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“Glee” Episode 204 Recap: “Don’t Go Breakin’ Kurt and Brittany’s Hearts”

Was it just the outsider vibe that permeated so many of the scenes tonight, or was this the queerest episode of any series that’s ever been on television? I mean, I’m reading this right, aren’t I? Santana told Brittany I’m not in love with you, you’re just a substitute for Puck, and Brittany’s heart was broken, so she tried to use Artie to punish Santana, and Santana went nuts with jealousy?

The final scene with Brittany all alone, pushing the meatball with her nose, and walking around the hall looking so forlorn without her Santana — I cried. Not metaphorical tears — the real thing, with salt and water and a snotty nose.

And Kurt… my god, Kurt. Yes, he’s had a bit of inappropriate stuff with Finn last season. It was interesting to see that getting explored. But to see him trying to figure out how to be himself in the world, to know that someone he admires and cares about sees him as so toxic that just singing a duet with him could potentially ruin someone else’s reputation? To believe you’re going to be cheated out of the simple high school experience of walking down the hall holding hands with someone you care about, or dancing at your prom?

And still be a mensch and go tell the guy to sing his duet with a girl?

Plus his voice — and that performance of “Le Jazz Hot.” Chris Colfer was on fire tonight. If he doesn’t win the Emmy next year, well, there’s no justice in this world. /fangirling

As to what actually happened, it begins with us learning that Puck’s in juvie for driving his mom’s car into the front of a convenience store and driving off with the ATM. Even Brittany thinks that’s kinda dumb. And it leaves the Glee Club yet again short that critical twelfth member (it’s apostolic. I just realized). Fortunately, Sam’s recovered from his dislocated shoulder enough to sing, and he shakes his shaggy hair and says hello to the Glee Club.

“Hi, everybody,” he says blondly. “I’m Sam. Sam I am. And I don’t like green eggs and ham.”

Santana is not impressed, while Finn all but squees.

Quinn gives the new boy a twice-over, and so does Kurt, who murmurs to Mercedes, “He’s on Team Gay. No straight boy does his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.”

“You’re crazy circa 2010,” Mercedes deadpans.

And then Mr. Schuester’s dialogue is turned up and he’s talking about what makes duets great — and that’s our assignment for the week. But there’s a twist: It’s a competition, modeled on Rachel and Kurt’s season one diva-off to the Wicked song “Defying Gravity.” The wining duo gets a free dinner at Breadsticks.

This plunges our Lima losers into joyful pandemonium. Those must be some breadsticks.

Kurt welcomes Sam to the Glee Club, and encourages him to come out as a bottle blond.

“Maybe at your old school you could get away with the whole ‘I just stayed in the sun all summer’ excuse,” he says knowingly. “But I have three gifts: My voice, my ability to spot trends in men’s fashion, and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle.”

Sam denies it. “I don’t dye my hair, dude.”

“Yes, you do,” Kurt says, in a remarkably pleasant, bossy tone. “That’s not natural. (Unlike Kurt’s entirely immobile hair.) But it’s just between friends.”

Sam’s freaked out, so Kurt changes gears and makes a persuasive pitch that they should sing a duet together. But here’s the thing: Sam belongs to the NOM chapter of duet singing, because he thinks duets are for one man and one woman. And when Kurt throws a little “Singing in the Rain” at him to prove him wrong, his blank face causes Kurt to say, “Maybe you are straight.”

And. Then.

Okay, this is one of those scenes where you’re just sure Ryan Murphy snuck out late one night and created himself a LiveJournal account and joined all the Glee communities and started reading Brittana fic, because I could swear I’ve read this scene before.

Or maybe it just reminds me of my high school years, I don’t know.

Brittany and Santana are tangled up together on the bed, and Santana is kissing Brittany’s neck.

If you didn’t see it and you think I must have gotten that wrong, believe me: I rewound it seven or eight times. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.

“Mmmmm,” purrs Brittany. “Sweet lady kisses.”

Santana lifts her head. “It’s a nice break from all that scissoring.” (Tweet of the night: @RoersM Thanks alot, #Glee – I had to explain scissoring to my mother. #gaysharks)

Then Brittany crosses a line. “We should sing a duet together. We should sing Melissa Etheridge’s ‘Come to My Window.'”

Santana freaks out, first that there’s so much talking going on when she wants to get her mack on, and second, and more cuttingly, “I’m not making out with you because I’m in love with you and want to sing about making lady babies. I’m only here with you because Puck’s been in the slammer for about 12 hours, and I’m like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or I can’t digest my food.”

Oh, Santana. You’re freaking hot, girl, but that was just cold.

