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The MTV 2010 VMAs: We were born this way, baby!

Oh, the Video Music Awards: MTV trying to be cool again and drunk celebrities attempting to make the Monday morning headlines. Last night, at L.A.’s Nokia Theatre, Kanye West didn’t throw a tantrum, there were no fake lesbos swapping spit for 16 seconds of screen-time and no one tried to make an awkward comeback. (Except Cher, who looked so freaking fierce and far from awkward, I’m not counting it.) In fact, the VMAs were pretty tame this year, sparsely populated by a handful of good performances, Kanye-themed gags, and Lady Gaga gushing over the gays for the whole nation to hear.

I obviously watched the boring White Carpet show in desperate anticipation of Nicki Minaj, a.k.a. Nicki Lewinski, tearing up the small stage. Clad in a shiny spacesuit and hot pink wig, Minaj shut it down with “Your Love” and her second single “Check it Out” with will.i.am. It was hot!

You know what else was hot? Gaga in a gown from one of Alexander McQueen’s final collections, as she introduced her friends from the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, supporting the “very important cause” of repealing DADT in light of the recent ruling.

Eminem opened the show with his dime-a-dozen emo-shouting raps, but Rihanna, looking like the Red Queen, showed up just in time to save him and put me out of my misery by singing “Love the Way You Lie,” a song with a supposedly “progressive” message about domestic violence. (I’m very skeptical.)

After getting her booty slapped by Lindsay Lohan, who coached her on how to turn her life around (if LiLo can do it, so can you, bois and girls!), host Chelsea Handler emerged onstage to “Bad Romance,” wearing a house on her face. Turns out Chelsea is the first woman to host the VMAs in 16 years! WTF? Justin Bieber wasn’t even alive back then, but it’s so hard to imagine life without him and his poser 28-year-old lesbian-style. Chelsea was so over the whole “girl-on-girl-kiss” thing at the VMAs, and would rather you all get your tongues ready to shove them some place they’re not supposed to be.

The first presenter of the night was Ellen DeGeneres for for Best Female Video: Amazing singer, incredible dancer, fashion icon, party girl, and Southern cutie. But enough about Ellen, Lady Gaga wins for “Bad Romance,” thanks the soldiers who have been discharged and, most importantly, all the gays who re-made her video.

Since this is a lesbian site, it’s only fair to bring up Bieber’s performance. I swear that he’s actually the dyke who walked out of my roommate’s bed this morning and used my mouthwash. Wearing the same outfit. Coincidence or rip-off? And gross — get your own mouthwash!

MTV made it a point to pair up the two women in music that have capitalized more on faux-lesbianism than even Justin Bieber: Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj. Nicki’s my girl, but I will forever have a bad taste in my mouth (not only because Bieber the Lesbian used my mouthwash) from her playing games with my heart. They obvi presented the award for Best Male Video because, god forbid, should anybody think that they’re vagetarians. Then they’d never sell any additional lezploitation songs! I was too annoyed to pay attention to who won, but it was probably somebody who refers to both Perry and Minaj as “bitches.” Hooray!

You know who’s really cool, though? Florence + The Machine. Homegirl was a vision onstage, with “Dog Days Are Over” providing a much-needed respite from the rest of the auto-tuned, overly produced acts (over-compensation much?) before and after her.

Gaga, who had been nominated for a record-breaking 13 awards, won again for Best Pop Video, requiring assistance with her 1,000 lb. dress, as she told Jane Lynch she loved her, and, after explaining that she refused to change her “Bad Romance” video, screamed, “We were born this way, baby!”

Aziz Ansari, one of the funniest people ever, cracked up when Ronnie from Jersey Shore explained the whole T-Swift/Kanye debacle last year, echoing my “who really gives a crap, it was funny” sentiment and annoyance that T-Swift actually wrote a song about it. Whatever. I preferred Kanye’s song about “douche bags, a–holes, and scumbags” anyway.

Hayley Williams and B.o.B., who had never previously met each other to record or shoot the video for “Airplanes,” finally took the stage together, after which Ms. Williams launched into “Only Exception” with Paramore, which melted me into a puddle of sappiness and bunny rabbits.

Speaking of bunny rabbits, Queen Cher herself made an entrance in her “If I Could Turn Back Time” fishnet outfit and commented that she was officially the “oldest chick with the biggest hair and littlest outfit,” when Lady Gaga was Baby Gaga. Too bad wearing nothing doesn’t faze anyone these days. As if passing the torch to the next bizarrely dressed, trailblazing diva, Cher presented Lady Gaga with the award for Video of the Year. No one objected to Gaga’s win, and Cher held Gaga’s foul meat purse while Gaga announced her new album, “Born this Way,” and belted out a little ditty from what’s probably the title track. Pure awesomeness.

While there was no real shock value at the VMAs this year, the stars somehow kept it drama-free, LGBT-friendly, and decently entertaining. The folks at MTV should take some tips from Gaga and us Gays if they really want to throw a party.

What was your favorite moment from last night’s awards show?

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