TV

Great LezBritain: “Lip Service” Recap – Episode Four

Frankie and Tess have packed up their troubles in an old kit bag because they’re moving into the new flat that the Artful Dodgeress has found them. Frankie only has a small bag because she’s so rock’n’roll that she only needs leather and a lens. Tess has blocked half of the street with her possessions and still has more stuff inside.

Frankie offers to help and goes back into Cat’s flat to get Tess’ last bits and bobs. Whilst gathering them up she enters the bathroom to see a scantily covered DS Murray coming out of the shower.

Frankie: Shit, sorry, I was just looking for Tess’ bag.

DS Murray: (hands her Tess’ bag) I’m Sam.

Frankie: Yes.

DS Murray: And you must be … Frankie. Cat’s told me all about you; it’s nice to finally meet you.

Frankie: Yeah.

Sarah: That was a bit weird really wasn’t it? Would you be that calm if your girlfriend’s ex randomly came into the bathroom while you were soaping your bits?

Lee: Sarah, she’s a policewoman; nothing fazes her. Every single day she looks danger right in the eye.

Frankie leaves the bathroom only to romantically gaze upon a scantily dressed Cat as she applies lipstick in her bedroom mirror. Cat reacts to this in exactly the way you would if you turned around to find your ex-girlfriend watching you like a creepy lovesick voyeur in your own home.

But luckily for Frankie, Cat is in no real mood to argue and Frankie responds to the harmony laid out by commenting on a vase in Cat’s room that she remembers belonging to Cat’s grandma. How quaint.

They start to talk about olden times but this bout of nostalgia is cut short when DS Murray comes in with her breasts flapping about, bold as brass it has to be said, and borrows Cat’s bra as she seems to not have one.

Sarah: What? This is weird too. Who would just walk in with their top off like that? And how can she have no bra, what did she come in?

Lee: What is wrong with you? Sarah no one cares about this ‘realism’. The hot cop has her breasts out and you’re ruining it.

Frankie is unsurprisingly feeling slightly under-abreast by the second viewing of the DS’ jugs and leaves to ride off with Tess in their taxi cab to pastures new. In transit, she spots some new headlines about Lou & Tom-the-Prick’s affair and gives Tess a big cuddle.

DS Murray and Cat have a smooch outside Cat’s office and sly old Alley-Cat Alistair catches them at it as he walks to work. When Cat approaches he snaps that she has to be in his office in 5 minutes.

Frankie and Tess arrive at their new flat, which is entered down the lane in Glasgow that features an amazing David Batchelor light installation.

The girls are enchanted by the absolute brilliance of the flat for it has bongos, booze and space to swing lots and lots of Cats. Ahem.

Alistair tells Cat of Hayley-the-fit-intern’s horse tranquilizer episode and calls into question Cat’s judgement in hiring her. He then reckons that she has been side-tracked lately and hops straight onto the matter of DS Murray:

Alistair: And which of the noble Sapphic professions does Sam belong to — social worker, PE teacher, freelance yoghurt maker?

Cat: She’s a detective sergeant.

Alistair: Well maybe she’ll be able to give you a few pointers next time on how to spot suspicious behaviour.

Cat looks afflicted and amused by her boss being such a nob.

Lee: I am surprised they don’t make Cat a bit angrier in this scene because he just stepped over the line with that yoghurt comment

Sarah: In all my years of professional lesbianism I’ve never met a freelance yoghurt maker

Settling into their new flat Tess tells Frankie that she’s likely to watch her ex-secret girlfriend Lou Foster on television and get drunk that day. They both eat Nutella straight from the jar and Frankie tells Tess to get right back into the throes of dating. She flings open a laptop and suggests speaking to women online, comparing its simplicity to ordering a pizza.

Lee: That’s not a great analogy is it?

Sarah: Not unless you’re ordering a hooker

Frankie: What do you want your username to be?

Tess: Clitoris.

Frankie: How are you spelling that?

Tess: Frank – I don’t want to do it!

Maybe because Tess has nothing else to do but finish the Nutella jar, Frankie persuades her to take on the cyber dating challenge and they set up a profile. At the question, ‘What are you looking for?’ they put ‘fisting’ instead of ‘friendship’. Oh we like these two together. Once again this scene smooths away some of Frankie’s teenage angst and we catch a glimpse of fun-guy-Frankie.

Cat tells Jay about Hayley-the-fit-intern’s alleged drug problem and he lies about having any knowledge of it. She then proceeds to tell him about Alistair holding her partially responsible and how he has changed towards her since finding out she’s a vagitarian. He tells her not to worry and glances at Alistair like a man who has gotten away with giving drugs to the fit intern by the skin of his teeth.

