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“True Blood” mini-cap 3.10 “I Smell a Rat”

Sookie is so not thrilled that she’s a “f—–g lame” fairy. She likes it even less when Bill says they are also called “aliens” sometimes and also enjoyed raping humans. Bill, that’s not something you say to a girl. “You are an alien rapist” is right next to “I’ve had better” or “Yes, you do look fat in those pants” on the list of Do Not Discuss.

But when she asks Bill how he knows this piece of information, he tells her how he met Claudine and got the details, like the fact that fairy blood tastes “so delicious” to vampires. Sookie asks if that’s why he loves her so much and he claims it’s not, though he was surely drawn to her because of it.

One thing I want to know is why no vampire questioned their draw to Sookie in the first place, then, if “every supernatural being” Bill says he’s ever met knows fairies have delicious blood. You’d think they’d also be aware of their mind-reading powers, too, and have figured Sookie out by now.

Anyway, Bill manages to convince Sookie that he loves her for who she is, not how orgasmic her blood is and it works – for now.

Bill says he’ll never feed on her again if she needs convincing that he loves her and not her blood. But she obviously enjoys his bites on the neck, and she doesn’t say “OK – keep those fangs away from my veins.”

At Fangtasia, Eric is signing over all of his assets to his progeny, Pam, who is pissed in purple.

She wants to know why Eric won’t even put up a fight, and he tells her to stay out of it unless she has a way he can defeat the oldest and toughest vampire alive. Yvetta was called in to sign as a witness, and is upset to learn that she is getting nothing upon Eric’s death.

Apparently he promised her everything, though he claims he promised her a job and good sex only. He calls her a “gold-digging whore” and she runs out of the room.

“You can be a cold-hearted bastard,” Pam tells him. Eric, as usual, is unconcerned.

Jason and Tara are trying to dispose of Franklin’s goo, which ends up being half dug underground and half into the back of Jason’s pick-up truck.

At Jason’s, Sookie and Bill are hanging out, watching Nan Flanagan on TV, trying to clear up the mess Russell caused by murdering a newsanchor on air.

Then Eric stops by to ask if Bill can walk in the sunlight after drinking Sookie’s blood – he needs to know because that’s why Sophie-Ann is so interested in her. But Bill fills him in – it only works for a few minutes; you still end up burning. “That’s going to disapoint Sophie-Ann,” Eric says and divulges that he’s killed Talbot. “Thanks, you’ve just put our cause back a thousand years,” Bill says. They start arguing about “the truth!” and Sookie comes out to say, “What truth?”

Eric tells her not to trust Bill and that he’ll be gone soon anyway.

Lafayette takes a detour on the way to taking Crystal’s dad to the hospital. He has a better idea and goes to his house to get some V. And, by golly, it works. The half-dead man magically heals and comes to – just in time to call Jesus and Lafayette faggots and tell Crystal he never wants to see her again. His blood line is all messed up now, thanks to them.

Lafayette says what everyone is thinking: “Them f—kers is a whole new dimension of trash.”

Sam is drinking alone, post-beating that guy’s ass in his bar in front of everyone. He starts remembering times past, specifically a time in 2003 when he wore cheap suits and had a really bad greased-back hairdo. He was dating one of the women from John Tucker Must Die, who is only interested in him for his ability to sneak in places and steal jewelry without setting off alarms. She is asking for his secrets while he is trying to undress her, but a man with a gun appears and lets Sam know he’s “getting screwed.”

Sam’s girl is in on this and she doesn’t mind being referred to as a “world class piece of ass.” But who would, really? She looks a little sad for Sam, whose pushed down onto the floor as they leave with the goods, but otherwise, she’s not too remorseful.

Back in his trailer, Sam is still drunk and angry. Reminiscing isn’t going so well.

At Merlotte’s, Arlene is nodding along to the newscast from the Fellowship of the Sun, talking s–t about vampires while Jessica is in the room. It’s not long before Jessica has her pinned up against the wall.

“OK, we get it – you don’t like vampires. Well I don’t like narrow-minded skinny bitches with bad dye jobs.” Snap snap, Jessica. Way to tell her what for.

