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“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.01): Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Remember when that crime show with the two good-looking leading ladies first started airing way back in July and you started watching and then started thinking, “This show is really gay.” And then you kept watching and kept thinking, “No, really, this show is super-duper gay.” And then, you were hooked and each week you were even more hooked and said, “No, I could not be more serious, these women could not be more gay for each other.” Remember that? Yeah, so do I.

So since you begged asked so kindly, and since no one could have guessed in advance how badly they were needed, we’ve decided to go back and give you the Rizzoli & Isles Retro Subtext Recaps you deserve of the beginning of the season. I’ll recap one episode a week until episode 8, when the regular Rizzoli & Isles Subtext Recaps kicked in. So sit back, strap in and forget about the story. This is all about the subtext, baby.

WARNING: Some spoilers for episodes later in the season are included in these Retro Subtext Recaps. That’s the beauty of them being “retro.”

Anyone up for a spot of tea? Not this poor couple who could care less about cream or sugar what with the depraved serial killer terrorizing them in their living room. In fact, the whole thing has put me right off my biscuits. Across town, Jane Rizzoli, a.k.a.The Butchest Cop in All the Land (trademark pending), is beating her brother in a game of driveway hoops. That is until he elbows her in the nose causing a nasty bleed and angry glares from lesbians everywhere because, dude, why would you do that to Angie Harmon’s gorgeous, gorgeous face?

They go inside to stop the bleeding where their boisterous Italian mama (clichés are only clichés if you use ’em) Angela Rizzoli chastises Jane for rough-housing with her brother. Every former tomboy knows that’s not-so secret mom code for: “Would you just act like a girl, girl.” Jane is saved from more lecturing by her cellphone, and is called away from the family dinner for a case. Mama Rizzoli tells her to ice her nose because she never knows if she’ll meet a nice guy at the crime scene. Oh, honey, let me give you some PFLAG pamphlets to read.

Jane checks herself in the car mirror, sees the bloody mess and says “Oh, my God.” Who could she be cleaning up for? At the crime scene, a sleek black Mercedes pulls up and out slinks a pair of stiletto boots. Hey, lesbians, it’s Dr. Maura Isles, a.k.a. The Femme Your Femme Could Be Femme Like (trademark also pending).

Some detective tells a reporter that she is called “Queen of the Dead.” Just then Rizzoli saunters up, takes offense (gotta defend your woman, am I right?) and takes over the investigation. Her new partner, Det. Barry “Blood Makes Me Hurl” Frost is doing just that. Inside Jane comments on the opulent surroundings, saying “We’re not in South Boston anymore, Dorothy.” Five minutes into this show and already a Wizard of Oz reference. Nope, this show isn’t gay at all. Det. Vince Korsak, Jane’s old partner, is also there because the scene is “that bad.” Together they walk in to inspect the worst tea party ever (well, unless we are talking upper case Tea Party, but do not get me started on that).

Naturally, Maura and Jane have their first meaningful eye sex followed shortly by their first Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching (TGTGT, for brevity’s sake). Maura notices Jane’s broken nose, Jane asks her to pop it back into place. OK, so maybe this touching isn’t totally gratuitous. But it is definitely the first time you will scream “Kiss her!” at your TV (but definitely not the last).

Nose now back where it should be, Jane takes a closer look at the dead husband. She realizes the crime scene is a copycat of imprisoned serial killer Hoyt, also known as The Surgeon — though not the kind who uses anesthesia or upholds the Hippocratic Oath. We sense a backstory, but it’s too late because FBI Agent McBeardy (not his actual name, but his actual function) arrives flashing his badge. Maura makes an oh-la-la face, but we know it’s just to make Jane jealous.

Jane, naturally, gives Agent McBeardy attitude and complains about how the fed boys like to show up and “take the bat and the ball.” This, by the way, is the look Jane Rizzoli will give you if her girlfriend makes a flirty face at you. I hope you have a good grip on that bat, FBI boy, because Jane seems ready to pummel you with it — metaphorically, of course.

But instead of metaphorical or literal pummeling, Jane goes to visit Hoyt in prison. He gives her the worst serial killer pick-up line in history: “You smell like lavender and fear.” He also asks to see her hands, which he injured stigmata style with scalpels when they last met. Like I was saying, backstory.

