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“Coronation Street” recap: Muggles and O.W.L.S.

Last time: Sophie’s mum forbade Sophie from seeing Sian on account of the whole hoodlums-on-the-run thing they did at the music festival. And so Sophie and Sian joined the church choir so they could hook up in God’s house – because they don’t call it “getting to know someone Biblically” for nothing. (Wherein “hook-up” = “eyeshag,” by the way.)

This time: The entire Webster family is sitting around the table waiting for Sophie’s GCSE exam results to be texted to her. I can’t really speak intelligently about the British school system because everything I know about it comes from Harry Potter, but I think this is pretty normal, right? I mean, Harry, Ron and Hermione waited for their O.W.L.S. like this, and Hermione clutched onto the boys’ arms so hard it made them bleed. Sophie’s not doing that, though. She’s mellow. Because she’s Sophie.

When her results come through, she can’t look at them because she’s too nervous, so Rosie – in true sisterly fashion – scoops up the phone and squeals about how she made all As and A-stars (A-pluses?), except for one B in Religious Studies. Rosie kisses Sophie on the cheek because she’s glad she’s not actually perfect, and says, “There is a God!” Sophie goes, “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.” And, you guys, I really hope they explore this God/gay thing. I think, just based on the writing so far, that they can really do it well.

(I just surprised myself writing that! With American TV, I’m always like, “Oh, good. Another baby storyline.” Or, “Oh, good. She left him for a dude.” Or, “Oh, good. Zero gays.” And now I’m like two months into Corrie and I’m like, “Oh, I hope the writers tackle this nuanced, difficult, supremely important thing because they are that awesome.” Huh. How about that.)

Sophie asks to ring Sian, and Sophie’s dad agrees. Sophie’s mum gives him the stink-eye, and he goes, “She’s actually only ever made one mistake in her life and she just aced her exams; maybe we should let her off her leash so she can get some fresh air.”

Sian agrees to come to the shop later, and so she does, whining a little about her exam results, but mostly using it as a segue to ask if she can be Sophie’s trophy girlfriend: “Promise me that when you’re like this rich business women, you’ll come and save me from the tills at Freshco.” Sophie pinkie promises, which is the cutest thing – because Sian is hinting at the future and Sophie is hinting back. “Are you thinking about me and you beyond right this second?” “Yeah, I pinkie promise I am.”

But is Freshco a real place? Is it like Tesco? Because the one thing I know about Tesco from my UK travels is that they have the best chocolate chip cookies IN THE WORLD OH MY GOD.

Sian wants to have some champagne and chocolate [chip cookies?!] to celebrate, and I have it on good authority that this is how Sophie responds: “Are you joking? Can you imagine my mum comes over for a Curly Whirly and then there’s me and you bladdered on the floor with our champagne bottles?”

Is that … is she quoting lines from Dr. Seuss? Are the Curly Whirlys cousins of the Whos? “What cackhanded numpties we would be if the bladdered Curly Whiryls found us flattened on the floor! In the store! Out the door!” “You’re a bore! Pour me more!”

Corrie is having a most profound impact on my vocabulary.

There is a woman who is named Claire and she has a lot of kids and she also is babysitting a lot of kids. She is a ginger mum and I am tempted to call her a Weasley because of both of those things, but her hair’s a bit too light – lighter even than my non-Weasley favorite ginger, Amy Pond – and Ron from the birthday party is nowhere to be found. Also, frankly, she comes off like a Muggle by the end of this episode anyway. So Muggle Claire gets a call that her mum is in the hospital. She rushes down to the shop where Sophie says she’ll take care of the kids, just to go. And Sian says she’ll tend the till.

Later that night, while Sophie and Sian are upstairs wrestling the kids to bed, two of the downstairs kids gets get into a scuffle over a Nintendo DS. One of them falls and bonks his head and stays on the floor an awfully long time – I mean, really! It’s carpeted and it’s less than a two foot drop! – before getting up and cuddling back with the other kid.

Sophie rushes downstairs all, “Did one of you just crush your skull in a way that is going to harsh the buzz of my future makeout sessions with Sian?” They say no. And she believes them, even though I know she grew up on this very street, where a person can get an incurable cancer by going to the post office.

After the kids are in bed, Sophie and Sian snuggle on the couch.

Sian: Can you imagine doing this all the time? Just hanging out and watching telly?

Sophie: I know. That wallpaper would have to go, though.

Sian: Definitely.

Free tip: When you have your legs in a girl’s lap and she’s playing with her ponytail like that, she wants to kiss you.

And man. I told myself I wasn’t going to do this. Damn you, British TV! Your honesty is a marvel to me! You know what’s the sweetest about this scene? Remember when Sophie said she wanted to watch TV without Rosie sitting between them? Just so she could hold Sian’s hand? This is an allusion to that, of course. But also it is an allusion to that thing earlier, down in the shop, about the future. On one level it’s a longing to simply being able to watch TV at the Webster’s without having to hide their affection. But on the other level, they’re both saying our telly, our wallpaper. It’s a longing to know this matters beyond their youth. Which is so, so real.

Sian leans in and kisses Sophie, and I just – I cannot believe this is happening so sweetly on the kind of TV show people watch with their parents. It’s amazing. And perfect. Perfectly amazing.

Muggle Claire comes home to find the two girls kissing and makes all manner of shocked faces. And here I go again: This is a good storytelling device because the writers have already set it up so the audience is rooting for Sophie and Sian. And so when someone discovers their secret, we go, “Oh no! Don’t ruin their relationship!” Which makes us root for Sophie and Sian even more. Because they are now under pressure, together, from the outside. We see the story from Sophie and Sian’s eyes, instead of Muggle Claire’s eyes, and so automatically we believe they are the good guys and if Muggle Claire reacts with anything other than acceptance, she is the bad guy. Well, not bad. That’s overly-simplistic. You know what I mean: These lesbian teenagers have been written in a way that puts everyone in the audience on their team.

Also, I’m sorry, but, you guys, Sian is a good kisser.

Muggle Claire sneaks out and stomps back in and slams the door and shouts out their names and, like, invents new ways to be awkward. Sophie’s like, “Hey, can you not tell my mum Sian was here?” And Claire just gapes and sweats some more. Outside Sophie and Sian try to deconstruct the mystery of Muggle Claire’s whole “I hope you weren’t bored” thing. Sophie’s like, “F-ck it; I’ll walk you to the bus stop.”

Remember that kid that fell off the couch earlier? I bet you fifty-eleven gazillion dollars he’s going to get a Soap Tumor and Sophie is going to get blamed. Until then, I remain … smitten, actually. Yeah. Smitten. Sophie and Sian, you got me!

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