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“Glee” recap (2.02): Brittany Spears Britney

Tonight’s episode of Glee had a little something for everyone, with the sole exception of anything remotely resembling a plot.

Which doesn’t mean nothing happened. Plenty happened, it’s just that most of it took place in the imaginations of those members of New Directions with less than perfect dental hygiene. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The episode actually begins with Mr.Schuester writing a name on the rehearsal room white board that is designed to strike fear into the heart of anyone with musical taste, which I’d assume isthe vast majority of the audience for this show. That name was”Christopher Cross.”

“Who can tell me who Christopher Cross was?” Mr. Schue asked.

“He discovered America,”Brittany answered proudly, Finn nodding in happy agreement.

Close, Mr. Schue said, but not quite. He started blah blah blahing about adult contemporary music and how the kids all like Lady Gaga and The Rolling Stones but not all music has to be like that (what, good?). Some music, he said, is more controlled. Sometimes it’s better to come to the music instead of letting the music come to you.

“I have a bad feeling about this lesson,” Kurt said.

“Never heard of him, don’t wanna hear about him,” said Tina.

Then Finn asked the question an entire generation asked before him: “How can you get caught between the moon and New York City? They’re like a hundred miles apart.”

Kurt diplomatically tries to steer Mr. Schuester away from the “silky smooth adult contemporary” material towards the work of one Ms. Britney Spears, who in case you don’t have television or Internet and haven’t seen any of the forty million previews is this week’s guest star and featured artist. And the way Kurt says her name, with that little hand gesture? Just watching that probably turned four hundred teenage boys gay. (Kidding!)

No, no, a thousand times no, says Mr. Schue. Seems Ms. Spears is not a good role model.

Then, unexpectedly, Brittany implores – okay, no, wait, that would imply some emotion in her voice and that wouldn’t be our Brittany. Brittany intones that she doesn’t want to do Britney Spears.

“Why no Britney, Brittany?” asks Kurt with a perfectly straight face. (Remind me again why this guy didn’t win an Emmy?)

“Because my name is also Britney Spears,” she says. “My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce, and that makes me Brittany S. Pierce, Britney Spears. I’ve lived my entire life in Britney Spears’ shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you’ll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.”

When Mr. Schuester says that seals it, no Britney, Kurt says, “Thanks, Brit. Thanks a lot.”

And then the sizzling hot Santana (I hope you’re prepared to hear her described that way through most of the episode) snaps, “Leave Brittany alone,” after which she gently caresses her shoulder.

“Thank you for understanding,” Brittany says, eyelashes sweeping downward. “It’s been a hard road.”

“Can we move on?” Rachel says.

“Yes,” says Mr. Schue. “Let’s talk about Michael Bolton.”

I don’t know, Will, how about we talk about gouging out our eyes and eating them instead?

Emma and Mr. Schue are up next. She tells Will he’s too uptight and needs to relax, which he says is funny coming from a woman who buys hand sanitizer by the gallon.

It turns out Emma has a new boyfriend, Carl, a dentist, played by John Stamos. And he’s helping her break free of her OCD. Why, just the other night she ate red and green grapes mixed together in a bowl.

And speak of the devil, Carl walks in just then to take Emma to lunch, then he kisses her, then he asks Will if he grinds his teeth. His pager goes off with an emergency teenager root canal, and Emma mentions Carl has been trying to get the school board to let him talk to the kids about dental hygiene. Will invites him to talk to the Glee Club.

Carl also says Will is cute. I’m not sure where we’re going with that.

The football goon squad comes to beat up Finn now that he’s not one of them, and just as he’s about to get himself pulverized, Artie rolls in and gets between Finn and his assailants. Turns out they won’t hit a guy in a wheelchair. “The only thing saving you right now is my moral code,” goon number one sputters at Finn. “But I’ll be back.”

Coach Beiste overhears this exchange and seems moved or curious or something.

Now we’re at the Glee Club’s dental hygiene class, where Carl has them chew a capsule that will show where there is plaque buildup on their teeth by turning blue. Turns out Rachel, Brittany and Artie don’t know how to brush even though Rachel insists she flosses after every class, unlike Brittany who rinses after every meal with soda because she’s sure Dr. Pepper is a dentist.

Then Carl says Will’s cute again. This is just getting weirder.

Brittany goes to get her teeth scaled and bleached, and tells Dr. Carl that his exam room”looks like the one on that spaceship where I got probed.”

He must get that a lot because he doesn’t comment, just points out she has cavities in every single tooth, the worst teeth he’s ever seen.

“Please don’t pull all my teeth,” she says tonelessly. “When I smile I’ll look like an adult baby with boobs.”

He tells her to relax and gives her the gas, switching on a Pandora stream to, presumably, drown out the sound of his drill. I don’t know, we’re not going for the realism here, because it would be impossible for him to keep her anesthetized with a face mask like that and still get into her mouth. I’m just saying.

“No,” she says as she realizes what song is playing as he gives her the gas. “No Britney.” Too late.

And suddenly we’re in a sort of “Greatest Hits” video version of Britney Spears’ “I’m a Slave 4 U.”

