Archive

“Coronation Street” recap: Little Lezzer Love

Back in the spring, you guys told me to watch Coronation Street, and I was thoroughly reluctant to do so because you couldn’t just say “Sophie and Sian.” You had to juxtapose Sophie and Sian to Naomi and Emily, and so I refused to watch it the way I refuse to read books when people compare them to Harry Potter. Because nice card trick and everything, but I’ve been to Hogwarts, OK? I kinda pulled down an O in my Defense Against The Dark Arts O.W.L.

I finally caved and watched Corrie, though, and I really loved it. I even recapped it!

But then Brooke Vincent and Sacha Parkinson had to sit some exams or something. Whatever it is British teen actors do instead of dropping out of school before they learn how to properly punctuate a Tweet like American teen actors do. And so they were away for a while, and then they came back, and I forgot to watch because I was preoccupied with the extra-dimensionally horrible s–t storm that is lesbians on US television.

I’ve snapped out of that now, thank Merlin. So here’s what’s going down: I’m going to catch us up with Corrie every day this week, and then I’m going to start recapping it on Tuesdays. Same rules as last time: 1) Don’t compare it to Skins in the comments unless you want my head to explode. 2) Forgive me if I f–k up the dialogue. I’m not even sure the Mancunian accent qualifies as English.

Seriously, though. Here’s what I know about Mancunians:

A Mancunian is a fine person who was born in or currently resides in the most majestic city of Manchester. Unfortunately, they live not 40 miles away from the utter bastard scum of Liverpool but in their brilliance, continue to prosper as the Capital of the North, even if the scousers come up the East Lancs to nick more tyres.

Also, to the untrained ear, it might sound like Sian has recently returned from Southpaw, when, in actual fact, she has returned from Southport, the city where her mum resides. And now here she is, working that gaymo fashion favorite, the plaid button up! I have that shirt in a variety of colors. Naomi Campbell has it in yellow.

She squeals her thanks into the phone and then squeals her delight at Sophie and then says, “Uh, bah-bye, Southport! My mum says I can stay here until my exams! Or until one of my internal organs ruptures! Whichever comes first!” (Oh. Er. Spoiler Alert.) They hug and are: a) Adorable, and b) Better than every lesbian teen on American TV so far this fall. (Not to belabor the point or anything; I know how you Brits buckle under the weight of too much praise.)

Sian hangs around the shop under the guise of helping Sophie study, but mostly she just wants to get her feet on camera to show off her new Converse. Lesbian assimilation: Sixty-three percent complete.

Sophie’s mum, you remember, has been staying with her sister because of cancer. But she’s home now and for this momentous occasion, Sophie’s dad has purchased … an iron barbecue – because nothing says “congratulations on living!” quite like a burger and chips. Rosie – who is wearing something she lifted from a Cabbage Patch Doll – tells her mum she “looks like she wants to get off” with the barbecue, and Sally says she kind of does. (See, that’s what happens when The Gays start marrying! Men start proposing to their cats! Housewives start shagging their garden appliances!)

Sian shows up to the garden party with flowers and Sally thanks her for being there for Sophie while she was away. She says, “Good friends are important!” And Sophie and Sian wink and giggle and crawl all over each other in the “friendliest” way possible.

The subject of prom comes up and Sally says Sophie and Sian need a “nice strapping lad” on their arms, at least for a photo-op. Sian has a little laugh about how they’re going by themselves, but are going to arrive at prom at the exact same time, and Sophie gets all angsty and drags Sian away from the garden party. Which: one of my favorite things about soaps is how no one ever stays in the same place for more than six seconds. Characters can’t just have a conversation and then wait patiently for the scene to change. They’ve got to, like, get on a ferry and pop round to the shops for some milk and attend a bar mitzvah and crash on a feelings bench and bake a steak and kidney pie and take the car to the mechanic and post a letter and visit an ailing relative and attend church – all before the first commercial break.

Sally offers to take the girls shopping for their prom dresses. She notices that Sian has a PARALYZING PAIN in her abdomen and asks if she’s OK, and Sian’s like, “Yeah, just haven’t been to the hospital yet today. I usually go when I get home from riding the bus around the block just for funsies!” Actually she says she’s fine and Sally says it’s probably dress-shopping nerves, which is totally valid. Shopping makes me want to vomit too.

Sian’s ex-boyfriend Ryan pounces when they return from shopping, wondering where they’ve been, what they’ve been doing, who they were with. Because apparently there is no Facebook or Twitter or other internet-approved way to stalk your ex in Weatherfield. Sophie gets a text informing her that she has to meet with the prom committee before prom, which means she and Sian can’t arrive at prom at the exact same time. Sian’s bummed, but she’s got other things to worry about. Like the PARALYZING PAIN in her abdomen. She explains to Ryan that she and Sophie were going to arrive at prom at the exact same time for moral support. She says, “Who needs boys, eh?”

Who indeed!

Sophie orders Sian’s favorite pizza and is deeply offended on some kind of personal level when Sian doesn’t eat it. Sian says she’s doesn’t feel well and Sophie literally goes, “Whatever.” Like, “Whatever, obviously your refusal to eat the pizza I specifically ordered for your specific taste buds means that you aren’t serious about me – as a grrrlfriend!” Sian only confirms Sophie’s fears when she says that if the PARALYZING PAIN in her abdomen doesn’t go away by tomorrow, she’s not going to prom. Sophie thinks she’s faking the PARALYZING PAIN, which, by the way, I totally support. Prom is the worst thing. And on TV someone always gets bludgeoned at prom anyway. It’s a lose-lose situation.

The next day, Sophie is over her angst. She and Sian walk to the bus stop together and agree to meet up at prom. Sophie says Sian will be the prettiest girl at the whole dance and then boards the bus and runs to the back to wave at her from the window. (No, you hang up!)

Ryan rounds the corner and somehow convinces Sophie to go to prom with him. Or show up at the same time as him, which is lesbian code for going as his date? I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. Because the feelings bench is about to get some feelings like it has never felt before.

Guys. I think that PARALYZING PAIN in Sian’s abdomen might be a real thing.

Ryan gets some help and they rush to the hospital and Sian has her appendix removed. Sophie’s dad comes to prom to tell her that Sian’s at the hospital, to stay and have a good time, and she can visit her later. Sophie flips the f-ck out about how she will not being drinking punch and feeling the beat of the rhythm of the night when her BEST FRIEND is in the hospital, so take her to her BEST FRIEND. TAKE HER TO SIAN RIGHT NOW.

The same thing happened to me in high school, if you want to know the truth. My BEST FRIEND got walloped in the head during a basketball game and had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. When the whistle sounded for the game to start back up, I marched over to the girl who had walloped my BEST FRIEND and I punched that girl RIGHT IN THE FACE. I got thrown out of the game and in the locker room afterward my coach was all, “You have got to learn to control your lesbianism!” My dad drove me to the emergency room to see my BEST FRIEND and I’m pretty sure that’s when he unlocked the mystery of my raging gaymo-ness. (It only took me a decade longer to figure it out.)

At the hospital, Ryan says that he is Sian’s boyfriend and that he doesn’t want to brag, but he is also the hero who saved her life. His reward is that he gets to go in and see her first after surgery. When Sophie finally gets to visit, she seriously considers picking a fight about Ryan, but Sian falls asleep and Sophie says, “I love you” before kissing her quickly and gently on the lips.

Oh, my little heart! I love you too, Sophian! I’ll see you both tomorrow!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button