Archive

“Top Chef All-Stars” Recap (8.02): When dinosaurs attack

Hey, look, it’s Joe Jonas. Squeallllllllllllllllll! Shriekkkkkkkkk! Soundofamilliontweengirlsfaintingggggg! Did I get this right? I mean he’s the cute one, no? Why when there are three singing brothers is there always only one cute one? For reference please see Hanson. Host Padma Lakshmi informs the chefs that Joe will be guest judging the Quickfire Challenge. All of the cheftestants manage to stay conscious.

In fact Dale T. is unimpressed and unaware of who he is, saying, “I thought he might be a pastry chef.” Funny, but actually not that far off. Joe does bear a definite resemblance to pastry chef and Top Chef Just Desserts judge Johnny Iuzzini.

Joe will be the guest at the Museum of Natural History’s annual Night at the Museum sleepover. The Quickfire is to create a yummy, eat-with-your-hands midnight snack for the kids. The chefs reaction to cooking for kids follows roughly along the Kinsey Scale. A 6 is totally thrilled (Marcel), 3 is not thrilled but not determined to please (Tiffani), 0 is totally unthrilled (Jamie).

Dale L. isn’t too fond of tiny human either and seems determined to send them into diabetic shock by giving them a pretzel, graham crackers and Whoppers mix he calls “crack for small children.” The result, he said, should be like “a little 10-year-old rave.” But will there be glowsticks. I’m only coming if there are glowsticks.

Dale T. (who from here on out we shall call Little Mad Dale to distinguish him from Dale L., who we shall now call Big Gay Dale) pulls a kitchen asshole move and hogs all the sugar at his station, to the chagrin of many. Speaking of sugar hoarding, we learn that Blais was a “husky” kid and used to eat cereal with heavy cream because “heavy cream is delicious.” Idea!

Joe and Padma come around to taste all their brown bags. The concoctions fall into three groups: sweet, savory and couldn’t decide between sweet and savory. The Jonas kid disliked Mike’s chocolate coconut balls, Tiffany’s rice pudding mush and Stephen’s cookie that wasn’t a cookie.

But he liked Spikes potato/carrot chips with dip and Tiffani’s chocolate Rice Krispie Treat/Moon Pie/Sno Ball threesome. To decide, they must make the snack for the 150 kids spending the night at the museum and let them pick who wins and gets immunity. Tiffani seems skeptical, Spike seems like a wild-eyed hobo.

Spike and Tiffani get to pick teams. Spike picks almost all the boys plus Carla, Tiffani gets all the ladies (that’s what she said) plus Tre and Big Gay Dale. He describes the two groups as “the Spice Girls and their bodyguard and the cool guys and babysitter Carla.” Meanwhile Jamie and Little Mad Dale aren’t exactly enthused about having to help someone else win immunity. Hey, guys, there is no “I” in Top Chef.

For her part, Jamie seemed well aware of how her attitude played to those at home and noted on her Twitter feed (@ChefJamieLauren) last night:

Though, I think staring unblinking into the camera and saying “I have no interest in having children. Ever.” is possibly not the best way to try to endear yourself to American households. Just saying.

At the museum, the choice becomes pretty apparent. Gee, children, what would you rather have? Carrot/potato chips with a weird dip or an enormous chocolatey ball of love? Victorious Team Sugar—n-Spice Girls seems a little worried about pumping all that unrefined energy into those wee bodies. But, as Casey notes, “they’re not my kids.” Before they can revel in their win, head judge/papa bear Tom Colicchio strides in. You thought you were going to sleep? Silly cheftestants. Save your looks of quiet despair for restaurant wars.

It’s Elimination Challenge time instead. They will be making breakfast for the kids and their parents in the morning. The teams stay together, but have to choose between all meat (T-Rex diets) or all vegetables (Brontosaurus diets). As the winner, Tiffani picks Team T-Rex. The teams try to plan their menus, but they’re still not sure exactly what will await them in the pantry so it’s more like wishful thinking. While you’re at it, can I have a pony?

Team T-Rex tried to catch some shut eye while the boys of Team Bronto take a flashlight tour of the museum. They then regress to the age of the kids they are cooking for and joke that one of the cavemen looks like Fabio and one of the cavewomen looks like Casey in the morning. Who is going to stick Carla’s hand in a bowl of water and Antonia’s bra in the fridge?

Back at the cot camp, Stephen and Tre aren’t too happy about the sleeping arrangement. Stephen just doesn’t want to be forced to room with the rabble saying it creates a “sense of uncomfortability, if you will.” Nice going, Sarah Palin. Tre, on the other hand, is bummed he can’t sleep au naturel like he usually does. He still ends up sleeping shirtless which, even for me, is kind of distracting. Do you think he works out?

The next morning they get cooking. But Team T-Rex finds out that being a carnivore isn’t the same as an omnivore. They have meat, eggs and dairy, but only meat, eggs and dairy. No flour, no herbs, no fruit or vegetable. Meanwhile Team Bronto is all “sunshine, puppies and rainbows” with their fresh selections.

