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“Grey’s Anatomy” minicap: “Can’t Fight Biology”

Welcome back, Grey’s Anatomy fans, to Season 7, Episode 4: “Can’t Fight Biology.” Actually, you can fight biology. I fought biology during my junior year and lost with a D+. Biology is a bitch!

Since all the doctors on this show live together, morning means too many people crammed into one bathroom. Lexi is shaving her pretty legs, Avery is taking a shower and Alex is brushing his teeth and pushing April away from the mirror while she’s trying to do her hair.

Meredith and Derek poke their heads into the bathroom (a la Mr. and Mrs. Mike Brady) to watch the chaos. Derek says to Meredith, “You know, this isn’t normal?” THANK YOU! Finally someone is addressing the elephant in the room, now all of you need to MOVE OUT!

Callie and Arizona are getting their freak on (thank you, Shonda Rhimes!), so Mark has to knock on their bedroom door. Callie forgot that she and Mark are supposed to work out and Arizona replies, “This is just like working out, just more fun.” The impatient Mark busts through the door, sees the naked Calzona in action and says, “Nice!” My sentiments exactly! Lock you door ladies. Or at least put a sock on the doorknob.

Owen and Cristina are house hunting. Their realtor takes them to an old fire station that, with a lot of work, can be converted into a home. (Is that legal and up to code?) Owen likes the place, while Cristina seems completely disinterested. The best is when Cristina checks out the fireman’s pole in disgust.

Even though I know Cristina and Owen are an imaginary couple, I still worry that if they ever have an imaginary kid that he or she might accidentally fall through the fireman pole hole in the floor and get injured. Good thing Cristina and Owen are both doctors.

Speaking of kids, the McDreamys are at an obstetrician’s office trying to figure out how to make a McBaby. The doctor comes in (she resembles Lisa Ling. I love Lisa Ling!) and tells the McDreamys there are some “issues” that they need to discuss. Meredith learns that she has a “hostile” uterus, which might have caused her miscarriage and might cause another one in the future. Derek tries to calm her down and Meredith snaps back, “How would you feel if she called your penis angry or snide?” Personally, I’d be pissed! And very confused.

Derek puts it all in perspective, “The important thing is that you’re healthy. Just think of all the fun we’re going to have trying now.” I just flashed back to the puppet sex scene from the film Team America. Do yourself a favor and watch it!

Chief Weber pages Dr. Bailey and tells her that he needs to take her clinic and turn it into a Bariatric center. Lap-bands for everyone! Seattle Grace has been in survival mode since the shootings and they desperately need to make money. Bailey gets pissed and says, “It’s my turn to have Cristina Yang on my service. That’s all the fight I have in me today.” Bailey, I’ll happily take Cristina off your hands and service her for you.

Meredith and Cristina compare their lives: Hostile Uterus vs. House Hunting with Hubby Owen. Cristina says she is taking baby steps by referring to Owen as her “husband.” Lexi interrupts and asks when April and Avery are moving out. Lexi finds April to be too annoying to live with. Cristina, being Cristina, turns to Lexi and says, “Really? I find you much more annoying.” I love Cristina.

Just then April flies by screaming that a car ran into a laundromat and there are multiple traumas to tend to. Yep, she is annoying and loud. OK, Seattle Grace staff, let’s go work on our traumas. This is a hospital, isn’t it? Meredith heads towards the ambulances and asks Cristina if she’s coming along. Cristina replies, “Baby steps don’t include multiple traumas.” Take your time Cristina. And take your top off. Who wrote that?

Teddy is walking down the hallway and Arizona pops up out of nowhere. Arizona tells Teddy that she needs to start sleeping with Mark again. Teddy’s response is, “I do?” That’s an odd response. A normal response would be “No!” or “No, thank you!” or “Arizona you’re not my pimp so you don’t get to tell me who I sleep with!”

