Tonight’s episode of Glee had a little something for everyone, with the sole exception of anything remotely resembling a plot.
Which doesn’t mean nothing happened. Plenty happened, it’s just that most of it took place in the imaginations of those members of New Directions with less than perfect dental hygiene. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The episode actually begins with Mr.Schuester writing a name on the rehearsal room white board that is designed to strike fear into the heart of anyone with musical taste, which I’d assume isthe vast majority of the audience for this show. That name was"Christopher Cross."
"Who can tell me who Christopher Cross was?" Mr. Schue asked.
"He discovered America,"Brittany answered proudly, Finn nodding in happy agreement.
Close, Mr. Schue said, but not quite. He started blah blah blahing about adult contemporary music and how the kids all like Lady Gaga and The Rolling Stones but not all music has to be like that (what, good?). Some music, he said, is more controlled. Sometimes it’s better to come to the music instead of letting the music come to you.
"I have a bad feeling about this lesson," Kurt said.
"Never heard of him, don’t wanna hear about him," said Tina.
Then Finn asked the question an entire generation asked before him: "How can you get caught between the moon and New York City? They’re like a hundred miles apart."
Kurt diplomatically tries to steer Mr. Schuester away from the "silky smooth adult contemporary" material towards the work of one Ms. Britney Spears, who in case you don’t have television or Internet and haven’t seen any of the forty million previews is this week’s guest star and featured artist. And the way Kurt says her name, with that little hand gesture? Just watching that probably turned four hundred teenage boys gay. (Kidding!)
No, no, a thousand times no, says Mr. Schue. Seems Ms. Spears is not a good role model.
Then, unexpectedly, Brittany implores — okay, no, wait, that would imply some emotion in her voice and that wouldn’t be our Brittany. Brittany intones that she doesn’t want to do Britney Spears.
"Why no Britney, Brittany?" asks Kurt with a perfectly straight face. (Remind me again why this guy didn’t win an Emmy?)
"Because my name is also Britney Spears," she says. "My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce, and that makes me Brittany S. Pierce, Britney Spears. I’ve lived my entire life in Britney Spears’ shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you’ll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears."
When Mr. Schuester says that seals it, no Britney, Kurt says, "Thanks, Brit. Thanks a lot."
And then the sizzling hot Santana (I hope you’re prepared to hear her described that way through most of the episode) snaps, "Leave Brittany alone," after which she gently caresses her shoulder.
"Thank you for understanding," Brittany says, eyelashes sweeping downward. "It’s been a hard road."
"Can we move on?" Rachel says.
"Yes," says Mr. Schue. "Let’s talk about Michael Bolton."
I don’t know, Will, how about we talk about gouging out our eyes and eating them instead?