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“Las Aparicio” recap: Episodes 55-57

So, where were we? Ah, yes. When last we left them, Julia and Mariana were on a double date with Armando and Valeria. All of this is part of Armando’s evil plot to win back Lady Julia. And, sadly, it’s working. Julia is growing progressively more jealous of Armando and Valeria together, which makes no sense to me because, hello? Has she seen her girlfriend?! But Julia’s emotions are a mixed salad of crazygreens with loonydressing on the side, which probably means this show is about to take us to a bad place.

We pick up episode 55 with the foursome playing a game of questions. It’s Mariana’s turn and she asks Armando what he would do if he found a wallet full of cash: return it to the owner or keep it? Armando says he’d keep the money so he could take Valeria out to breakfast.

Instantly, Julia’s like, “Don’t you care about the people who lost their wallet?” And Mariana, who has an RSS feed subscription to Julia’s True Thoughts sees that what Julia is really saying is, “How dare you take this girl out to breakfast and not me?” So she stares disapprovingly at her girlfriend.

Armando, very smoothly uses the nickame he has for Julia — “Flaca” — to refer to Valeria. But when she hears the nickname, Julia automatically says, “What?” And Mariana sighs and facepalms.

Yes, Julia, you are incredibly obvious and transparent and it’s embarrassing all of us. Please to be stopping this now.

It’s Valeria’s turn to ask Julia a question.

Valeria: Your boss offers you a promotion if you agree to sleep with him … do you do it?

Julia: Of course!

Mariana: What?! Don’t joke, Julia.

Julia: Why not? It’s just a game. He said it.

I think Julia is actually playing a different game called: How to Screw Up A Perfectly Awesome Relationship By Being an Idiot. So far, she’s winning by a landslide.

Next question! Armando asks Mariana:

Armando: You have a new boyfriend — sorry, girlfriend, but you don’t stop missing your ex. Do you tell your partner?

Mariana: Look, I think more than once you’ve proven that games are for little kids or more accurately that you can’t stop being immature, so I think I’m going to go because otherwise I won’t have time to do the stuff I need to do. Excuse me.

Armando is enjoying every second of this.

Julia half-heartedly protests and Mariana tells her that if she wants to stay she can stay, but that she has to leave.

Mariana: Valeria, I’m sorry. By the way, you have really gorgeous eyes.

Julia: No one asked you!

Oh, Mariana, you charmer.

Valeria totally thinks so too.

I figure she’s thinking that if things don’t work out between Mariana and Julia, maybe Mariana can give her a call.

Julia grumpily agrees to leave and yells for Mariana to wait up.

Armando is, naturally, very proud of himself. Operation: Make Julia Jealous and Piss Mariana Off in the Process was a smashing success.

And though Valeria can totally see through his little ploy to make Julia jealous, Mariana staring into her eyes left her all hot and bothered so when Armando proposes sex, she doesn’t turn him down. To this I say, “Ew,” so let’s move on.

Next day, Julia is whining about the double date and Mariana is annoyed with her and states that seeing Armando with Valeria must have really bothered her. Julia denies it up and down and says that she’s actually happy about it because it means that he won’t be bothering them anymore.

Mariana: If you say so.

Raise your hand if you believe Julia.

That’s what I thought.

You know who also didn’t raise her hand? Mariana. But Mariana can’t resist Julia nor her smile so her annoyance dissipates the moment Julia proposes a “game.”

Julia: What would you do if you saw your girlfriend making the bed? Would you a) help her make it or b) help her unmake it?

Mariana’s answer is c) take her to the futon. Or maybe take her on the futon. I’d vote for the latter. Mariana leads her girlfriend in that direction.

Later on, they’re packing. For a trip? Nope. Apparently, they want to donate some food and clothes to victims of a recent hurricane. Hernan drops by and asks how things are going.

Things aren’t going very well, says Mariana, because they watched the news, and no one can possibly be cheerful after watching the news. Between the hurricane and the fact that the supreme court is reviewing the issue of gay adoptions — well, everything is doom and gloom.

Mariana: I don’t know whether to be angry or depressed.

Hernan agrees that things are effed up but he’s all, “We’ll see.”

Julia doesn’t understand why the government is putting so much time and effort into worrying about gay issues instead of focusing on things like catching drug dealers and murderers.