Arizona needs Teddy to distract Mark so he leaves her and Callie alone. Arizona says, “It’s like I’m dating Mark against my will.” Teddy is too tired to have sex with anyone since she’s been working longer and harder at the hospital dealing with her inefficient intern Avery.

Arizona: At least he’s nice to look at.

Teddy: True.

Avery and Alex have been standing behind them the whole time and heard everything they said. Alex says to Avery, “You just got called a dumb blonde.” Oh, snap!

April and Lexi have been paired up to work together on Mrs. Ruth Fisher from Six Feet Under. Mrs. Fisher drove her car through the laundromat and injured multiple people.

Meredith’s patient, who was hit by the out of control car, says to Meredith in another language, “Do you have a condom?” Meredith doesn’t have one on her. The patient reveals that she has the fatal Huntington’s disease. She wants to spend her remaining days traveling and having sex with strangers. You go girl!

Callie, Arizona and Alex’s patient is a male dancer named Jake and he has cancer. Jake’s parents are very supportive of his career and want him to get back on his feet for an upcoming production of Swan Lake. Should someone tell Jake that Natalie Portman already got the role?

In the clinic, Bailey and Cristina’s patient is vomiting up live worms. The worms are a part of his research and he claims they are the cure for asthma. I have asthma! If a clear warm helps me breathe better, then bring it on!

WormMan ingested the insects 343 days earlier and he’s been asthma free for six months. Bailey tells him that the worms have caused a massive bowel obstruction and he needs to have surgery. The man pleads to let the worms stay in his body because the surgery will ruin his three years of research.

Cristina tells Bailey that she thinks their patient is crazy. WormMan isn’t the one who married Owen out of fear of being alone. Bailey replies, “Am I crazy to trust you to take care of my patient?” Being scolded by Bailey is like being scolded by a parent. Now go to your room!

Mark makes a dinner reservation for three, assuming Callie and Arizona will join him. Arizona claims she doesn’t eat sushi (obviously, that’s not true) to get out of dinner. She instead tells Mark and Callie go have dinner without her. (To all you who enjoy the Mark and Callie friendship, I’ve decided to try and be supportive of their bromance, even though I still think it’s weird. Sincerely, Bridget.)

Teddy, Meredith and Avery are working with Ms. Huntington’s disease. Teddy informs her that she has a ruptured diaphragm and she needs to have surgery. Teddy asks Avery how she should operate and Avery says something about using mesh. That’s incorrect! Come on Avery even I knew that one. Then it’s Meredith’s turn. She offers up a different approach, which Teddy concurs with and therefore Meredith gets to scrub in on the surgery. Ms. Huntington asks if Avery can still hang out with her and be her eye candy.

Teddy exits and Avery chases her down the hallway. With his baby blue eyes fluttering, he tells her that he knows he’s been off his game and begs her to let him scrub in and participate in the surgery. Teddy’s knees knock and she says yes to his request.

April and Lexi are paired together to work with Mrs. Fisher. They disagree on Mrs. Fisher’s condition and Lexi snaps at April and says, “Well, you do outrank me so just do what you want to do.” April suggests starting a chore wheel at Meredith’s house to make sure all the roommates are pitching in and cleaning up. Lexi asks April if she is planning on officially moving into Meredith’s place. Meredith comes over and April asks her about her chore wheel and how her morning doctor’s appointment went. Meredith loves the chore wheel idea and says the appointment went fine. Lexi feels out of the loop and asks Meredith to tell her about her appointment and Meredith blows her off. Lexi is jealous that Meredith is being more sisterly to April than to her.

Jake the dancer finds out that the chemo didn’t work and the doctor’s have to cut off his leg to keep the cancer from spreading. Jake, who is understandably upset over this news, begs for his leg. Jake asks Alex if he can show him how important his leg is to him by dancing. What??? So Alex, Callie, Arizona, and Jake’s parents all go to an empty room in the hospital and watch Jake work his Mia Michaels magic by performing a contemporary dance routine. When Jake finishes dancing he turns to the doctors and asks them to build him a leg to let him dance the way he just danced. The whole time Jake was dancing I kept thinking “There are other patients in this hospital that need attention right now!” At the same time, if I had to get my leg cut off I would dance my ass off to keep it too.