Arlene calls her evil and runs to the bathroom, giving Tommy the opportunity to slink over to Jessica talking dirty about how he likes her sexy fangs. Jessica is uninterested and moves away from his creepster attempt at kissing her.

Hoyt is trying to get rid of Summer, but she has decided that she’ll now call him “Bear” because he’s so big and cuddly, and that she’d like him to deflower her. “I know God wants girls to wait,” she said, but she is ready.

Tara and Jason arrive back at his place and Tara is not thrilled to see Bill seeing as how she still wants all vampires to meet the True Death. Sookie asks if she can stay for a few days, seeing as how vampires and werewolves and the lesbians are after her. Bill leaves to go underground, but Tara stays with Sookie. Slumber party at Jason’s house!

Things aren’t all rosy between the BFFS, though. Tara is still upset Bill wouldn’t “lift a finger” to help her out of trouble at Russell’s, where she ended up getting beaten and raped. Sookie gives her a hug, but she’s still not giving up “the man she loves.” She only gives him up when he tries to kill her, and she tends to get over that quickly.

Somehow, Jesus has forgotten he was opposed to Lafayette being involved with drugs. Now he wants to try some V. He convinces Lafayette that they both are in tune to some “deep, powerful” things and they just need a small push. Just a drop will do them, and they start tripping – hard.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

But there’s a crash in the bedroom so Jason goes to check it out. It’s a panther.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

Tommy watches from behind a tree. He’s such a creep!

Bill is upset that Jason let Sookie out of his sight. “You gave me your word, Jason. You’ve let me down!” Jason takes back his invitation to let Bill in his house. He doesn’t need to be told that Sookie is out of control – he has probably been saving her ass all her life, too.

But there’s a crash in the bedroom so Jason goes to check it out. It’s a panther.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

After sex (because they won’t show the gay sex), Russell begins to talk crazy, like he’s speaking to Talbot. The pro is freaked out and says “It’s an extra $500 to bite me!” But Russell, crying bloody tears, continues: “I’ll never forgive myself that in the end, you were so alone, no one holding your hand. Your beautiful, beautiful hand.” Then he stakes the guy in the heart. “Talbot, you saved me from the world; from myself. I was a fool to trust him. I’m more sorry that I can ever say.” Russell kisses the guy’s hand, and suddenly the dead pro has turned into a dead Talbot. “I’m so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye,” Russell says, laying his head on Talbot’s chest. He’s officially cray cray in the bray bray.

Hoyt realizes, for the 100th time, he is not interested in Summer so he goes to declare his love to Jessica, who is working. He said he drove to the lake to ask God for a reason why he and Jessica couldn’t be together and it came to him – “There is no reason.”

She alludes to all the unimaginable s–t she’s done (and liked) and says he wouldn’t want her because of it, but he dismisses that argument and says “Tell me you don’t love me” and promises to leave her alone. But she can’t, and she doesn’t, so he leaves without her saying a word. Tommy races out after him into the parking lot, where Hoyt promptly punches him in the nose. Tommy turns into a pit and attacks Hoyt’s arm, ripping a gash in it. But Jessica is coming after Hoyt, and she throws the pit into the woods before forcing Hoyt to drink her blood. “I love you, too,” she says.

Tommy watches from behind a tree. He’s such a creep!

Bill is upset that Jason let Sookie out of his sight. “You gave me your word, Jason. You’ve let me down!” Jason takes back his invitation to let Bill in his house. He doesn’t need to be told that Sookie is out of control – he has probably been saving her ass all her life, too.

But there’s a crash in the bedroom so Jason goes to check it out. It’s a panther.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

“OK, I get it – I’m irresistable and intoxicating but that doesn’t really help your cause.” She wants to know why she shouldn’t trust Bill! Me, too, dammit.

Pam interrupts and brings Eric out into the bar area to argue. She’s upset he is making out with Sookie when he could be turning her in to Sophie-Ann and Russell in exchange for keeping his own life.

“Your lack of sentiment is ultimately your most admirable quality,” Eric says. “Do not disappoint me now.” She reminds him he would have done anything to save Godric, so why shouldn’t she do the same for him? Pam says she needs to use Sookie and quick.