Mariana: It drives me crazy that people would rather a kid to be on the street, asking for money in a corner, shooting up on drugs, instead of being with a couple that will love him and give him all the love and care that he’ll need.

Sing it, sister.

In episode 56, we pick things up with Armando, who’s at the gallery cafe telling Ileana and her boyfriend, Bruno, that things with Julia didn’t work out exactly as planned because he can’t determine whether Julia was really jealous or if her pride was just hurt.

Ileana is very interested in making sure that Julia breaks up with Mariana and goes back to Armando, so she suggests that maybe the key is to make Mariana so jealous that she breaks things up with Julia. Bruno is more interested in finding out whether Armando slept with Valeria, but Valeria shows up to talk to Armando and that conversation is cut short.

Armando tells Valeria that their sleeping together was nice and all but that he doesn’t want anything serious and Valeria wholeheartedly agrees. Blah, blah, who cares?

Over at Mariana’s, Julia is super excited because a producer is interested in auditioning both Julia and Mariana for parts in a TV series. Mariana tells Julia to calm down because it’s just an audition and it’s not a sure thing, but Julia is an eternal optimist and wants to start celebrating right away. She proposes a romantic dinner, followed by dancing.

Mariana: Oh, my love, I’m sorry. I agreed to have dinner with Hernan.

Julia: Oh, okay, well then I guess it will be a non-romantic dinner. But then we really do have to go out dancing because I really, really want to.

Mariana: Yes, my love, but how do I tell you this without upsetting you? It’s just that there’s a lot of things still to fix with Hernan and I would really like it if it was just the two of us. I mean, just to avoid awkwardness.

Julia: Well, okay. Why would I get mad? But you do owe me going out to party, you can’t get out of that.

I don’t know, Mariana, leaving your girlfriend alone right now sounds like a bad idea. Especially when your girlfriend is Julia Aparicio. But what do I know about women?

That evening, Mariana has dinner with Hernan. Hernan tells her that he wants to tell her something, something he’s never told anyone before and only wants his own daughter to know.

Meanwhile, Julia is — well, where else would she be but at Armando’s?

They’re talking about Valeria and Armando tells Julia that he slept with her but that he doesn’t think he should have. Julia snaps at him and asks if it’s because she hurt his ego somehow, but Armando says that it’s not it at all.

Armando: I feel like — like, I’m wasting my life and my love. Like I’m wasting my kisses and I feel like — like I’m going to end up alone and make it so that other people end up alone.

Sigh. I need a drink.

Julia: Well, I’m surprised. I’ve never heard you talk like this. On the one hand I feel bad that you ended things with this girl but on the other, it’s great that you’re thinking like this. I think it’s important for you to finally grow and for you to realize that you can’t go through life —

Yeah, there’s a shocker.

Over at Mariana’s, Hernan is telling Mariana a heartbreaking story from his days as a doctor in the war and how he had only ten minutes to evacuate with his patients but that there wasn’t enough time to get everyone to a safe zone, so they were forced to take refuge underground.

Hernan: Suddenly, two soldiers entered and I fired. They were two young kids. I couldn’t speak for four or five days. The screwed up thing is that wars are organized and planned and used as business by adults but the ones they send to kill each other are the kids.

Over at Armando’s, the kiss didn’t get him very far. In fact, Julia’s rather upset.

Also — and this may surprise some of you — she’s confused. Yes. She gets there and she’s only about 20% confused and then by the time she leaves she’s like … 1000% confused. Which is a lot of confusion for one poor lesbisexual. Oh noes, poor Julia. Her life is so hard.

Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That’s hard.

Yes, thank you, Sue.

Armando tells Julia he can’t help himself because he has a lot of feelings.

Julia: You have to understand that you and I are no longer together. You have to understand that, seriously.

Armando wants to make their friendship bigger. I don’t know what that means. I guess he wants it to take over the universe, like the blob. Julia tells him to please stop kissing her, then, because all it does is confuse her.

Back at Mariana’s, Hernan is still breaking everyone’s hearts. He tells Mariana about how he lost his love, the female doctor he met during the war. He was forced to leave her behind at her insistence in order to help some patients get to safety. There were some patients that were not in any condition to be moved so his girlfriend insisted on staying behind with them. When he went back for her, he found that she, the patients, and a couple of the volunteers that remained had all been killed.