April, Meredith and Cristina are eating lunch in the hallway and talking about Meredith’s hostile uterus. Lexi joins them but the girls laugh at her and treat her like Lindsay Lohan’s character in Mean Girls.

Avery and Alex join them, and Alex makes fun of Avery for being a brainless hottie. But Avery insists that he has the situation under control. Alex asks for suggestions on how to save Jake’s leg. April pipes in with an idea and Alex thanks her and runs off.

Owen pages Cristina to the operating room. Owen is in the middle of surgery and he tells Cristina that he might have found a house for them and it’s located close to Meredith’s house. (Aww, It’s really sweet that Owen is trying to find a place that will make his wife happy.)

Cristina says, “You paged me to talk real estate?” She exits and heads back to check on WormMan.

While Callie, Arizona and Alex are trying to figure out a cure for their dancing patient Callie asks Arizona point blank, “You don’t like Mark, admit it!”

Arizona: I like Mark.

Callie: Liar!

While Callie and Arizona bicker about their three’s-a-crowd relationship with Mark, Alex finds a possible cure for Jake’s cancer, which would enable Jake to keep his leg.

Back in the clinic, WormMan isn’t getting any better and Cristina decides that Bailey needs to operate on him immediately. WormMan pleads that if they have to do surgery at least save the worms that are inside of him. He tells Cristina that finding the cure for asthma is his life’s purpose.

Ms. Huntington attempts to fill out forms and sign off on her surgery but her hand starts to spasm. Meredith asks if she’s told her primary doctor about her worsening condition, which she hasn’t. Ms. Huntington tells Meredith that she watched her own mother die from Huntington’s and she knows how the disease progresses. Meredith then goes to see the Chief to ask him questions about her mother’s Alzheimer’s disease. Meredith fears that she might have the gene for Alzheimer too.

WormMan is ready for surgery. Bailey asks Cristina if she would like to scrub in or observe the surgery. Cristina thanks her but says she’s still not ready yet. Take your time Cristina. And if you need a hug, call me!

Jake’s procedure has only been done a few times in the world (the Seattle Grace doctors love performing experimental surgeries). Callie and Arizona would need to remove the bone from Jake’s leg, use radiation on the bone to kill the cancer and then re-insert the bone in hopes that the cancer won’t return. Jake agrees to the surgery and I question if that surgery could really happen, in real life.

Mrs. Fisher is too scared to talk to the cops for fear that she’ll be arrested for driving through the laundromat. Lexi comes to her defense and says Mrs. Fisher might have passed out right before the accident and therefore the accident wasn’t really her fault. Lexi needs to do a Tilt Test to be sure. Lexi exits and April follows her out and says she’s not authorized to do that test. Lexi, these tests are expensive. Tilt Tests don’t grow on trees!

While Teddy and Meredith operate on Ms. Huntington, they discuss how they would live the last days of their lives. Can’t the patients still hear what’s happening while their being operated on? Stop talking about death and play some Lady Gaga while you work. On second thought, put on Sia!

During the surgery Avery stares into Teddy’s eyes and asks if he can do the diaphragm repair. Teddy pauses, looks confused and then says, no, he can’t.

There are complications during WormMan’s surgery and Bailey has to act fast and suction all the worms out. Cristina races into the operating room and says that killing the worms will ruin WormMan precious research. Bailey is more concerned with her patient’s life than his work.

While chopping into Jake’s leg (I had to turn away from some of this scene several times) Arizona admits that she doesn’t like Mark. Callie says that Arizona hasn’t even tried to like Mark and she should at least make an effort.