Russell is on the prowl for a pale brunette and he finds him for $1000. “You got some place we can go?” he asks the male pro, who does, indeed.

After sex (because they won’t show the gay sex), Russell begins to talk crazy, like he’s speaking to Talbot. The pro is freaked out and says “It’s an extra $500 to bite me!” But Russell, crying bloody tears, continues: “I’ll never forgive myself that in the end, you were so alone, no one holding your hand. Your beautiful, beautiful hand.” Then he stakes the guy in the heart. “Talbot, you saved me from the world; from myself. I was a fool to trust him. I’m more sorry that I can ever say.” Russell kisses the guy’s hand, and suddenly the dead pro has turned into a dead Talbot. “I’m so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye,” Russell says, laying his head on Talbot’s chest. He’s officially cray cray in the bray bray.

Hoyt realizes, for the 100th time, he is not interested in Summer so he goes to declare his love to Jessica, who is working. He said he drove to the lake to ask God for a reason why he and Jessica couldn’t be together and it came to him – “There is no reason.”

She alludes to all the unimaginable s–t she’s done (and liked) and says he wouldn’t want her because of it, but he dismisses that argument and says “Tell me you don’t love me” and promises to leave her alone. But she can’t, and she doesn’t, so he leaves without her saying a word. Tommy races out after him into the parking lot, where Hoyt promptly punches him in the nose. Tommy turns into a pit and attacks Hoyt’s arm, ripping a gash in it. But Jessica is coming after Hoyt, and she throws the pit into the woods before forcing Hoyt to drink her blood. “I love you, too,” she says.

Tommy watches from behind a tree. He’s such a creep!

Bill is upset that Jason let Sookie out of his sight. “You gave me your word, Jason. You’ve let me down!” Jason takes back his invitation to let Bill in his house. He doesn’t need to be told that Sookie is out of control – he has probably been saving her ass all her life, too.

But there’s a crash in the bedroom so Jason goes to check it out. It’s a panther.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

She thinks it’s her but then he explains: “I shot Eggs. Say something – Tara please. Hit me, call the cops, tell me you hate me – anything.” But she can’t. She runs out of the house. Well, what did he expect? Then he noticed Sookie left a note saying she was going out. He failed at protecting her, too.

Jessica wakes up to a firey cross burning in Bill’s yard and someone yelling “Vampires go back to hell!” She wants to track them down but Bill comes to tell her it’s even more important now that they resist the urge, even if it’s “against their nature.” Easy for him to say – he’s got the delicious fairy blood at his disposal.

Sam is drinking in the woods, so he begins thinking back to a time when he tracked down the couple that duped him before. He turns from a beagle into a naked Sam, stealing the guy’s gun and demanding the money they got for the jewelry. He demands the rest, which is apparently in the truck, and he also wants the pants off the guy. “She told me you liked to bark in your sleep,” the guy tells Sam, which just makes Sam more upset. He beats the guy with the gun, punching him over and over until the girl comes out of the truck with a gun and shoots at them. He instinctively shoots back at her and ends up killing her, which he is not happy about. He loved her, even if she was a lying c–t.

Pam let’s Sookie into Eric’s office. “She insisted.” Pam leaves them to discuss their business, which is really a discussion on why Sookie shouldn’t trust Bill. But Eric has other intentions and he begins kissing her, because he’d regret it if he never had the chance to before he meets the True Death. She doesn’t really resist – not at first.

“OK, I get it – I’m irresistable and intoxicating but that doesn’t really help your cause.” She wants to know why she shouldn’t trust Bill! Me, too, dammit.

Pam interrupts and brings Eric out into the bar area to argue. She’s upset he is making out with Sookie when he could be turning her in to Sophie-Ann and Russell in exchange for keeping his own life.

“Your lack of sentiment is ultimately your most admirable quality,” Eric says. “Do not disappoint me now.” She reminds him he would have done anything to save Godric, so why shouldn’t she do the same for him? Pam says she needs to use Sookie and quick.

Russell is on the prowl for a pale brunette and he finds him for $1000. “You got some place we can go?” he asks the male pro, who does, indeed.

