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Your Gay Guide to the Emmy Awards

The 62nd annual Primetime Emmy Awards are Sunday, so we can expect to see television’s finest all gussied up to compete for a golden winged statuette that doubles handily as a barbecue skewer. This year a slew of newcomers — from Glee to Modern Family and The Good Wife — will compete against Hollywood’s reigning elite including 30 Rock and Mad Men as Jimmy Fallon tries to keep the show on time.

Handicapping the potential winners is usually done based on a complex equation of merit, popularity, momentum and the phases of the moon. But merit-shmerit, I want to judge them on their gay factor. While we hope the best nominee wins in each category, we’ll be cheering for the gayest possible outcome on Sunday. A look at the nominees.

-Jane Lynch (Glee)

-Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live)

-Jane Krakowski (30 Rock)

-Julie Bowen (Modern Family)

-Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)

-Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men)

Gayest Possible Outcome: Jane. Freaking. Lynch. And if Sofia Vergara wants to give Jane a big wet (yet respectful, Jane is a married lady after all) congratulatory kiss for winning, all the better.

-Chris Colfer (Glee)

-Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)

-Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)

-Jon Cryer (Two and A Half Men)

-Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)

-Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

Gayest Possible Outcome: Three out gay men are nominated in this category. It’s already the gayest possible outcome.

-Sharon Gless (Burn Notice)

-Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)

-Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)

-Rose Byrne (Damages)

-Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)

-Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)

Gayest Possible Outcome: Archie Panjabi wins and as the stage curtain falls she steps in to give the female presenter what appears to be a long-awaited kiss. Damn curtain/garage door.

-John Slattery (Mad Men)

-Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)

-Martin Short (Damages)

-Terry O’ Quinn (Lost)

-Michael Emerson (Lost)

-Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age)

Gayest Possible Outcome: Not a gay outcome, but a sentimental one — Martin Short because his wife of 30 years passed away this week. Sentimentality is totally gay.

-Lea Michele (Glee)

-Tina Fey (30 Rock)

-Toni Collette (The United States of Tara)

-Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine)

-Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)

-Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)

Gayest Possible Outcome: I want it to be a six-way tie and then they all make out on stage. What? You have your dreams, I have mine.

-Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

-Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)

-Matthew Morrison (Glee)

-Steve Carell (The Office)

-Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)

-Tony Shalhoub (Monk)

Gayest Possible Outcome: Matthew Morrison because he sings and dances every week. And he tried to seduce Jane Lynch. OK, and the hair.

-Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)

-Mariska Hargitay (Special Victims Unit)

-Glenn Close (Damages)

-Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)

-January Jones (Mad Men)

-Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights)

Gayest Possible Outcome: Mariska Hargitay — just think of all the creative ways Alex and Olivia shippers could incorporate the Emmy statuette into their fan fiction.

-Jon Hamm (Mad Men)

-Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)

-Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)

-Hugh Laurie (House M.D.)

-Michael C. Hall (Dexter)

-Matthew Fox (Lost)

Gayest Possible Outcome: Tough call, but probably Jon Hamm because every gay man in America would appreciate a longer look at him in his tuxedo.

-Glee

-Modern Family

-Curb Your Enthusiasm

-Nurse Jackie

-30 Rock

-The Office

Gayest Possible Outcome: Another tough call considering half of the nominated shows had central gay storylines and characters last season. If forced to say who was gayest I’d have to say Glee, on account of the costumes.

-Lost

-Breaking Bad

-Dexter

-Mad Men

-True Blood

-The Good Wife

Gayest Possible Outcome: Gay sexy vampires and Anna Paquin in various states of undress will beat people stranded on an island, people making meth, people killing other people, people advertising things and people going to court every single time when it comes to The Gay.

So there you have it, a simple gay guide to the Emmys. Now it’s your turn to weigh in. Cast your Emmy ballots in our own poll!

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Watch the Emmys live at 8 p.m. Eastern/5 p.m. Pacific on NBC. And check back Monday for our full recap and the results of our Emmy polls!

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