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“Thintervention” recap 1.2: Jackie, master of cocktails and bringer of pain

I’m starting to wonder if the folks at Bravo made Thintervention so late on the schedule in order to curb gigantic dinner eating. For some reason, when I watch weight-loss shows, I become ravenously hungry. It’s as though I’m tring to make up for the calories I’m watching being burned.

Anywho, on with the show!

It’s week two and haters are still gon’ hate. The participants all seem to have PMS and are starting to sabotage themselves. The mean group (who is also the most interesting) continue to smack talk their fellow dieters instead of just concentrating on their own weight loss goals.

It doesn’t take long to get to some Jackie Wisdom: Muscle failure is the fastest way to get toned and spur growth.

In honor of this wisdom, Jackie works them harder than they’ve ever worked before. Nikki is hungover and may or may not still be drunk. She says she’ll try to power through but I see some barfing in her near future.

Bryan continues to be bitchy and says there are many other places he’d rather be than at the gym. Once again it seems like these people didn’t realize what the show was about when they signed on.

Jackie’s hot tamale man trainer, Craig, is training part of the group on the treadmills and when Stacy decides she wants to take a break, he turns into a tattle-talin’ Trixie. Meanwhile, she has what seems to be an asthma attack and can’t breathe. I can’t be certain this isn’t just the result of staring at Jackie’s abs.

Nikki’s hangover isn’t blending well with the smell of armpits in the room. I actually feel for her. When I went to fat camp, the smell in the gyms could singe your nostril hairs from 20 yards away.

Nikki Wisdom: Vomit happens.

After the workout it’s time for a product placement taste test of Kombucha Asian tea. The smell makes some of them nauseous — others are ready to get down with it.

Stacy says it tastes like “moldy butt cheeks.” Jeana replies immediately, saying she likes it. Knowing how her family treats her, she’s probably been getting used to that moldy butt cheek taste for a while.

Once everyone’s gag reflexes are stretched beyond capacity and Jackie confides that she hides the yuckiness in a shake.

The week’s first challenge is to pair off and support each other. (Here comes the drama!) The teams are, Jeana and Mandy, Shay and Stacy, Bryan and Kim, and Nikki and Joe. I wonder how many calories are in a recipe for disaster.

The teams also have to plan a workout and a meal together. At the end of the week, Jackie will give them a test and as per usual she will also appear from out of nowhere to spy on them.

Joe has decided to take Nikki boxing so they can work out their aggression. I can’t wait for these two to hook up in the end because you know that’s what’s going to happen.

Mandy’s son, Jonathan, answers the door when Gina arrives, and he has obviously heard she is single and ready to mingle.

The Real Housewives of Chubville have opted for mixed martial arts. Their instructor, Hezi, keeps telling Gina she is looking good. I’m guessing Jonathan gave him the heads up on Gina.

Bryan and Kim work really well together and Kim tells him she thought he was the straight one and Joe was the gay one. According to me, the jury is still out on Joe, though I’m happy to let the straight people have him.

Shay and Stacy continue to be the weakest links of the group. The two girls can’t seem to motivate each other to push themselves – which means Jackie has to be somewhere nearby to give them the smackdown.

The following day, there is a new challenge. Everyone does a few different circuits with extra weight attached to them while also being tethered to their partner. The winner of the challenge gets to have dinner at Jackie’s place including a few cocktails of Jackie’s choice. Sign me up for this challenge!

It was a close race, but Kim and Bryan won with Jeana and Mandy not far behind. Shay and Stacy come in last place despite being the youngest team.

Jackie tells everyone to drink her milkshake and, somewhere in the world, Kelis is crying.

Unfortunately, Kim’s hand is in really bad shape, which is dangerous due to her health problems. She sees a medic who tells her she needs to see a doctor immediately.

While Kim is at the doctor, Bryan goes to Jackie’s alone and enjoys a very gay meal cooked by Jackie’s hot personal chef. They talk about Bryan’s sex life with his partner Miguel and suddenly I feel incredibly awkward.

Craig has the alcohol tolerance of a baby kitten and decides to play dress up in some footy pajamas.

It’s almost time for therapy but Kim arrives early to tell Dr. Ramani and Jackie her diagnosis is lymphodema and she is unable to continue in the program. While this makes me sad, she seems to have a really positive outlook on things.

During therapy, we find out Nikki basically lost both of her parents at the age of 11 and was left to fend for herself when her older brother threw lavish parties without inviting her. Now she’s making up for lost time.

Bryan reveals that he was sexually abused at a very young age and has put blame on his parents for not doing anything about it. It ended up being a very emotional therapy session.

At the weigh-in, Bryan loses the most with seven pounds and Joe ends up gaining a pound. Jackie tells him it’s OK; it’s probably muscle. I beg to differ.

Next week, it looks like a lot of tears. What did you think of last night’s episode? Am I being too harsh on Joe? What were those green things sitting in a dish at the therapy session? Who do you think will make out with Gina first?

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