Brittany’s eyes sweep downward, and she softly asks, “But who are you going to sing a duet with?”

The answer turns out to be Mercedes. That is, as soon as Santana can convince Mercedes.

“Look, Weezie,” she says as they walk down the hall at school, “I realize I tried to punch you a couple of times, and sometimes when you’re not looking I put weird things in your food.” But, she says, it’s a new year, and they are the best singers at the school. (Santana, I like you so much more than, say, Rachel, but really? You’re not in her league. Sorry. And you’re not in Mercedes’ league, either. And you just squashed Brittany, so in a different way, you’re not in her league, either.)

When that doesn’t work, Santana tries the food angle. “Have you been to Breadsticks? They’re legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks. One time I brought a wheelbarrow, and when the manager tried to stop me from filling it up, I called the corporate office and got her fired.”

Sold.

Then we’re in the school cafeteria. I honestly don’t know what Kurt is wearing, some vaguely militaristic outfit — is it French Foreign Legion? Seriously. What is it?

Anyway, Finn is begging Kurt not to do his duet with Sam, because if they sing together it’ll be like “painting a bullseye on his back.”

Kurt’s dismissive. “Once again your closeted homophobia seeps to the surface like a cracked cesspool.”

“Don’t give me that,” Finn snaps. “I know I shouldn’t have used that word in your basement…” that word being “faggy,” for anyone who missed it last season… “I really like you, Kurt, but the fact of the matter is, the way you were all over me last year, if I did that to a girl, she’d take out a restraining order.”

“You have issues with me being gay,” Kurt responds. “I get it.”

“No, actually, I don’t. I have issues with the fact that you don’t understand that ‘no’ means ‘no.'”

I realize that some gay men *cough* Michael Jensen *cough* have had problems with the way Kurt went after Finn last season, but what did he do that was so horrible? I can’t remember a single time Kurt even touched him, and this from a guy who was praying to a freaking grilled cheese sandwich to be able to touch Rachel’s boobs last week? On a show where Puck exploited his Judaism to get Rachel into bed and seduced and impregnated his best friend’s girlfriend, who then lied to the non-father throughout her pregnancy? And Kurt’s the one who went too far?

Anyway, Finn has never read the first rule of holes (when you’re in one, stop digging) so he goes on. When Kurt says he just wants to sing with Sam, Finn replies, “Then you don’t give a damn about any of us. If he sings with you, I guarantee within a week he’ll take so much crap, he’ll have to quit Glee Club. Your call, dude.” Exit the a-hole.

Finn and Rachel then channel Elton John and Kiki Dee for a rousing duet of “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” I don’t know what happened with these two. Last season, I was really into their little flirty duets, and the way Finn would jump up from the drums and yet, the beat would miraculously go on, and then he and Rachel would do their chase-dance around the piano.

This season, it feels forced and formulaic. There’s no chemistry, nothing between them. Although they’re better here than in the last three episodes, I’ll give any lurking Finchel shippers that.

They decide they’re so totally awesome that they’ll run away with the prize, thus demoralizing the rest of the team. They nobly decide to throw the competition, letting Sam win so he’ll remain in Glee Club and help them get to Nationals. (Notice how Regionals are a done deal in everyone’s mind this season, even though last season they came in third?)

Finn says being willing to lose is not like Rachel, and she says that Finn, who is so kind, inspired her to be a better person. I’m seriously thinking there’s more to it than that, but it might be because I just don’t trust Rachel ever since she sent Sunshine to the crack house.

Mike Chang, it turns out, doesn’t want to sing a duet with Tina. Well, it’s not that he doesn’t want to. It seems Mike can’t sing. But Tina wants to win the dinner at Breadsticks so they can have a “normal” night out — i.e., one that doesn’t involve dim sum and his mom going with them.

He wants them to go to Asian couples counseling. Tina wants to know why everything has to be Asian.

Brittany, spurned by Santana, hits on Artie both as a duet partner and her new boyfriend. Artie’s confused. “You’ve never even made eye contact with me,” he protests.

“I know. For a while I thought you were a robot,” she says. (Is that the line of the night?)

Artie can’t quite believe this is happening, but as Brittany wheels him down the hall, she gives some attitude to Santana, who looks completely bewildered and slightly peeved. And then Brittany turns around, points at her breasts, and shakes her finger “no.” You go, Brittany. Well, go be righteously angry with Santana, but this thing with Artie’s a little twisted.

Santana looks stunned.

Finn, meanwhile, is trying to convince Sam not to sing with Kurt. But Sam’s resisting. “I don’t see the big deal,” he says. “He emailed me like 60 mp3s of him singing, and I thought it was Faith Hill. The kid’s good.”

