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“Thintervention” recap 1.6: Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like Jackie?

Last night was Monday, so that means staying up late to watch Thintervention and lamenting over the fact that, once again, I haven’t gotten my pancake tush to the gym in practically three weeks. Seriously, I need Jackie Warner to come up in here with her plaid shirt and skinny jeans telling me what to do – even if it means putting down this delicious cocktail I just created (high quality silver tequila, fresh grapefruit juice and a little diet sprite). Let’s see what the participants are up to this week!

Apparently, Jackie has finally had enough (again) and is ready to make them work for it! (Again.)

First we check in with Mandy who is housing our darling wino, Nikki. As per usual, Mandy already has a nice spread of food laid out and ready for their after-workout meal.

Jeana sits down with Bryan and hottie Miguel and explains that she does everything in moderation and doesn’t understand why she isn’t losing weight. She just eats too much — I mean what’s the deal? Oh Jeana, it’s a good thing someone married you for your looks and then had to pay up that alimony.

The first workout of the week has arrived and Jackie is committed to making these suckers work so hard – even all of their extra-curricular chowing will be accounted for.

Jackie Wisdom: Everyone wants to be sexy.

Jackie, honey, I’d settle for “not cringe-worthy” at this point.

The next two weeks are apparently about losing fifteen pounds and getting the legs, arms and abs all sexy-like.

This makes Nikki cry and Joe says he is finally seeing some real emotion from her — not that we care what Joe thinks.

Jeana gets yelled at for smiling into the mirror while she’s doing her lunges. Lunges are for pain, not for smiles Jeana!

Stacy threatens to puke on Craig. Mandy misses her family and is having some issues. Jeana keeps getting yelled at for not working hard enough. Nikki is finally seeing some results and enjoying the process.

Mandy starts crying and finally we’re seeing a good amount of tears in this show! Cry those pounds out everybody!

Jackie Wisdom #2: It’s OK to feel emotions.

Jackie Wisdom #3: You have to be the one who takes care of yourself in this world, so that you can improve other people’s lives around you.

This week is about finding your inner sexy. At this week’s challenge, the participants are supposed to bring their sexiest outfit. Also, Jackie is bringing them to Chinatown to find some special herbs to spice up their sex lives. Excuse me everybody, I’ll be back with the rest of this recap tomorrow, I’ll be in Chinatown if you need me.

Back at Mandy’s place, she has ordered a massage for Nikki and orders me a big dose of barf soup as she gives her hubby a rubdown as his masseuse takes care of business. He then turns the barf dial up to eleven when he says (out loud, in front of camers and the masseuse) that his situation is every man’s dream: “Two Asians.”

At the château de gay, Jeana asks Bryan, “How do I come across?” Bryan actually very nicely tells her that her language can sometimes sound pretentious and showy. I wish she had asked one of the queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race, they’d need a whole extra hour for that episode.

The next morning, Bryan wakes up in a similar position as I do (with a dog’s head using my butt for a pillow), and takes Jeana to spin class. They drink Jackie’s milkshake and Bryan insults Jeana’s literacy. Jeana says she needs hot guys for motivation. Bryan tells her there will be plenty of gays for her to cycle off to at his West Hollywood gym.

On the other side of Delusional Street and Somewhat Abusive Relationship Avenue, Mandy and Nikki are going lingerie shopping because Mandy’s husband doesn’t find her older lingerie very sexy anymore. Did anyone get a look at him during that massage? Hello kettle? This is the pot calling.

Jeana does a great job at Spin class, Mandy’s boobs look awesome in her new bras and she gets to spend daddy’s credit card!

Bryan and Jeana fail at asking the right questions to find out if their waiter is gay and Bryan concludes that no gay man would love NASCAR. I’d have to disagree only because there are so many men at NASCAR events, it would be primo eye candy for my gay boys.