Frankie packs her bag for work and has another look at Francesca Alan’s death certificate, wondering again who the devil she is. As she arrives at work, Jay homes in on her like a man on the run demanding that she doesn’t tell Cat about fit-intern-drugs-gate because Alistair is blaming Cat for it and therefore it’s not necessary for him to be mentioned.

Frankie points out the obvious — that it’s pretty low of him to duck out of the Ketamine episode and let Cat take the blame – but before he can implore her silence anymore Cat approaches them.

Frankie tells Cat about her recent work developments and Cat smiles at her uncharacteristic work-like manner and questions why Frankie isn’t being her normal boundary-crossing, flirtatious self.

They head to drink tea in a café and Frankie scrapes her own nail into the table nail just to animate the blatancy of her disturbed mind even more.

Cat: Frankie what’s going on?

Frankie: Nothing

Cat: Come on you’re a crap liar, come on you’re all over the place

Frankie: Alright, you want to know what’s going on (hands her Francesca Alan’s death certificate and then really, really dramatically) – I’m dead.

Cat and Frankie re-run her life history then Frankie stares out the window forlornly and Cat scratches her head and scowls over the head-f**k of it all.

Cat: I’m just trying to make sense of it all. This (the death certificate) and the photo album… do you think she could be your mother – your real mother?

Sarah: What a modern-day Miss Marple Cat is.

Frankie is all over the shop and Cat tries to comfort her.

Tess is sitting on the couch with Ed knitting, watching ‘An Afternoon with Tom & Lou’, amazed at the amount of concealer it has taken to hide Tom-the-Prick’s nose bruise.

While Ed indulges in the memory of his knock-out blow, Tess looks at her internet dating candidates expressing that they are all munters or freakshows.

Just then a new one enters the fray. Tess seems to talk herself into thinking this one is a bit of a looker but really she looks like she was dragged out of a budget eighties clothes catalogue.

She hands Ed the laptop and asks him to use his wordsmith ways to seduce her. However, in a brave little attempt to break free from just hanging around and yearning for Tess constantly, he says no because he has a date with Melanie from his creative writing class.

Lee: Good for you Ed. I hope Melanie is nice.

Sarah: I hope she’s not a lesbian.

Cat suggests to Frankie that DS Murray could look up Annie Cawthorne but Frankie is resistant as she doesn’t want anyone knowing her affairs. Cat talks about having a mature relationship with the copper and Frankie allows herself to remark that she is pleased that Cat is happy. Their relationship finally seems to be converting into a sort of friendship.

Back in the office Jay admits to Frankie that he is feeling smothered by his hop onto the ladder of potential mortgage-dom with Becky. Frankie sits on his desk and makes him feel much better by telling him about all the things on higher rungs of the ladder like pets, children and nannies.

Meanwhile Cat phones the DS to ask her to research Annie Cawthorne — pretending she’s doing a favour for one of the secretaries.

Tess is in a gay bar on her date with the eighties catalogue model who has donned sparkles and chiffon for the affair.

The Catalogue-model talks about past internet dates who didn’t have a sense of adventure. Tess heads to the bar where a woman tries to start small talk with her but Tess brushes her off and returns to the Catalogue-model with two drinks in hand.

Ed and his date Melanie seem to be getting on great guns until Ed gives a Tess anecdote highlighting her madcap ways which then spirals into him getting pretty serious about Tess’ personality flaws. Melanie seems unsettled by Ed’s intense brooding over Tess.

Meanwhile Tess has gone home with the catalogue model and is having a right good time undressing and being undressed by her new squeeze. But the sexual flurry is interrupted by a third party seating himself in front of them.

Creepy beardy Man: Alright hen?

Tess: (obviously freaked out) Sorry um, who is this?

Catalogue-model: This is Dougie, Douglas my husband, but don’t worry he just likes to watch. Now where were we?

Tess: No, no, no — sorry I thought you were gay?

Ed’s date has taken a further downward turn as he and Melanie fundamentally disagree on the sentiment they feel over Philip Roth and Ed continues to bang on about Tess as if he has never mentioned her before. Melanie declines the offer of more Vino and hot-steps it out of the pub giving Ed the ultimate brush off: “I’ll call you”

Sarah: I wasn’t feeling her anyway.

Lee: Nah, he can do better.