“Look,” Finn says, “this isn’t about how good Kurt is.” It’s about how being in Glee Club makes you a target, and singing with Kurt makes you even more of one.

Sam’s confused. Didn’t Finn pitch Glee Club to him as a way to be more popular and fit in better?

Sure, Finn says. After we win Nationals. “Until then, you have to lay low a little bit. And singing with another dude is not laying low.”

“I didn’t realize you had a problem with gay dudes,” Sam says. (It’s worth noting that at this point in the show, we’re not sure what Sam’s own sexual orientation is.)

“I don’t have a problem with gay dudes,” objects Finn. “Everyone else does. We’re living in their world, and in their world, you singing the duet with Kurt is a death sentence.”

“Well,” Sam says, standing up, “I gave him my word. And in my world, that’s that.” I like this guy.

And of course, then he walks out of the locker room and gets slushied by Goon 1 and Goon 2.

Quinn takes him into the bathroom and they bond over being slushied and a mutual love of the movie Avatar, although he takes it a little too far for her when he actually starts speaking Na’vi. (Ya think?)

Kurt’s serving up a heart-healthy meal for his dad, who is home from the hospital but still has “a serious arrhythmia.”

Burt asks how school is, and Kurt tells him about Sam, and that they’ll be singing a duet together even though “Finn practically begged me not to.”

“This kid, Sam,” Burt says. “Does he play for your team?”

“Undetermined,” says Kurt.

“Maybe Finn has a point,” Burt says. And then Burt says that Finn’s mom told him that Kurt hadn’t been totally honest with him the year before, that he had a crush on Finn and wouldn’t leave him alone. “Is this true?” he asks

Kurt jumps up. “So a gay guy can’t be friendly to a straight guy without it being predatory?”

“You gotta understand, most guys don’t know how to deal with unwanted advances.”

“So you’re saying I shouldn’t sing with this Sam guy, because it might upset a couple homophobes. I thought you said no one pushes the Hummels around?”

“I’m not saying that. I’m saying maybe it’s you who’s pushing this kid Sam around, trying to take advantage of him because you’re interested in him.” Yeah, because when you meet someone and you don’t know whether or not they might be interested in you, spending time together in a shared interest is “taking advantage” of them, and “pushing them around.”

Kurt blasts back, “Dad, you have no idea what it’s like. I’m the only openly gay kid at school, in this town. I mean, why can’t I walk down the hall with a person that I like? Slow dance at my prom?” He’s almost in tears. And oh, by the way, he’s totally right.

“Come here,” Burt says gruffly, and Kurt does. “You think I don’t want those things for you? I do. You know, until you find somebody as open and as brave as you, you’re just going to have to get used to going it alone.”

And then Kurt drops his head on his dad’s shoulder, and we fade out. Sob.

Mercedes and Santana do their duet of Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High” (I ignore the existence of Ike) next, and I wanted to love this. I did. I love both of them, I think they’re amazing singers, and I love this song. It just didn’t work.

We see a lot of audience reaction during the song, but we don’t see Brittany until the very end. She has one finger forlornly on her lip, and looks like she’s about to cry.

Kurt, meanwhile, has tracked Sam down to the showers — this boy takes a lot of showers. “Don’t worry,” Kurt tells him. “I’m not going to go all Shawshank on you.” He’s just setting Sam free to sing his duet with a girl — “someone the world deems more appropriate.”

“You know,” he says on his way out. “They make special shampoo for color-treated hair.”

“I don’t dye my hair,” Sam calls after him.

“Uh huh,” Kurt says from the other room.

Rachel and Finn blah blah blah.

Tina asks Artie to sing the duet with her, but he’s a total jerk about it. Have you learned nothing, Artie?

Kurt announces he’ll be doing his solo with “the most talented member of the Glee Club,” himself. He does “Le Jazz Hot” from Victor/Victoria, saying, “It’s about embracing both the male and the female. Watch and learn, Santana.”

Then Chris Colfer burns up the stage with the help of some “members of Glee Club and the Cheerios,” including folks we’ve never seen before along with Mike Chang and, I think, Brittany — was that Heather Morris? Anyway, he was completely scorching.

Then Sam hits on Quinn while trying to get her to sing a duet with him. I don’t dislike Sam and I really like Quinn, and they have reasonable chemistry, but he was kind of creepy here, and she storms out. “This year’s about me,” she says. Word.

Mike Chang and Tina have decided to do “Sing” from A Chorus Line, which is basically perfect for their situation. He’s really very funny, but I’m sorry, guys: No abs this week, either.

We do get Santana snarking that they should hurry up and get it over with so she and Mercedes can get to Breadsticks, and Brittany lifts her head off Artie’s shoulder and says, “Don’t count on it. I’m mad at you. But you’re still so hot.”

