“Coronation Street” recap: Merry Snogmas and a Happy Shag Year

When last we left our Corrie crew, Baby Jack survived an explosion, but Molly bought a single fare for that great big tram in the sky. Before she boarded her train, though, Molly dropped a little bomb of her own on Sally Webster’s head: Kevin is Baby Jack’s father.

It is the day of Molly’s funeral and if you think that means Sally is going to compartmentalize her feelings of outrage and betrayal for the good of the mourners, you are wrong. Oh, how you are wrong. And all the better for us, because I have scarcely seen a person eat as many crazy cakes in one sitting as Sally Webster. She is storming around and huffing and puffing so huffily and puffily that even the Big Bad Wolf would cower before her. There’s this face Sally makes every time she’s on screen in these episodes, just totally indignant about every single thing. Every sound. Every smell. Every weather pattern is a personal affront to her person.

At the funeral, Tyrone loses his s–t when he’s trying to talk about his dead wife — as you do — and sobs, “Help me. Help me.” The church is the echo-iest place on earth, but still it takes Sophie seven times of hissing, “Dad! Dad! Dad!” before Kevin skulks to the front to take over Tyrone’s eulogy. He begins reading it verbatim: “I always wanted a baby son.” Sally’s head starts spinning around and around and smoke comes out of her ears and a cartoon train whistle, and then she storms right the hell out of that church.

Kevin stumbles over Tyrone’s eulogy, all, “I always loved … er, I mean he — Tyrone, that is — always loved Molly.” Then, halfway through, he stops reading, drops the paper on the floor and sprints out of the church. “What were you thinking running out like that?” Kevin shouts, running out after Sally like that. Sally screeches, “‘I always wanted a son’?! You suck at grammar, you illiterate pig! ‘I’ is first person. ‘He’ is third person! Your inability to change pronouns on the spot proves that you wanted Molly to bear you a child from her slutty womb!”

Later, she literally says these words: “Why didn’t God just strike [Kevin] with lightining? If there was a God, he’d be dead in that grave!” And then these: “I think your father’s beyond prayers, Sophie. I think the devil’s at work in him.” And then these: “Oh, you’re back; I was hoping you’d been run over.” And then these: “He stayed with me last Christmas when all he wanted to do was climb into that tart’s bed! Mince pie, then, Jason?”

Everyone goes to the graveside. Except Sally, who is still storming around and howling like a werewolf inside that echo chamber of a church. Kevin starts to cry. Tyrone looks back and forth between him and the grave, him and the grave, him and the grave. He thinks about Facebook. About how Kevin kept poking Molly. Poking her. Poking her. Poking her. And then he figure it out. “You were the one whoring around with my wife! You were the one who contributed to the sperm to my baby with the weirdly huge head! It was you!”

Sophie shouts, “Dad?!” But before Kevin can answer, Tyrone slugs him and he lands in the grave. Nobody does funeral comedy like the British. As Kevin’s head is thudding against the coffin, the priest tries to calm the row by shouting, “Let’s pray! This is a place of worship!”

Over her own squawking and thrashing around, Sally somehow hears Sophie crying. She runs outside and says, “Sophie, what’s happened?” Sian is chasing after her shouting, “Don’t run away from me, Soph. Don’t walk away from me, Sophie!” And Sophie shouts back, “Leave me alone!” Sian turns and looks at Sally, tears in her eyes: “Why does she push me away?”

Sally ignores Sian, though; she throws her head back and hollers like a banshee. (Sally is a lot like my beagle; she just likes the sound of her own howl.)

After the funeral, Sally drops by a friend’s house. Said friend is watching over Baby Jack. Sally says she’ll put on the kettle, and as soon as her friend’s back is turned, Sally actually gets into a staring contest with newborn. I’m not even joking. This is the face, the one Sally keeps making. It is a wonder to behold.

What happens next is that Sally and Kevin work out their living arrangements like two mature adults. Just kidding! Sally demands that Kevin move out. Kevin pleads with her to show a little compassion. Sally calls the police and reports a domestic disturbance. Kevin brings Baby Jack to live with them. Sally kicks Kevin in the gonads. Kevin pokes Sally in the eyeball. Sally ostracizes Kevin to the conservatory. Kevin steals the television. Sally divides up their food up, and lets the girls eat from her “cupboard overflowing with goodies.”

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