After sex (because they won’t show the gay sex), Russell begins to talk crazy, like he’s speaking to Talbot. The pro is freaked out and says “It’s an extra $500 to bite me!” But Russell, crying bloody tears, continues: “I’ll never forgive myself that in the end, you were so alone, no one holding your hand. Your beautiful, beautiful hand.” Then he stakes the guy in the heart. “Talbot, you saved me from the world; from myself. I was a fool to trust him. I’m more sorry that I can ever say.” Russell kisses the guy’s hand, and suddenly the dead pro has turned into a dead Talbot. “I’m so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye,” Russell says, laying his head on Talbot’s chest. He’s officially cray cray in the bray bray.

Hoyt realizes, for the 100th time, he is not interested in Summer so he goes to declare his love to Jessica, who is working. He said he drove to the lake to ask God for a reason why he and Jessica couldn’t be together and it came to him – “There is no reason.”

She alludes to all the unimaginable s–t she’s done (and liked) and says he wouldn’t want her because of it, but he dismisses that argument and says “Tell me you don’t love me” and promises to leave her alone. But she can’t, and she doesn’t, so he leaves without her saying a word. Tommy races out after him into the parking lot, where Hoyt promptly punches him in the nose. Tommy turns into a pit and attacks Hoyt’s arm, ripping a gash in it. But Jessica is coming after Hoyt, and she throws the pit into the woods before forcing Hoyt to drink her blood. “I love you, too,” she says.

Tommy watches from behind a tree. He’s such a creep!

Bill is upset that Jason let Sookie out of his sight. “You gave me your word, Jason. You’ve let me down!” Jason takes back his invitation to let Bill in his house. He doesn’t need to be told that Sookie is out of control – he has probably been saving her ass all her life, too.

But there’s a crash in the bedroom so Jason goes to check it out. It’s a panther.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

When Sam comes into work the next morning, everyone treats him with kid gloves – well, everyone but Tommy. Sam says they need to act normal; the guy he beat the s–t out of is “fine.” Lucky Sam. New waitress Holly gives Sam some herbal remedies for his high Testosterone levels. “I’m Wiccan,” she tells him, which he promptly responds with “I have two rules in my bar: no dancing, and no religion.” Then he shuts down Tommy when he says he was “proud of his brother last night” with “Well you’re an idiot.” Sam is not his usual chipper self, that’s for sure.

Arlene bursts into tears when she carries the trash outside and runs into Terry. She finally tells him the baby will be evil Renee’s baby and she wants to rid of it. But he won’t let that happen. “I’m gonna raise that child as my own, do you hear me, Arlene? I want to marry you and together we will surround that baby with more love that it can handle.” She bawls even harder, because she does not want that baby.

Jason is telling Sookie about shooting Franklin when he can’t hold back anymore – “I shot Eggs.” Sookie urges him to tell Tara because she will find out eventually and it’ll hurt her “10 times more.” Jason wants to protect people as it’s the only thing he thinks he does right. Sookie says lying and protecting people are different.

Later, Sookie has a dream where Eric kisses her and tells her, yet again, she can’t trust Bill. She wakes up as he goes to bite her neck.

Jason brings Tara something to eat, and she wakes up. She thanks him for saving her life. “You’ve been saving me since I was a little girl.” I guess I was really sheltered growing up – I don’t think anyone’s brother ever had to save my life consistently. I suppose Bon Temps is a lot more dangerous than Michigan.

Jason tries to stop Tara from saying nice things about him because he feels so guilty about Eggs. But when Tara begins to kiss him, he can’t take it.

She thinks it’s her but then he explains: “I shot Eggs. Say something – Tara please. Hit me, call the cops, tell me you hate me – anything.” But she can’t. She runs out of the house. Well, what did he expect? Then he noticed Sookie left a note saying she was going out. He failed at protecting her, too.

Jessica wakes up to a firey cross burning in Bill’s yard and someone yelling “Vampires go back to hell!” She wants to track them down but Bill comes to tell her it’s even more important now that they resist the urge, even if it’s “against their nature.” Easy for him to say – he’s got the delicious fairy blood at his disposal.