And I’m sorry, but this does nothing for me, and not because I’m not really a Britney fan. I’m not a Journey fan, either, but I still love what New Directions does with their music. No, it’s because this just doesn’t feel like Glee to me; it feels like an excuse to re-enact a Britney Spears performance with Heather Morris. It doesn’t advance the plot, it doesn’t tell us anything about Brittany (although it does tell us Morris is one hell of a performer when she gets to take center stage).

So if you loved it, feel free to rhapsodize in the comments, but don’t expect me to join in.

Anyway, Brittany emerges from her anesthetic haze to learn Dr. Carl hasn’t been able to fill all 68 cavities and she’ll have to come back. “Are you a cat?” she asks him.

Next we’re with the world’s most dysfunctional couple, Rachel and Finn, holding hands and walking down the hall. We go from the awesomeness of her banana nutbread to his longing to be on the football team again. Rachel says she’s glad he’s not on the team anymore because she no longer has to fantasize about what song she’ll sing at his bedside when he’s in a coma. Okay, that’s funny. Unfortunately she ruins it by adding that she’s also glad she won’t have to worry about him running off with a cheerleader anymore.

“Wait,” he says, looking bewildered (although frankly, he normally does). “You want me to feel bad about myself?”

“No,” she says, looking up at him. “I just want to be the only thing that makes you feel good.” Yo, Rachel, there’s a name for that and it’s not “love.”

“I’m just trying to be honest,” she tells him.

Then Santana and Brittany walk by. “Hey, dwarf,” Santana says.”Did anyone ever tell you that you dress just like one of the bait girls on ‘To Catch a Predator’?”

“Also,” says Brittany,”I’m more talented than you.” (Okay, maybe she’s still high. Say what you want about Rachel’s personality or ethical standards, but she’s got more talent in one over-pumped lower lip than any ten other people.)

Rachel pouts that Finn didn’t defend her; he actually laughed.”Well,” he tells her. “Santana has a point.” He slams the locker door. “Just trying to be honest.”

Rachel looks one third hurt, one third thoughtful, and one third like she knew it all along as he walks away.

Now we’re back in Dr. Carl’s exam room, where both Brittany and Santana are in side-by-side chairs, ready to get gassed together. (So romantic, isn’t it?) Santana’s teeth are perfect, and Dr. Carl says he’s not going to put her out for no reason because “anesthesia is serious.”

“Listen,” she says impatiently. “My dad’s a doctor. And not a’tooth doctor.’ A real one. He like, went to college or something. Which means I have a killer health care plan that pretty much pays for everything. So get up in my grill, cuz Brits and I want to get our anesthesia on.”

Apparently he didn’t really care about the safety issue, just his bill getting paid, because he decides he’ll bleach her teeth and the girls get what they want. (Did anyone doubt it?)

This time their Britney fantasy is to re-enact the video she did with Madonna for “Me Against the Music,” with Santana as Madonna and Brittany again as Britney.

I liked this one better because, hello, these two women are, as I may have mentioned, scorchingly hot, but it’s really just as irrelevant to the show, the storyline and even the characterizations as the other dream sequence.

At the end, where in the original video Madonna disappears just as Britney isabout to kiss her, Santana disappears and is replaced by Britney Spears.

“You’re really hot,” Brittany tells her.

“You’re really sweet,” Britney replies.

“Your breath smells really good.”

“So does yours. Do you know why? Because this is a fantasy.”

A giggling Brittany wakes up in the dentist’s chair. And then we’re back in the New Directions rehearsal room listening to Mr. Schue go on and on about all of Christopher Cross’ accomplishments, and thank god Brittany raises her hand and stops him.

“I just want to say that from now on I demand to have every solo in Glee Club,” she says.

“What?” asks Mr. Schue.

“When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.”

Kurt can’t hold back. “See, Mr. Schue?” he bursts out. “I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.”

“I’m more talented than all of you,” Brittany interjects. “I see that clearly now. It’s Brittany.” Pause. “Bitch.”

Mr. Schue doesn’t care and still says: No Britney. And Kurt just blows up, reading him for being uptight and telling him to let loose – which earns him a trip to the principal’s office, presumably for excessive truthiness.

His exit, by the way, was flawless.

Now we’ve got Mr. Schue getting his teeth examined by Dr. Carl. I’m seriously getting sick of all these dental visits.

They spar around about Emma for a while, blah blah hetero posturing, and Will agrees to back off. And to stop grinding his teeth. Which, by the way, Carl refers to as Will’s “beautiful little teeth.” Creepy.

Now it’s Rachel’s turn in the chair, and her fantasy is being a naughty schoolgirl and singing “Hit Me Baby One More Time.” She actually looks hot in the outfit, except for her puffed-up lips, but this song is not for her and she can’t dance, and, well, then she wakes up.

“You Glee kids are tough to work on,” comments Dr. Carl. “You’re always moving around when you’re under.”

I’m not the only one who thought Rachel looked hot; she wears the naughty schoolgirl outfit to McKinley the next day, and everyone else thinks so, too. Finn tries to cover her up with his jacket, but she just laughs him off.