Jane obliges and shows him her hands. Who else quickly did the lesbian index finger to ring finger ratio test? Is her index ringer shorter than her ring finger? If so, totally lesbian. We won’t talk about her fingernail length here and just assume she is in between proper trims.

Later the body of the wife is found and Jane arrives to find Agent McBeardy there already. She checks herself in the car mirror and puts on some lipstick. Two can play at the jealously game, eh? But that is clearly a leftover tube of Maura’s lipstick. It’s not even Jane’s color.

The wife is laid out oddly and later shows signs of necrophilia (sorry, hope you already ate lunch). Jane and Maura, however, haven’t eaten lunch. So Jane helpfully offers her tuna salad to Maura. I swear to God, that isn’t a euphemism — but it should be.

Agent McBeardy interrupts their romantic fish lunch to tell them Hoyt has escaped from prison. Jane is worried, Maura is worried. Back at her apartment, Jane’s brother and Det. Frost are aggressively worried and try to convince Jane to stay someplace safer. She tells them is she was a guy they wouldn’t worry. I, for one, am glad she’s not a guy because then I wouldn’t be worried or watching at all.

Also worried is Jane’s female law student neighbor, who stops by to see if she is OK. She seems to know Jane’s vacuuming habits unusually well, though if Angie Harmon was my neighbor I’d pay close attention, too. But before neighbor girl can make her move, Mama Rizzoli arrives complaining about how since Jane became a cop she hasn’t stopped worrying about her. Jane leaves and just guess where she finds refuge?

Yep, it’s Maura’s place. She answers the door in a silky number all wind-blown and photo-shoot ready. Inside Jane meets Maura’s tortoise Bass (named after William M. Bass, the forensic anthropologist who founded The Body Farm — duh). Wait, wouldn’t Jane have met Bass already? I mean, she clearly has been to her place before. Or are tortoises adverse to the loud noises that one assumes their other encounters produced – right, sorry, I’m daydreaming again, aren’t I?

A knock at the door puzzles Jane, but Maura says it’s just someone dropping something off — in the middle of the night, while she is wearing a silky top and high heels. Who should walk in but Agent McBeardy. OK, Maura, now you’re taking this whole jealousy thing a little far. But it apparently works because Jane snoops and seems perplexed.

After he leaves, Maura crawls into bed with Jane. You know, like all straight ladies do. Jane, ever the coy one, asks her: “Are we having a sleepover or is this your way of telling me you’re attracted to me?” Oh, ladies, it is so obviously the latter.

They pretend to talk about Agent McBeardy, but then a noise startles Jane. Maura tells her it’s just Bass and soothes her with some TGTGT arm rubs. Not to be insensitive to Jane’s mortal danger and all, but I highly approve of her choice of tank top sleepwear.

The next morning, another Hoyt & Co. victim is found. (More TGTGT at the scene, too, for those keeping score at home.) While there a flower delivery for Jane arrives with a card that, again, features some terrible serial killer pick-up lines: “Prickly on the outside, succulent on the inside, just like you.” Man, someone give this guy some better material. The note is signed with an anagram for Theodore Bundy.

Shortly there after the wife’s body is found in the woods. Jane tells Maura she isn’t going to like her plan, which turns into their first lovers spat. Kiss and make up! Kiss and make up! Jane wants to leave the woman’s body under surveillance in hopes that Hoyt will return. Maura protests saying they’ll lose all the forensic evidence. But Jane asks Maura to do it for her with those big brown eyes and, well, who could resist? Certainly not Maura.

Later that night while on surveillance, Korsak introduces Jane to his latest stray pet, Joe Friday. Aww, you guys, the cute it burns. Well, more accurately, it stinks because this little Joe (short for Josephine) has rolled in something offensively odoriferous. Korsak leaves to escape Jane’s complaining and take a leak. But when he doesn’t return Jane goes looking for him – alone – in the woods. No one thought to call in backup with two deranged serial killers on the loose?

Jane spots a figure running in the woods and promptly tackles him into a creek. Turns out it is just Agent McBeardy. Um, why is he running around the woods in a black top, pants, hat and gloves? Doesn’t he know that’s standard-issue bad guy attire? They find Korsak injured by Hoyt. I hate to say, “I told you so,” so welcome to Miami about the backup.

