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Glee Episode 2.03 Recap: It’s “Kurt’s Turn” Tonight

This is the Glee I fell in love with. This is pure, classic, epic, 100 percent unadulterated Glee. It had laughter, it had tears (a lot more of the second than the first), and it even had god.

Now, the last time I watched a television show in which a teenage boy said he’d just seen the face of god was in the pilot of Queer as Folk, right after 17-year-old Justin had spent his first night with Brian Kinney. I didn’t expect anything like that would ever happen on TV again, and until tonight’s episode of Glee and Finn’s discovery of the face of Jesus on his grilled cheese sandwich, it hadn’t.

Finn, who fired up the old George Foreman grill even though it had never been the same after he’d used it to dry his sneakers, was suitably awestruck by his discovery, and earnestly prayed to the sandwich to let the McKinley High Titans win their first football game of the season, “and in return, Cheesy Lord, I’ll make sure we honor you all week in Glee Club.”

Apparently sandwiches are more accommodating than other deities, because darn it, don’t they just win that game! “Thank you, Grilled Cheesus,” Finn shouts.

Kurt marches into his father’s auto repair shop, scolding him for having forgotten his lunch and not having eaten that morning. “Suzanne Sommers says skipping breakfast is suicide,” he tells him.

Burt reminds Kurt that they’re having a family dinner with Carol and Finn on Friday night (I’d wondered if Carol and Burt’s relationship had survived the big showdown with Finn last season), and Kurt says he’ll have to bail as he’s going to the sing-a-long Sound of Music (which I just realized also happens in QAF. This is kinda weird).

Burt tells him their Friday night dinners are sacred, but Kurt’s cosmology is unshaken. “So is the sing-a-long Sound of Music sacred to me.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Burt says. “Didn’t I buy you that Maria bonnet when you were six?”

I feel a deep and burning need to see the Hummel family’s home movies immediately.

But first, we get to see Finn explain about Grilled Cheesus to the glee club.

He says he has something he needs to tell everyone, and Puck says, “Oh God, he’s coming out.”

“Well, yes,” Finn says. “There is a man who’s sort of recently come into my life.” Kurt looks stunned, but then Finn says, “That man is Jesus Christ.”

“That’s way worse,” says Puck.

And now Rachel is the one looking stunned, and really really not happy.

Finn says he wants Glee Club to pay tribute to Jesus.

Kurt’s not buying. “If I wanted to sing about Jesus, I’d go to church,” he said. “And the reason I don’t go to church is because most churches don’t think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.”

Can I hear a round of amens from the choir?

Quinn points out that praying helped her get through her pregnancy and she’d like the opportunity to thank god for that, and Santana was all, thankful for what? “That it didn’t come out a lizard baby?”

“When I pray, I fall asleep,” said Brittany.

Mr. Schuester suggests focusing on general spirituality rather than Jesus, and Puck gets up to do another in his series of songs by Jewish artists, Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young.”

It would take Brittany and Santana pledging their undying devotion to each other and making mad, passionate love on the piano to overcome my loathing of this particular song. The two seconds of them dancing together and making little finger motions at each other, sweet as it was, just didn’t do it.

Then we’re back at the car repair shop and Burt has a heart attack. It was just that sudden. And frightening.

We see a long shot of Emma running down the hall of the school, and then she and Mr. Schuester find Kurt in his French class — as @robertj1975 tweeted on #kurtrules, “of course Kurt is speaking French.” Of course.

At the hospital, the prognosis is bad bad bad, and Kurt is one part stiff-upper-lip and one part lost little boy and I don’t know how I’m going to survive this episode. Kurt tells everyone he needs to be alone with his dad for a few minutes, and they reluctantly leave him.

“Can you hear me, Dad?” he asks when they’re gone. “If you can hear me, squeeze my hand.” But there’s nothing, and Kurt starts to beg.

I think the whole world wanted to give Kurt a hug tonight.

Finn, however, has hormones on his mind, not hugs. He tells his sandwich that he never went to Sunday school and doesn’t know if God works the same way as a genie and he’ll get three wishes, but he does know he wants to touch Rachel’s boobs and that’s what he’s praying for.

Leaving that troubling image behind, we go back to the Glee Club rehearsal room, where Santana and Brittany — with adorably matching binders — swoop down on Kurt and give him some of what we all wanted to give him. And Santana was just so real, so incredibly real, telling him how sorry “we” were about his dad’s heart attack — yes, she said “we,” how totally couple-y.

“I did a book report on heart attacks if you want to give it to the doctor,” Brittany said next, pulling it out of her binder. “It got knocked down a whole letter grade because it was written in crayon.”

Then in what has to be the most inappropriate moment of the show, Finn storms in and tries to make it all about him, ranting at Kurt for not telling him about Burt’s heart attack.

