature professor in broad daylight on the steps of a museum. It’s a near-miss thanks to: a) Caleb, whose mechanical savvy seems to know no bounds. He removes the starting sprocket from Piper’s car after Hannah spills her guts to him in detention. And b) Piper’s own hormones, which cause her to skip the opening altogether when her husband weaves a yarn about how his infidelity’s got nothing on the bond they share from that time they found a rotting sandwich underneath the seat of their car.

Aria, like I said, is getting her smooch on with Gilbert Blythe in the City of Brotherly Love. Spencer snags her some tickets for the aforementioned gallery opening. Aria performs a chaste striptease while Mr. Blythe is administering a test, and then Mr. Blythe borrows Chuck Bass’ limo, and off they go, to a place where an underage pocket-sized girl and a grown man can hold hands in public without all the scrutiny and homicide.

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