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“Las Aparicio” recap: Episodes 58-60

Rise and shine, my fellow Las Aparicio addicts, because it’s morning in Aparicioland, and Hernan is making us breakfast. Mmm! Smells like pancakes.

Chef Mariana steps in to help with the cooking because Hernan is about to drop half a stick of butter into the batter and that’s way too much.

Oh, hey, remember last time when Julia was massaging Mariana’s shoulders … in bed … and it looked romantic, but really Mariana was just thinking about her father … which is kind of creepy … and then suddenly jumped up and said he was going to die? Well, she’s still worried about that, which is why she asks Hernan if he’s healthy. Hernan assures her that he can crush a walnut with his butt and is not planning to die any time soon.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Later on, Hernan asks the girls what they were like growing up. Mariana tells him that she was an angel incarnate.

Julia calls her a liar and tells Hernan that Mariana was actually a little misbehaved brat, and also, that she liked to cheat in games. Mariana says she was just better at everything. They bicker back and forth and then Hernan tells them that he must run off.

Julia: So what was that you told me about him being sick or something?

Mariana: No, it’s just that sometimes I’m a little dense. And anyway I already spoke to him and he assured me that he’s perfectly healthy.

Then the phone rings, and for a moment I think it’s Armando calling to discuss the threesome fantasy he had, but it’s not him at all. Julia looks almost as happy as we all are that it’s not him for once.

It’s actually a work-related, happy-news kind of call. It turns out that they both got cast in that show they auditioned for last time! Yay!

Later on, Mariana and Julia arrive at the set, where they’re greeted by a lady who compliments Julia’s acting skills and tells her to go sign her contract.

The lady mistakes Mariana for Julia’s personal assistant, which is funny for about two seconds until we learn that there’s been a mistake in communication. Mariana was not cast. It was some other Mariana, the one with blue eyes. Damn.

Julia doesn’t want to take the part without Mariana but Mariana convinces her to do it anyway because that’s what supportive girlfriends do.

Julia: I was really excited about doing it together.

That’s what she said.

Mariana: There will be a lot of opportunities. Okay? Now go sign. I’ll go pick up the scripts because I’m your personal assistant.

And oh, look, they’re about to get all lovey-dovey and cute which means that Armando is probably going to—

Oh, yep, there he is.

This is called stalking, Armando.

Julia: What are you doing here?

Armando: Proving that I’m not worth anything.

He came all the way over there to tell them he’s emo. Thanks, Armando. Ever heard of a Facebook status update?

Blah blah his life sucks because he got kicked off the team and the WHOLE WORLD hates him and now he can’t even get a decent one-night stand with a chick he already err, made love to sweetly … in the past … and he turned his ex-girlfriend into a raving lesbian and a lot of other terrible things. Woe. Sad face.

The problem with this whole scene, aside from the fact that none of us care about Armando’s life, is that Julia does care. A lot.

Mariana tries to get out of this whole thing by saying she’s going to pick up Julia’s script but then Armando calls her back.

Armando: I want to apologize to both of you, okay? I’m screwed up and you don’t deserve this.

Well played, Armando. By the way, Dr. Evil is on line two. He wants his laser-beam sharks back.

This brings us to episode 59, where we find our lovely ladies on Mariana’s futon. Julia is rehearsing her lines but she’s having trouble concentrating because she feels guilty that she’s doing this show without Mariana and it makes her feel weird and also she feels bad about how Armando showed up at the set.

Julia: I don’t know if I want to do this, and even less without you.

Mariana reminds her that she already signed the contract and that backing out would show a lack of respect for everyone: the production team, Julia and even Mariana.

Mariana: As best friends, we were joined together by the belly button and now as a couple it’s more about supporting each other and encouraging the other to do what they like to do. You’ve got your thing.

Julia: And yours?

Mariana: Doesn’t matter.

Later on, Mariana is watching more war movies or maybe war YouTube clips of men shooting loud firearms. This probably makes her feel closer to Hernan, but it’s making it hard for Julia to work on her lines. Like the good girlfriend that she is, Mariana puts on her headphones.

Julia goes back to her lines, the next of which reads, “We’re going to be okay, right?”

She glances at Mariana and repeats the line quietly.

Are you going to be okay? I don’t know. Hang on, let me consult my magic 8 ball.

Phew. It’s all good, you guys.

A little later, Mariana’s cooking in the kitchen with Hernan and discussing the war documentary she was watching. She tells him it helped to better understand him, and even though there’s things she’s not completely sure about, it helped to ask herself an important question:

Mariana: Is there anything I believe in strongly enough to fight for?

Hernan: And?

Mariana: Well, yes, Hernan. I believe really deeply in the freedom to love and I don’t know to one day reach a Utopia where homophobia doesn’t exist and where we can all live together in peace.

Imagine aaaalll the peeeople …

Hernan feels that he’s finally getting back some of that time that they lost. Then they strike a deal to always be a part of each other’s life and to always be straightforward with one another.

It’s Hernan’s idea, which means he’s probably hiding something.

Meanwhile, Julia is dreaming …

Which can only mean one thing: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Julia: We’re going to be okay.

Mariana & Armando: We’re going to be okay.

You are now entering: The Bad Place. Population: 3.

Julia wakes up from her dream.

And thanks to the power of the collective unconscious, Armando wakes up from the same dream and instantly dials Julia’s number. Because when you dream about having a threesome with someone you instantly want to tell them all about it. That’s how restraining orders happen. Just saying.

He changes his mind.