Arizona brings up an important point; “Mark stares at my boobs when we talk. He stares at my face but then somewhere along the way he gets distracted and ends up on my boobs. And I love them, I love them.”

Many of us do.

She continues, “But I have tried my whole life to avoid the boob staring guy. Biology even helped me by making me gay. But now my girlfriend’s best friend is THAT guy. And I don’t think I need to apologize for the fact that the only person I want staring at my boobs is you.” No apology needed for me!

Callie: Boobs? Boobs, really? You’re making this about boobs?

Arizona: He stares at them!

Callie: Cuz they’re good boobs.

Agreed!

Alex: Can I leave now?

Alex exits, and I rewind that scene and watch it again.

Thankfully, all the patients in the laundromat accident are on the road to recovery. Lexi tells Mrs. Fisher that she’ll talk to the police for her and Mrs. Fisher reveals she lied to them about what happened during the accident. Mrs. Fisher’s husband left her for another woman, and while driving to the bank she saw his car outside a laundromat. Mrs. Fisher turned into the parking lot and saw him inside doing his mistress’s laundry and she got so upset that she intentionally rammed her car into the laundromat. Mrs. Fisher thinks her confession is protected by the doctor-patient confidentiality. But Lexi tells her that doctor-patient confidentiality only applies to medicine.

A shirtless Avery is chillin with his 8-pack abs in the locker room and Teddy walks in on him. Avery makes no effort to hide his chiseled body so Teddy scolds him for flirting with her. Avery, if you really want to impress Teddy just take her on a date to the cafeteria.

Cristina tries to save WormMan’s worms and Meredith walks in and asks her to take her blood to find out if she has the Alzheimer’s gene. Cristina takes Meredith’s blood and I wince. Meredith checks in on Ms. Huntington and gives her medication for her shaky hands. Ms. Huntington is still going to go on her vacation and I hope she does in fact use condoms.

Bailey instructs WormMan to end his research. Cristina gives him a clear jar of all his dead worms and apologizes that they couldn’t be saved. He cries and says he’s going to continue his research no matter what. Cristina asks why would he want to put himself through all this pain again. WormMan replies, “Because I love what I do. More than anything.”

Come on Cristina, pick up on the subtext. You have to go back to being an awesome surgeon. Seattle Grace needs you! I need you! Wait, I’ve said too much.

Alex tells Arizona that Mark isn’t a bad guy. Then Alex tells Arizona that she does have hot boobs (duh!) and he stares at them too. The Seattle Grace staff needs to have a mandatory sexual harassment class.

Mrs. Fisher talks to the police while April and Lexi look on. Meredith walks up, and Lexi tells Meredith that she’s jealous of her relationship with April. Meredith tells her that the only reason April knew about her doctor’s appointment is because April was there when she had her miscarriage. Lexi feels alone and crazy.

Meredith tells her, “You’re not crazy Lexi. You’re a Grey.”

Callie and Mark go to exit the hospital and Arizona shouts out that there has been a change of plans. Arizona wants to have a private dinner with Mark to get to know him better. Mark says, “Fine, but you’re buying.” What a class act!

Arizona kisses Callie on the cheek and Callie thanks Arizona for making an effort. Arizona walks off with Mark and immediately scolds him for checking out her boobs.

Derek comes home and crawls into bed with Meredith. Meredith tells him that she’s getting tested for Alzheimer’s disease. His response to this news is; Screw the odds! Screw the science! No more doctors’ appointments. Let’s just have a lot of sex! (The McDreamys are into strange foreplay.)

Owen returns to the dilapidated fire station to find Cristina popping champagne. Cristina announces that she bought the fire station for Owen and that this is going to be their new home.

Cristina says, “I don’t care where we live. I really don’t, but you do. You love this place. And I love you.” Owen shakes him head and kisses Cristina. And my icy heart melts. Am I beginning to like the Crowen family?

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