Since thinking of gay stereotypes can be draining, Bryan confronts Jeana about her previous abusive marriage. Apparently Jeana only focuses on being in a relationship, any relationship, and feels like she needs to be involved in order to be happy.

Bryan Wisdom: You can’t love anyone else before you love yourself.

Later, everyone meets Jackie at the herbal sex remedy shop where there seem to be dried carcasses hanging from the ceiling and possibly a Gremlin somewhere behind the counter.

Shay says she doesn’t need any herbal remedies, her libido is just fine thank you — and her vibrator does the trick. Mandy is pumped (did we have any doubts?). Joe wants a cure for cankles for Stacy. Stacy doesn’t have a retort. Jackie just wants to talk about the sex people!

The Chinese doctor looks at Jeana, asks her to stick out her tongue and tells her not to eat fried food.

Are we back in Salem? I think he’s a witch!

Joe asks which scent will help get the ladies. I know this one! And it isn’t “cheeseburgers.”

At this week’s big challenge, the participants meet up with Robin Antin, creator of the Pussycat Dolls and the Pussycat Dolls fitness DVD.

Robin is going to teach everyone the “Don’t cha” dance moves, Jeana thinks she’s already got it and, Craig is the gayest man ever and I love him for it. At the end of their training, there will be a dance-off. I better pop some popcorn.

Stacy is convinced she is going to win this challenge, just like every other challenge, but this one actually seems plausible. Shay and Stacy are in a dead heat. I’m fairly certain I saw Stacy’s nip but she and Shay are feeling like sexy beasts and damn it if they don’t actually look pretty good!

In the end there was a true dance-off between Stacy, Shay and Bryan. There was nipple pinching on Bryan’s part. There was a lap dance given by Stacy and Shay to Jackie. It got real.

Stacy ended up taking home the prize and I’m happy for her, I really do think she deserved it.

Joe goes to a club to meet up with his friends and acts smarmy and disgusting. Jackie goes in to crash his party and see him in his element. About ten minutes in, it is apparent that this truly is not Joe’s “element” — he has no clue what he’s doing and basically offends every female sitting within 10 feet of him and then whoever else is watching at home.

Jackie Wisdom with a shot of Patron: Basically Joe is a freaking idiot and has zero game with girls. He’s pathetic and now it’s on television.

Shay decided that after last week’s challenge, she’d continue with her dancing lessons and take it to the pole! Shake what your momma gave you Shay!

At the end of the week, we find that Mandy has enjoyed Nikki’s company, Nikki has enjoyed a little bit of suburban life. As the girls enjoy a morning cup of tea/coffee/milkshake. Craig appears out of nowhere and has decided to scare the crap out of the ladies by sneaking up on them in a hockey mask. I got scared too until the jazz hands came out. He worked them out and then left in time for them to get showered and ready for their group therapy and weigh-in.

Everyone seems to have had a great week and got to learn a bit more about themselves and each other.

Doctor Ramani asks about sex — everyone starts talking about their sex lives and Joe opens up about his own sexual insecurities.

Joe and Stacy both allude to pleasuring themselves and I really want to throw myself over my balcony.

Joe finally gets scolded for being a complete and utter ass – not only at the club the night before, but also his “sense of humor” in general.

Finally it’s time to weigh in. This week was an incredible one. Bryan lost six pounds for a total of 32 pounds. Jeana lost five pounds this week. Joe lost two pounds, most likely because his ego has grown ten. Stacy lost five pounds this week, thank goodness. Shay lost seven pounds and is moved to tears with her happiness. Mandy shed another three pounds, which is awesome, and Nikki ended the week with losing seven pounds.

Next week is the last week for the participants to get their time in with Jackie before a six-week break where they’re on their own. Also, Joe gets another scolding!

What did you think about this week’s episode? It seems like Nikki may have finally had her aha moment while Mandy seems to be petering out. I’m hoping that if Joe’s attitude towards women doesn’t change, he is doomed to a life of celibacy.

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