A Spartacus: Gods of the Arena drinking game provides a plethora of ways to get hammered. Drink whenever blood spurts to end a fight. Drink whenever you hear the s-word or the f-word. Drink whenever you see a bare breast. Drink whenever somebody says “c–k.” The list goes on and on. But whatever you choose, you’d be fully baked within the first 15 minutes of the show.
That makes recapping a challenge for a PG-13 website. Especially when the majority of the first episode of Gods consists of vivid decapitations, bloody brutality, salacious orgies and a stop at a public, open-air toilet. Yuck.
So forgive us our skipping much of the story to focus on the only thing we really care about: the girl-on-girl action. We will do our best to make sense of what comes in between the Sapphic pleasure sessions in a way that will not gross you out. Deal?
The first episode of Gods of the Arena covered a lot of ground, which I’m sure will be true of the entire six-episode series. For fans of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, Gods sets out to show how Batiatus (John Hannah) took his gladiator school to prominence in Capua. At his side is the lovely and lusty Lucretia (Lucy Lawless).
Although Lucretia is not open to other men, especially gladiators, in Gods, she certainly is open to pleasure in female form. Specifically, the form of her good friend Gaia (Jaime Murray), who returns to Capua after the death of her husband.
I have dreams of Lucy looking at me like that. Then Gabrielle joins us. Then, um, what was I talking about?
The girls go back to the house to rekindle their friendship — and other things. Gaia tells of spending all of her poor dead hubby’s money and generously shares a bauble with Lucretia.
Yes, friends, that is a wrist cuff. So, we’re not at all surprised at what happens next.
“So many years have passed,” Lucretia says, “and yet nothing has changed.”
Oh to be a fly on the wall of their past.
Gaia sparks more than memories with that kiss. Lucretia promptly finds Batiatus and gives him the same look she gave Gaia.
That look is magic, especially for us. Because shortly after that look, we get our first look at what was under Xena’s accurately named breastplate: They are real, and they are fabulous.
So fabulous, in fact, that when Gaia comes looking for her friend and accidentally sees a bit of conjugal bliss, the term “comes looking” turns quite literal.
In between sex scenes, a lot of posturing and fighting and brutality happens. The bloodier the battle, the more our main characters get turned on. The tide-turning bloodbath in this episode is a street fight between Batiatus’s main gladiator-in-training Gannicus and rival ludus owner Solonius’s main man.
Gannicus wins, of course, and as Batiatus goes off to take advantage of the win to get in good with magistrate Tullius, Lucretia and Gaia decide to take advantage of his absence — and one another.
Gaia produces another relic of her recent past — opium — and although Lucretia has “not partaken in many years,” she is not averse to one more trip down memory lane.
This time, the journey leads to much more than a kiss.
The sex scene is interspersed with scenes of Batiatus being badly beaten after refusing an offer to buy Gannicus. Still, the sex is steamy enough to warrant generous use of the DVR’s replay function. Perhaps next week, we’ll see the girls uninterrupted.
Who watched Spartacus: Gods of the Arena this week? Do you think Gaia is up to no good or does she truly adore her sexy friend?