Tess is scrambling her clothes together whilst the couple tell her that this was their attempt at trying to spice things up on a relationship that has gone a bit flat in the bedroom department. Tess is very understanding and positive about their attempt to enhance things and her chatter turns into a Trisha-esque (or DR Phil-esque for the Americans) therapy session with Tess guiding the pair back to true love while she leaves with her clothes askew.

DS Murray comes home late explaining she’s had a pig of a day and Cat offers her wine and provides a head rub. However she can’t help but have Frankie’s anguish at the forefront of her mind and so asks the DS whether has had a chance to look up Annie Cawthorne.

DS: The Annie Cawthorne registered to that address is an alias for an Alma Carter.

Cat: An alias, she’s a criminal?

DS: She’s got a couple of priors for petty theft but we’re talking way back — 30 years or more.

Possibly because she’s a hot cop who is used to interviewing cheating criminals, DS Murray suspects that Cat isn’t being entirely truthful about this matter and tries to catch her out by asking again who the information is for. Cat lies again but has a face etched with guilt.

Sitting in her flat drinking beer, Frankie is disturbed by her doorbell. Hopeful that it’s Cat, she can’t help but express her disappointment when Sadie comes bounding in with her Nan King-esque swagger.

Sadie: I wanted to see how you were settling in — like it?

Frankie: Yeah, it’s alright.

Sadie: Alright? It fucking rocks — do you know how lucky you are to be shagging me?

Lee: I love Sadie. Love. Her.

Sarah: I don’t know why people don’t like her more She brings a little bit of East End joy to every scene she’s in.

They drink beer, straight from the bottle – as lesbians do – but Frankie passes up the chance to get fresh when Sadie goes to kiss her.

Sarah: Wait a minute, Frankie is brooding over something and yet she has not chosen to f**k the pain away? There may well be a new Frankie in town.

Lee: I think she should have shagged Sadie though. She deserved it with the flat and all. Bit rude not to.

Guilt-ridden Cat brings the DS breakfast in bed but freaks out when she remembers that she’s got a luncheon date with her parents. Quite alarmingly DS Murray responds to this by shouting out ‘Parents??’ really loudly – as if Cat having parents is some sort of crazy foreign idea she hadn’t expected. Cat ignores this strangeness and tells her she could come with. Again the DS acts as if this is the strangest thing she has ever heard by yelling: ‘What?’ However it is agreed that the DS will meet the MacKenzies and now she’s over the shock of it, the DS appears to be left feeling venerable by the prospect.

Tess wakes up and walks across her flat wearing very big slippers on her feet, and in the flat opposite, she eye-spies the woman who tried to talk to her last eve at the lesbi-bar. Due to the unexpectedness of this recall, when the woman turns her way, Tess drops to the floor. She looks a little happy-excited.

Jay continues to freak out about his new financial ties with girlfriend Becky and again Frankie is on hand to stir up his feelings of woe. To reassert the fact that he’s still the Jaygermeister he tells Frankie that he snogged Hayley.

Frankie: No wonder she had to take drugs.

Cat pulls Frankie aside to tell her what the DS found out about the ‘who the f**k is Annie Cawthorne’ puzzle. Frankie then gives a synopsis of the situation with the most melodramatic interpretation she could possibly muster.

Frankie: Great, this is great. So I’m dead. I’m connected to a criminal and there’s some strange drug dealer bloke that keeps following me about.

Cat tries to calm her down but Frankie darts away from their tete-a-tete like she’s just been released from an elastic band.

Ed is waiting impatiently in Tess’ bedroom while she finishes getting ready for their lunch date with his parents. As she dresses, she regales him with tales of the catalogue model and Dougie and then stops to have another gaze into the opposite flat in hope of spotting her new bit of eye-candy.

Lunch is a splendid affair. Ed and Cat’s mum Judy — played brilliantly by Phyllis Logan – holds court while dad Jerry sits quietly with a vacant expression on his chubby little face trying to build sandcastles with napkins.

Judy enquires after DS Murray’s day, checking out the potential of her new daughter-in-law.

Lee: Ha, DS Murray really is a daughter-IN-LAW

DS: Actually I’ve been in court giving evidence against a serial rapist.

Sarah: Bloody hell Samantha, you really haven’t been on many ‘meet the parents’ lunches

Judy: Rape, now that is not very nice.

Cat: Conjunctivitis is not very nice mother, breaking a fingernail is not very nice, but I think rape qualifies as something slightly worse than that

Judy: Yes she takes things very literally does our Catherine, always has. I think she might be slightly autistic.

Lee: Mums are ALWAYS the best in lesbian dramas

Sarah: Always. Like the mum in Kissing Jessica Stein

Lee: She’s a genius. But not quite as brilliant as Rachel’s mum in Imagine Me & you

Frankie walks up to Uncle Fester’s house and flicks out a cigarette, a bit of Dutch courage before she knocks on his door and asks for the truth about her family history.