I’m not sure what to think about the rest of the scene. Kurt says it didn’t occur to him to call Finn because Burt’s not Finn’s father. And Finn says he’s the closest thing to a father he’ll ever have, and that while he knows it doesn’t look like what everyone else has, he thought they were a family. And then he puts his hand on Kurt’s shoulder, and then kind of half-hugs him, and Kurt holds up a finger in warning, and he stops.

I mean, have we seen anyone on Glee who has a “normal” family? Those four are about as close to the “one man, one woman, and two kids” as this show gets.

Mercedes stands up and dedicates Whitney Houston’s “I Look to You” to Kurt, saying it’s a song about being in a very dark place and turning to god for help. And she kicks that song’s ass to heaven and back, truly.

Kurt gets up and says, “Thank you, Mercedes. Your voice is stunning. But I don’t believe in god.”

Shocked silence, then Tina asks, “What?”

“I think god is like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, god’s kind of a jerk, isn’t he? I mean, he makes me gay and then has his followers going around saying it’s something that I chose, as if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their lives. And right now I don’t want a heavenly father. I want my real one back.”

Mercedes is troubled. “Kurt, how do you know? You can’t prove there’s no god.”

“You can’t prove there isn’t a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn’t it?”

“Is God an evil dwarf?” whispers Brittany.

Quinn freaks out and says talking like that isn’t right, and Kurt says he can’t believe something he doesn’t. “I appreciate your thoughts. But I don’t want your prayers.” And the diva departs.

Then we join our other diva, Sue Sylvester, with Will and Principal Figgins. She’s picked up Glee Club’s “spirituality” week on her hidden surveillance cameras, and she’s got a problem with it. “This is a public school,” she says. “And there’s this little thing called ‘separation of church and state,’ which happens to be the pillar of a functioning civil society.”

Mr. Figgins and Will implore her to be more understanding, and Will reminds her that Kurt is going through a tough time and needs all the help he can get.

“Well, William, if your kids want to praise Jesus in class, then I suggest they enroll at Sweet Holy Mother of God Academy on I Love Jesus Street, but not here. This country is not a monarchy, William; trust me, I’ve tried. And as much as I enjoy giving you impromptu civics lessons, I’ve got work to do.” And our other diva also departs.

Meanwhile, back at Finn’s hormones, he agrees to set aside his new-found devotion to the big JC and raise his and Rachel’s future children as Jews, apparently because he thinks it will get her to let him touch her boobs — which it does, praise Cheesus. Also? Creepiest make-out scene ever. The lack of chemistry between these two is reaching matter/anti-matter levels.

Fortunately, we’re now in dyke heaven, a Sue, Santana and Brittany scene. Sue wants to know what’s going on in Glee Club with the religion thing, and Santana says that it’s not that big a deal, and they just want to help Kurt.

“I made him a card that said heart attacks are just from loving too much,” Brittany says.

Next, Sue tackles Kurt directly, asking how his dad is. “I’m sorry for what you’re going through, lady,” she says. “I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. And I don’t have to, because I guess Mary Lou Retton is an orphan or something.”

Then she goes on. “I don’t like what Schuester’s doing in that classroom even more than usual. And I can’t go to the school board without an official complaint from a student.”

“So you want me to be your scapegoat?” Kurt says. (Not to nitpick, but that’s not what a scapegoat is.)

“You don’t understand,” Sue says. “I know at times I mess around with you guys for fun. I admit it. It aids digestion. But I’m not joking here. I want to be your champion.”

We’re still in Sue’s office in the next scene. She’s on the phone, and Emma comes storming in, red hair flying behind her. “What is wrong with you?” she almost shouts at Sue.

“I’m sorry, Madame Secretary,” Sue says into the phone. “I’m going to have to call you back. Love to Bill.” Then she hangs up.

Emma’s furious, demanding to know why Sue is so upset at people trying to give Kurt “just a little bit of comfort.”

“What happened to you, Sue?” she demands. “What horrible thing happened that made you such a miserable, miserable tyrant?”

“Have a seat,” says Sue, and then, to my surprise and I’d guess everyone else’s, too, she tells Emma the truth. How she had prayed, and then prayed harder, for her older sister to be cured of her Down Syndrome, and for everyone to stop mocking her. And when her prayers weren’t answered, she realized it wasn’t because she wasn’t praying hard enough, but because no one was listening. “Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however ‘comforting,’ isn’t a moral thing to do. It’s cruel.”

Emma tells her that’s fine if that’s what she believes, but she should keep it to herself.

“So long as you do the same,” Sue says.

This is now officially the best show that’s ever been on television.

Grilled Cheesus’ work isn’t done, however. A suited-up Finn is in the locker room, praying to be made quarterback of the team again. Puck walks in on him, and Finn asks him not to tell anyone he caught him praying “before he eats.”