Sam is drinking in the woods, so he begins thinking back to a time when he tracked down the couple that duped him before. He turns from a beagle into a naked Sam, stealing the guy’s gun and demanding the money they got for the jewelry. He demands the rest, which is apparently in the truck, and he also wants the pants off the guy. “She told me you liked to bark in your sleep,” the guy tells Sam, which just makes Sam more upset. He beats the guy with the gun, punching him over and over until the girl comes out of the truck with a gun and shoots at them. He instinctively shoots back at her and ends up killing her, which he is not happy about. He loved her, even if she was a lying c–t.

Pam let’s Sookie into Eric’s office. “She insisted.” Pam leaves them to discuss their business, which is really a discussion on why Sookie shouldn’t trust Bill. But Eric has other intentions and he begins kissing her, because he’d regret it if he never had the chance to before he meets the True Death. She doesn’t really resist – not at first.

“OK, I get it – I’m irresistable and intoxicating but that doesn’t really help your cause.” She wants to know why she shouldn’t trust Bill! Me, too, dammit.

Pam interrupts and brings Eric out into the bar area to argue. She’s upset he is making out with Sookie when he could be turning her in to Sophie-Ann and Russell in exchange for keeping his own life.

“Your lack of sentiment is ultimately your most admirable quality,” Eric says. “Do not disappoint me now.” She reminds him he would have done anything to save Godric, so why shouldn’t she do the same for him? Pam says she needs to use Sookie and quick.

Russell is on the prowl for a pale brunette and he finds him for $1000. “You got some place we can go?” he asks the male pro, who does, indeed.

After sex (because they won’t show the gay sex), Russell begins to talk crazy, like he’s speaking to Talbot. The pro is freaked out and says “It’s an extra $500 to bite me!” But Russell, crying bloody tears, continues: “I’ll never forgive myself that in the end, you were so alone, no one holding your hand. Your beautiful, beautiful hand.” Then he stakes the guy in the heart. “Talbot, you saved me from the world; from myself. I was a fool to trust him. I’m more sorry that I can ever say.” Russell kisses the guy’s hand, and suddenly the dead pro has turned into a dead Talbot. “I’m so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye,” Russell says, laying his head on Talbot’s chest. He’s officially cray cray in the bray bray.

Hoyt realizes, for the 100th time, he is not interested in Summer so he goes to declare his love to Jessica, who is working. He said he drove to the lake to ask God for a reason why he and Jessica couldn’t be together and it came to him – “There is no reason.”

She alludes to all the unimaginable s–t she’s done (and liked) and says he wouldn’t want her because of it, but he dismisses that argument and says “Tell me you don’t love me” and promises to leave her alone. But she can’t, and she doesn’t, so he leaves without her saying a word. Tommy races out after him into the parking lot, where Hoyt promptly punches him in the nose. Tommy turns into a pit and attacks Hoyt’s arm, ripping a gash in it. But Jessica is coming after Hoyt, and she throws the pit into the woods before forcing Hoyt to drink her blood. “I love you, too,” she says.

Tommy watches from behind a tree. He’s such a creep!

Bill is upset that Jason let Sookie out of his sight. “You gave me your word, Jason. You’ve let me down!” Jason takes back his invitation to let Bill in his house. He doesn’t need to be told that Sookie is out of control – he has probably been saving her ass all her life, too.

But there’s a crash in the bedroom so Jason goes to check it out. It’s a panther.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

Lafayette’s great-great grandmama and her girl are next. They’re conjurers and slaves, and Lafayette had no idea until now.

Lastly, it’s a skull-fest when Jesus’ grandfather is in a dark basement practicing the dark arts. Jesus says “he had big plans for me” and that he and his mother tried to escape him. Suddenly, Abuelo screams and Jesus and Lafayette wake up from their bad trip. “That was f—ng awesome,” Jesus said. He enjoyed it, but his boyfriend is a little spooked.

