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“Thintervention” recap 1.1: No cheeseburgers, vedgies

There are few things I enjoy in life more than a weight loss show. Thankfully, lesbian Jackie “six pack attack” Warner has heard my plea for a new weight loss show. Thintervention made its debut last night and proves that not only are fat people funny, we’re also really bitchy and catty, too!

The show started in the gym on the spinning bikes and introduced us to the brave souls who have signed on for the challenge. Bryan is worried Jackie has bigger balls than he has and looks mean. Mandy, 48, must think that look is kind of hot because she “isn’t gay” but finds Jackie “sooo attractive.”

Stacy is a 23-year-old Jewish comedian (that’s how we cope!) who says correctly, “Jews and their food – you can’t separate them!” We are one of the only cultures where your family will shove food down your throat and then make you feel guilty about eating it.

Four minutes into the show and I spy a Real Housewife of the OC. Jeana is aiming to lose 25 pounds and, as someone who used to watch her show, I am hoping she gets a lot of therapy.

Jackie Wisdom: “Don’t avoid the burn – chase it.”

Nikki, 39, needs to lose 50 pounds but feels naked without her cocktails. Suddenly this show is like looking into a mirror. She can’t bear the thought of going a night without a cocktail or three.

Jackie asks Bryan what he wants to gain from this experience and he says he wants to wear fabulous clothes. I don’t blame him – he has a super hot boyfriend, Miguel.

Nikki Wisdom: “It’s difficult to be a queer and a little chubby.”

She is mistaking gay men for hipsters. He can be a bear, but wearing skinny jeans is out of the question.

Joe is an event planner with a love of cheeseburgers and rolling his eyes at other fat people. He thinks his farts smell like cinnamon sprigs and cotton candy.

Kim and Shay are the only mother/daughter duo on the show and when the pounds start melting off they are going to be stone foxes.

Jackie Wisdom: “Workouts are not painful, they are pleasure. We have to reframe what you think is pleasure and what you think is pain.”

Mandy and her husband are really happy together and I have a feeling they might be swingers. They love their shared morning baths and have two sons and everyone is just really swell.

Homework Assignment #1: Clear all sugar out of your household. Sugar is an additive in pretty much everything in your home. You will be cranky for a few days but then won’t crave it as much.

With the homework assignment given, Jackie warns Nikki she can’t have her evening cocktails. Upon hearing this suggestion, Nikki decides she and Jackie need to have a heart-to-heart because she has to keep her liquor cabinet stocked in case guests come over. Basically she’s sassy and British and reminds me of Edina Monsoon. Also, she seems to only hang out with gay men. When you hang with gay men you need to keep the vodka chilled and stocked, this is a fact, so you really can’t blame Nikki.

Daily Challenge: Walk/run/trot/jog/skip/grapevine/Hava Nagila for two miles.

Jackie surprises the contestants at their homes to see how well they’ve been doing with their challenges. Some seem to have stepped it up, while others can’t even seem to get their personal chefs to make something healthy. (Jeana I am looking at you!) Warner assures Jeana and her chef that they will find some great recipes in Jackie’s new book, This is Why You’re Fat. I have the book — I’ll fill all of you darling readers in on whatever might be delicious and what gets my gag reflex going.

Jackie gives some recommendations of foods to eat: cottage cheese, two eggs with yolk, oatmeal, free range chicken the portion size of your palm, at least two large bottles of water with a dash of lemon juice and that’s about it. I’m losing weight just looking at that menu.

Next, we check in with a few more contestants. Jackie makes Mandy and her son do sprints on their home basketball court. Suddenly this show has turned into the Real Chubby Housewives of California. Bryan is turning into more and more of a bitchy queen by the second. I’m guessing it’s his hunger lashing out.

I’ve decided that almost every fat person highlighted on this show has used their humor to compensate for things. The comedian is the only person who hasn’t said anything funny so far.

It was extreme workout day at Laguna Beach. Jackie imparts her wisdom to her students, “The number one obstacle in your way is your mind. Don’t let it get in your way,” and all I can think about is if Jackie is crimping her hair these days or if it’s naturally got a little wave.

The extreme workout day was filled with a lot of exciting things. My biggest takeaway was Shay’s term “Vajaginals,” another word for “frontal wedgie,” “cameltoe,” or another new Shay term — “Vedgie>” This of course reminds me of the song “Cameltoe” by Fannypack with one of the best lyrics of all time: “Is your crotch hungry girl? Cuz it’s eatin’ your pants.”

As the contestants huffed and puffed their way to the end, Jeana played favorites and gathered the villains of the show to have a nice catty dinner served by her personal chef.

Over dinner, we hear a virtual Ferris wheel of smack talking being piled up like blueberry pancakes smothered in hate butter. Nikki thinks Joe wants to lose weight simply to sleep with better looking girls. She also quips that he must not have money because that’s all it takes to bag a babe. Joe thinks Jeana is trying to date rape him and he’s too tired from his workout to fend her off. Oh Joe, you S.O.B.

Finally, the group goes to therapy, seeing as they all seem to need it desperately. The biggest reveal we find is that Kim, who had barely gotten any camera time, is a breast and uterine cancer survivor. She and Shay dealt with their stress, worry and fear by running to the ice cream carton. Now they’re here together to take back their lives and teach us more words for our no-no parts.

Weigh-in results: Everyone lost at least four pounds, with Joe losing the most at 10.

All-in-all, it was a great week for our eight new friends. I thought the show was pretty good. I really enjoy the fact that the contestants aren’t too morbidly obese for me to not relate to. Also, they aren’t competing against each other, only against themselves so we get to see all of them through until the end. Jackie seems to be showing a softer side and I think I kind of like her with the longer hair.

If you didn’t catch the first episode, you can watch it for free on Hulu. Did it give you a vedgie?

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