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“Coronation Street” recap: Vow of Celibacy

So, I made a slight miscalculation on how long it’s going to take us to catch back up with Sophian – or Siophie. I don’t know; everyone tells me something different – but that’s OK because they won’t be back until November anyway. So I’m just going to keep bringing you your daily dose until the we’re in real-time, and then we’ll move to weekly recaps. Savvy?

Last time: Ryan caught Sophie and Sian snogging and flipped the frak out – but Sian calmed him down and he agreed not to tell anyone.

This time: Sian and Sophie are out of school for the summer, apparently, and so is Ron Weasley, who accosts them about being up so early while on holiday. Sophie says she’s got a job, and Ron Weasley says he’s not going to sixth form and uni no matter how good his GCSE results are, because he doesn’t want a lifetime of student debt. Of course we know the real reason he is not going to sixth form and uni is that Ron Weasley attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where he spends his days mixing potions and playing Quidditch and pining away after my girlfriend, Hermione Granger.

Sophie rehashes last week’s plot because soaps don’t have that whole Will Schuester super-speed recaplet at the beginning of every episode about, “That’s what you missed on CORRIE!.” She says there’s no way Ryan is going to keep his gob shut on account of: a) This is the biggest secret he’s ever had, and b) He hates their giant gaymo guts. Sian says that he promised, but then Ryan pops up out of nowhere – a pattern, actually; Sophie is going to Apparate in just a few minutes – and scowls and gnashes his teeth and is silently horrible.

At Sophie’s shop, Sian has a bit of a panic attack about their potential outing due to Ryan’s scorn, but Sophie’s been taking lessons from Serena van der Woodsen about how Gossip Girl only has power over you if you have secrets.

Sophie: Me and you – it is what you want, yeah?

Sian: You know it is. Why? Don’t you?

Sophie: Yeah, of course – so it’s going to come out anyway.

Sian: Yeah, but-

Sophie: And I’m going to have to tell my mum and dad …

Sian: No.

Sophie: … about me and about how I feel. I can keep you out of it.

Sian: Why do you need to tell them? It’s not like we’ve done anything, not really. And how are you supposed to tell them without-

They are interrupted by Ryan’s mum who wants some milk and also a chance to get all up in Sian’s nut about whether or not she’s going to give her horrible son a second chance. The directing on Corrie is very soapy and I frikkin’ love this shot of Sophie standing behind Ryan’s mum, scowling her particular Sophie Scowl and shaking her head at the same time, like Sian needs to be coached or something. “No. You do not want to get back with Ryan.” It’s hilarious. Also hilarious is that Ryan’s mum calls him a “cackhanded numpty.” I have no idea what either of those words mean, but I am implementing them both into my vocabulary immediately.

Now, a lot of people have given me a lot of grief about Corrie, like it’s for old people or soaps can’t tell good stories or something. But those people can get off me right now because the writing for Sophie and Sian has been nuanced and tender and pitch perfect, and I love the conversation they have before Ryan’s mum rocks up in there, because it’s so real.

Sophie just wants to come out and tell the whole world how she feels about Sian because she’s just proud of it, which is exactly what it feels like to fall in love. But Sian is still terrified of the social repercussions. And! Sian says, “It’s not like we’ve done anything; not really.” Like maybe if you haven’t had sex with a girl, you’re not queer or something. Which really is a normal train of thought for people who are coming to terms with their sexuality, no matter where they fall on the Kinsey scale. I had this conversation with the pastor of my church when I first realized I was gay. He was like, “For heaven’s sake, don’t act on your feelings!” And I was like, “Even if I never even kiss another girl, that doesn’t make me any less gay. You know, on the inside. Where my gayness lives.” It’s just interesting. I like that Sian is voicing out loud that internal struggle.

Sian heads over to the cafe, but bolts when she sees Ryan there. He chases after her and someone hilariously calls out, “Don’t chase after her; it’s what she wants!” I love how the people in this town (village? street? city?) are so into all these kids’ business. There’s a guy named Mr. Snape later on, too, I kid you not. (Snape, Snape, Severus Snape.)