The source of Cat’s often furrowed brow is becoming much clearer as Judge Judy commentates on each member of the table – apart from Jerry who is very much a silent witness. Firstly she cross-examines the copper on her salary, then boasts about the genius of Ed’s ‘science book’, asks Tess about her acting and then complains about Cat’s lengthy and expensive studies to become an architect.

Sensing her girlfriend’s discomfort, the DS swoops in to deflect the negativity directed towards Cat into a positive by telling Judy that Cat’s good-doings must be down to her. Judy accepts this faux-bashfully and comments on how proud she is of her daughter — perhaps for the first time ever. Cat beams an absolutely stunning smile of thanks at the DS and her eyes flash out a simple message: “You are so going to get it tonight.”

Frankie goes to see Uncle Fester and apologies for her ill-behaviour at dead Aunt Carol’s funeral. She then asks him where she came from and he gives a sarcastic and entirely unoriginal response about the birds and the bees. She whips out Francesca Alan’s death certificate.

Uncle Fester: Everything we did we did was in your best interest.

Frankie: And who’s Alma Carter — is she my mother, my real mother?

Uncle Fester: (In an utterly unconvincing tone) I don’t know who you’re talking about, I’ve never heard of this…

Frankie continues to quiz and Uncle Fester tells her to stop snooping about because it will only lead to more heartache for her. She leaves distressed.

Lee: I do feel crap for Frankie; this is an unpleasant state of affairs

Back at lunch Cat and Tess visit the little girls’ room and Judy tells Ed that he and Tess would make a delightful couple. He points out that she’s gay so her suggestion of them being together is a ridiculous one.

Judy: I think we’re all a bit gay dear, aren’t we…

And with that line, Phyllis Logan has stolen the episode.

Frankie tries to call Cat, but because she is on the toilet Sam picks up and so Frankie hangs up – another stark reminder that Cat’s loyalties lie with the copper and not with her. DS Murray nods to herself at Frankie ending the call — if she had any suspicions of Frankie having romantic intentions towards her woman they may well be being solidified in her head.

Frankie calls Sadie and goes to see her. Sadie has settled herself in a spectacular house because the rich woman she was shagging the night before flew off to Paris that morning and left her with the keys.

Sarah: It would be obvious within one second of Sadie the fingersmith swaggering into your life that she’s not to be trusted, yet people keep giving her things.

Frankie pours herself some vodka. She’s going to drink the pain away.

Cat and Sam walk through Glasgow holding hands, looking and acting very much the lesbian lovebirds. The guilt from last night begins to etch over Cat’s face again as the DS tries to kiss her. Cat stops her and admits to feeling wholly rubbish because DS Murray is truly a magnificent girlfriend.

Cat: I lied to you.

DS Murray: About what? (in a way that suggests she has been waiting for this)

Cat: That name, it wasn’t for one of the secretaries, it was for Frankie.

DS Murray: Of course it was. I was just wondering when you were going to tell me.

Sarah: When will Cat realise that the DS is like a much, much fitter Jessica Fletcher? You can’t hide things from her

Cat assures DS Murray that Frankie is purely a friend and the DS accepts this but tells her not to lie to her again in a tone that leaks a little desperation.

Frankie and Sadie are absolutely wasted and piss about in their new palace pretty much trashing the place like the cast of Skins. Looking like a twisted Leonardo Dicaprio in Romeo and Juliet, Frankie stares at fish in a tank until her very own Juliet brings her more drugs.

Cat and Sam get frisky on their taxi ride home. Although they are aware that the cabby has one eye on this lesbian floor show, Cat pulls DS Murray’s hand in between her thighs and any inhibitions she may have had are dismissed because her lust for her lady are greater.

Lee: I’m not sure that I have ever seen that much tongue in a kissing scene on TV before.

Sarah: Nice, if anything.

Frankie is absolutely wrecked on her cocktail of booze and drugs and clambers onto the roof of the house until she is literally a woman on the edge looking down at cars and people going by. As the intensity of her precarious position builds, she is snapped out of it by the Artful Dodgeress’ shout of cockney confusion.

Sadie: Frankie, what the f**k are you doing?

Tess is drinking beer, straight from the bottle – as lesbians do – clearly half-cut and doing absolutely spot-on impersonations of Judy at lunch.

Ed: Do you know what my mum also said; she said we’d make a really attractive couple.

Tess: Urgh, mental!