Armando: (to himself) Don’t do it.

Post-threesome-dream dialing: the anti-Nike.

Over at Mariana’s, Julia’s also in the mood to share.

Julia: I had a dream.

Mariana: A nightmare?

Julia: No. Actually, the opposite.

Mariana: And I suppose Armando was in it.

(Julia nods while yawning)

Julia: You were also there.

Mariana: No. Nooo … a threesome? With that ass?

Julia starts to say that she feels bad, but Mariana is extremely understanding about the whole thing and admits that sometimes she has sex dreams about Dany.

Well, that woke Julia up.

Mariana tries to make it better by telling Julia her dreams don’t involve threesomes, which somehow makes things worse.

Julia: You can’t dream about Dany without me being present in the dream!

Mariana asks if it’s okay to have sex dreams about Dany if Julia is present and Julia says yes.

Mariana: Then let’s get to bed because I really like the sound of that dream!

And we get some cute time.

However, the Bad Place is alive and well in Julia’s mind, and so while later we get some sexy massage-time again…

… it is not without damage to our delicate psyches.

I don’t know how I lived this long without seeing Armando’s buttcrack again.

We begin episode 60 with our girls imitating each other, which is really cute, even though there’s no dialogue in this scene.

Later on, Mariana has to take some food over to the Atelier, leaving Julia behind to rehearse her lines and daydream some more about inappropriate things.

The second Mariana leaves, Imaginary Armando is standing naked in the living room, which probably means that nothing good can possibly come from this episode.

Here, take my hand. We’ll get through this.

A little later, Julia is rehearsing lines like, “I can’t choose. I want you both. What’s wrong with that?” Wow. It’s like this series is talking about her life. Dude. Heavy.

It’s a good time for Armando to call and tell her about the dream he had, which, coincidentally is just like the dream Julia had. What does it all mean?? We don’t get to find out because Julia hangs up on him.

Mariana, meanwhile, is at the Atelier doing her very best to annoy Ileana. Hernan shows up for the 12 o’clock showing of Ileana the Homophobic Barista vs. Mariana the Gay Lesbian.

Mariana: I’m going to tell you a little something about Miss Ileana. She’s so paranoid with us, the gays, that she’s even scared of me following her on Twitter.

Regardless of Ileana’s homophobic tendencies she does have a secret heart of gold that she shows once in a while, like when she told Hernan about those jerks that harassed Mariana. Hernan tells her that he’s really grateful to her for telling him about that.

Mariana: Whatever your motivations were.

Ileana: Hey, it’s not like I’m the villain of the story. It may be that you and I don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things but I also don’t want anyone to hurt you.

Mariana says that merits a hug and Ileana allows it for about half a second before she walks away as quickly as possible.

I think Ileana is my favorite TV homophobe.

Alas, we’re back to the Bad Place. The really, really bad place. And it looks a bit like…

… this.

There was the slim hope that this was just another of Julia’s dream-fantasies, but sadly, this is actually happening.

And it only gets worse from there.

Oh, Julia. You fail so much at life right now.

Over at the apartment, Hernan and Mariana are sharing a beer and talking about the clinics that Hernan wants to open with the help of Leonardo. Mariana would like to volunteer her time and help because she thinks that what they’re doing is really important and she would like to be a part of it.

From there they talk about how Mariana used to dress like a Russian farmer and she tells Hernan that Frank (her mom’s husband) used to call her “Little Miss Misfit” because she never fit into the role that was expected of her.

Hernan says that he can relate to the whole notion of not fitting in and that even though she was only a little girl when he left, he still felt like she was the only one who understood him. He then launches into a monologue about how he never fit into his expected roles either and could never worry about the things his friends worried about — big salaries and new cars — because he was always too aware and preoccupied with the terrible things happening in the world.

Hernan: Tell you what. If you won’t accept my last name, I’ll accept yours: Mr. Misfit.

Cheers.

Over at the Bad Place, Julia is asking Armando whether this dirty guilt is how he always felt after sleeping around on her.

Julia: I guess it was true when you told me that you couldn’t control yourself.

Sigh. I would like to buy a first class, one-way ticket out of this storyline. Who’s with me?

Armando says that the only thing that can’t be controlled between them is their Feeeelings. Julia insists she’s with Mariana and that she can’t do this to her.

Um, a little late for that, Julia.

But back to the feelings. Does Julia love Mariana more? Is he just a piece of meat to her? Does she just want him for his buttcrack?

Armando, what are you doing trying to get Julia to give clear answers? Have you met her? Julia doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what she feels. She’s … what’s that word again? Oh, yes. Confused.

Armando: Are you going to tell her what happened between us?

She’s not sure. She first has to figure out what’s going on with her and Armando.

Over at Casa Wilson Torres, Mariana and Hernan are still talking about being misfits which leads Mariana to wonder if there’s a place where misfits like them fit in. Hernan tells her to write the word “misfit” on a post-it note.

It turns out that two of them have the almost the exact same handwriting. How cute!

And so we end with a happy Mariana, who doesn’t yet know that her bff-slash-love just spent the day rubbing uglies with whats-his-face. Oh, blissful ignorance.

It’s going to be a long, painful ride to Happily Ever After. But we’ll make it.

I think.

Ingrid Díaz is the author of Alix & Valerie, a professional blogger and non-recovering coffee addict. In her college days, she was a purple-haired LGBT rights activist. These days, she aims to change the world one lesbian love story at a time. You can read some of her work at www.midnightisland.com.

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