“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.13): First Love, Last Dance

When did Pretty Little Liars become the most enjoyable thing on television? I mean, really. ABC Family’s original order was 13 episodes, and so last night was meant to be the finale, before it got picked up for a full season. That’s how come: the lightning pace, the down-to-business-sleuthing, the big reveal, and the exits and psuedo-exits. [*sniffle*] The frantic tempo made everything seem creepier than normal, too, and I’m not even kidding when I tell you I made my big dog sit right in my lap while I watched.

Spencer sneaks downstairs to spy on Melissa and Ian, but not for her usual reason of concocting a plan to nick her sister’s beau. They’re all whispers and conspiracy, and they both whip around when they hear the stairs creak. Melissa springs from her stool and shouts, “IS SOMEONE THERE?” Like they’re in the middle of a graveyard in the middle of the forest on All Hallows Eve, and not at the breakfast bar in the kitchen of her parents’ house on a Tuesday. IS SOMEONE THERE? IN THE LIVING ROOM?

Upstairs, Spencer gets an email from “A”: Married for love or an Alibi?” Alibi, capitalized. “A” is a lumberjack, a con artist, a stunt driver, a photographer, a postman, a video editor, a world-class sprinter, a born PI, a student, a teacher, a peasant, a monarch, a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker, and s/he’s clever with punnage. “A” would be a real cancer-curing asset to humanity if s/he wasn’t hellbent on playing out Richard Connell’s The Most Dangerous Game in real life.

In the daylight, Spencer glides downstairs again. She’s traded Jordan Baker for Annie Oakley, and as my friend Sarah pointed out to me last night, she’s kicking off an episode-long bird motif with her skirt. (Wait’ll you get a hold of Aria’s earrings.) Ian springs from behind the refrigerator door, all, “Booo! I’m going to kill you! Just kidding. Want to have sex with me? Just kidding. I murdered Alison! Just kidding. Think of me as your brother! Omelet?”

Spencer has never heard of burying the lede, or, you know, self-preservation, and so she seriously goes, “Have you ever played golf at this resort indicated on the golf tag on your golf bag? I only ask because Alison visited the same resort and was bludgeoned to death approximately 15 minutes later by an older guy she was f–king. By the way, we found your name carved into a tree with Alison’s name in the Forbidden Forest where her murder video was filmed. So many coincidences, right?”

I think something happens next with Melissa wandering in and amping the creepster factor to like twenty, but I got distracted. I can’t, for the life of me, remember why. And I’m sure it’s got nothing to do with Spencer’s proclivity to brandish her tongue.

Over at the Montgomery’s, everyone is sitting down to a nice breakfast of bacon, eggs and juice with Aria’s earrings. “Been to Brobdingnag again?” her dad asks. “Yeah,” she says, “just to pick up some jewelry. These earrings. A mood ring.”

Aria’s brother gets super weird/dumb when Papa Montgomery tells them their mom is dating other people and it’s not really his cheaterpants place to tell her not to do it. “That’s just so you, Dad!” he says, slapping down his morning newspaper (which: I am so sure). “You lie and cheat, but you draw the line at hypocrisy!” Um, a) I’m not sure “hypocrisy” means what you think it means. And b) Adulterer or not, your father is better off with the police than wandering around on his own.

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