Ryan halts Sian by asking how dumb he is (Answer: A lot, apparently. A lot dumb.), and then throws out of one my personal all-time favorite failed digs: “Lezzie mates, not bezzie mates!” Sian blurts out that Sophie wants to tell her parents about them, and Ryan scoffs and says her dad went ballistic when he found out about him. Which: Sian went into the hospital, had a major, invasive operation, and took a taxi back home to stay at her mate’s house. Her parents can’t be that concerned about her welfare.

Ryan starts in with his insecurities – and I should probably note that Ryan is acting like a bigger lez than Sophie or Sian at this point; like, he needs to purchase his very own Feelings Bench so he can have access to one at all times – saying that everyone is going to think he “turned Sian on to girls.” She tries to explain that it’s different with Sophie, and she’s confused. Then she pulls out the number one party trick of all women everywhere since the beginning of time (and you can say I’m sexist or whatever but I’ve seen this thing in action more times that I can count) and starts crying her most heartbreaking, pathetic cry. Ryan immediately promises not to tell anyone, and he’s genuinely sweet about the whole thing.

(QUIZ: If Sian started crying at you, you’d give her exactly what she wanted? Answers in the comments.)

Sian finds Sophie and squeals and grabs her hands and says that Ryan promised not to sell them out. Sophie is happy, too, until she discovers that Ryan only agreed because Sian started crying (See, Sophie knows!)

The next day, Sophie and Sian canoodle on the street corner and decide their best bet to be together is to go backpacking in Ibiza or Australia. Sophie just wants to be somewhere, and she’s tired of Rosie sitting between them wearing her circus outfits while they’re trying to watch telly. Sian says it just makes it more special when they can hold hands without one of them having to pretend to read the other’s palm.

They discuss the potential camping situation. Sian says she wonders if they can borrow a one-man tent and Sophie acts all outraged like, “Sian! I took a vow of celibacy!” Sian says she did, too. And speaking of cackhanded numpty decisions: They decide to go to Ryan’s house, to verify again that he’s not going to tell anyone he saw them snogging.

Ryan is all, “Hi ya!” when he sees Sian, and then when Sophie pokes her head in the door, he literally goes, “YOU!” He says that yeah, maybe he was cool with them earlier when Sian was sobbing her perfect Sian tears, but now they’ve showed up at his flat with their lesbianism coming off them in waves like toxic radiation and it’s making him violently ill. He’s furious because he bought tickets to some kind of clothing-optional concert and he planned on taking Sian (even though they weren’t together when he bought the tickets) and now he’s out 90 quid because Sian is with Sophie and can’t go to the concert (that he never even invited her to). He says he’ll keep their secret, but only if he never has to see their faces ever again for the rest of his whole entire life!

He storms out, and Sophie apparates after him. Or teleports. Or time travels. Or something. She owns a Tardis. There is no other explanation for her appearance on the sidewalk as he comes sprinting out the door. He is not startled by this mystery of the space-time continuum because he still has a lot of feelings he needs to feel!

Sophie: … I know it doesn’t make you feel any better but it’s true: Sian never cheated on you.

Ryan: Like you care what I think; you only want to make yourself better!

Sophie: When I got to the hospital and you was already there in bits, I actually thought you had got back together, telling the nurse that you were sort-of a boyfriend. I wanted to die.

Ryan: Didn’t though, did you?

Sophie: Look, Ryan: I know how you’re feeling, how I’d feel if I lost her – look, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. And I mean it.

Ryan: Right, you’ve said it now.

Sophie: We shouldn’t have come ’round today; it was selfish – but honestly, Ryan, we didn’t come to try and blag tickets or wind you up or make you feel worse. But we’ll stay out of your way, I promise.

Ryan does The Ryan and skulks off up the street. Also, pretty sure he just told Sophie to go die in a fire.

Sophie and Sian sit on a Feelings Bench and Sian moans about how things things are such a hassle, when what to their wandering eyes should appear, but Ryan the Lesbian, offering up his concert tickets and telling them they’re 45 quid each. Sophy realizes they really do need a tent now, and she whips out her phone so speedy-quick it’s like she’s got superpowers. And I guess she kind of does: The superpower of Lust. Vow of celibacy, eh Soph?

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