Hernan: I was left with three terrible regrets: having killed those two kids … letting my partner die … and never having met you.

*hands out tissues*

Mariana: To me, you’re a hero. I am so grateful that you told me all of this. I’m so sorry.

Hernan tells her that he wants to win back all the time lost between them, even though he knows that time is the thing you can never get back. He promises to be a really loving father from now on.

*sniff*

In episode 57, we pick things up with Julia and Mariana in bed together, which, sadly, sounds far more exciting than it actually is. Mariana is looking at war videos online and Julia is beside her, looking — I don’t know. Like she’s probably fantasizing about Armando.

Then we move on to the following morning, where Mariana is still on the computer, but has now moved from the bed to her desk.

Julia: On Twitter so early?

Mariana: No. I was just reading some things. How are you?

Julia: Good. And you?

Mariana: Good.

Julia: How did it go with Hernan?

Mariana: Good. A little intense, but good.

Julia brings over the script for that TV series that we all forgot about. They only have one hour to prepare for it and Mariana doesn’t even know what it’s about. Julia tells her. It’s basically about two friends who fight over the same guy and also (FORESHADOWING ALERT) the question of whether or not it’s possible for there to exist love between three people.

Mariana says it sounds cool, but Julia thinks it sounds lame.

Julia: TV writers have no imagination! Everything is always about a love triangle. Why don’t they write about a foursome or a sixsome or something like that … something more original.

Mariana: Don’t joke. It’s already complicated enough without adding a third, fourth or sixth —

Julia: Well yeah. But imagine how much fun it will be. You and me, fighting over a man. That hasn’t happened in like a thousand years.

Mariana: A thousand? More like never.

Julia brings up an Abraham from their youth that she insists Mariana had a crush on, except that Mariana insists she did not have a crush on him; she just wanted to steal his Power Rangers lunchbox. Julia gives up on the argument but says that regardless, Mariana is going to have to do something she hasn’t done in many years.

Mariana: What’s that?

Julia: Kiss a man.

Mariana: No!

But yes. It’s in the script.

Mariana: What if he has a beard? No. I have a better idea. What if you and I rehearse that scene?

Julia: But I can’t help you. I don’t have a beard, my love.

That’s what I call having a leg up on the competition. Hahaha. Ahem. Sorry.

Later, on set, things that should never happen are happening.

Things get heated (barf) and Julia (theoretically in character) walks on set. At the sight of Mariana making out with this guy, her first thought is this:

Which is a scene from the very first episode. And also? WTF, Julia?! Your first thought when seeing your girlfriend making out with someone should be, “I am going to punch this dude in the face,” it should not be Random Memory of Ex-Boyfriend Sleeping With Random Redhead.

Sigh. I need another drink.

The director yells, “Cut!” And Mariana takes the opportunity to tell Julia to hurry up next time because the guy has a beard and she’s being tortured. As are we all.

Afterwards, the director tells them both to stick around, which sounds like good news. Mariana says that if they get the part, she’s coming with a razor next time to shave the guy’s beard. Julia tells her not to exaggerate because from where she was standing Mariana looked very into it.

Julia: I was thinking, ‘A few more takes, and this girl flips her canoe.’

And I am totally using that expression from now on because it is awesome.

Mariana isn’t sure she wants to take the part, which Julia thinks is crazysause and starts listing the many reasons why Mariana has to take the part. Then someone turns off the lights on set which is their cue to move into a brighter corner and make out.

Meanwhile, Armando tries getting a date, or, more likely, a one night stand, with someone I assume he used to have no trouble getting into his bed. Unfortuntely, now that he’s no longer a hotshot soccer player, he’s having a much harder time of things. He could always try Alma’s escort service. Just sayin.

Over at Mariana’s, Julia is saying that Mariana is too tense and starts massaging her shoulders.

In the process of enjoying her relaxing massage, Mariana has an epiphany.

Mariana: Hernan came to Mexico to die.

What?! No! Okay, yeah, probably.

But we’ll deal with that later, because after we cut from Julia and Mariana and move on to other things, we come back, and things are happening that should always be happening.

Except, of course, things that should never happen are happening in Julia’s mind.

Or maybe in Armando’s.

But more likely in both.

.fin

Who wants to go out for drinks? I’m paying.

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