When Sam comes into work the next morning, everyone treats him with kid gloves – well, everyone but Tommy. Sam says they need to act normal; the guy he beat the s–t out of is “fine.” Lucky Sam. New waitress Holly gives Sam some herbal remedies for his high Testosterone levels. “I’m Wiccan,” she tells him, which he promptly responds with “I have two rules in my bar: no dancing, and no religion.” Then he shuts down Tommy when he says he was “proud of his brother last night” with “Well you’re an idiot.” Sam is not his usual chipper self, that’s for sure.

Arlene bursts into tears when she carries the trash outside and runs into Terry. She finally tells him the baby will be evil Renee’s baby and she wants to rid of it. But he won’t let that happen. “I’m gonna raise that child as my own, do you hear me, Arlene? I want to marry you and together we will surround that baby with more love that it can handle.” She bawls even harder, because she does not want that baby.

Jason is telling Sookie about shooting Franklin when he can’t hold back anymore – “I shot Eggs.” Sookie urges him to tell Tara because she will find out eventually and it’ll hurt her “10 times more.” Jason wants to protect people as it’s the only thing he thinks he does right. Sookie says lying and protecting people are different.

Later, Sookie has a dream where Eric kisses her and tells her, yet again, she can’t trust Bill. She wakes up as he goes to bite her neck.

Jason brings Tara something to eat, and she wakes up. She thanks him for saving her life. “You’ve been saving me since I was a little girl.” I guess I was really sheltered growing up – I don’t think anyone’s brother ever had to save my life consistently. I suppose Bon Temps is a lot more dangerous than Michigan.

Jason tries to stop Tara from saying nice things about him because he feels so guilty about Eggs. But when Tara begins to kiss him, he can’t take it.

She thinks it’s her but then he explains: “I shot Eggs. Say something – Tara please. Hit me, call the cops, tell me you hate me – anything.” But she can’t. She runs out of the house. Well, what did he expect? Then he noticed Sookie left a note saying she was going out. He failed at protecting her, too.

Jessica wakes up to a firey cross burning in Bill’s yard and someone yelling “Vampires go back to hell!” She wants to track them down but Bill comes to tell her it’s even more important now that they resist the urge, even if it’s “against their nature.” Easy for him to say – he’s got the delicious fairy blood at his disposal.

Sam is drinking in the woods, so he begins thinking back to a time when he tracked down the couple that duped him before. He turns from a beagle into a naked Sam, stealing the guy’s gun and demanding the money they got for the jewelry. He demands the rest, which is apparently in the truck, and he also wants the pants off the guy. “She told me you liked to bark in your sleep,” the guy tells Sam, which just makes Sam more upset. He beats the guy with the gun, punching him over and over until the girl comes out of the truck with a gun and shoots at them. He instinctively shoots back at her and ends up killing her, which he is not happy about. He loved her, even if she was a lying c–t.

Pam let’s Sookie into Eric’s office. “She insisted.” Pam leaves them to discuss their business, which is really a discussion on why Sookie shouldn’t trust Bill. But Eric has other intentions and he begins kissing her, because he’d regret it if he never had the chance to before he meets the True Death. She doesn’t really resist – not at first.

“OK, I get it – I’m irresistable and intoxicating but that doesn’t really help your cause.” She wants to know why she shouldn’t trust Bill! Me, too, dammit.

Pam interrupts and brings Eric out into the bar area to argue. She’s upset he is making out with Sookie when he could be turning her in to Sophie-Ann and Russell in exchange for keeping his own life.

“Your lack of sentiment is ultimately your most admirable quality,” Eric says. “Do not disappoint me now.” She reminds him he would have done anything to save Godric, so why shouldn’t she do the same for him? Pam says she needs to use Sookie and quick.

Russell is on the prowl for a pale brunette and he finds him for $1000. “You got some place we can go?” he asks the male pro, who does, indeed.

After sex (because they won’t show the gay sex), Russell begins to talk crazy, like he’s speaking to Talbot. The pro is freaked out and says “It’s an extra $500 to bite me!” But Russell, crying bloody tears, continues: “I’ll never forgive myself that in the end, you were so alone, no one holding your hand. Your beautiful, beautiful hand.” Then he stakes the guy in the heart. “Talbot, you saved me from the world; from myself. I was a fool to trust him. I’m more sorry that I can ever say.” Russell kisses the guy’s hand, and suddenly the dead pro has turned into a dead Talbot. “I’m so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye,” Russell says, laying his head on Talbot’s chest. He’s officially cray cray in the bray bray.

