TV

The Emmys go gay with Jane Lynch, “Modern Family” and more

Look, I’m just going to come right out and say it: I laughed more in the first 30 minutes of last night’s Emmy Awards than I’ve laughed in the last five telecasts combined. Singing, dancing, Slushees, Jane Lynch. And as far as openings go it doesn’t get better than the giddy, self-deprecating “Born to Run” Glee parody that featured pretty much everyone you love. No, really, everyone.

Yes, that’s Jane with host Jimmy Fallon and the Glee kids, Tina Fey, Jon Hamm, Joel McHale, Tim Gunn, Randy Jackson, Hurley from Lost, that girl from The Vampire Diaries and the ubiquitous Betty White. Heck, even Kate Gosselin was funny, and I’ve never typed those words before — ever. Really, you should see it for yourself.

Awards were handed out in genre blocks and producers wisely chose to start with comedy. It’s been an amazing year for funny business, with newcomers Modern Family and Glee barnstorming a category dominated by 30 Rock for the past three years. From the night’s first award, it was clear there was a new sheriff in town. Modern Family‘s Eric Stonestreet beat out three out gay men (Chris Colfer, Neil Patrick Harris and Jesse Tyler Ferguson) by playing a gay man to take home best comedy supporting actor.

So instead the night’s first out winner was the inimitable Jane Freaking Lynch, who takes home her first Emmy for best comedy supporting actress. After her name was announced, Jane gave wife Lara Embry a kiss on the lips. Then on stage she gave Stephen Colbert a kiss on the lips, too, for good measure. But there was no question where her real affections were as she closed her alternately hilarious and heartfelt acceptance speech with, “I love you my wife, Lara, and my little girl, Haden.”

Dear Jane: Please win every award ever. And bring along your lovely wife, Lara. We want to stare at you two forever while going, “Awwww.” Thanks, The Universe.

Speaking of Glee, its mastermind Ryan Murphy introduced his best comedy writing segment with Heather Morris (it’s Brittany, bitch — in her Britney Spears attire no less) on his lap. He went on to pick up the directing statuette. No Brittana sighting on the red carpet, but they managed to find each other at the after party.

I think Heather is showing us exactly how high the slit in Naya Rivera‘s dress goes.

At 5:39 p.m. Pacific Time, that sound you heard all over the world was nerd flipping out at The Big Bang Theory star Jim Parson‘s win for best comedy actor. And then a few minutes later you heard the appreciative clapping of fans of good acting everywhere as Edie Falco picked up her fourth Emmy. Even she seemed a little perplexed, saying “This is the most ridiculous thing…I’m not funny!” You’re funny, Edie, and also the first woman to win both best actress for comedy and drama.

In another unprecedented win, Top Chef finally loosened The Amazing Race‘s seven-year grip on best reality series trophy. The show had won ever since the category was first added in 2003. But the Bravo cooking competition told it to pack its knives and go, much to host Padma Lakshmi‘s obvious delight. Emmy, Padma, Emmy!

Also, don’t think I didn’t catch that Top Chef producer nearly faceplant on her way to the stage. Say hello to Emmy infamy, lady.

Breaking Bad, a show I’ve never watched because I have no interest amateur methamphetamine production, picks up both the drama actor and supporting actor awards for Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul, respectively. Emily Deschanel and her new (and I’ll go ahead and say it — unfortunate) bangs then present Archie Panjabi with supporting actress in a drama honor.

Archie then promised to only kiss people in front of garage doors next season on The Good Wife. Wait, that might have just been in my head.

Tina Fey and Matthew Morrison‘s hair present the best actress in a drama award. Kyra Sedgwick proved that the fifth time was actually the charm, as she won her first Emmy for The Closer. She asked Tina to hold her Emmy while she gave her acceptance speech. And my Fake TV Wife comes through with the quip of the night, saying, “At least I get to hold one tonight.”

Oh, Tina, come sit next to me and I’ll hold you tight and make you forget all about your Emmy losses.

Proving that this year’s Emmys is one of the gayest ever, the Tony Awards beat out comic Wanda Sykes and her “I’ma Be Me” comedy concert for best variety special. That’s OK, Wanda, you still get to take home your smoking hot wife, Alex Sykes. So I’d say everyone leaves a winner.

Also a winner? Ricky Gervais for passing out beers to the audience. Man, the Golden Globes are going to be awesome. In the Conan vs. Jon vs. Stephen battle of the late night funny men, Jon prevailed and The Daily Show won its eighth consecutive Emmy. Yes, eighth. Stephen Colbert must be secretly buying Acme products and plotting Stewart’s demise like the Wylie Coyote.

The miniseries category (i.e. the time when everyone gets up and takes a bathroom break) actually held some worthwhile wins for those with strong bladders. Claire Danes, Julia Ormond and David Strathairn made it a near clean sweep of the acting categories for Temple Grandin, who was also there and wildly adorable onstage when the miniseries won as well. Not to mention that seeing Angela Chase win an Emmy made my teenage self ecstatic.

I almost forgive you for being in those creepy eyelash growing commercials, Claire — almost.

The cast of True Blood presented something and in the course of their introduction and banter they were inflicted with not one, but two vampire jokes. Backstage, I can only imagine that Stephen Moyer and Alexander Skarsgard soothed the pain of those terrible puns by reminiscing about what it was like to be the bread in an Anna Paquin sandwich on that Rolling Stone cover.

I know thinking about it made me feel better.

With only the evening’s two biggest honor left, the Emmy telecast threatened to end on time. In a sign of how strong the comedy shows were this year, best drama was announced first leaving the expected Glee v. Modern Family battle for the grand finale. Mad Men won again in drama, its third in a row. Yes, yes, classy quality television. Now show us Christina Hendricks.

Horrors! Don’t shuffle her off into a corner and crop her out of the picture. Are you people mad? Oh, wait. Well, I’ll make up for that grievous injustice right now. You’re welcome, gay ladies, you’re welcome.

So then will it be the big extended family with the gays or the singing and dancing with the gays (yes, I had already resigned myself long ago to 30 Rock not winning — you’re still my No. 1 Tina) that wins it all? Modern Family takes it and gay women everywhere pass out in excitement because its star Sofia Vergara had promised to streak naked down Hollywood Blvd. if it won. A promise is a promise, honey.

And in case you plan to execute the asterisk clause in said promise saying “Cast member may change without notice,” I could gladly accept co-star Julie Bowen as a worthy replacement. Just not Ed O’Neill, please.

So, how about them Emmys? Who got robbed? Who deserved it? And, really, when can we start lining up down Hollywood Blvd?

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