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“Top Chef All-Stars” Recap (8.06): Old Cheftestants and the Sea

This just in: Everyone hates Jamie Lauren. Or, at least everyone is edited to look like they hate Jamie Lauren. Now, let’s return to our regularly scheduled cooking. Actually, wait, I also should note that with or without editing Little Mad Dale seems to really hates Marcel and if he hadn’t taken anger management classes he would have totally beat him to a lumpy puree. Not that Marcel doesn’t deserve it. Also, dude, was he swigging straight from the Bombay gin bottle or what?

Now onto the cooking. The cheftestants wake in the wee small hours of the morning and make their groggy headed way to the Top Chef kitchen. But instead of finding Padma, they find a map and a “Gone Fishin” sign. So looks like they’ll have to do some catching before they can do any cooking.

The chefs are going to Montauk to catch some dinner. The chefs all seem excited to go on the road trip to Long Island. None seem more excited about getting some fish than Tiffani, who is literally jumping for joy. Way to represent for Team Rainbow, honey. These jokes, they write themselves.

Lots of shots ensue of whatever car company Top Chef has made a deal with this season as they drive out to Montauk Point. It’s postcard pretty there or maybe I’m just talking about Padma. She and Tom greet the chefs and tell them about the day’s challenge — yes, singular. Instead of having a Quickfire, there will only be an Elimination Challenge and it will be a double elimination. Their mission is simple: Catch as many fish as they can in five hours and then cook it on the beach for 200 guests.

The chefs split up into four teams of three by drawing numbered fish. I don’t know how this keeps happening, but almost all the women end up on one team again — this time it is Jamie, Tiffani and Antonia. Antonia seems less than pleased to be with the two chefbians, not for that reason, but because she said the last time they cooked together it was a disaster. Wait, were Tiffani and Jamie ever on a team together before? It’s all starting to blur. Whatever, look how cute Tiffani is being with her numbered fish. She also says she’ll wrestle a fish onto the deck with her bare hands if she has to. Once again, these jokes — why am I even here?

Tom tells them to catch a big one and away they go. The teams split up onto two boats. Blais tries to act all “Sure I love fishing. I certainly wouldn’t rather be playing with my liquid nitrogen tanks or anything” with Fabio. He thinks they have the advantage because Fabio’s dad was on the Italian national team. For fishing? Really. Well, all I know is the prize for gayest sunglasses on straight men goes to Angelo and Blais. Seriously, those are mighty gay.

On the other boat, Jamie says she wants to catch a fish half her size. Considering she is practically pocket-sized, that probably won’t be a problem. On the same boat Little Mad Dale, who is with his teammates Tre and Carla, catches the day’s first fish. Then Antonia catches her first fish and starts squealing like a fourth grader. In fact, all the ladies do a happy fish dance together. See, being on a team with the chefbians is rubbing off. No one gets more excited about landing fish than them. What? Now I just can’t stop myself.

But while their boat of merry anglers hauls in catch after catch, the mostly dude boat of Team Blais, Fabio and Marcel and Team Angelo, Mike and Tiffany can’t even catch a stiff breeze. Two hours in and no bites, though I blame their weird fishing technique. Um, I’m no expert fisherman but should it look like they’re trying to row a boat?

But then even their boat starts to catch on and soon everyone is hauling in big ones. Though as Blais notes, their technique for reeling in their catch is a little unorthodox. Basically, they’re sitting in Marcel’s crotch and grabbing his pole. Whatever works, boys. We don’t judge.

Little Mad Dale catches the day’s biggest fish and he’s not so mad anymore, but he does manage to get a little dig at Marcel in the process. Speaking of Marcel, he is menu planning with his team and convinces them to do just one dish. Fabio calls it a good strategy because if the judges don’t like the dish, it will be hard for them to pick just one of them to go. Tricksy, tricksy.

Once they get back to land, they shop at the local farmer’s market. The camera plays up Blais and Fabio’s bromance. Antonia calls them the professor and Italian immigrant. It’s like My Fair Lady but without Audrey Hepburn or the outdated sexist overtones.  Team Estrogen is feeling a little less chummy. Tiffani calls Jamie the team’s weakest link and says she will be keeping her distance. That is not just figurative either.