Hoyt realizes, for the 100th time, he is not interested in Summer so he goes to declare his love to Jessica, who is working. He said he drove to the lake to ask God for a reason why he and Jessica couldn’t be together and it came to him – “There is no reason.”

She alludes to all the unimaginable s–t she’s done (and liked) and says he wouldn’t want her because of it, but he dismisses that argument and says “Tell me you don’t love me” and promises to leave her alone. But she can’t, and she doesn’t, so he leaves without her saying a word. Tommy races out after him into the parking lot, where Hoyt promptly punches him in the nose. Tommy turns into a pit and attacks Hoyt’s arm, ripping a gash in it. But Jessica is coming after Hoyt, and she throws the pit into the woods before forcing Hoyt to drink her blood. “I love you, too,” she says.

Tommy watches from behind a tree. He’s such a creep!

Bill is upset that Jason let Sookie out of his sight. “You gave me your word, Jason. You’ve let me down!” Jason takes back his invitation to let Bill in his house. He doesn’t need to be told that Sookie is out of control – he has probably been saving her ass all her life, too.

But there’s a crash in the bedroom so Jason goes to check it out. It’s a panther.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

They start dancing to imaginary music and the altars on the wall begin getting down with them. They can’t stop laughing and they begin spinning around and around until they make some pit-stops. The first one is to Jesus’ grandma, who can undo spells and save people from evil. Then she is putting an egg on a woman’s stomach to cure her fertility issues. Somehow Jesus and Lafayette are so connected, they start speaking in each other’s voices, and making their comments come out of one another’s mouths.

Lafayette’s great-great grandmama and her girl are next. They’re conjurers and slaves, and Lafayette had no idea until now.

Lastly, it’s a skull-fest when Jesus’ grandfather is in a dark basement practicing the dark arts. Jesus says “he had big plans for me” and that he and his mother tried to escape him. Suddenly, Abuelo screams and Jesus and Lafayette wake up from their bad trip. “That was f—ng awesome,” Jesus said. He enjoyed it, but his boyfriend is a little spooked.

When Sam comes into work the next morning, everyone treats him with kid gloves – well, everyone but Tommy. Sam says they need to act normal; the guy he beat the s–t out of is “fine.” Lucky Sam. New waitress Holly gives Sam some herbal remedies for his high Testosterone levels. “I’m Wiccan,” she tells him, which he promptly responds with “I have two rules in my bar: no dancing, and no religion.” Then he shuts down Tommy when he says he was “proud of his brother last night” with “Well you’re an idiot.” Sam is not his usual chipper self, that’s for sure.

Arlene bursts into tears when she carries the trash outside and runs into Terry. She finally tells him the baby will be evil Renee’s baby and she wants to rid of it. But he won’t let that happen. “I’m gonna raise that child as my own, do you hear me, Arlene? I want to marry you and together we will surround that baby with more love that it can handle.” She bawls even harder, because she does not want that baby.

Jason is telling Sookie about shooting Franklin when he can’t hold back anymore – “I shot Eggs.” Sookie urges him to tell Tara because she will find out eventually and it’ll hurt her “10 times more.” Jason wants to protect people as it’s the only thing he thinks he does right. Sookie says lying and protecting people are different.

Later, Sookie has a dream where Eric kisses her and tells her, yet again, she can’t trust Bill. She wakes up as he goes to bite her neck.

Jason brings Tara something to eat, and she wakes up. She thanks him for saving her life. “You’ve been saving me since I was a little girl.” I guess I was really sheltered growing up – I don’t think anyone’s brother ever had to save my life consistently. I suppose Bon Temps is a lot more dangerous than Michigan.

Jason tries to stop Tara from saying nice things about him because he feels so guilty about Eggs. But when Tara begins to kiss him, he can’t take it.