Ryan Murphy, why why why are you trying so hard to kill me?

Next we get a cute bit of candy for the Faberry fans and the Sam/Finn shippers — I have no idea what you do with their names; Fim? Sinn? that’s it. Sinn. Anyway, what we get is Finn lecturing Sam in the gym and Rachel slinking around Quinn in the bathroom (what is it with her and bathrooms?), trying to get them to sing their duet together after all.

So now the duet is back on. And wow, they’re “Sinn,” too. Weird.

Then we have Artie schooling the divine Miss Brittany in how to sing, but he quits in the beginning because, he says, he still has feelings for someone else.

“The Clintons?” Brittany asks.

But she knows it’s Tina, and says she’ll help him. Then she scoops him up in her arms and carries him to her bed. “You’re on the football team now anyway,” she says. “We’d have gotten around to this at some point.”

“Am I about to lose my virginity?” he whispers.

“Before we duet, we’re gonna do it,” she says.

And blessedly we fade to a commercial.

Tragically, we come back to Finn and Rachel’s duet, the vile Billy Preston and Syreeta Wright song “In You I’m Born Again.” Dressed as a nun and a priest. It’s saved, though, by the reaction shots.

Then Sam and Quinn do their duet, and Santana gets more and more agitated as they sing “Lucky I’m in Love with My Best Friend.” Almost everyone is smiling and clapping and, at the end, applauding, but Kurt is leaning against the wall, morose, and Santana? She hisses to Mercedes, “So fricking charming,” like that was a dirty word. Touch a nerve, Miss Hotness? Is it the lyrics, or the fact that Quinn and Sam might have been better than you and Mercedes? I’m voting for the former. I’m sure Santana would tell me I’m wrong.

I’m not so sure what I think about the next scene. Artie breaks things off with Brittany, and drops out of the duet competition. His reason is that she was just using him for his voice — which we learn in flashback he got from Santana, who pointed out that “I don’t mean to be a bitch — well, actually, I do — but the only thing she can get from you that she can’t get from someone else is super choice parking.”

I should hate this, but this sign that she’s consumed with jealousy is actually making my heart sing. I’m a horrible, shallow person.

But Artie’s not done. He accuses Brittany of hurting him by using him for sex, taking something precious and meaningful and cheapening it. She tells him it’s not like that, that she wanted to go to Breadsticks with him, and eat a single long strand of spaghetti together like lady and the tramp. “I’ve been practicing pushing a meatball across the table,” she says, “With my nose.”

And he just smacks her down and rolls way, leaving her forlorn. Yes, yes, fine, I’m in love with Brittany, but why does he have to be such a jerk, first to Tina, then to her? I always liked Artie, but seriously? He’s kind of a prick.

Quinn and Sam win the duet competition, Santana freaks out and Rachel pretends to, and Kurt continues to sit alone and miserable against the back wall.

“This is totally not a date,” Quinn says to Sam as Mr. Schue hands them the Breadsticks gift certificate.

So now Rachel’s gonna make me like her again. She chases after Kurt and convinces him to do a non-competitive duet with her. “I think that you and I are a little bit more similar than you think,” she begins.

He whips out a can of hair spray and spritzes his do thoroughly. “That’s a terrible thing to say,” he tells her.

“I know you’re lonely. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be to have feelings in high school you can’t act on. Fear of being humiliated or ridiculed or worse. But we’re gonna win National this year, and you know how we’re going to do that? Because we have you.”

“That’s true,” he says.

“That’s twelve people who love you for being exactly the way you are. I know you’re lonely, but you’re not alone.”

He gives her a beautiful smile.

Quinn and Sam go to Breadsticks, and we learn that he does terrible impressions, puts his foot in his mouth easily and often, went to an all-boys school before, and yes, fans, he dyes his hair. Oh, and he’s not gay, although he does have a secret, and we don’t know what it is yet. And he and Quinn decide it’s a date after all.

At the next table is Brittany, alone, pushing a meatball across the table with her nose. Again, Ryan Murphy, what exactly do you have against me that you keep trying to make me die?

Kurt and Rachel do a brilliant duet of “Come On, Get Happy” and “Happy Days Are Here Again.” Mostly we see them singing and the class reacting, but we also get some heartbreaking little clips of Brittany wandering sadly through the halls, alone, and Kurt tenderly covering his sleeping father with a blanket.

No Sue tonight. And no Emma. And really, hardly anyone but the Glee Club. Kind of nice after the guest-star-palooza that opened the season.

And in two weeks: Rocky Horror!

Last page. Our favorite #gaysharks tweets!

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