Jane finds Maura in her office. She has brought Joe Friday because the second step in lesbian dating (after moving in together, which they inexplicably seem to have skipped over) is getting a pet together. Maura calls Jane brave for tackling Agent McBeardy and rewards her with more intense eye sex. Look, I’m just being thorough. Documenting subtext is no joke.

Agent McBeardy shows up at Jane’s apartment and seems surprised by how nice it is inside. Dude, are all the guys on this show completely clueless about how to pick up chicks or what? He gets her to talk about when Hoyt attacked her and then unsubtly asks her if she wants him to spend the night. Answer: Several variations on the word “No.” And this face. Denied.

The next morning Maura brings Jane coffee while Jane ignores her mom’s calls. Maura asks what her novelty ringtone is and Jane lets her hear it: Chopin’s Funeral March. What, no “I Kissed a Girl” or anything from the Melissa Etheridge collection?

Regardless, Maura calls it nice and upbeat. But then she confesses that she has to go to Quantico to work on some classified aspects of the case. Jane leaves in a huff because it means Agent McBeardy thinks Maura is need-to-know. She goes to find him instead and is finally let in the loop that Hoyt’s copycat apprentice is believed to be ex-military — black ops CIA Green Beret, to be precise. Agent McBeardy also asks Jane out to dinner. Like, hey, the deranged murderer’s apprentice is a government-trained killing machine — how about some sushi? But Chopin’s Death March saves Jane from issuing another obvious rejection. Maura tells Jane she is in her apartment. I bet you are, honey.

But it’s not that kind of good, I’m-in-your-apartment-get-here-as-fast-as-you-can-for-fun-naked-times scenario. It’s the bad, I’m-in-your-apartment-get-here-as-fast-as-you-can because-it-got-ransacked-by-serial-killers scenario.

When Jane gets there she is approached by a man seemingly from the medical examiner’s office asking her to ID her neighbor’s body (you know, the one who knew way too much about Jane’s vacuuming). Lucky for her neighbor it’s not her, unlucky for Jane it’s Hoyt instead who Tasers her in the stomach. Man, Jane’s poor stomach. Also, foreshadowing much? Sheesh, even the shirt color is the same.

Right, so I’m not even going to lie, this next part is scary and devoid of subtext. Jane wakes up bound in the van with Hoyt over her. He has a scalpel and cuts her neck. Then he tells her he is excited for the final game. If you watched this from behind a pillow, it’s OK. The apprentice comes to show him something outside leaving Jane alone in the van. She desperately searches for anything to defend herself with and finds a flare. She lights it against herself (and becomes, literally, smoking hot) and then shoots the flame at Hoyt. Maura was not lying when she called Jane brave.

Hoyt is horribly burned, the apprentice returns. Jane zaps him and reaches the gun in time to put him down with two slugs. Then, she stands over Hoyt with a decision to make.

No, she doesn’t kill him. She’s the hero, people. But she does give him matching stigmata with a bullet through both his hands. Not exactly the person I’d want to be matchies with, but it is satisfying on an eye-for-an-eye level. Agent McBeardy shows up while Jane is getting medical treatment afterward and asks her to dinner, again. But Jane just wants to go home. Take a hint, buddy.

Back at her trashed apartment, Jane looks around in despair. But then Maura arrives with Joe Friday and a gift. Yes, another pet, this time a tortoise. Maura says she thought Jane could use help cleaning up and Jane offers to give her some work clothes. Maura says her red leather jacket, glittery top, skin-tight jeans and cha-cha heels are her work clothes. The Femme Your Femme Could Be Femme Like, remember?

Maura looks intently at Jane and asks where she wants her to start. I can think of a few places, darling. Jane can, too, but not without a few cocktails first — she is no cheap date. So she says they should go out for Bloody Marys instead. Maura asks if Jane is going to change into something other than the still-burned top she had on when attacked. But Jane tells her these are her going out clothes. The Butchest Cop in All the Land, remember?

And then they leave for a night of drinking with their little dog, too. So, let me get this straight, Jane won’t have dinner with the hunky FBI guy, but will have drinks with her hottie medical examiner gal. Nope, this show isn’t gay at all.

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