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“Coronation Street” recap: Outed like a Teletubbie

Last time: Sophie and Sian got caught snogging after the dozen kids they were babysitting were tucked safely in bed. They got worried because they didn’t know if Claire was going to call Kristy Thomas over at Baby-Sitters Club HQ and out them. But they were worrying about the wrong thing, because: a) Kristy was always obviously gay for Mary Anne, and b) unbeknownst to them, one of the kids, Aadi, had fallen six inches off the couch and gently knocked his noggin on the carpeted floor, which, of course, caused a massive hemorrhage that nearly killed him dead.

This time: Sophie and Sian are all fancied up for Roy and Hayley’s wedding – you remember: Sally volunteered the church choir’s services for the ceremony like two recaps ago – flipping through magazines at the Webster’s while Sally and Kevin reminisce about Sophie’s angelic voice from childhood. For some reason, they decide to sing their praise through the immortal genius of the Teletubbies. Sally’s like, “Tinky!winky!” and Kevin’s all, “Dipsy! La La!” Sian giggles – as you do when your girlfriend’s parents are showcasing their insanity.

Sally tells Sophie to cheer up, that she’s got a gift and to not “hide her light under a bushel.” And down the stairs comes Rosie, whose dress says that she also refuses to hide her light under a bushel. (I’m thiiiisclose to shipping Rosie with Katie Fitch.)

Kevin makes a boderline inappropriate joke about Liberace’s tie collection, but we’ll overlook it because the doorbell rings and it’s child services and they want to know which lesbian walloped Tiny Aadi in the head the night they were babysitting. Sophie and Sian plead their excuses about being late for the wedding while Sally gets hysterical on the social workers. Awesomely, Rosie puts the whole thing to bed with a simple theological explanation: “Sophie and Sian are, like, total Christians. It’s against their code or whatever to maim children.”

I don’t really know how to prepare you for what happens next, so I’m just going to blurt it out. The whole street is going to the wedding together, and so they take a hired bus (upon which the beer and champagne flows freely) to the motherf–king Hogwarts Express! I am not even kidding! It’s like there’s drink and a sing-alongs and then – ACCIO! – a steam engine! And there’s snacks! On the steam engine!

The whole time — outside the bus and on the bus and on the train — Sally gives Claire the stinkeye about, “Why did you tell child services Sophie punched a baby in the head when clearly you’re the only one around her who would do that?”

Also, look at Rosie’s Confrontation Face. It’s total Mean Girls. Oh, Rosie. You make Fetch happen.

Claire is uncomfortable and so am I. But not so uncomfortable that I would miss an opportunity to attend the best wedding in the history of the world! I swear to God, you guys, if they end up at Hogwarts, I am moving to Manchester tomorrow. Do you know a Mancunian woman to marry? Also, possibly, we will need to bring a translator into our marriage.

On the way back from her third trip to the loo, Claire pulls Sophie aside and says she won’t tell anyone about seeing her and Sian kissing. Sally sees them talking and marches over and gets all up in Claire’s nut about upsetting her daughter. She thinks about it for a second, and is like, “Should I say all the absolutely most horrible and imaginary things I can think of? … yeah, why not.” And so she does. Sophie begs her mum to shut her gob, begs her dad to make her mum shut her gob, but Claire has liked flipped the switch to whatever dark place your soul goes when you decide to start commenting on YouTube videos.

Finally, Claire has had enough of the verbal lashing and so she shouts, “If you want the truth, anything could have happened whilst [Sophie and Sian] were in charge because they weren’t looking after the kids. THEY WERE SNOGGING THE FACE OFF EACH OTHER.”

And OK, firstly, Claire, I have seen Sian kiss and it is a marvel. No one’s face is getting snogged off under the ministry of those tender lips. And secondly – I don’t remember.

Sally, unsurprisingly, just freaks out. Her face. Actually, I think we should just evaluate everyone’s reactions to the news.

Actually, it’s not news; it’s “news,” until Sophie confirms it – which she does not do. Instead she’s like, “Me? Kissing Sian? The most beautiful girl with the most beautiful lips and the gayest button-up shirt collection in all of Weatherfield? Puh-lease.”

Claire wants to leave, but Sally – whoo boy, I would not want to get into a fight with Sally – just keeps on screaming. She goes, “It’s childish and petty! Just pluck the worst thing out of the air and throw it at Sophie because you’ve got something to hide!”

Gay Sean taps her on the shoulder, all, “Um, sorry to interrupt, but-” And his friend says, “I can think of a lot worse things to be called.” That’s hilarious.

Claire stomps off the train and Sally continues to shriek and shriek and shriek. Like, probably there are banshee trackers out somewhere in the Irish countryside with high-tech sound equipment and stuff, and now they’re headed straight for wherever this wedding is taking place because Sally has totally registered as “Entire Gaggle Of Squealing Spirits” on their Mythology Vector.

Sally’s head looks like it is going to blow off her shoulders. Sophie and Sian look as shifty as shifty can be. And somewhere Rosie is just sipping champagne and humming some the Teletubbies theme song.

Tomorrow: The most poignant, moving wedding you’ve ever seen. And Sophie goes full-on Gryffindor.

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