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“Top Chef All-Stars” Recap (8.01): Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it

Welcome to Top Chef All-Stars: Sometimes They Come Back. Eighteen of the best also-ran cheftestants are in the Big Apple to redeem themselves and maybe take home the title and $200,000, the biggest purse in Top Chef history. Out bisexual chef Tiffani Faison is the first in the door and promptly tells the camera she plans to cook her nuts off. Out lesbian chef Jamie Lauren follows shortly after with tats blazing and proceeds to tell the camera that she is there to kick ass. So, be warned, the chefbians are all about doing major damage to privates parts this time around.

As all the returning cheftestants convene it’s like a high school reunion where only the student body presidents, star quarterbacks and class clowns were invited. I have to say, most of the ladies look great but some of the guys (cough, Fabio, cough, Mike, cough) have gotten a little paunchy. Someone who has never been paunchy, even last season when she was pregnant, is host Padma Lakshmi. Oh, Padma, you can tell me to do whatever you want with my knives.

The first Quickfire Challenge puts contestants from the same seasons together to cook against teams from the other seasons. Each team’s dish must represent their season’s host city. As they start working, everything that annoyed you about these people the first time around comes rushing back. Oh, yeah, Spike and his backwards hat is an asshat. Oh, yeah, Marcel and his Wolverine hair is a brat. Oh, yeah, Stephen and his overdressed ties is a snob.

So instead of wasting more time on those tools, how about we take a moment to fully appreciate the return of Chef Jamie Lauren. Team Rainbow, represent. God, just for the aesthetics alone I hope she sticks around until very, very late in the season. Ahem.

The teams get cooking, and it’s just like old times. They’re running around like crazy people, bragging about their skills and complaining about other contestants. It’s like they never left. But how did they do? First, the bad: Marcel & Elia’s (Season 2, Los Angeles) shrimp tacos, Tiffani & Stephen’s (Season 1, San Francisco) cioppino, Jamie, Carla & Fabio’s (Season 5, New York) apple trio and Angelo & Tiffany’s (Season 7, D.C.) fish in broth. But Jamie’s apple soup is praised. So the lesson here is an apple a day still keeps the doctor away, but three apples done three different ways a day will get you glared at by head judge Tom Colicchio.

And now, the good: Casey, Dale L. & Tre’s (Season 2, Miami) pork, Jen & Mike’s (Season Six, Las Vegas) pasta and Richard, Spike, Dale T. & Antonia’s (Season 4, Chicago) hot dog with mustard ice cream. And if you heard mustard ice cream and immediately thought, “The Blais is back!” you are correct. Tom agrees and grants Team Season 4 the win and coveted immunity.

Have I mentioned I love their new black Top Chef coats? It makes them look like kitchen ninjas. But I digress.

So now that the beginning jitters have been ironed out, it’s time for the some serious cooking to begin in the Elimination Challenge. So what diabolical plan do Tom, Padma, returning judge Gail Simmons and new guest judge Tony “No Reservations” Bourdain have in store for our cheftestants? It’s a good one. The chefs must recook the dishes that sent them packing their knives and going in the first place. Like I was saying, diabolical.

I think we can officially say the gauntlet has been thrown in Top Chef: Redemption. Before them are the ingredients for their failed dishes from past seasons. Dale L. has the makings of his disastrous butterscotch scallops, Carla has the steak she shouldn’t have sous vide, Jamie has Eric Ripert’s bass and celery concoction, and so on and so on. Their horror is palpable.

While the chefs wrestle with their past demons, they also size each other up. Blais seems impressed by Angelo. Antonia knows just how sneaky and devious Spike is.

Back at the house, the chefs exchange stories about past season. I have to admit, it’s hard to top Elia’s Britney Spears head shaving moment. Good thing she had a good head for it. But, like Britney, I still fear a little for Elia’s mental state, despite all her talk of maturing.

The next day in the Russian Tea Room, the chefs get split into two groups to finish their dishes in stages. The first group cooks while the second embarks on what Tiffani calls “the most uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner ever.” The non-cooking group joins Padma, Tom, Gail and Bourdain at the table to taste the other cheftestants’ food. Making them cook failed dishes and making them judge each other’s food? This season is already awesome beyond belief.

In the kitchen, Blais says his strategy this season is to plate “all the way to the end of the challenge.” But, in reality, he meant all the way past the end of the challenge as he keeps working on his dishes after the buzzer goes off much to the disconcertion of his fellow chefs.

As the food goes out, a TV in the kitchen goes on and the chef get to watch as their competition dismantles their dishes with the judges. Like I was saying, awesome. Elias can’t bear to watch and Fabio looks like he wants to punch out the screen, or Bourdain, who says his pasta dish looks like “an inside out animal.” Oh, Tony, bless you for judging this season.

But now it’s the next group’s turn to cook and the other’s turn to judge. Revenge is a dish best served while sitting next to Tony Bourdain. Well, unless you are Fabio, who seems to want to get into an alpha male pissing contest with him instead. Bad idea, Fabio, bad idea. I have watched that man eat decade-old Twinkie juice from a corroded pipe. He has no fear and will happily eat your heart for breakfast.

Service begins and everyone is impressed by Spike’s craftiness. In fact, Bourdain calls him “the craftiest motherf—er who has ever been on this show.” Tom then heaps praise on Jamie’s black bass and celery dish, much to her obvious relief. What is conquering your demons for $1,000, Alex?

Back in the Stew Room the chefs deconstruct the challenge and a few grouse about Blais plating past the time limit. I must say, it was bad form of him and not a good way to ingratiate himself with his fellow competitors. To quote Monica Gellar, rules help control the fun.

Padma calls in Spike, Jamie, Angelo and The Blais first and they are informed they had the best dishes. Go, Team Rainbow, go. Tom tells Blais his dish was great, but he went over his allotted time and is ineligible for the win. Finally, some strict following of the rules on Top Chef. Blais, while pissed, accepts his fate, saying he did not realize time had expired.

So then who of the remaining chefs wins the challenge and takes home the $10,000? Angelo. You know, I find his fake modesty cloying, but he must really be able to cook because that’s some mighty good competition he just bested.

But enough positivity, bring in the losers. Padma asks them to send back Fabio, Stephen and Elia. Stephen’s dishes were muddled. Elia’s fish was raw. Fabio’s pasta was “horrifying looking.” Fabio continues his bruised ego dance of shame and tells Bourdain he did not agree to come on the show to be made fun of. Dude, you seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding of what it means to be on reality television.

Before leaving Judges Table, Elia makes a plaintive plea saying, “Don’t eliminate me, I have a lot more to do. I mean it.” Sent back to stew a little more, Fabio continues to complain about his poor hurt feelings. But if it makes him feel any better, Bourdain saved his meanest zinger for Stephen’s food which he said had him “drifting back fondly to my last colonoscopy. It was that bad.” Boom. Roasted.

But whose food was worst than last colonoscopy bad? Who got PYKAGed? Elia. Oh dear, now I’m worried. I mean, she already shaved her head once. What will happen now? The thing is, I think Elia is actually quite talented and could have shown the judges more. But Stephen, ugh, that snob needs to be sent packing immediately.

One All-Star down, 16 to go. What else is in store for this season of Top Chef: Redemption? Paul Deen and Jimmy Fallon and a Jonas Brother, oh my. So, what did you think? Agree with the judges? Loving Bourdain? Bring it on, All-Stars.

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