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“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.05): Way to class up the joint

You know how people are always telling you how important it is to stretch first? Well, I finally think I understand why. Dr. Maura Isles and Det. Jane Rizzoli are stretching on a park bench while wearing tiny shorts. Please, ladies, continue stretching forever — you know, for health purposes.

While limbering up our gals are watching what looks like a man and woman flirt one bench over. Jane asks Maura if she believes in love at first sight. Maura calls it pure narcissism and says it takes quite a lot of effort to attract a mate. Well, she should know. She sure attracted the one standing next to her.

Maura is convinced people are attracted to people who are attracted to them. Wow, that’s like an endless chicken/egg debate for another day. Regardless, Jane is still convinced the man and woman across the way have hit up a love connection. That is until the man’s boyfriend arrives and gives him a big wet smooch. See, ladies, this is what happens when you’ve been in a couple for a long time — your gaydar needs a tune-up.

The ladies are saved from their massive gaydar fail shame when their cells ring simultaneously. Of course, it’s another case. Should have left your phones at home ’cause this is a disaster — in that we don’t get to see them run together in their tiny shorts. Well, I feel devastated.

At the scene it’s a “floater,” which is charming police lingo for a dead body in the water. You don’t want to know what they call burn victims. The body doesn’t have an ID, but Maura knows him on sight. It’s the brother of a man she used to date — a very wealthy man. Jane gives Maura immediate big puppy dog eyes of concern and engages in a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching. That’s pretty high on her thigh there, Jane. Nicely done.

Jane asks if the relationship was serious and Maura says, “I was 20 — everything felt serious.” And by “everything” she means even relationships with boys. Also, even though she clearly made a youthful mistake dating the wrong gender and all, she tells Jane she will go with her to notify the family because “I own him that.” See, now why doesn’t Hallmark make a “Sorry we dated in college because I’m actually gay. Oh, and sorry about your dead brother” card that could handle this for her?

Remember when I said the man Maura dated was very wealthy? Double that by a billion. They’re Fairfields which means besides their charming little mansion in Boston, they also have a castle in Scotland and a place on the Cape. Also, Maura’s ex Garrett Fairfield has a Spyker C8 Laviolette sportscar (starting price around $300,000) sitting in the driveway. Maura knows it is his because he has “always liked the finer things in life.” To which Jane responds, “Yeah, he liked you.” Honey, your smitten kitten is showing.

Inside things are no less posh. Oh, that old thing? That is just the original manifest from the Mayflower. The Fairfields are Boston Brahmins, among the city’s elite founders and first families. Jane starts asking questions like a good detective and Maura is put off, asking if it can wait. Suddenly, someone is feeling a little less smitten what with this special treatment for the rich and all. And then Garrett walks in and sees Maura. Jane sees him seeing Maura. Relax, Jane — college boyfriends mean nothing. Trust me.

Maura’s very wealthy college boyfriend is Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. Sheesh, Jane, now you really don’t need to be threatened because Mark-Paul Gosselaar was an entire generation of gay girls’ totally nonthreatening straight boy crush. Speaking of threats, the Fairfield family attorney makes a none-too-veiled one to Jane and Det. Frost , telling them to back off and stop asking questions. Who wants to take a guess at how well Jane takes that? So she saunters up to Garrett and starts asking questions again, only to be told by Maura that the family will be happy to answer questions “when they’re ready” and she should “give them their space.”

No eye sex for you tonight, Maura.

In the episode’s ridiculous B-plot, Mama Rizzoli is hawking a Polynesian Anti-Aging Lychee Fruit Flush. Say that five times fast. Let’s hope this doubles back into some adorable banter between Jane and Maura because otherwise, hello, useless filler.

Jane sidles into the autopsy room, thumbs in pocket and disapproving smirk on her face. (Nothing gay about that, uh-uh.) Maura is doing the autopsy on a Sunday because even in death the rich get better service. Jane wastes no time processing her angry feelings about Maura’s lack of support with the Fairfields. Everyone make a cup of herbal tea, this could take a while.

Maura calls Jane’s questioning badgering. Jane accuses her of rushing the science because the governor called. She says something about smoking rolled up hundreds on the veranda. Yeah, make that two cups of herbal tea.

