“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.05): Way to class up the joint

You know how people are always telling you how important it is to stretch first? Well, I finally think I understand why. Dr. Maura Isles and Det. Jane Rizzoli are stretching on a park bench while wearing tiny shorts. Please, ladies, continue stretching forever – you know, for health purposes.

While limbering up our gals are watching what looks like a man and woman flirt one bench over. Jane asks Maura if she believes in love at first sight. Maura calls it pure narcissism and says it takes quite a lot of effort to attract a mate. Well, she should know. She sure attracted the one standing next to her.

Maura is convinced people are attracted to people who are attracted to them. Wow, that’s like an endless chicken/egg debate for another day. Regardless, Jane is still convinced the man and woman across the way have hit up a love connection. That is until the man’s boyfriend arrives and gives him a big wet smooch. See, ladies, this is what happens when you’ve been in a couple for a long time – your gaydar needs a tune-up.

The ladies are saved from their massive gaydar fail shame when their cells ring simultaneously. Of course, it’s another case. Should have left your phones at home ‘cause this is a disaster – in that we don’t get to see them run together in their tiny shorts. Well, I feel devastated.

At the scene it’s a “floater,” which is charming police lingo for a dead body in the water. You don’t want to know what they call burn victims. The body doesn’t have an ID, but Maura knows him on sight. It’s the brother of a man she used to date – a very wealthy man. Jane gives Maura immediate big puppy dog eyes of concern and engages in a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching. That’s pretty high on her thigh there, Jane. Nicely done.

Jane asks if the relationship was serious and Maura says, “I was 20 – everything felt serious.” And by “everything” she means even relationships with boys. Also, even though she clearly made a youthful mistake dating the wrong gender and all, she tells Jane she will go with her to notify the family because “I own him that.” See, now why doesn’t Hallmark make a “Sorry we dated in college because I’m actually gay. Oh, and sorry about your dead brother” card that could handle this for her?

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