The next morning the chefs sprint to their beach cooking stations. Jamie complains about the sand in her shoes and Antonia (who, you may have garnered, is not her No. 1 Fan) talks to the cameras about how much Jamie complains. And then Tre talks about how much Jamie complains. He also makes a descriptive array of cranky baby faces as a visual aide. Boy, the Watch What Happens reunion is gonna be fun.

Over at Team BlaMarBio (look, I’m tired of typing full names), Fabio prep all the veggies and Prof. Blais bosses him around like an unpaid intern. Papa Bear Tom comes to make the rounds. He seems skeptical of Team BlaMarBio’s one dish strategy. He seems even more skeptical of Dale’s store-bought tortillas. But he seem the most skeptical of Tiffani’s assertion that Bluefish is “lovely.”

The diners come in and the chefs switch to used car salesman mode. Carla and Fabio can chat it up with the best of them, and she even squeals a cute little “Of course I caught the fish!” to a doubting diner. But the judges aren’t there for chit-chat, they’re there for cocktails — no, I mean food. No one keep Padma from her hootch, people.

The guest judge is Kerry Heffernan, the executive chef at South Gate Restaurant and also Tom’s best fishing buddy. Gail is there too. Hi, Gail! They try the first two teams dishes. Dale, Carla and Tre all impress them and earn yummy noises. But Team BlaMarBio’s beans are overcooked and foam in unnecessary. I agree, foam outside of the carbonated or frothy beverage world is always unnecessary.

The second set of teams now has their chance to dazzle the judges. But first, Jamie has to get her fish out of the pan. Gail, speaking as a surrogate for all of us watching at home, exclaims “Jamie Lauren, let’s see what you’re made of” before biting into her offering. What they find is sorta bland and watery. They’re also not impressed by Tiffani’s dish, which they call “crude.” Someone fire up the Bat Signal, the chefbians are in trouble.

In the Stew Room, Carla, Dale, Tre, Angelo, Mike and Tiffani are called in first. Marcel says it doesn’t mean it is because they were the favorites but Antonia knows better. And she is right. They were the favorites and Carla wins the challenge. Hootie Nation, rejoice! Plus she wins a trip to Amsterdam. That deserves a Hootie Dance, don’t you think?

But then Marcel has to go be a total ass and say he’s not super ecstatic because that means they are on the bottom. Wow, way to be the worst good sport ever. The other chefs always clap supportively for the winning chef. You just ruined Hootie’s moment. She actually feels guilty for celebrating. I hate you forever, Marcel, with your dumb Wolverine hair and your borderline drinking problem.

The least favorites proceed in and get their comeuppance. Team BlaMarBoi gets taken to task for just making one dish — and not that well. Antonia gets told if her teammates hadn’t made two weaker dishes, she might have won the trip to Amsterdam instead. Maybe Carla can send you back some wooden clogs as a consolation prize. Jamie and Tiffani’s dishes get criticized for opposite reasons — Jamie’s was too light and didn’t have enough flavor and Tiffani’s has too strong and had too much bad flavor because she left the bloodline in. And then the judges twist the knife into Antonia once more and ask if she felt she helped her teammates enough. She tears up. Padma made someone cry, let’s call it a season, folks.

After a little more Colicchio tongue lashing, the moment finally arrives. Who gets PYKAGed? Tiffani and Jamie. Double Team Rainbow elimination. What does it mean?

Tiffani says she worked hard to change her experience and her perception from Season 1. I have to say, she certainly did. And then she says she is going home to “the most amazing girlfriend. Kelly is everything to me.” Awww. Jamie says she is “bummed” she didn’t cook on two challenges and that the judges didn’t like the one dish she was most proud of, “but this has been an amazing opportunity and I wouldn’t change it for the world.” Let’s pour a little out for our chefbians, ladies. Goodbye, Team Rainbow. You will be missed.

And with that, so end the Top Chef All-Stars recaps as well. I’ll still be watching the season, so feel free to follow or tweet me all things Top Chef @dorothysnarker. Thanks for reading!

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