She thinks it’s her but then he explains: “I shot Eggs. Say something – Tara please. Hit me, call the cops, tell me you hate me – anything.” But she can’t. She runs out of the house. Well, what did he expect? Then he noticed Sookie left a note saying she was going out. He failed at protecting her, too.

Jessica wakes up to a firey cross burning in Bill’s yard and someone yelling “Vampires go back to hell!” She wants to track them down but Bill comes to tell her it’s even more important now that they resist the urge, even if it’s “against their nature.” Easy for him to say – he’s got the delicious fairy blood at his disposal.

Sam is drinking in the woods, so he begins thinking back to a time when he tracked down the couple that duped him before. He turns from a beagle into a naked Sam, stealing the guy’s gun and demanding the money they got for the jewelry. He demands the rest, which is apparently in the truck, and he also wants the pants off the guy. “She told me you liked to bark in your sleep,” the guy tells Sam, which just makes Sam more upset. He beats the guy with the gun, punching him over and over until the girl comes out of the truck with a gun and shoots at them. He instinctively shoots back at her and ends up killing her, which he is not happy about. He loved her, even if she was a lying c–t.

Pam let’s Sookie into Eric’s office. “She insisted.” Pam leaves them to discuss their business, which is really a discussion on why Sookie shouldn’t trust Bill. But Eric has other intentions and he begins kissing her, because he’d regret it if he never had the chance to before he meets the True Death. She doesn’t really resist – not at first.

“OK, I get it – I’m irresistable and intoxicating but that doesn’t really help your cause.” She wants to know why she shouldn’t trust Bill! Me, too, dammit.

Pam interrupts and brings Eric out into the bar area to argue. She’s upset he is making out with Sookie when he could be turning her in to Sophie-Ann and Russell in exchange for keeping his own life.

“Your lack of sentiment is ultimately your most admirable quality,” Eric says. “Do not disappoint me now.” She reminds him he would have done anything to save Godric, so why shouldn’t she do the same for him? Pam says she needs to use Sookie and quick.

Russell is on the prowl for a pale brunette and he finds him for $1000. “You got some place we can go?” he asks the male pro, who does, indeed.

After sex (because they won’t show the gay sex), Russell begins to talk crazy, like he’s speaking to Talbot. The pro is freaked out and says “It’s an extra $500 to bite me!” But Russell, crying bloody tears, continues: “I’ll never forgive myself that in the end, you were so alone, no one holding your hand. Your beautiful, beautiful hand.” Then he stakes the guy in the heart. “Talbot, you saved me from the world; from myself. I was a fool to trust him. I’m more sorry that I can ever say.” Russell kisses the guy’s hand, and suddenly the dead pro has turned into a dead Talbot. “I’m so glad we had a chance to say our goodbye,” Russell says, laying his head on Talbot’s chest. He’s officially cray cray in the bray bray.

Hoyt realizes, for the 100th time, he is not interested in Summer so he goes to declare his love to Jessica, who is working. He said he drove to the lake to ask God for a reason why he and Jessica couldn’t be together and it came to him – “There is no reason.”

She alludes to all the unimaginable s–t she’s done (and liked) and says he wouldn’t want her because of it, but he dismisses that argument and says “Tell me you don’t love me” and promises to leave her alone. But she can’t, and she doesn’t, so he leaves without her saying a word. Tommy races out after him into the parking lot, where Hoyt promptly punches him in the nose. Tommy turns into a pit and attacks Hoyt’s arm, ripping a gash in it. But Jessica is coming after Hoyt, and she throws the pit into the woods before forcing Hoyt to drink her blood. “I love you, too,” she says.

Tommy watches from behind a tree. He’s such a creep!

Bill is upset that Jason let Sookie out of his sight. “You gave me your word, Jason. You’ve let me down!” Jason takes back his invitation to let Bill in his house. He doesn’t need to be told that Sookie is out of control – he has probably been saving her ass all her life, too.

But there’s a crash in the bedroom so Jason goes to check it out. It’s a panther.

No wait – it’s Crystal, who is a lot whiter.

Sookie is pacing in Eric’s office, waiting for his return. But when he does, it’s to take her over his shoulder and chain her up by her neck in the basement. Oh s–t.

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