So remember last episode when the big issue was the difference in Jane and Maura’s education? This week it’s their class differences. Maura says the Fairfields deserve respect because they helped build Boston. Jane says her grandfather was an iron worker who really helped build Boston. I hope one of them has their couples counselor on speed dial.

Accusations about who is doing their job properly or improperly fly. Angry glances fly faster. Jane storms out, thumbs back securely in her pockets and disapproving smirk back permanently on her face. Don’t you hate it when your favorite couple fights in front of you? Though, just think of the make-up eye sex they’ll have later.

The youngest Fairfield brother, Sumner, gets questioned first. Frost and Korsak find him running a food shelter because he was squeezed out of running the family business by dead brother Adam. Houston, we have a suspect. Back in the autopsy room Korsak is fingering Adam’s cashmere sweater and asks Maura how much one costs. Don’t worry, it’s just Fairfield pocket change at about $1,000 a piece. Maura notices the fabric is rougher than it should be, but blames it on the sea salt. The old sea salt excuse.

Korsak asks her why he is there in the first place because it’s not his case and Maura blurts out, “Jane is mad at me.” Aw, lover’s spat. Then Korsak acts as their defacto couples counselor because their regular counselor Earth Rainn Songwomyn must be off on her annual silent retreat. He says people like him and Jane didn’t grow up with much, but they always had each other’s back. So all Jane wants to know is if Maura has her back. Well, I think Maura has a lot more than just Jane’s back, but I digress.

Jane’s brother Frankie shows up with a bottle of the Polynesian Anti-Aging Lychee Fruit Flush and, again, I don’t care unless it involves Jane and Maura doing some Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching. Instead in walks the Fairfield lawyer without all the files Jane had subpoenaed. They contain too many important international trade secrets for the lowly police to have. Also, the attorney says he has assurances from the governor that the matter will all be handled quickly and discretely. And then he threatens Jane again saying, “You seem like a bright young woman with a promising future, I’d hate to see your career path cut short.” Her face says, “Where is that trusty baseball bat when I need it?”

Maura brings Frost and Korsak (read: Jane and her aren’t talking yet) the initial autopsy report which names blunt force trauma as the cause of death. They search for more clues amid his stomach contents, which was rare (read: expensive) oysters that are only served a few places. They head off to find answers and try some for themselves. Maura calls the flavor “Dry. Metallic. Delicious.” Too. Many. Jokes.

Jane finally goes to see Maura armed with gold-flake filled chocolates and the Polynesian Anti-Aging Lychee Fruit Flush. I have to say, as far as romantic gifts go, that’s kind of a backhanded compliment. Maura asks hopefully if the chocolate is an apology. Jane asks, “For what?” To quote Korsak, “Uh-oh.”

You see, the chocolate was actually a bribe to get Maura to ask Garrett who his brother had the fancy oysters with the day he died. What follows is a classic passive-aggressive lesbian fight where Korsak is the unwitting intermediary to a series of “Tell Jane…” “Tell Maura…” statements. Where is Earth Rainn Songwomyn when you need her the most?

After Korsak wisely flees, they continue the fight. Jane says Maura looked really at home in “that world.” Maura says it is not where she “chose to stay.”Jane says she is slumming, Maura says she is catching bad guys. Jane says she needs her job, Maura doesn’t. Maura says she wants her life to have meaning and purpose, just like Jane. Jane leaves saying she doesn’t know whose side Maura is on anymore. Can we just skip ahead to the make-up eye sex, pretty please? This fighting is giving me hives.

Also giving me hives? Maura going to visit Garrett while he is in the pool. Put a shirt on, Zack Morris. He tells her brothers don’t kill brothers. And he mistakes a sympathetic shoulder rub as an invitation to delve into Maura’s personal life and tell her there’s been no one serious for him since college. Hands off, rich boy. Maura sneakily calls Jane from Garrett’s Spyder to tell her the name of Adam’s mistress. Jane apologizes, Maura says she has her back. Nothing like a failed attempt at heterosexuality to bring a gay couple back together. Then, apparently just to reinforce the wrongness of it, Maura kisses Garrett.

Harbor patrol then find Adam Fairfield’s boat and the team goes to investigate. Fancy suit lawyer guy has the Coast Guard stall Jane, but she asks them if they want kids and means it. They find blood on the boom and Jane says Maura she wins and that she was wrong. But Maura says it was no accident, it was murder. So, we can have the make-up eye sex now, right?