“It’s cool,” Puck says. “To tell you the truth, I went to temple with my Nana yesterday. I know it makes me a wuss, but I’m bummed about Kurt’s dad.” Which you might think Kurt would have devoted one of his “three wishes” to, ya know?

Finn then finds himself sitting on the shores of a lake, under the stars, listening to Rachel doing a kick-ass job of Barbra’s “Papa, Can You Hear Me?” from Yentl.

The lakeside setting fades into Burt Hummel’s hospital room, where Kurt looks on stoney-faced while Rachel sings and Carol, Finn, Mercedes and Quinn listen tearfully.

As the last notes die away, Kurt asks what they’re doing there. Seems the whole gang thought they’d take turns praying in a multi-denominational sort of way. Kurt says he didn’t ask them to do that, and Carol says, “Friends help out even when you don’t ask.”

Yes, true, but there’s a difference between praying over someone’s dad when they’ve made it abundantly clear, more than once, that they don’t want your prayers. In fact, I think that’s a direct quote.

Finn, of course, ends up becoming quarterback again, just like he prayed, but only because Sam (remember Sam? Swoopy hair and poofy lips, neither of which we see because of his helmet) gets his shoulder dislocated. Dude, that’s gotta hurt.

Although I do totally love that Coach Beiste calls Finn “Lurch.”

Now we’re getting to the part where phrases like “embarrassment of riches” and “Ryan Murphy, are you trying to kill me?” come to mind. Kurt’s going to sing for the Glee Club.

He introduces his number with the story of his mom’s funeral, when he stood there crying, watching her be lowered into the ground, never to be seen again. He wanted his dad to say something, anything, to make him feel like his whole world wasn’t over. And he took Kurt’s hand and squeezed it. “Just knowing those hands were there to take care of me, that was enough,” Kurt says. And then he launches into the Beatles’ “I Wanna Hold Your Hand.”

And while both Mercedes and Rachel sang their hearts out tonight, this is the most powerful musical performance of this episode, and the best rendition of this song I’ve ever heard.

And then we got taken into a flashback montage of little Kurt and his father, with Chris Colfer lookalike Adam Kolkin as mini-Kurt — the resemblance was amazing. We see young Kurt learning to ride a bike, holding his father’s hand at the cemetery, and laughing at a private tea party.

Kurt completely breaks down at the end of the song. So did I. And so did half of Twitter (where, by the way, “Grilled Cheesus” was the number one trending topic all night), with #kurtrules being joined by #poorkurt and #gaysharks by #sadsharks.

I don’t mean to just race through the rest of the episode, but after that high, a lot of it felt a bit anti-climatic.

Finn confesses to Emma that he’s been worshiping a grilled cheese sandwich, and that Sam getting injured was his fault. Emma breaks it to him gently, telling him he won the first football game because they now have a coach who “spends the game watching the plays instead of biting his toenails,” that it wasn’t God who let him touch Rachel’s boobs, but Rachel, and that it wasn’t Finn who hurt Sam, but “a 300-pound left tackle who just got expelled because he’s on steroids and he’s 23.”

Finn’s pretty lost without his Cheesy Lord, and sings REM’s “Losing my Religion,” which, hello, is not actually about religion. Do they not listen to the lyrics when they pick their songs?

Kurt goes to Mercedes’ church with her, bedecked in a church lady hat (“Christ chic”). She sings “Bridge Over Troubled Water,” backed by the church choir, and it’s almost enough to make you believe in a higher power to see her having two solos in one episode.

We also get a scene between Sue and her sister, Jean. “Do you believe in God, Jean?” Sue asks her.

Jean tells Sue that she believes god doesn’t make mistakes, and asks if Sue wants her to pray for her. Sue is in tears, and says yes.

Kurt’s at the hospital re-fastening his father’s hospital gown, murmuring how he never did know how to dress himself. He reminisces about their first Friday night dinner after his mom died, and how when they cut into the fried chicken it was raw, and they both cracked up before they remembered they weren’t supposed to.

Then Kurt apologizes for not letting his friends pray for his dad. “It wasn’t about me, it was about you, and it was nice.” Then he goes on, saying, “I don’t believe in god, Dad, but I believe in you. And I believe in us. You and me. that’s what’s sacred to me. I’m so sorry I never got to tell you that.”

And then Burt squeezes Kurt’s hand.

The episode wraps up with New Directions singing Joan Osborne’s “One of Us,” which would have been a lot more moving if we didn’t have to watch Finn eating a week-old sandwich while they sang.

Sue walks in while they’re singing, and Will asks if she’s going to get him fired or report him.

She just says, “No.”

I really did mean to be snarkier than this, but it’s hard to be snarky when you’re totally sobbing your eyes out. Oh, Glee.

Next page. Some of our favorite #gaysharks tweets from last night!

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