The team members break into groups of two to make a dish each (with Team Bronto having one team of three — damn odd numbers). As they start working, Jamie slices her thumb while prepping the pork belly. The medic tells her she will need stitches, so she tells her cooking partner Jen she has to go and goes. Jen seems fine with it and tells her to “just take care of yourself.”

But, apparently, injuring oneself and then actually agreeing to receive medical treatment makes you an enormous kitchen wuss among chefs. Casey and Fabio scoff, with Fabio bringing back up his whole, “sear it on the flattop” routine from when he injured his pinky during his season.

Cooking is done and the chefs have an hour to set up their buffets. Marcel, Angelo and Blais are making a parfait, and Angelo decides the plums need to be smaller. This annoys Marcel who thinks it damages “the integrity of the plums.” Well, only if you tell them to lie about it, afterward. Angelo tries to explain his reasoning, but Marcel says afterward “you don’t f–k with somebody else’s mise en place.” Wow, in terms of badass throwdowns that falls somewhere between “Why, you’re nothing but a great big coward” and “He can call me flower if he wants to.” Worst butch T-shirt slogan ever.

Jamie returns in time for service prep. She tells them she got two stitches and now it’s Tre and Big Gay Dale’s turn to scoff. Nothing short of losing an eye or possibly both limbs (it’s just a flesh wound!) would have kept them from going on.

The kids and chefs arrive, along with guest judge Katie Lee. Those who remember back to the first season will recognize her as “The Woman Padma Lakshmi Replaced Because, Seriously, Would You Rather Look at Katie or Padma. Seriously.” Indeed, seeing her again reminds me why she thankfully only hosted one season.

The judges seem happy with their fruit and veggies. But when it’s time for meat they get blocked colons. Antonia and Tiffany’s frittatas aren’t cooked consistently. Casey and Tre’s salmon has a salty sauce. Jen and Jamie’s pork belly and eggs was weird and bland. But at least they like Dale and Tiffani’s steak and eggs.

In the Stew Room, Team T-Rex can’t let go of their non-omnivore ingredients. Tiffani feels like her advantage wasn’t an advantage. Which is true, but I checked the tapes and Tom did say “only meat and meat byproducts.” Listening skills are essential to not shooting yourself in the foot, that and leaving the safety on.

Team Bronto gets called in first, which sends ripples of discontent through Team T-Rex. Big Gay Dale thinks their dish choices were off for kids and their parents. But Jen tells him that she never cooks for he crowd, only the judges. Big Gay Dale says that’s selfish, but Jen says “Do you want to win or do you want to make the 150 people happy that you’re never going to see again.” To follow in Stephen’s word-mangling suit, that girl there has her some serious “strategery.”

The judges declare Team Bronto the winner and pick Blais, Marcel and Angelo’s banana parfait as the winning dish. But, really, three people to make banana parfait?

Team T-Rex comes in next, steaming. Tiffani tells them she thought their “advantage” was crap. And then the judges notice that Jen seems really pissed. She says she doesn’t think they deserve to be there and their food was better. Tom asks them why they didn’t plate things on individual dishes and Jen fires back, “You guys are smart enough, you’re the judges. Why didn’t you say, ‘Hey, can I get a different plate for this?'” Tiffani’s “Wow” face pretty much says all you need to know about that.

Then they get into Jamie and her sliced thumb. Tom asks what happened, Jamie explains. Jen says her absence didn’t impact their dish at all and everyone helped out. Antonia pipes up to say the rest of the team thought it was uncool that she left. Jamie might need some more stitches after getting run over with that bus.

But the judges don’t seem to care about her absence as much as Jen’s pork and eggs. Her response goes something like this: “You’re totally wrong. My dish was delicious. Suck it hard, judges.” Again, I’ll let her teammates’ faces do the talking.

Back in the Stew Room, Jen tells them “Welcome to Jen: All Stars,” about her new, shouty attitude. But does shouting and/or pleading with the judges pay off? Elia implored them to not eliminate her last week and they summarily sent her packing. So what will getting snippy pay off? Tom says he doesn’t mind when people talk back.

But in the end no amount of angry scolding changes the judges minds. Wet bacon and bland eggs is wet bacon and bland eggs. Jen gets the PYKAG and notes that if her father still thinks second place is losing, what will he think about second to last. As she leaves we hear a torrent of obscenities which boils down to “This is f–king bulls–t!”

When the decision gets announced to the rest of the cheftestants the reaction is shock, disbelief, horror and out-and-out fear. If a chef of Jen’s caliber is gone, what the hell are Stephen and Mike still doing there? Bravo also makes sure to give us lots of cut-aways to Jamie, you know, in case the viewers at home didn’t quite catch the “it should have been her”-vibe. Jamie, for her part, agreed, and also tweeted this last night:

But she is there to cook another day and Jen isn’t — Jen who many of us, me included, picked to probably go to the finales. This Top Chef All-Stars isn’t messing around. You make one bad dish, they will cut a bitch.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button