The doorbell buzzes loudly representing the sound that Ed’s little heart just made as Tess unknowingly zapped it with blatant rejection.

The Jaygermister enters the flat with a plastic bag of booze, a song in his heart, and a party at his feet.

Frankie and Sadie are having a bath together, looking like a Dazed & Confused photoshoot when Frankie suddenly asks Sadie to ‘Shave’.

Initially a bit perturbed by the request, Sadie then moves onto the side of the bath and begins to shave her pubic hair.

Sarah: Frankie should have been a bit more specific when she said ‘Shave’ because Sadie could easily have just started razoring off the hair on her head.

Lee: Ha or her eyebrows. I wish she had just started shaving her eyebrows.

The shaving feels slightly odd and uncomfortable to watch until Frankie whips out her camera and begins to photograph Sadie doing it with all the aplomb of artist and muse and suddenly it becomes art and looks a little bit beautiful. They are both aroused and become very passionate together until they hear a knock on the bathroom door.

Elderly voice: Hello? Josephine is that you, it’s me Lainie. I’m here to feed your fish.

Sadie is finding the interruption very amusing but Frankie is eyes-wide with her hand over Sadie’s mouth to stop her laughing.

Next, they stand like two naughty school girls as they are questioned by a police officer about their presence in the flat. The elderly woman tells the policeman that they must have broken in and the policeman believes her because they do look like two f**kwits that have just been washed up onto the banks of the River Clyde. Plus Sadie’s druggie gurning and helpful assertion that ‘Josephine is a bit of a screamer in the bedroom’ doesn’t help much.

The police officer is about to take them down the Nick but a thread of panic spreads across Frankie’s face and she tells him to call DS Murray.

Jay and Ed are pouring lots of booze and Tess sneaks off to peer into the flat opposite again. She’s in luck because the woman is home, but this luck runs out when Tess’ new would-be fancy woman just draws her curtains.

Ed: What are you looking at?

Tess: Nothing — just another missed opportunity.

She collapses onto the sofa and heightens her mission to get extremely drunk.

DS Murray saves Frankie and Sadie’s skin by telling the police officer that they have consent to be there. When he leaves, the DS turns on them with a face like fizz.

DS Murray: Tell me why I should do this — why should I have to vouch for you two?

Sadie laughs like a nutter.

Cat: Who is this Frankie?

Frankie: This is Sadie, my girlfriend.

DS Murray: Your girlfriend Frankie? Your standards are dropping.

Sadie: Piss off (continues gurning)

DS Murray: Just clean up this mess and get the hell out of here.

The DS is angered, Cat is apologetic, Frankie is still trying to be complex and Sadie really likes licking her gums.

Frankie returns to her flat and Jay informs her that his need to get plastered is due to getting his mortgage that day. They drink till dawn all slumped in the front room.

Tess is the first to rouse herself and heads to bed and Ed decides to head off home declining the offer to stay in Tess’ bed with her.

Frankie: You should stay. The state she’s in, you won’t even need Rohypnol.

Ed: Piss off Frankie.

Frankie and Jay raid the fridge to look for more alcohol as they appear to have drunk the place dry. Becky tries to call Jay but he ignores her and Frankie questions why all is not well with them? They are both very drunk and Jay rambles on and then attempts to crack a little bit of Frankie’s hard exterior.

Jay: So tell me Frankie… is there someone, anyone that grabs your heart and f**ks with your head, because I don’t know if I can do it. Frankie?

Frankie: Cat.. it’s always been Cat.

She begins to cry. He gently kisses her face to try and comfort her but then this leads to something far from platonic and he starts to kiss her lips.

Although Frankie’s eyes initially look bemused, her need for sex as comfort, his need for sex as reinforcement of his virile, free masculinity and their two intoxicated brains all collide and lead them to sleep together.

Lee: This is a sad f**k.

Sarah: Sad for Becky and sad for Cat.

Lee: And sad for Frankie and Jay’s friendship.

Tess goes to the kitchen for some water to dilute the bottle of tequila she devoured earlier and catches them making rumpy-pumpy in bed together. Her eyes pop like saucers and her mouth drops to the floor.

Lee: She’ll be thinking of the stubble rash that Frankie will have in the morning.

Sarah: Nothing worse than a hangover, a heart full of regret and a face full of stubble rash.

So lesbians, episode 4. Done. What did you think?

 

 

 

Register for tickets to the Lip Service Finale party on 16th November here: www.greatlezbritain.co.uk

Buy tickets for ‘An Evening With Heather Peace’ on 18th November here: www.wegottickets.com

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button