“That guy just broke up with his girlfriend now just so he could look at you,” Finn says. And then the goon who tried to beat him up walks by and says, “Why do the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?”

They argue over her new look and him going back to the football team while Brittany, in the background, pats Jacob’s hair and says, “It looks like a Jewish cloud.”

After Rachel sashays off, Jacob comes up to Finn, trembling, and says,”What do you want for her? I’ll give you anything. I’ll give you my house. I’ll kill my parents and I’ll give you my house.”

Then Will rushes off and buys a car just like Carl’s to impress Emma, and it’s painfully embarrassing not just for us but for Emma because he’s so totally uncool (and when exactly did that happen? I don’t think he’s this uncool) and then suddenly who shows up but Will’s evil ex, Terry? She’s verging on stalker territory, convinced he’s going to “get over Miss Crazypants” and come back to her one day soon.

Oh, if only you could fast forward live TV.

Now we’re back in the rehearsal room, where Santana tells Rachel she looks hot and then Kurt gets up and says that, while he risks expulsion saying so, Britney Spears has helped Rachel blossom. “That’s all,” he concludes, hands raised, sitting down.

Now, I’ve been waiting all night for Kurt’s Britney moment, and I just got a sad feeling he’s not going to get one. Even though he’s been her biggest champion all episode.

And then suddenly the thing this episode was really missing: Sue walks in. “William,” she says, “A word.”

Turns out she caught a naked Jacob in the library doing the self-nasty over his dreams of Rachel as Britney. This is, in Sue’s mind, Will’s fault. “Don’t let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it.”

And then we see the butt sweat stain, in close up, for a long, long time, and Imay never watch television again.

So Sue stalks off and now of course, Mr. Schue is going to do Britney Spears with the Glee Club.

The next scene is Britney standing in the hallway of McKinley High in a Cheerios uniform, telling Tina and Brittany that they should put ranch dressing on their pizza.

“I’m a hundred percent in love with you right now,” Brittany tells Britney.

Then we figure out whose dental dream this is as Artie rolls up and Britney scolds Tina for breaking up with him.

Artie shrugs it off, saying it made him stronger.

“I’m serious,” Brittany says to Britney. “You’re hot.”

Then we cut to the football field where Artie, Puck and Finn are suited up and singing, of course, “Stronger.” This is the most successful integration of a Britney song into the episode, and the only one that really feels like Glee.

In the next scene, Artie and Finn are talking in the locker room and Artietells Finn about his dream and then Coach Beiste walks in and puts the two of them on the team – news Rachel is less than thrilled to hear.

And then Mr. Schue comes in and says that they can do Britney at the upcomingschool Homecoming assembly – and he’s going to perform with them.

Which no one’s very thrilled about.

Let’s see, now a de-sexified Rachel is telling Finn he has to quit the football team because the only way they can be together is if they’re both losers.

“Rachel, you can’t ask me to choose between you and football,” Finn tells her.

“Well,” she says, “I am.”

Will walks into the assembly wearing a bowler hat, and Emma gives him a weird look. “You look like you’re from the cast of Kids, Incorporated,” she says.

He seems to think that’s a compliment. It’s not.

Becky Jackson runs up to Sue and tells her the Glee Club is doing a Britney number, but before Sue can do anything (other than tell Becky if she sees any”awkward teenage frottage” she’s to perform “that citizen’sarrest we practiced”) New Directions performs “Toxic,” which is also a lot more like the “real Glee,” and works really well. Mr.Schue shouldn’t be on that stage, but he does a great job.

In fact, they’re all so good they set off what Sue calls a “sexriot.” It’s pretty funny, actually, and Jacob is carried out on a stretcher, presumably overcome by the hotness of Rachel Berry doing Britney, live.

The next day, Sue is wearing a neck brace. “Not sure if you heard,William, but my spinal column was ruptured in a sex riot.” I can’t even begin to recap the hallucinatory fantasy of the Chicago Democratic Convention riots that she recounts before informing Will that she’s hired Gloria Allred and is going to sue the pants off him. And the vests – “Seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom, and I’ll see you in court.”

Will goes to talk it over with Emma, and they’re just so cute and cuddly, like sweet little forest creatures, and she tells him to stop trying so hard and relax and be himself. Why, she asks, would someone so wonderful want to change who he is?

“Because the boring someone I already am wasn’t good enough for you,”he says, and walks out.

Oh, Will and Emma! Please get it together.

Then Quinn comes up to Finn in the hall and tries to get them back together – and he says no, because of his feelings for Rachel. And Quinn walks up to Rachel and says, “I said what you wanted me to. He shot me down. So congrats. It looks like he really loves you.”

When they’re back in the rehearsal room, Kurt says with heavy irony that hecan’t believe they only did one Britney song, and Mr. Schue firmly says no more Britney, and Rachel sings Paramore’s “The Only Exception,” dedicating it to Finn and crying while she’s singing.

I still say they’re doomed.

There can never be enough Brittany, so I’m not complaining about that. But how do you have a Britney episode without a Kurt number? And after last week being pretty much all about setting up the season, this episode didn’t really get us anywhere. I feel like I’m still waiting for the season to get started. How about you?

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