Back at the lab, Maura tells Jane nothing on the boat matched the impression of the blunt object that hit Adam. And she is still troubled by fibers from his sweater. Guess it wasn’t the sea salt after all. Jane finally extends the olive branch and asks Maura if she wants to get a drink. Maura asks if it will have gold flecks in it. Making her work for it — saucy.

At the bar, Maura deems all the Cabernets “chalky” and Jane tells her to have a cold beer instead. But Maura never drinks beer. Then Jane asks what happened with Garrett and Maura says, “there’s not much to tell.” Saving your girlfriend’s feelings by not mentioning a meaningless kiss definitely warrants eye sex, don’t you think? Jane agrees. God, if we they would only kiss and make-up, too.

Maura offers her own olive branch, an invitation to the private Fairfield Family memorial for Adam. She wants Jane to be her date. Of course she does. Jane asks if she’ll embarrass her and Maura says probably, but that she has also embarrassed Jane. OK, loverbirds, now I actually think you two should probably get a room because of all this eye sex is just shameless.

Jane whines that she wants to wear her work clothes to the cocktail attire-only event. Maura says she’ll buy her a dress. Playing dress up with Jane is like a regular thing now on this show. The look on Maura’s face admiring her spiffed up lady is definitely not to be missed. Nor are their legs in those heels.

Proving her embarrassing comments prophetic, Jane first uses Maura as a human shield to pick her wedgie and then double-fists the “good” (read again: really expensive) champagne. Plus she freaks out when whole fish is served for dinner. We get it, this is what happens when you bring the peasants in to feast amid the royals. Did I mention Jane even gets squirted by the fish?

I’d say the entire sequence was hackneyed and clichéd, but I just love Angie Harmon’s many variations on the “Jizz in My Pants” face.

At the party they find out that Sumner and Adam’s wife were having an affair, but they were actively involved in said affair while he was being killed. So there go suspects No. 1 and 2. But, wait a minute, the results from those weird, not sea salt affected fibers on the cashmere sweater came back. Garrett was using subpar materials because his company is broke. Come on down, suspect No. 3. This, obviously, makes Maura upset because not only did she date a guy, she also dated a murderous guy. What can I say, lots of girls go through a phase in college. It’s an experimental time.

Jane goes to check up on her. Maura says she should have seen it and Jane tells her she did: “There was a reason that you didn’t commit to him after college, there is a reason that you’re holding back now.” Yep, it’s called being super gay.

Maura then goes off on a scientific rant about how the oysters threw her off and his inhaler was really to treat Phenlobularmarkpaulgosselaar, a disorder caused by Alphatherecognizablegueststarkilledmeitis. Well, that’s what I heard. Jane is just as confused by the jargon and says, “Sweetie, I’m sorry, I don’t know why you’re telling me this.” I know I’m always calling my solely platonic co-workers sweetie while touching them on the shoulder and smiling lovingly like this.

Turns out Adam was only a half brother, as his weirdly named genetic diseases prove. So Garrett didn’t think he was killing his brother, just a half-breed. The ladies confront him, show him the piece of his expensive car he used to whack him, and then no amount of money can keep the cuffs off.

Jane and Maura celebrate back at the bar. Jane comes to the table with two champagne flutes filled with beer. Maura says if they’re going to drink her beer they might as well drink it her way. So here come the bottles. Before they take their first swigs, Maura tells Jane, “Remember when you asked me why I was slumming?” (Pause, bow-chicka-bow-wow, eye sex.) “Well, now you know.” Come on, that isn’t even subtext. That’s just out there for everyone to see.

With that, Maura tries her first taste of Jane’s beer and, to no one’s surprise, she dubs it “delicious.” Then Jane teases her, “Wait until you try a spucky.” I’m pretty sure I can’t print what, exactly, I hope a spucky is. But, trust me, Maura’s face says it all.

Writer’s Note: As an apology for taking an extra week to write this recap, how about a very special macros recap of the “I Kissed a Girl” episode for next week? Since I already wrote a full recap during the regular season, this would be just to wallow in the fun and eye sex of it all. Who’s in?

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